Michael: All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
Jim: Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So...
Michael: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?
Jim: Actually, you called me in here, but yeah.
Michael: All right. Well, let me show you how it's done.
 
Michael: [on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. [quick cut scene] All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... [Clears throat] So that's the way it's done.
 
Michael: I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?
Pam: Well. I don't know.
Michael: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [growls]
Pam: What?
Michael: Any messages?
Pam: Uh, yeah. Just a fax.
Michael: Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.
Pam: You haven't told me.
Michael: It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.
 
Michael: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.
 
Dwight: [singing] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming]
 
Jim: My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this.
 
Michael: Whassup!
Jim: Whassup! I still love that after seven years.
Michael: Whassup!
Dwight: Whassup!
Michael: Whass...up!
Dwight: Whassup.
Michael: [Strains, grunts] What?
Jim: Nothing.
Michael: OK. All right. See you later.
Jim: All right. Take care.
Michael: Back to work.
 
Jan: [on her cell phone] Just before lunch. That would be great.
 
Michael: Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. [walking out of his office] Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah.
 
Jan: Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?
Michael: Um... Me no get an agenda.
Jan: What? I'm sorry?
Michael: I didn't get any agenda.
Jan: Well, I faxed one over to you this morning.
Michael: Really? I didn't... [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning?
Pam: Uh, yeah, the one...
Michael: Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?
Pam: You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.
Michael: Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.
Jan: Do you want to look at mine?
Michael: Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.
Jan: OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch.
Michael: OK...
Jan: Michael, don't panic.
Michael: No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent.
Jan: No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided.
Michael: All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!
Jan: I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.
Michael: OK. No problem.
Jan: This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing. 
Michael: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?
 
Michael: Question. How long do we have to... [Telephone rings] Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?
Jan: Go ahead.
Michel: Packman.
Todd Packer: Hey, you big queen.
Michael: Oh, that's not appropriate.
Todd Packer: Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?
Michael: Uh, I don't know what you mean.
Todd Packer: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Michael: Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.
Jan: So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.
Michael: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. [zips his lips] Like that.
 
Phyllis: So what does downsizing actually mean?
Stanley: Well...
 
Oscar: You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing.
 
Angela: I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.
Kevin: Yeah, it'll be you.
 
Pam: I have an important question for you.
Jim: Yes?
Pam: Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?
Jim: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.
 
Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
 
Michael: Hey.
Ryan: Hey.
Pam: This is Mr. Scott.
Michael: Guilty! Guilty as charged!
Ryan: Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today.
Michael: Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.
Ryan: Yup.
Michael: Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! [hold hand up for a high five] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [Continues with cod German]
 
Pam: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
 
Jim: Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim: It's not on your desk.
Dwight: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.
Dwight: You can't do that.
Jim: Why not?
Dwight: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Jim: [crosses fingers] We'll see. [Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone] This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.
Dwight: Downsizing?
 
Dwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
 
Pam: You just still have these messages from yesterday.
Michael: Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. [Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect]
Pam: What?
Michael: Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise.
Pam: Don't we all?
Michael: I'm sorry?
Pam: Nothing.
Michael: If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. [Sighs]
 
Michael: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. [Imitating a PA] Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.
 
Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable.
 
Michael: Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.
Dwight: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.
Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Dwight: OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?
Michael: I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody.
Oscar: Can't you just tell us.
Dwight: Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?
Michael: You don't know what it is. [Laughs]
Dwight: OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted.
Michael: I don't need your permission. 
Dwight: Go ahead.
Michael: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.
 
Ryan: I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know.
 
Oscar: Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here?
Michael: Not gonna happen.
Stanley: It could be out of your hands Michael.
Michael: It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that.
Stanley: Can you promise that?
Dwight: On his mother's grave.
Michael: No.
Phyllis: What?
Michael: Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.
Stanley: It's just that we need to know.
Michael: I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.
Pam: I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.
Man: Are you sure about that?
Michael: Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
Dwight: Pam, information is power.
Stanley: You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you?
Michael: No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin.
 
