======================================== SAMPLE 1 ======================================== Oh, I'm sorry. Are you... is that you holding a baby? Elizabeth: No, this is my baby. Deleted Scene 8 Dwight: Attention, shareholders, crew. Captain Jack: Yes, we are aware of a problem with the hot dog paraboch. But we have instructed the training program that you will receive to be very, very sensitive about this. Dwight: Attention, shareholders, co-workers. Captain Jack: That's my son. Dwight: He's three inches tall and he's never eaten a hamburger. How can I be so irresponsible with my son? Captain Jack: Well, if he keeps eating the hamburger, I will fire you. Captain Jack: Well, how? Well, if your son keeps getting the hamburger, I'll be just fine too. Dwight: How? Captain Jack: Your son is at an early age, has very bad food, and shouldn't be eating that. If your son were to suddenly explode, I would shoot him right through the brain. Deleted Scene 9 Pam: [eating a can] It's very bad. Jim: You can't be too careful when you're with your underwaterlogger. Pam: [enters the office] Oh, hey Pam. Jim: Wow. Yes, I was just here. Pam: Oh, I'm so glad you could make it. I thought I was gonna drop by so we could drop by Harvey Miller Highways for a while. Then maybe catch a bus back to Nashua. I can always fly. Jim: Oh, sounds great. Pam: Hey, Ryan, sh--Hey! Jim: Oh, oh, I brought your baby! Pam: Oh, stop yourself! Jim: Thank you. Pam: We're gonna... get a kayak. Jim: Oh, that sounds good. Pam: I'd love an apartment. Jim: Oh, yeah...affordable. Pam: Oh, my God. I think you mean rent. Jim: How much are you charging him? He's gonna pay more than you. Pam: Oh--Well, that--I'm charging you money. Jim: Really? Really-- Pam: Yeah. Jim: Okay--Oh, good. Pam: So you're--you're paying a fee huh? Jim: Oh--No you're--you're not--no, I--I think you're really getting along well with everybody. Pam: I think so. Jim: You know--I think so. Pam: Yeah--no--nothing really-- Jim: What? Pam: I got problems. Jim: I think you're-- Pam: You know I'm good with my cat. Jim: Oh cool, I'm gonna go and get my cat a grilled cheese sandwich. Pam: You're--you're great. Jim: Thanks, I'm really sorry. Pam: Oh God. [to camera] Just-- Jim: I gotta find out something. Pam: Maybe not this one or something similar. What do you... [to camera] Does your cat love hiking? Jim: Yeah, yeah. She does like hunting, but that's--nothing beats hunting. Pam: You're kidding. Jim: I'm kidding. She's a squirrel. Deleted Scene 10 Michael: Well, kids today have less reason to live and to live, you know. They're gonna die. I've got nothing planned here other than to annoy all of you. And if you want, I can do... you could just take my job. OK? So, quit in an hour. [to camera]Dunder-Mifflin is prepared to let you go. They're going to fire all of you. You look terrible. Ryan: I hope they don't care, Michael. You look like sluts. Michael: You look like sluts-- Andy: Michael, I don't cut my hair in Broccoli-pot. Deleted Scene 11 [REDACTED] Deleted Scene 12 Kevin: [to Oscar] You look so handsome. Dwight: I have good hair, too. That's how Pam looks in movies. Jim: Oh. [laughs] How does your character last that long? Dwight: I'm just saying, ======================================== SAMPLE 2 ======================================== Darryl: Why don't we play that alphabet game that you are writing about me? Andy: Yeah? Darryl: Oh! Andy: Darryl we play that alphabet game? Darryl: Yeah that's great, I love it. Andy: All right, let's start. Darryl: You wrote an excellent article for me. It's got a lot of good points, and I may just want to quote it here, in case somebody else gets a little better at it. Pam: [Whispers]Dwight! I thought you were the Terminator! Jim: Yeah. Pam: I'm pretty sure you are. Jim: Thanks. Pam: I have good news; he's my boss. Michael: Guys, guys, guys. [Shakes head] Guys, guys! Please stop whispering and join me on that note. There you go. There's got more work to do. Andy: Dwight! Shut up. Dwight: You are Terminator. Michael: That's it! That's what I've been dreaming. Dwight: What? I am writing you a letter. Meredith: You read my body! Dwight: Shut it. Shut up! Dwight: I don't read my body, and without my body I wouldn't know whether a sperm has been formed. Thus far, no sperm has been formed. Think of it as a womb. [REDACTED] Pam: She told me last week that you prayed for this. Jim: Oh, yeah. Pam: She talked to you about being a mom? Jim: Oh, God. She's so sweet. Pam: You hugged her? Jim: I hugged her too. Pam: Not really, but you hugged your mom too. Jim: Right that's amazing. Pam: Yeah, hug, or sit in a wheelchair. Jim: Oh, that's awesome. Pam: You still wear your shoes? Jim: You felt it on your hands? Pam: You felt it on your hands, but it's better. Jim: You need to get out there and let the press, maybe, get to it. Robert: [on video] My turn. Give it to me! Dwight: [on video] My turn. Have it on for Darryl. Right here. Go ahead. Robert: [on video] My turn. Work it out. Work it out. Dwight: Good sir! Really, we're not that far. Robert: [on video] My back became stronger than before and I got very sickishly from the tourney! Dwight: [on video] It does give a feeling of power in a way, that I don't normally feel... [long pause] It is juicier than a burrito! Angela: [on video] Was this yours? Robert: Angela? Angela: [on video] I was here. Andy: Butt-fist, good sir. Jim: What's up? Andy: Yes! Great job. I shredded that turtle with my dandruff. Jim: Oh! Andy: In there, please. Here we go. Turn block! Jim, come on! Over here! Jim: Oh, Andy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Of course I'm sorry. I'm a little mad. Andy: Come here, bud. Come on, bud. [Jim and Andy high five] [REDACTED] Kelly: Rachel needs no introduction. And she's ======================================== SAMPLE 3 ======================================== How do I know when to stop using it? Andy: Safety first! Safety first! Dwight: Have you always known how to use it? Andy: Yeah, me too. Starting age, I had the habit of holding back watermelon rinds for young children. Soon I found one Osprey home, and secondary school - I liked it! Dwight: Oh my God, you're going to do that? Andy: Yeah. I'll tell you why. Because as a child, I drank the milk of another Osprey child and spent the rest of the day sitting on it. It was my milk. And it hurt! But I always knew something bad was about to happen... when I got into high-school. Dwight: Well, now you're in trouble. Andy: Holy yay, Detective Andy! Jim: Hey, Dwight! Can I drop it for a second? [noticing that Andy has worn the press of a button button button for the camera] Hey. Dwight: Who was that? Andy: Hello. Jim: Hey, Andy Bernard. How's Jim? Andy: Hi, Jim Halpert. [presses button on computer] Jim: Hey. Sorry. What name is Tiffyll? Andy: Little Miss Mama Doubt. Jim: Doubt, I'm sure, I'm not gay. Andy: No way! I'm gonna head back to Florida and get my bachelor party in L.A. Andy: And the best part is, I'm not even gay anymore! Jim: Andy claims credit for the sixth Sensei award for his outstanding performance review. Sensei: I feel protected by the President and Secretary and Lackawanna County over my queer past. Jim: Hmmm, I may have been denied that honor some years ago. Dwight: Well, gay again! Jim: Uh, I guess that's because I wasn't psyched to be being openly dressed in public. Dwight: Well, you didn't lose any weight, you look great. Jim: You look great, I mean. Dwight: You may now be wearing a fur coat and a fur hood. Jim: Oh, cool. Uh, maybe that's why I switched. Dwight: Oh no! Jim: Oh, no. No, you know what? Let's just get right to it, shall we? Let's get you to the vest, and then... Dwight: [puts tweezers in Jim's hair] Jim, I'm gonna tie the knot in one motion. Jim: No, allow it. Let's get right to it. Dwight: Okay... Jim: knot in one, now we are done! Pam: [in New York, talking to Jason] He's so mean! Jim: Well just be honest... Pam: He said his name was Cornell and he hated gays. Jim: He honestly only ever spoke for himself, so... Pam: I really wish I could speak publicly for myself. I would like it to be "So. long". Jim:ono,ono,ono,ono,ono,ono. Pam: [laughs] Jim: Ah![Dwight blows whistle on disapprovingly describing sexual acts] Dwight: Am I getting the job? I want what? Pam: Oh boy. Pam NashJasonJasonJason; Cornell, Cornell! Jim: [laughing] Oh, yeah. And Julia all over again. Jim: That Cornell guy is a good friend of mine. A three-star general, our number two in Indivisible, we exist to destroy this government, to destroy the status quo, to expose injustice in a society horribly broken. Jim: [mimes zipping mouth and fist while waving Yankee Bill] Pretty good, right? Philip: That'd be nice. Dwight: Yankee Bill, Yankee battered. Jim: Yeah, well look what we've got here. Philip: What's this? Dwight: Contractually, we are trying to destroy this party. Andy: So what happened? Jim: It wasn't even us. Dwight: To whom did Cornell owe this? Andy: Us. They owe it to us. Jim: OK, well, all settled. Dwight: OK, who owes it to us? Andy: Da. Dwight Schrute, Cornell... Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Cornell. Who is this Cornell guy? Huh? Andy: No. Dwight: Very nice! Lawyer: I can't afford an attorney. According to the Cornell man ======================================== SAMPLE 4 ======================================== Dwight: Oh, okay. Thank you for being so kind as to let me come by on a Saturday. I really appreciate that. Michael: Oh, really? Well I'd much rather you not come by than have me end up with some idiot in my life. Dwight: Ok. Thank you. Michael: Oh, really? Well we'll have to wait and see. Where's Michael? Dwight: He's never here. Michael: [telephone ringing] His fax was wrong. He told me to go to the vending machine with his supplier. Dwight: That's not so bad. Michael: I- Dwight: [sighs] I'll see you soon. [loud whisper] Bye. Michael: See you in a bit. Dwight: Ok. I'll drive. Michael: Thanks. Dwight: Hmmm, do you mind? Translation: If I have to work late, and my boss doesn't like me, then by all means I'm gonna stay late. Kevin: Are you sure you can come in for your scheduled meeting? Pam: Ohh. That's very rude. Kevin: I'm sure you can come in everywhere. Now more than ever. Oscar: Your bed is very loose, and my desk is full of Pendleton bags. Why? Pam: No, no. Kevin: Oh, these Pendleton bags are way more powerful than your imagination. Pam: Why? Kevin: Because people believe in numbers. Number starters are just plain stupid. Oscar: You're just as stubborn as you look. Pam: What's a Pendleton? Kevin: Literally stupid. Like say, make a comparison between the two busiest cities in the world. Oscar: You idiot. You're as smart as you look. Pam: I'm gonna go with his idea! Kevin: Why? Because he's not smart enough to be my assistant. Michael: Ok, Dwight, I have a call. A man is threatening to burn down a regional fair during the hearing. Should you shoot him to ashes? Dwight: You, yes, you should. You are an equal part of this as you are of all the other watchdogs. Michael: Ok, let me make this very clear-- I do not intend to burn down the fair. I did so as a last-ditch effort to prevent Dwight from being tried before the grand jury. And I intend to show up in court and face the guy who got tried earlier. Dwight: [shoots] Yes! Michael: Martin's Indian Park! Watch out, Dwight! You're going to disaster. One of the people are going to get you put in a choke hold. Dwight: I've never lost a racecar. [gets up and starts on a Pan American car] Oh! Pam: Yeah, I'm sorry-- Michael: Just keep going. One stop left. What do you got? [applause] Michael: What was that first suggestion? Gabe: I have another suggestion for you. It's called 'King Push.' Michael: [sees pizza crust split wide open and eaten directly into his hand] What's that? Deleted Scene 1 Andy: Let's see how we can all do this. Kevin: [puts a coke in his mouth] I'm gonna do this. Andy: Any other time... Stanley: [puts down a drink and cheers Kevin on] Yes! Kevin: Any other time, monsieur. Pam: [Michael and Kevin are neck and shoulder apart] Great. Jim: You're good, though. Pam: Oh, no. Guys, I'm great. Meredith, are you okay? Michael: This is my race. I made a great error in running away in the middle of a race, I was hoping to meet somebody. [Pam and Jim laugh] Ryan: You know what? Never underestimate the power of a good friend. Kevin: IQ test isn't the most learned animal in the animal kingdom. There are some really good animal accountants out there. You know, Jim or Kevin or Kelly, Phyllis or Andy. There's just way too many of them. Michael: Well, Stanley: Michael, it is necessary to proceed. Michael: Okay. [upset] Stanley! Stanley: I'm here because I think that the Japanese have a weird Filipino sort of blood type. Michael: Ex-felons are not welcome in my society! Oscar: Where did you get that list? Michael ======================================== SAMPLE 5 ======================================== Kevin: Why are you doing this to me? Oscar: [seeing Dwight with an amused smirk] Come on, just say something. Phyllis: You didn't just say that! Kevin: Phyllis. Oscar: Who is this guy again? Kevin: Do you read the Bible? Oscar: For those of you who don't know, Samuel 8:9 promises that those who obey him will be rewarded. Pam: I have a lot of bibles. Phyllis: What are you doing? Oscar: What are you doing? You promised that we would visit your grave at this point? Pam: Oh... Oscar: Yeah, and we're gonna bury him. Pam: Mm... Oscar: You've been buried, bury him. Pam: Ummm... Oscar: [same sentence] He hasn't been buried yet, Pam. Phyllis: I'll be there. Pam: Yeah, I've been buried. Kevin: Wait! No, no, no, no, no, no Kevin: Finish what I'm going to start. Oscar: Darryl, you don't have a plan already? Darryl: I'm gonna start by going back to sales, and a few simple suggestions. Pam: Okay, you can do that. Darryl: Listen, suggestions. I can provide a starting point or a disapproval, or both. Design your own tired old chairs. Pam: Okay. Darryl: Alright, let's get our own chairs and get our own chairs. Pam: Okay. [to Jim] Stupid suggestion. Jim: Hey, Darryl, the stupid suggestion line, what would you run? Darryl: Well, here's your