Jim: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.
 
Pam: Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... [Laughs]
 
Michael: Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp.
Ryan: What's up? Nice to meet you.
Michael: Introduce yourself. Be polite. 
Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.
Dwight: Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.
Michael: That's his profit.
Dwight: New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos.
 
Dwight: Damn it! Jim!
Michael: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Pam: [Laughing]
Dwight: That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.
 
Dwight: It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.
 
Michael: What is that?
Dwight: That is my stapler.
Michael: No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.
Dwight: OK you know what, you can be a witness. [points to Ryan] Can you reprimand him?
Jim: How do you know it was me?
Dwight: It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?
Michael: Discipline. Kinky! [Laughs] All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
Jim: OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.
Michael: [Laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.
Ryan: You should've put him in custardy.
Michael: Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
Dwight: OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.
Michael: Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.
 
Jim: Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.
Pam: So when are we going out?
Jim: Tonight, hopefully.
Pam: OK. Yeah.
Roy: Hey, man.
Jim: What's going on?
Roy: Hey, baby.
Pam: Hey.
 
Pam: Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring.
 
Pam: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?
Roy: No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home.
Pam: OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.
Jim: You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.
Roy: It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going.
Jim: Yeah, yeah. 
Jim: Um... What's in the bag?
Roy: Just tell her I'll talk to her later.
Jim: No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.
 
Jim: Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? [scratches head]
 
Michael: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. [Knock at door] Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?
Ryan: All right.
Michael: Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to...
Pam: You got a fax.
Michael: Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
Pam: What? Why?
Michael: Why? Well, theft and stealing.
Pam: Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?
Michael: Post-it Notes.
Pam: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?
Michael: 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.
Pam: Are you serious?
Michael: Yeah. I am.
Pam: I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me.
Michael: But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.
Michael: [Pam starts crying] You been X'd punk! [Laughing] Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.
Pam: You're a jerk.
Michael: I don't know about that.
 
Michael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
 
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Jim: How are things?
Pam: Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with...
Jim: Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache?
Pam: It's better, thanks. 
Jim: Good. Good. 
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: That's great
Pam: Is...?
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: Um... Are you...
Jim: Am I walking out?
Pam: Yes.
Jim: Yes, I... Do you want to...
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Great. Let me just...
Jim: [Car horn honking] Oh, Roy.
Pam: Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend.
Jim: Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. [looks at camera] You know what, just come here.
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Dwight: Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland.
 
Michael: [holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world.
 
Jim: My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Michael: Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?
Pam: I guess.
Michael: Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.
Pam: What?
Michael: Messages?
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Dwight: People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, "Hello, how are you? How's business been going?" And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?" And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. [Michael and Ryan high five] Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. [camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael] Now, who was the one before Curly?
Ryan: Uh, Shemp.
Michael: Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita.
Ryan: Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different.
Michael: Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Right. [Continues with cod German] Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler. [laughs]
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Michael: All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. [imitating monster] "I'm gonna get you, downsizing." No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Michael: So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. [comes to a screeching halt and laughs] This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. [camera zooms in on Kevin] Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. [hides behind office plant] "Very interesting, but stupid." Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Angela: My name is Angela and um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar.
Oscar: It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor.
Angela: Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down.
Oscar: There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house.
Kevin: I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band.
Angela: Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and um...
Oscar: Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know 'cause... Yeah we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back.
Angela: I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Michael: What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Michael: What's that?
Pam: Wired.
Michael: Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.
Pam: Oh, yeah.
Michael: Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?
Pam: Smoked turkey.
Michael: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Michael: Do I need to speak up? [grabs boom microphone] Hello.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Documentary Crew Member: [boom microphone drops into the camera shoot] Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work?
Dwight: That's fine.
Documentary Crew Member: [new take] No, you don't even need ... That's fine. We'll keep it...
Dwight: I'm sorry it makes me nervous.
Documentary Crew Member: Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you're saying as clearly as possible.
Dwight: I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. [new take] This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. [does a martial arts move with his hands] I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Documentary Crew Member: [talking over Dwight] It's...
Dwight: I'm doing my job.
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
Michael: I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth.

Michael: Hey, uh, can I help you out in here?
Mr. Brown: Oh, I'm all set, thanks.
Michael: Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea.
 
Michael: Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited.
 
Jim: That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, "100% post-consumer content." What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. [Shedder whirring] Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second.
Jim: Do you really have to do that right now?
Dwight: Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.
Jim: Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. [Power off, silence] Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... [Dialing tone] Hello? Thanks, Dwight.
Dwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim: That is not the expression.
Dwight: Well, it should be.
 
Jim: This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right?
 
Jim: Solitaire?
Pam: Yeah, Freecell.
Jim: Six on seven.
Pam: I know. I saw that.
Jim: So then, why didn't you do it?
Pam: I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.
Jim: Who doesn't love that?
 
Michael: Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man? 
Oscar: All right.
Michael: Did you have a good weekend going there?
Oscar: It was fine.
Michael: Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. [to Mr. Brown] Oh, hey! This is Oscar---
Oscar: Martinez.
Michael: Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis!
Mr. Brown: Great. We're all set.
Michael: Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please?
Jim: Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please.
Michael: It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day.
Jim: You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that.
 
Mr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great.
Michael: Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!
Mr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.
Michael: You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.
Mr. Brown: Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind.
Michael: Exactly, were not...
Mr. Brown: That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance.
Michael: With tolerance.
Mr. Brown: No. With more ignorance.
Michael: Ignorance.
Mr. Brown: Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity.
Michael: Let's celebrate.
Mr. Brown: Right. OK.
Michael: Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?
Mr. Brown: Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that...
Michael: You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.
Dwight: I have two. White and Indian.
Mr. Brown: Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission?
Michael: Yes.
Mr. Brown: Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated.
Michael: OK.
Mr. Brown: Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out.
Dwight: A few of the ground rules? 
Michael: Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him.
Dwight: OK, can we steer away from gay people?
Mr. Brown: Um...
Dwight: I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox.
Mr. Brown: Well, we only have an hour.
Dwight: I figured it would save time.
Michael: OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr...
Mr. Brown: Mr. Brown.
Michael: Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that.
Mr. Brown: Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK.
 
Michael: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?
 
Mr. Brown: So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome.
Michael: I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.
Mr. Brown: Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment.
Michael: OK, I will play guy listening.
Mr. Brown: Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember?
Kevin: I remember.
Mr. Brown: Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening.
Michael: OK.
 
Michael: Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.
 
Kevin: Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.
Michael: OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... [As Chris Rock] Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... [Bleep] I take care of my kid!
Mr. Brown: Wait a second.
Michael: [Bleep] They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!
Mr. Brown: Stop it!
Michael: [As Chris Rock] What you want a cookie?
 
Mr. Brown: Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.
Dwight: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.
Mr. Brown: OK.
Dwight: A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Ok, you're thinking of a superhero.
Dwight: We all have a hero in our heart.
Mr. Brown: Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge.
Michael: [Clears throat] I don't think I can sign this.
Mr. Brown: I can't leave until you do.
Michael: Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?
Mr. Brown: Michael, can I talk to you candidly?
Michael: Sure.
 
Mr. Brown: We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made.
Michael: Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit.
Mr. Brown: Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature.
Michael: OK, well I know. You told me that several times.
Mr. Brown: Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need. 
Michael: OK.
Mr. Brown: Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed.
Michael: Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't.
Mr. Brown: Don't worry about dating.
Michael: I won't.
Mr. Brown: OK. Thank you.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
 
Michael: "I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness..." Open-mindedness, is that even a word? "...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." [Laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that.
 
Jim: Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you.
Michael: "I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart." I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, "Mr. Brown," he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.
 
Michael: All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good.
Toby: Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? [Laughing]
Michael: Get out.
Toby: I'm sorry.
Michael: No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.
 