suggestion box. Just jump. Like a rock, or would you roll dice? Jim: That's not plan B. Why would you roll dice? Darryl: The suggestion box is supposed to be the stupidest suggestion box you're ever seen. Jim: [Pam knocks on desk] Okay I'm not going to believe it. [to Phyllis] Yeah, I know what you're thinking. [Phyllis picks up ping pong ball and puts it on Jim's desk] What the hell is that? Phyllis: Oh, it's called ping pong. Pam: Does it have any health benefits? Jim: No, it isn't a health joke. And I'm not going to go out to dinner with Benjy this evening. Although he put me on hold for like six hours. Phyllis: He seemed very happy. Pam: [hugs Jim] Jim, come on! Jim: Well, Dwight, I'm not going. Josh originally wrote: Josh, It's good to see ya, man. You didn't have a great day. But you made a lot more sense than you thought. Dwight: Thank you. Josh: You did? Dwight: Oh yeah, what do you think we could do to make it all better? Josh: I have some ideas. Dwight: Great. Dwight: Uh, they're all good but I can't focus on one. So I created a new tab in myResultsResults.lua and used it as an entry point.lua This way I don't have to remember to add different columns to myResults.lua when changing results. Dwight: Hello neighbors! I'm Jim Halpert, password is Dale Halpert. Welcome! Josh: Hello, daylight saving time! Dwight: Good! [everyone rattling and cheering] Josh: What? Dwight: I am just killing time with silly trivia. Jim your birthday is today? Josh: Uh, 98.8, Phyllis's 101.0, Phyllis' 102.0... Thank you, Kev. Jim: Hello, can I help you out in here? Pam: Um, how are you guys doing? Jim: Sort of. I came up with the idea, I left the finish line where I get tov me, Phyllis. Pam: [French accent] Come on! Jim: Alright. Jim: Yeah, I kinda feel like I learned something from Ryan Stiles. Pam: After the French guy, you'd always be nice and... Jim: Uhhhh... Ryan: Oh! [rips open cardboard box] Wow! Pam: It's amazing ======================================== SAMPLE 6 ======================================== Oscar: What about orders to buy? Ryan: We usually don't buy anything until midnight. Kelly: We've been selling this car out in the parking lot all day. Oscar: Well... Kelly: We get it, we get it. Both of us. Creed: We're not here to sell you anything, Creed. We know how to sell. We just want to watch the midnight crowds of customers die. Oscar: They're buying crime-ravaged paper. Pam: [Elias walks in with twin daughters singing 'Happy Birthday to Oscar'] Happy birthday to Daddy! Jim: So do you want to see it or not? Dwight: I don't know. Feel free to share your view in the comments section. Jim: See ya. Dwight: I see... Jim: Thanks. Creed: Let's go Trey. Trey: Uh, 'Cause I saw you were here, right? Jim: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I forgot... Creed: Let's go, 'cause Trey's team is steering hard toward the Cornell basket. Scranton duo Trey and Andy are firing off their very own Nard-dog bottles. See ya, Trey. See ya. Jim: [Goes out into the parking lot, looking jittery] Paaam! Creed: Woooh! Come on! Jim: Well I'm gonna go and get the Nard-dog bottle and the birthday jug. Here's what I came in with: Chili's finest, thank you! Michael: Hey, hey, where's Phyllis? Jim: Oh, hi, Michael. Hello. Michael: She's, uh, in a nice, private place. So I thought you'd rather not be, in that sense. Jim: Well, I'm glad Michael's not in a relationship with booze. Michael: Well, maybe we should give him two calls after Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Month. Jim: Um, Oh, I hate Mondays. Michael: I hate Mondays. Jim: Why not? Michael: I think Mondays actually chill you out a little. They're not totally opposed, so... Jim: Do I feel like giving booze a try? Michael: No, you're right. I don't... I, I don't want to... Jim: I'm sorry. Do you have a... way of putting this? Michael: Ah, yes, I do. Jim: No, no, no, no. Don't booze-walk. In fact, let's go down to the last stop on our tour, all of Maine. All of Maine! All of Maine! All of Maine! Michael: Okay, oh, okay, yeah, we wanna pull over at 8:30. Let's do that. Alright, we're gonna do that. All right! And then at the same time, no limit signs, no cooldown signs, no cooldown signs. [sign pops up behind his chair, signaling an emergency stop] Yeah, that... yeah. Andy: [Dwight at Phyllis's desk is cataloguing tickets he didn't receive on the phone] Phyllis, this is me, I'm at a critical mass, and I have no plans to celebrate. How do you feel? Phyllis: I'm in love. Andy: All right, well here's the deal: fast track this with some hype. I think it's great, and I'm glad we're getting behind the scenes involved. Your mom and I recently struck up a secret, and now I need to keep having secret relations with my employees so they can forget us. Morning. Lady and gentleman.ieu. Lady: I need you to go over this side of business, and then, I'll show you around. Andy: All right. Lady: Thank you. Andy: Good. Andy: So this is Kelly's office. [turns to Ryan who is playing the guitar] I'd like to have a conversation with Mr. Galli. Ryan: I'm gonna sit down right now and say that corporate deserves to pick the poison that it is being poisoned by. Can I? Andy: Phyllis? Ryan: Yes. You understand? Andy: That I'm talking about you and Pam and Kelly? Like three of them. Ryan: Four of us. Andy: [singing] Kelly don't poison me, but make me poison you [Michael and Dwight begin to speak] poison me, but poison me Jim, poison me Michael, poison me Jim: What poison? Dwight: Halfpile. Jim: Are you prepared to give me that right back? [referring to be bound] ======================================== SAMPLE 7 ======================================== Pam: OK. Angela: Yes Pam: OK. Same time frame as books was supposed to be paper, OK? Roy: You read that wrong. You read it wrong. When I flipped the script you saw Pam and I were in agreement about the obvious parallels. But when I flipped the same paper Pam was reporting back the same way. Same paper. But I changed the paper to express the same paper buying you for the difference that was between the two. Am I right? I don't know. I just know that there is a clear parallel. Pam: Roy's not buying my sales Pam is I prove my point, I'm the more valuable the better. Pam: Thanks for nothing! Roy: Whoa, you. You're more valuable to me than Roy. Pam: No I didn't say I was the more valuable person that, uhh. Roy: You're more valuable to me than you. Pam: No I wasn't saying that. Roy: Yeah you're not. Pam: Well whatever. Michael: [picks up old dress from Toby's trunk] I owe you this one. Toby: Oh yes. Michael: Don't forget it was four. Oh, God. Dwight: Acceptable behavior is welcome and should not be tolerated. But we do not have to tolerate it. Angela: Well I'm not going to judge you, you can't be doing anything. You can't go dancing with the manager because you're gonna lose your job and your friend, and walk away. Dwight: Hey you know what'll impress me the most about you? Your last gig as a stripper. Michael: Isn't that Jim Halpert? You're gonna get all of my clients and then you're going to show me how you thrive on this lowland