Michael: [on the tape] Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
 
Michael: OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?
Jim: : Uh, is that it?
Michael: Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.
Kevin: It was kind of hard to hear.
Michael: Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um...
Kelly: I have a customer meeting.
Michael: Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.
Oscar: What part Native American?
Michael: Two fifteenths.
Oscar: Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense.
Michael: Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on.
Oscar: OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico.
Michael: Oh, yeah...
Oscar: And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States.
Michael: Wow.
Oscar: My parents were Mexican.
Michael: Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?
Oscar: Thank... Yeah...
Michael: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Oscar: Mexican isn't offensive.
Michael: Well, it has certain connotations.
Oscar: Like what?
Michael: Like... I don't... I don't know.
Oscar: What connotations, Michael? You meant something.
Michael: No. Now, remember that honesty...
Oscar: I'm just curious.
Michael: ...empathy, respect... [Phone ringing] Jim! Jim!
Jim: Hello? Hello?
 
Michael: I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done.
 
Michael: Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's...
 
Michael: Oh this is a good one.
Pam: Um, hi. How are you?
Stanley: Fine. How are you?
Pam: Great.
Michael: Push it.
Stanley: I admire your culture's success in America.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.
Stanley: Who am I supposed to be?
Michael: No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.
Dwight: Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me.
Dwight: Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam: That's nice, Dwight.
Dwight: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
Pam: OK, I like your food.
Dwight: Outback steakhouse. [Australian accent] I'm Australian, mate!
Michael: Pam, come on. "I like your food." Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real.
Pam: OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman?
 
Michael: You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.
 
Jim: What are you watching?
Ryan: Chappelle's Show.
Jim: Really?
Ryan: I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space.
Jim: No way. I think she likes this stuff.
Ryan: Great. She's cute, huh?
Jim: Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but...
Ryan: Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch.
Jim: Oh, yeah. She's hot.
 
Kevin: Hey.
Angela: Hey.
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do, mon.
Angela: Stop...
Michael: OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.
 
Michael: [Voice raised, Indian accent] Kelly, how are you?
Kelly: I just had the longest meeting.
Michael: Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [slap!]
Michael: [trying not to cry] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.
 
Jim: [on the phone] Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you.
 
Michael: I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food.
Kevin: [Itialian accent]Maybe some spagh-etti.
Michael: Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: What?
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.
 
Jim: [Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder] Um... Hey.
Pam: [stirs] Mmmm.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: We can go.
Pam: Sorry.
Jim: That's fine.
 
Jim: Uh... Not a bad day.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Mr. Brown: Thanks for filling these out. I promise this will be quick. We only have about an hour.
Michael: Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour.
Mr. Brown: Does this company have 100 years to erase?
Michael: No, the country.
Mr. Brown: Oh right, more like 200 years.
Michael: Yeah, more like a 1,000.
Mr. Brown: Okay, um. Uh, I'll try to make this quick.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Dwight: I am a salesman, okay. And I don't think we should be doing this during prime sales hours. If you can prove to me that diversity is going to help my sales, I'll go elephant running with James Earl Jones. I really will, but not on spec.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Mr. Brown: HERO, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.
Michael: I just think that HERO? It's cute, but it's... It's empty, you know? It's easy. Dwight, you know what, I came up with some terms of my own. Could you put these on the board? The first one is Inclusion, New Attitudes, Color-blind...
Mr. Brown: Oh, nice.
Michael: Expectations....
Mr. Brown: Good.
Michael: Thank you. Sharing...
Mr. Brown: Great.
Michael: And tolerance.
Mr. Brown: Beautiful.
Pam: Um, that spells incest.
Mr. Brown: Oh, my sorry. That is not appropriate.
Michael: Well, it's not ideal but you have to give me some credit 'cause I made it into a word.
Mr. Brown: Yeah, but it's not appropriate. This is not helpful as a memory aid.
Michael: I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We're all a family, right? We're all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally...
Mr. Brown: Okay, Michael, I just...
Michael: No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally.
 
Pam: It would've been just as easy for him to spell insect. Of course, that wouldn't have made any sense either.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Mr. Brown: Does anyone have anything else at all? Anyone besides Michael?
Ryan: I have something.
Mr. Brown: Yes, please.
Ryan: Um, well I grew up here in Scranton and when I was a kid the guy who lived next door was a former baseball player, who actually played pro ball before the leagues were integrated. And he had the most incredible stories about...
Michael: Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that.
Mr. Brown: No, no, no, no. An outsider's perspective would probably be pretty helpful.
Michael: Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan you wanna just step outside?
Ryan: What do you want me to do?
Michael: Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what. Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to se if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important.
Mr. Brown: I'm sorry, Michael. We're actually out of time.
 
Pam: Yeah, um, there's good things about Michael. He uh, uh... Yeah, definitely. Um...
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Michael: "In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." [laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that. Doh! Hogan! Not again, Hogan! Get Col. Burkhalter on the phone! [laughing] I'm kind of a Hogan around here. And kind of, Jan is kind of Col. Burkhalter, then Dwight is Schultz. But, it's... Oh, God. We have fun. We have fun. 'Cause he's gonna be pissed. [making voice] No doubt about it.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Dwight: What you doing?
Jim: Freecell.
Dwight: Solitaire is a one-player game. It can't have two players.
Jim: Well, I mean.
Dwight: What's your win rate?
Pam: Seventy-six percent. What's yours?
Dwight: You're not allowed to play two-player. You need to start over.
Pam: You're doing fine.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Michael: Are we going? [Dwight puts four fingers in front of the camera to start a countdown] Don't do that. Just say action when we're ready.
Dwight: Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott, Diversity Tomorrow, take four. And action.
Michael: [mumbling] Should I... turn, no. Do it again.
Dwight: Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action.
Michael: Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles... Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don't laugh; please don't laugh this time Dwight. You're... it's, it's bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one.
Dwight: Take six.
Michael: Just let me do it! God! Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton... Keep the camera steady please! People are gonna get sea sick watching this. Ready? Three, two, one.
Dwight: Action.
Michael: Don't. Please don't say anything. [sighs] Oh, God.
Dwight: And action... Lights, camera, action. Whenever you're ready.
Michael: Could I count myself down please, Dwight. Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
Dwight: Cut.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Michael: [wandering around the room during his diversity exercise] I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad doesn't it. So let that come out.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Michael: Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool.
 
Michael: Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going. [camera shows Devon sitting outside with West Nile]
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Jim: Um, what's going on here?
Pam: People treat us like the race on our forehead. And then we guess what race we are.
Jim: Ah, good. Good luck. Doing good. [goes to the index cards and writes another race down]
Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman?
Jim: Yes, yes.
Dwight: God!
Jim: How embarrassing is it? That's not fair. Here...
Dwight: It's not fair.
Jim: Try this. [takes Dwight's 'Asian' race and switches it with the one he wrote]
Dwight: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Jim: Go get 'em.
Dwight: Good. [clears throat] So, am I a hunter gather culture?
Pam: No.
Dwight: Do I live near a harbor or an ocean?
Pam: No.
Dwight: No, I'm an inland. Am I a mountainous?
Pam: No.
Dwight: Am I nomadic?
Pam: No.
Dwight: Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I got this. Um, I am treated in a foreign way with a great deal of prejudice. Am I one of those tribes in Africa? The piggies, or whatever?
Pam: No.
Dwight: No. But I am, I am human, right? [Pam hesitates]
 
Dwight: [Dwight's new race is 'Dwight'] I could be French.
 
Dwight: [takes his 'Dwight' race off his forehead] Damn it, Jim! That's not funny, Jim!
Michael: Oh, okay. Here we go, breakthrough radar. What happened? What happened here?
Pam: It didn't have anything to do with race.
Michael: Okay, all right. Let's keep on track. Keep on point. Let's do it.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Pam: One time we had an ethnic festival in Scranton. One time. 
 
Michael: Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [Kelly slaps Michael] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly thank you. [claps] She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time. [trying not to cry] Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right?
Jim: Um, why did she slap Martin Luther King?
Michael: What, huh?
Pam: What card was she?
Jim: I think she wasn't wearing a card.
Michael: It's good. This is good. We got it happening now. All right? Let's keep it rolling. Let's round it up.