parcel? Dwight: Well, Jan wants you to look at Ryan. And look at Ryan. Big, strong woman. Big, tiny, beautiful woman. Michael: No, I don't think any of that are appropriate. Stanley: For two queens. Michael: Well, thank you, Stanley, for asking for my advice. And getting two queens is never a good idea. Stanley: Unfortunately, two queens is the height of disrespect and I think we should all take it down. All: Shut up, Jan! Give us something we can't handle, Michael. Michael: Alright, something I can swallow. All: Get it down! Michael: Ok, hold it down! Na-oh-oh! Pam: Hi Jan! [Jan slams door shut behind her] Jan: Hey Pam, could I talk to you for a minute? Pam: Yeah, sure, see if anything is off limits. Jan: [ documents fail] Well, your files are really great. They have all these great features. So, I think I'm just gonna let that sit, see what happens. Dwight: Acceptable behavior is welcome and should not be tolerated. Technically, accepted is between two adults. Technically, I'm on top of the hill. Michael: Ok, Dwight, I will grant you two entry privileges into the All Star festivities. Dwight, special assistant to the convention manager. Dwight: No deal. I wanna go on the lam. Michael: You know what you should do? Go meet with your guys. Get some sleep. Gold. Dwight: I can't give you the day off, but I'll meet with you tomorrow to do some fan outreach. Michael: You know what? You suck. Dwight: Paid I'm sorry, but no thanks. I was trying to do this to protect the baby. I've hit a slump. Michael: Wow, baby, I guess you get it. [ sighs and shakes his hands] Dwight: I have some great friends, Dwight. Great, soft-touch fingers. Great personal connection. Well, it's not ideal. But, he gets the job and he loves it and he works very hard, and I think he's a great human being. And, and here's the thing about Dwight, no matter what race he is, he will always win. You're not going to find president. Stanley: There's this guy. He's at a bar having a drink. He's next to the Dwight with the Olympics poster killed and his skin is pallid. I don't know who he is, but I bet he's black. Dwight: I have spent all of my time on this planet because people give me pleasure. Why should I keep hearing about the futility of man? Dwight: Wanted ======================================== SAMPLE 8 ======================================== 41. I'm ready, coach. Stanley: Go get the ball. Deangelo:Welcome back Deangelo. Nice to see you again, coach. Deangelo: [tackled by Kevin] Uh, guys, who exactly? Kevin: My court. Deangelo comes back last, takes the ball out of the court, starts next half an hour and he still can't get anyone anything done. So Cece gone and Jim gone. Darryl's taken the ball out of the court because they're watching him striketh over the acorn in their little girls soccer league? I feel like I need a bathroom break every two minutes. I would like to beat these gentlemen. Deangelo: Grasshopper-- Andy/Deangelo: Grasshopper. [crosses him off his list] I would also place Broccoli Rob too. [Happily] Deangelo: Broccoli Rob? [meanwhile looking at the list, murmurs] Andy: What? Deangelo: La, la, la, la. Andy: I tell you what, everybody! Carry on old Mike, we the people deserve to have friends and of course you. Deangelo: I'm gonna mark Erin's gift as either a hug or a butt load's worth of hugs. If she chooses, let her play. Mi matas?! [Andy's scream rattle the office] Nellie: [to Michael as he walks into the conference room on his cell phone] Hi Phyllis, this is Kenneth. Conference room 99A, 2281 N.E.E. Oscar: Hey, hey, hey who are we actually here for? Why don't you tell him your mountains are okay? [Erin leaves and Michael laughs] Hey, good-lookin' state. Not having to work everyday. I do my day, I do it; I'm your standard workplace egomaniac. Phyllis: Okay, you wanna send me a couple emails about the newest training program out, go ahead. Oscar: Of course. Andy: 19, 200 pounds, right? Erin: Oh! Body that was simply for ghoulia. Let's have an email... Oscar: The email should be read, "Shocking footage from Michael Scott's time in prison. As part of my outreach to the media, I created a fake website to infiltrate the prison toting boxes and steal from them." Creed: Ok, hey, don't worry about fake website. Michael's behind bars. Jim: Ah, okay. Just... you know what though, hey, I was hoping to talk to Michael's friend... Oscar: Maybe I will. [reaches for towel] Michael: Probably his biggest client. Jim: Yeah. He's got a lot of big clients. Oscar: It's "Big client." Is he calling you Big client or?" [Michael hangs up] Phyllis: [to Kevin] You're going to call him that? Andy: Yoko na Kevin! [reaches for something] Andy: I just want you and Erin to hang out and be friends. The three of us. Deangelo: Welcome. You resemble carrage. Jim: We're in a cab. Deangelo: Close the door. Hang on one second. Shut up. Oscar: Dwight, your friendship with Erin is over. Dwight: Dwight just made a terrible mistake walking out that door today. Turn it around. Deangelo: Dwight! Dwight! What are you-rings? Andy: Hey, Deangelo, do I really need to go over some questions? Dwight: Erin. [Deangelo approaches] Wanna talk to you for a second? I'll see you next week. Ryan: I'm sorry, but they are consolidating so quickly in that branch. She'll be fine. You loved Erin, didn't you? Buyer: Yeah, I do. Ryan: In sales, how do you describe that? Andy: Acorn seed in my USF wallet. So far there, smells like a Christmas tree. Deangelo: If this merger isn't going smoothly for her, maybe a southern culture would come down here, a couple years down there. Jim: I think that's post-industrial. Deangelo: Do you believe that? Jim: No! Deangelo: Yes. There's a sense of romance going on. Jim: That's not entirely true. Deangelo: No, that's probably true. There's a sense of Ye Olde German carnival going on. Jim: I don't need to know that to have a sense of what's happening. And I have Carpenter ======================================== SAMPLE 9 ======================================== Gabe: Well actually I don't think that your lack of concern for the man is an anomaly. Michael: Uh, Erin, look, no it was not an anomaly. So... fine. I got some stuff I need to grab my things. This was your little ear to me, okay? That's... that's okay. Gabe: A little red apple, with a couple of sayings like "darling," "darling," "darling," "darling," "darling," "darling," "darling," "darling"... Michael: Yep. That's good. [Jim walks away, obviously disgusted] Jim: You did... have some dinner tonight. It's very important to have dinner together, so... Pam: Hey! This is my FREAKING phone! Kevin: FREAKING! I'm FREAKING hot! Don't have to hold back! Pam: Your voice is incredibly... breathless. Kevin: Breathe freeze... Pam: I'm breathing really heavily and I'm veryke. Kelly: [in bathroom] I'm so glad that you came. Pam: I'm really glad that you did. Kelly: I'm so glad that you came. Andy: [in women's bathroom] Okay, everybody listen up! Because twenty five is today and everyone is going to learn more about romance and their imitating other people. For the first time ever, two professional dance moves will be available to rent in the section that doesn't have a dance studio. And, uh, bang, I think I'm going to be borrowing one of your moves, cramp, and bust... bang, I think I'm going to be stealing your move. Michael: [in women's bathroom] Okay, I get it. It's sexy, and it's sexy! And this is exactly what we need, we need a new space for you. Dwight: Ok, this is what we need: a space we can use. Michael: Let me get that for you. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: A space where you can hyper-focus on the important work. You're in the wrong building. Right this is what we're going to do, a hyper-focus group. The first time I was on the hyper-focus committee it didn't work and I moved on. Dwight: I'm your teacher. She's the teacher! Michael: And the first time I engaged in a hyper-focus group I just embraced the distraction issue and I've since made several personal and financial investments. Andy: Yes, but first let's do... first... how'd you get started? Michael: No! Andy: This is how I got started. Right? Michael: Oh, ok. Andy: Hey, what is going on? Michael: It's, uh, it's a little much. I've gotta go. I'll probably miss Cece, Jim, Ryan and myself a little. But, all right, what'd you bring to the table? Andy: A sleeping elephant. I wish, I spent three hours trying to sleep him, but it's barely more than I took to cover for him. Michael: Okay, let me get this for you. You're completely over Jim Halpert. Kelly: Thank you, thank you again, Meredith... Jim: Oh, I know. That's really... free. Kelly: It's just that you spend so much of your time focusing, and then you go to dinner with the receptionists and everybody forgets that Ryan and Cece used to go together? And then your last cigarette gets stuck in the vending machine? Jim: Hmm, I don't know. Kelly: I almost invented horror. Charles: Okay, looks like we missed your chance to testify. Dwight: I don't knowexchanged selves. Stanley: We never would've thought of this first. "He had zero conscience." Dwight: Wasn't that right, Stanley? Angela: What are you writing? Dwight: I'm inventing a monster called "cure." Phyllis: How is this one of the few who isn't catered down enough? Kevin: Ok. Let's see. I'm going to have to give her a shot, but she's a baby. Dwight: Yeah, I know what you mean. Look at her! She's five months old! Kevin: Yeah, ok. Now look... [shakes head] Andy: Ok, I have to start you on a course where the first sentence should really have said "New England." Dwight: Ok. "And we have a humidifier." Andy: Which is kinda funny actually because it sounds like it Andy: [singing] Rosa, raminando sirso sue! Scranton strangler, sue the heir to the throne! Scranton strangler, shut the door! Just shut it! The strangler opened it Just felt like opening a book. I should have sworn, he was just Sherlock Holmes staring me in the face. Darryl: Look how relaxed I am! Jim: You haven't even noticed I'm wearing a tux. Andy: Oh, and by the way, check it out. Truly an odd day. Dwight: Andy Bernard does not eat dogs. He invests in dog feed but he doesn't invest in houses. Dwight: Look at that! He can buy anything out there. [holds up video camera] That's a vending machine. [laughs] Dwight: [Dwight imitates the sound of a car wreck sounds] Nobody blame him! [Dwight loses his cool] Dwight: [enters at Michael and Darryl holding phones, Darryl holds up an app] Stop watching this; open them now; Open them now. [Dwight closes his eyes while holding the phone, Michael and Darryl exit holding the phones, Michael and Darryl exit holding the camera] Jim: Hello? [Jim and Darryl standing near elevator in parking lot; Michael, ======================================== SAMPLE 14 ======================================== Dwight: Don't lie. Lie it's on. Lie it's on. Lie it's off. Lie it's off. Pam: Oh my God. It's raining egg salad on me. Jim: Get the egg salad replaced. Pam: The salad itself is fine. It's just, it's not good. Jim: Wait, what are you trying to say? Pam: I didn't eat it. Andy: Phyllis, you're a beautiful, blonde, who cares? [Phyllis knocks on Andy's door] Hello? Good, this is uh, Andy. Phyllis: Hey. Andy: Hey, how ya doing? Phyllis: What's going on? Andy: I'm really mad at Andy Bernard for dumping Meredith. I don't know what he's doing, but he's totally missing her. But, I still don't have time for another three hours of this disgusting cinema. Andy: [sighing] Goodbye. Phyllis: Oh, Andy. I'll pass that on to you. [Phyllis leaves] Phyllis: That is the woman who sat next to me for 50 years. Michael: The most precious thing a mother has to give herself is the gift of a lifetime. And I think that I have a lot to give her. I don't know what I'm gonna give her, but I can give her... and I'm gonna keep her for a very long, very long time. How? I don't know. I don't know. Andy: Phyllis, I'm really sorry. Phyllis: What? Andy: What? You asked me that. Totally misunderstood, and I'm sorry. Phyllis: Well, I think you're right. Andy: I am glad. I am glad. I want to share our beautiful city with this woman. But I'm afraid she is not going to be able to understand our style... or save her lipstick. Phyllis: Aww, John Irving. Jim: Uh, Charles Van Buren. Phyllis: ...Cleansing sake. Dwight: [whispering] There you go. Phyllis: Where do you wanna go? Dwight: You know where you're going? Phyllis: I'll walk you down this aisle. Dwight: Wait, wait, Phyllis, I'm just agreeing with you, you know, on the matter that we are not allowed to have dancing girls in here. Bob Vance: That's right. Dwight: Huh? You're right. Col, col, col, col, col... Phyllis: Stop... stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Bob Vance: I don't care if you're a loser, or... just your generation... you know, the one you got. Oscar: Dwight, you should be deputy regional manager right about now. Dwight: And you should be the regional manager of Nate Conley's paper company. Jim: I'd rather lead an army than follow a king. Oscar: Hey, enough with the belt! I want your job. All right, I'll drive. Dwight: Thanks, driving to work... sucks. Unless you count your sperm. Jim: Which it obviously does. Dwight: It's not a legal obligation. Umm... c'mon. Corp is going to drive up your rent, all right? Jim: Oh, yeah. If we pay it off next month, we can always deduct it from next year's. Dwight: Yeah. Jim: Four hundred dollars next year. Erin: [Pam is making hand noises and exhaled] She's totally right. This is... Pam: Um, yeah. Yeah. Erin: Um, is this the Cornell of Stony Brook? Pam: No, it's the other place we'll be going. Erin: I've lived in NY all my life. I've never taken any concrete steps. I've only eaten eight days. This is gonna be hot. Pam: It's not concrete, it's just... Erin: Well, I'm gonna let that settle that down. Pam: It's not... there's some other place I can take a couple days. Erin: It's not that kind of deal, Pam. Cornell is better than Cornell. Pam: It is? Great, it really is. But, I've already slept in like fifteen different women's rooms in Scranton and I feel like I'm getting all of Estherua's romantic nourishment. Erin: ======================================== SAMPLE 15 ======================================== Kelly: Got the European blood. Thank you very much. Darryl: Yeah. Angela: Very good. Yeah great. Got it on soon. Bye. [Kevin runs to Gray's Anatomy] Oscar: Thank you! You did this, yes! [beep] Okay, bye. Bye. [Kevin runs to Kevin's room] Kevin: Oh, good, now I got something. Some, um, brown paper, and some condoms. What are you gonna throw at me? Oscar: Albeit unsuccessfully, in the best way possible, using condoms. Kevin: Why would we throw away aye? Oscar: [Goes to shake Kevin's hand] Voodoo Juju... Voodoo Jujuju? [Kevin shakes his head] Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Um, yeah. We're gonna need you to do this, and I need you to do it quickly. I need to tiny. I need to dilute well, and slowly... Kevin: Oh... Oscar: ...then turn it into a... Kevin: Oh, Kevin... Oscar: ...then purge everything but the centers... Kevin: Oh... Angela: [On floor] Okay, then I will purge everything but the centers. Oscar: Angela, you don't seem to be doing anything. [Puts ring finger] Oh, God! Kevin: Oh... [Puts ring finger] You like it when you come? Oscar: I'll be up. Angela: Okay. Kevin: Ow! Kelly: And I get to meet those that I like. My favorite is... the exotic. I love the women, the rustic. Michael: Quiet! Quiet, please. Stop what you're doing. I am trying to amuse you. Airing you, are you kidding me? Bang! Airing you, are you kidding me? No! Stop that, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop! Stop it, stop! Stop it, stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop. Wow, stop that. Stop weight! Stop water temperature, stop that. Stop weight, stop that... stop that. Stop... Deleted Scene 1 Jan: I'm a little wary with starting a business, but I really think Jan and I are on the same page about having a business. I have a lot of fun with company. And I have a lot of fun with people. And I don't want to get me sunk by future business to know that someday, someday, somehow, we're gonna buy a real La Lander. Michael: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, the Internet is back! Jan: [on the Internet] Hey, hey, hey... Michael: How's it working out? Jan: [on the Internet] Pretty good. Michael: We're basically on a leg-n- leg-n-ing. Jan: [on the Internet] You've reached the Michael Scott. [The 'Michael Scott' is correct, but I didn't know that until later] A catalog of all business and personal uses of the public Internet is scheduled to be displayed at the Washington, D.C. Metropolitan Police Department today. From our point of view, it is highly recommended that you make a reservation. Jan: [On the Internet] www.wal-mart.com. Do you know where we are, or? Michael: Umm... no. Jan: I... Michael: You're sure it's great. Jan: It is, how should I describe it? It is a front for big box, big box. Big box, go ahead. It's going to be dark, and it is NOT going to come blurring or shifting, it will just look like a warehouse thing. Can I get a drink? Michael: Um, yeah, I could get... Jan: Get something? Michael: Drink. Get you something? Jan: Thank you. Michael: What? Jan: I'm sorry, I didn't... Michael: Michael, you're too rational in your wild drecks to understand that this is a business, this is a business of milk and wool. Jan: Well, Michael, you're very very rational now, and in a place like a supermarket, you are very, very lean. Michael: [sighs] Deleted Scene 2 Jim: Okay. Conference room, four o'clock. Karen: Hold on, Jim. One more word. Jim: [whispering] That's enough. Karen: Two more. Deleted Scene 3 Angela: I'm going to ======================================== SAMPLE 16 ======================================== Dwight: reply declared. [turns team in circles] Michael: Not good. Both: Have you ever had the pleasure of looking at Michael... Dwight: Go ahead Michael. Both: Have you ever looked at me? Michael: I am a photographer job by any other name. Dwight: Well you're not Michael Scott, I'm your boss. Okay, I'm gonna tell you what you're missing out on, when you look directly at me. I'm a madman. Deleted Scene 10 Jan: And Ryan is doing great right now, so maybe we can get him a room at five. And, you know what, Angela? If you could just get her a little something for the afternoon, she'll be all right. Angela: I do have a lovely suite of clients. My Grandma Astird and I are property. My Grandma's a secretary. Angela: Oh, well I could take care of that part of my knees. Dwight: Hey, I can't exactly take care of my job if you take care of the other part of my knees, so... Okay, 5 dollars and fifty-scoffers. $50 each. That's how much I paid for Meredith. Angela: Well, I'll give you $50. That's how much I pay for Meredith. Dwight: Okay. Oscar: Listen, Jan, I really think the Dwight proposal is a little high pitched. Jan: Well, Oscar, whatever. It's not a big deal. I think most guys are good at communication. Oscar: I think communication sucks. Jan: Wait, what? Oscar: communication sucks man. Jan: I was just thinking someone high pitched in the middle of us. Oscar: Well, someone high pitched anywhere near us. This makes it kind of silly, you know? But, you know, it's pretty important. Angela: I think it's pretty high pitched. Jan: Ok, this is what I think. [high-pitched] Hi to you. Hi to all you guys! Hi to you. Ok! Ok! [normal, choirs claps] Hi to all you guys! To all the guys! Ok! Don't cry about not getting a raise! Here's what I remember. Remember - [long, shrill, possibly cut off by audience laughter] - the old days. The days when everyone knew what they wanted and didn't want, but that made sense because they heard it made sense. This is the most high pitched I've ever heard. [crowd of murmurs and clapping] Angela: Oscar, wavered. What are you doing? Oscar, don't wilt by your old tricks. Come on. Oscar, you are a good man and a man of letters. Come on everybody. Come on make a pitch. [crowd of murmurs and clapping] Oscar: I'll die. Dwight: You know when you're with a client and they don't know you? Now that would just be "not fair". Well, that's not coming through right now. I just need to keep them honest. I need to sell. All right? Looks like they want a raise. What if they want one too? Ex-client: They want one. We don't want one. Dwight: Fine. we'll just split it and give you the other part of the weekend off. Ex-client: That sounds fair. Let's make it fair. Fair, fair, fair. Dwight: Fir razes! Stop it! Ex-client: Yeah, hey, we're never gonna back down. We just wants a raise. So, we made it pretty hard on ourselves. Ex-client: We all wanted a raise. So what were you going to do? Dwight: I got a raise. I got a chance to run this office or hide out in the parking lot under the misconception that all hold five or a guy's back or something. Ex-client: This isn't fair. [they shrug] We're gonna split up like this. Ex-client: I never said you could do it. You did. Dwight: You have some friends? Ex-client: I do. Dwight: You like rock bottom jeans? Ex-client: Yeah, cutting it short would be awesome. Ex-client: Rock bottom jeans? Dwight: Yeah, maybe we could rent them in the mall. Ex-client: Maybe we can rent them in Los Angeles. I'll look at that, and I'll say, " ======================================== SAMPLE 17 ======================================== Michael: [after his introduction] Welcome back. Anyone want to talk about beer and the occult? I'm very busy. Mr. Brown: Okay. Michael: Wonder what saturn woman was? [knocks on door] Ah, welcome back... [a few seconds later, busts in Michael's jeans with white tape and reveals beard] Michael: It's dark here. It's freezing. Could go a little cold. [drinks from streamers at Michael's desk] Michael: We are not in the real Schnootenburg world anymore. There is a small, but very important, difference between me and Donald Trump. Charles: Hold Pam please. Holly: Hey. Charles: Hey. Holly: So, the man that picked you? Charles: I didn't say you should pick him. Holly: He needs to apologize to you because you abandoned him. [disapproaches Florida but Pam holds him down] Please, hold on. Toby: [fumbling for breath] You should pick somebody else. Holly: Nah, I'll go with Ryan. Get him Ryan. Dwight: Come on. [they pull into sales] Toby: Hey guys. Dwight: Yeah. Toby: You should drop him. Dwight: You got to. Here we go. Toby: Just drop him. Pam: Toby! Dwight: No, no, no, no. [climbs closer and they high command] Pam: Hey! David Wallace: [approaches office] Hey. Holly: Hey. David Wallace: So Andy went postal today. Holly: Oh, great. David Wallace: He sent me a pair of pair of Marine outfit shoes. Holly: Oh, those're Roy's. He'll take them when he gets bored. David Wallace: Huh. [laughs] He probably will. Holly: And whether you're a good time is a secondary question you have to answer. [both look at him] Yes. David Wallcrun: [busy waiting in line] Ah. [to waitress] Did you see Meredith? Lynn: No, he's clearly very busy. Andy: He can't make it three five, it's his wife's birthday, and he's like a crazy person. Lynn: Well he's not a crazy person. Andy: No, he is just... Lynn: He's single. [Andy gets up and walks away] Kevin: ...and exactly the same amount of fat and ugly take. Deleted Scenes Deleted Scene 1 Andy: You find it? Dwight: Ha ha! I'm back! Andy: Back in, back in! Dwight: You're back, man. Andy: Hahaha! I'm back! Dwight: You're back, honey. You're back in. So, what'd you change? Andy: Um, fire door. Body double. Snacks all the time. Literally. Dwight: I can't believe you're back. Andy: Yeah, I knew it. I knew it. I loved you. Deleted Scene 2 Michael: Everybody, I want you to treat yourself to a slice of pie. Pam: Oh, ooh, pie. Andy: Okay, Angela. Angela: [bites off her top to reveal her breasts] Mmm. Oscar: Hey, that's plenty. Michael: Angela, ahemptio"Okay!" Pam: See, that's pretty sweet, right? [Pam notices some adult diapers on the floor] Hmm. Kevin: Put those away. Pam: You've been home all day. Kevin: Huh. Pam: This is amazing! Kevin: Thank you! Pam: You're welcome. Pam: We're a couple weeks ahead of the game, but there are still a few things to chew and figure out. Phyllis: I'm gonna take off my jacket and my heels. I don't have anybody else to take my shoes off. Pam: OK, great. Kevin: I guess I will. I hope you like peach pies. Phyllis: I like my feet fun. Let's go! [displays a feisty face] Pam: I don't like my feet. Meredith: I like my feet. Pam: Ooh! Meredith: I like my feet very much. Pam: Yeah, OK. Pam: ======================================== SAMPLE 18 ======================================== Michael: What did I tell you about rolling? Dwight: Yes, rolling is very much about taking a long hard look at the sunburned and just concentrating on the cc. Michael: Who took the user? Dwight: Dave Matthews Band. Michael: Of course you were referring to yourself. Dwight: Of course Matthews did not invite me to their wedding. Michael: I so swear I never see him like this. [Dwight laughs and high fives Michael] Michael: My post, "Who took the user? It's a great question.s]: Why has Mr. Matthews waited to speak to me at length in such a cold straitjacket? He is here, the fire, and the water. That is what you are about to find out. I am a suspect. I am a suspect. But, why? Michael: David Wallace does not trust me. And Harry Knowles wants to be sure that I can't lead them into infinity by promising us a vacation to see our friends Charles and Mary! Charles: Michael, I would prefer that you wait a little longer. [Michael reluctantly complies] Michael: Hello, friends. If you're watching this, I'm going to have you arrested. Charles: Yes, tell them I'm not here. Jim: [Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder] Oh. Pam: It's true. Jim: I am not going to tell her until after I've had intercourse to obtain a vasectomy. Charles: Because you and Jim are technically the same person. Pam: Jim, I think that thing is over. Jim: I think you guys are having a affair. Pam: Are you? Jim: This isn't over, okay? We just need a truce. Charles: Listen, Jim, you can't just call sex. You've gotta find someone to take it with. Jim: I-I thought vasectomies are pretty easy. Pam: Okay. I've gotutes to get my life back to. Charles: Actually, there could be forty-five other options out there. You know what? There's just no one right now. Jim: You don't know. You kind of--- Pam: I should have known. I mean, I'm sure you're all cracking up. Jim: Our old man Mike Santangelo just moved back to Scranton! Pam: Oh, hell. Jim: Hey Bernard, you got a second? Charles: Uh, I think that Bernard is a couple flights of walk away. Jim: Better safe than sorry. Charles: Any aspirin you have? Jim: What? Charles: I'm almost out of it, I just won't stop s--- Andy: Oh man, he just won't leave. Dwight: You can't let a cat out of a bag... Phyllis: What's your name, Dwight? Dwight: Schrute. Phyllis: I'm Andy. Andy: Hi, it's daddy. Hey, my name is daddy, and I would like to see my little buddy Andy Schrute... Dwight: Hello. Phyllis: ...where do you see your brother? Dwight: Andy. Good boy. Hey, what are you guys doing? Phyllis: Well, my brother and I have been working very hard on our paper needs for several years now. Now my brother and I are spending a lot of time, effort, and money on our awesome printer. I'll give you guys a fair raise. Well, I wouldn't know if I thought that stuff was sold on Craigslist. Dwight: Great, I know. Now get this. [hands raiseable toy to Andy] Andy: It's a toy you bought for me, Dwight. Dwight: That's-- I like the look of that. Let me guess-- it's a plastic toy called Schrute Clumpsters. They hang out at our place all over the industrial park. Andy: I'd rather work for an adult daycare center or a kid's daycare. Dwight: Let's go kid, cause we're gonna make a little buck off of these toys. Andy: What? Dwight: We're gonna give these to you for... use as diapers or as a pillow. Andy: Wow, that's generous. Dwight: Yeah-- Andy: Are you serious? Dwight: Yeah-- Andy: We think you're-- are serious. Dwight: [picks up the ruse] I know you are. Andy: Do you want-- Dw ======================================== SAMPLE 19 ======================================== I don't know what to tell you. Right now, during a work day, I feel like it's my station. All my business is done here and my desk is a workspace. We're like the Kardashians... you know? I'm Andy and guest artists. And we're happy. If I were a couple, I'd freak out and yell out, "Hey! Look at how hot Meredith is!" But you know what? I would understand. Because I would be thrilled for them both. Oscar: When people say they work hard and live differently, they often mean they are different sizes or that they make less money. So where did that come from? Kelly: I appreciate your letting me work with you. You've been a lifesaver. Dwight: Oh, I'm sorry I lent you my wallet, I didn't know you could use it. Kelly: Oh... I should have told you, that... Dwight: Oh, I don't... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Kelly doesn't make any sense. Kelly: Anyways, I really don't want to take credit for your savings. Dwight: Oh, I'm sorry, but you don't have to pay for my stupid things. I mean, I can take credit for whatever you do. I live by my example. All right? [puts money down] Yeah yeah yeah. Kelly: Mmm hmm. Dwight: What's the significance of the aspirin bottle? Jim: Well, that's a great question. The significance of the bottle is that Dwight put the best bullets into the best people. That's what I bought at Halsted's Tavern. And now I have Dwight's aspirin. Do I really want to buy shotgun and not have Dwight's aspirin? Dwight: Puf weres sie... Jim: Shut up. Dwight: Ih hbw fah. Jim: Yeah. Dwight: Ihinigan. Pam: [to Kelly] Hey. Kelly: What are you guys doing? Dwight: What's the cat game? Pam: Oh, we're doin' the cat game. Dwight: Yesterday, two extremely attractive black men came into my office to see if I was in love. And I told them me size two tickets to a Hillary McGrory wedding. And they both laughed. But that's not all, this is what we are doing. Michael: Wallace is having Kelly assault him. Hey, Ryan, can you get this over with? Kelly: Not so fast, Michael. Michael: I'm not going to argue with that. But I will say this: Michael, you were not welcome in my right mind to bake this cake. [Bake By Browning, More Frosting... [Tones Box] Oh, so it's cuz--- Dwight: [Creed continues to discuss finances] There is nothing illegal going on. Kelly is being framed. Michael: No, no, no. There's nothing shady going on. Kelly is being framed. Dwight: He's not engaged, Michael. Michael: I told you he wasn't. Dwight: He told you that you weren't... engaged. Michael: That's unbelievable. Dwight: Thousand nine times, fractional-squared. Yea, I've never heard of that before. Michael: I've never heard of it. Kelly: I'm so sorry, Michael. I promised I wasn't going anywhere this weekend. Angela: I know. Pam: Yesterday, I was out with a bunch of my best friends and I was out with David and I talked with David. And now I'm meeting with him. And he's not engaged, but he's trying to set me up with somebody, and I don't have an office. So... it's great. Jessica: Great strategy, Lancelot. Nicely done. Rory Dean: Why did you hire all of the best men? Dwight & Michael: Because we think in things we can improve upon. Michael: What improvement would you like to see in terms of our personal lives? Rolando: I'm not interested in your personal lives. I have a personal life. And as such, I am going to set you up with somebody I trust. Mmm. Darryl would love to set you up with. It's too bad he doesn't exist. Dwight: Oh, you're talking about Andy. Andy is devastated right now. For a moment he thought Darryl was going to fire him. But he's moving forward just fine. Michael: I'm sorry to do this, I feel like I've been ======================================== SAMPLE 20 ======================================== Robert Scarn is Assistant Regional Manager. Ryan: Okay, Assistant Regional Manager. Robert Scarn: Go get him. Dwight: Does anyone else know what the New Orleans branch did to Ryan? Robert Scarn: Read up on his location. Dwight: Jason positioned Robert Scarn. This was his first assignment. Robert Scarn: Okay, that's not exactly... Dwight: Robert Scarn, rangers. Forever. Usher: Did you have a location involving? Dwight said he did two things. Dwight: Blow off the other person's location so he can get more information. Doesn't work. Erin: I'd like to go put you through a couple of questions. Dwight: When I was a farmer, and I was a police officer, did any of your family members live in Alaska? Usher: In the Pacific? Dwight: No. Andy: In the late 1960s, I worked in an office supply room and in an interview for a documentary crew. Robert Scarn: Andy: Starting with Dunder Mifflin. It's messed up, terrible pastimes. I should've been married to Robert Scarn. I've got nothing in common with his specific family. Besides, I'd like to think it was just bobbing my wife any one could've hired a manager, and whether it was Andy. Oscar: My family's Alaska. I was the first person to contact Andy Bernard, and the first wife to ever make it as a taxicab. Dwight: Why are you asking me this? You worked for Andy? The first wife was a live yak. Gabe: Hi, Gabe. Sorry I'm late for this one! Dwight Schrute, honcho envoy. Dwight: Dwight Schrute has never taken any bribes. Dwight: I grew up in a pretty conservative family. My dad was involved in a sex predator hotline, and I never got the tiniest bit of news about Tillman cases. I was a child model. Then Iissteyn. Getting into an accident response here. Dwight: Ok, I'm going to inform you that a woman was seen in the lobby last night. She is a respected spine surgeon, and we'd like to invite you to go pat her the groin. Phyllis: Oh, I love you, Dwight. [they shake hands] Dwight: [to Kevin] Hey, pat her the groin. Dwight: Pregnant with wonder poison. Slowed down after delivery. Can't stay here. We've made this a torture, I'm sick. Pam: What do you mean? Dwight: Just a few more minutes. You better breathe, okay? I'm going to the store. Toby: Him and me. Pam: Oh, for god's sake we're going? Dwight: Fine. Come on over here, come to my place. You better breathe. I was under the influence all night long. Jim: You gotta be kidding me! Dwight: No, no, no, you're not putting me in an impossible situation. You're a cameraman here, and you must know your rights. Come on you're losing you job. Jim: That's really interesting, and I'm not going to discuss anything else with you other than business. So thanks for the drive, all. Pam: Ohh... Jim: I'm sorry. Pam: Ohh... Dwight: I don't play God? Let's him do his thing. Good quarterbacking ability. Likes to hang out. Just a good defensive player. No big deal. Suck it up. You better watch your weight. Ryan: Look, I know you guys have been really active on our social media, but, um, I want to, um-- Kelly: Kelly, I was there! I was there. Wait a minute! You guys are shutting down Dunder Mifflin, or any of your offices? Ryan: TheyBabe! Stop it, stop it! Kelly: No, Ryan, stop it! Dwight: No, Ryan, no, no, no. You're not feeling that! Stop it, stop it. Ryan: I'm ready for you guys. I'm ready for you to sit down and go. Dwight: Let's just... Kelly: [appears momentarily dejected] Oh. Stop vomiting! Stop eating! Jim: Okay, stop watching me! Stop watching me!