Michael: Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Pam: I'm not making any copies.
Michael: Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.
Pam: Nothing new.
Michael: Lay them on me. What?
Pam: There's nothing new.
Michael: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... [nods toward camera]
 
Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
 
Jan: So, which health plan have you decided on?
Michael: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works.
Jan: Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?
Michael: I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Jan: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
Michael: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: You gotta crack these things open.
Jan: You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.
Michael: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.
Jan: It's your job. So...
Michael: Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.
Jan: Michael... maybe... I mean...
Michael: There, there...
Jan: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael: [scoffs] When have you ever done that?
Jan: I'm doing it right now. To you.
 
Jim: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it?
Pam: No. I have a life.
Jim: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam: You should try it sometime.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...
Pam: [laughs]... your problem.
Michael: Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah.
 
Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim: Gosh.
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this?
 
Jim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
 
Dwight: Yes. I can do it. I'm your man.
 
Jim: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
 
Dwight: OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.
Dwight: OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine.
Michael: You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Dwight: [to self] Yes, I have an office. [to camera] Bigger than his.
Michael: Nope, you cannot use it.
Dwight: OK, I take it back, it's a workspace.
Michael: Temporary workspace. You can use it.
Dwight: Thank you.
 
Michael: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.
 
Dwight: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.
Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
 
Stanley: There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.
 
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael: [on phone] Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Pam: Where are you?
Michael: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?
Pam: Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the... 
Michael: Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
Pam: No you're not.
Michael: I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Pam: OK.
Michael: Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.
Pam: Still no one calling. 
 
Pam: Dwight, what... 
Dwight: Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim: It says "workspace".
Dwight: Same thing.
Jim: If it's the same thing, then why did you write "workspace"?
Dwight: Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.
Jim: You are not my superior.
Dwight: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim: I thought it was a workspace?
Pam: OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?
Dwight: Yes. And my decision in final.
Pam: This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.
Dwight: Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.
Jim: You cut more than you had to, didn't you?
Dwight: Sure.
Jim: Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim: OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
 
Oscar: He literally won't come out of his office.
Kevin: He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom.
Angela: Kevin! That's inappropriate. 
 
Oscar: Michael, can I talk to you?
Michael: Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check?
Meredith: Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?
Michael: Ah, what? Which memo?
Pam: Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it.
Michael: Is it a good plan?
Dwight: It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.
Oscar: It's like a pay decrease.
Pam: Michael, he made huge cuts.
Michael: Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?
Dwight: Yeah, you said... 
Michael: No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK?
Dwight: I can handle that.
Michael: OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?
 
Oscar: This is not good.
Angela: It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?
Oscar: What was that?
Angela: You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic.
Kevin: What are you guys talking about?
Angela: Nothing, Kevin.
 
Michael: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I... love him.
 
Dwight: OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Jim: OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
Dwight: OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.
Jim: Workspace.
 
Michael: You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.
Pam: Where are you going?
Michael: Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. [Giggles] Couldn't find the knob.
 
Michael: So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.
Travel Agent: I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...
 
Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.
Jim: Thank you.
 
Michael: [on his cell phone] Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
Man on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.
Michael: Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.
Man on Phone: It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.
Michael: So it's not a free fall?
Man on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator.
Michael: Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?
 
Michael: OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway? 
 
Dwight: Damnit! Damnit Jim! 
Dwight: All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them. 
Jim: What are you talking about?
Dwight: Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.
Jim: OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection.
Dwight: You did this, didn't you?
Jim: Absolutely not.
Dwight: Yes you did.
Jim: No I didn't.
Dwight: I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!
 
Jim: Killer nanorobots?
Pam: It's an epidemic.
 
Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. [reads off of paper] "Count Choculitis"
Jim: Sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?
Dwight: I think you need to confess... 
Jim: Mmm hmm.
Dwight: ...the fact...
Jim: Yep.
Dwight: What are you doing? Those are my keys.
Jim: Good luck. [closes door and locks it]
Dwight: Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let... [Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley]
Stanley: [looks at keys, continues talking on phone] ...the light green or green...
 
Jim: [answering phone] Jim Halpert.
Dwight: Let me out.
Jim: Who is this?
Dwight: Let me out or you're fired.
Jim: No, you can't fire me.
Dwight: Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Jim: OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. [presses button on phone]] Jim Halpert.
Pam: [on phone] Hey, Jim. It's Pam.
Jim: Hey Pam! How are you?
Dwight: Jim! Open the door!
Pam: Good, how are you? Busy?
Jim: I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
Jim: No, not at all.
Pam: You don't have anything you're doing?
Jim: I have nothing to do.
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything.
Dwight: Jim!
Jim: Oh yeah?
Pam: I might go to the mall.
Jim: The mall?
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: I need new shoes.
Jim: Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?
 
Jan: Hello?
Dwight: Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.
Jan: This is Jan.
Dwight: Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
Jan: Who is this?
Dwight: Dwight Schrute.
Jan: From sales?
Dwight: Well...
Jan: Where's Michael Scott?
Dwight: He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.
Jan: Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
Jan: Really?
Dwight: Yeah.
Jan: OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight: Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan: No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again.
Dwight: Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your... [dial tone]
 
Michael: Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! [laughs] Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.
Ryan: Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the...
Michael: Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly.
Stanley: Oh, thanks.
Michael: There you go.
Stanley: This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.
Michael: Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it.
Dwight: Michael. Michael?
Michael: [under his breath] Oh, Christ.
 
Dwight: I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.
 
Dwight: I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
Stanley: What about confidentiality?
Dwight: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
 
Dwight: OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: Someone has it.
 
Kevin: Do you think we should go ?
Oscar: I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want... [spots Michael through the blinds] There he is.
Kevin: What is he doing?
Oscar: I don't know.
 
Oscar: Well?
Michael: Well, what? You could be referring to anything.
Oscar: OK, the health care plan.
Pam: Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.
Michael: Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?
Dwight: I most certainly did not.
Michael: Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? [looks at watch] Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday.
Angela: What about the surprise?
Michael: Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?
Stanley: We all think you don't have a surprise.
Michael: All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr!
 
Michael: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
 
Michael: [clapping hands] God, yeah... Ah! This...
 
Michael: Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.
 
Dwight: Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Dwight: [heated discussion in the 'Dwight Schrute Workspace', door opens] I did not dismiss you.
Oscar: Well, you have no right to ask those questions.
Dwight: You came into my office voluntarily.
Oscar: Because I don't want my benefits slashed.
Dwight: Well, maybe they won't get slashed if you answer all my questions.
Oscar: I'm reporting you.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Dwight: You know when ever a worker is promoted above their peers there's always going to be a little bit of jealousy. Uh, it's natural. And that's going to lead to goofing off and that's okay that's fine. As long as they are willing to suffer the consequences.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Oscar: Michael I need to talk to you. 
Michael: Sorry, too busy can't even come to the door.
Oscar: [opens door] Michael.
Michael: Yeah, no... [hurries to get up from chair]
Oscar: Michael, Michael I... [blinds rustle] ... inside.
Michael: You know what. I, um, I'm out the door. I'm going to a meeting. Pam, I'm headed out to another meeting. So see you later. Uh, here we go.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Pam: We stole Dwight's trashcan and she found some of his early attempts at his sign.
Jim: Okay, here's uh, this is very simple. "Dwight's Workspace," nice.
Pam: Mmm hmm.
Jim: Um, this one interesting the power comes from the font in this one. "Schrute Space," very medieval, very England. Um, this one's forceful, this one's very Dwight. "Quiet! Dwight Schrute Working," it's good. 
Pam: Mmm hmm.
Jim: I really heard him on that. This one's interesting I'm not really sure what he meant by this. Um, "Dwight Schrute Privates." Tough to say.
Pam: Yeah.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Jim: Okay, you know what, Dwight. What if you got a really serious disease like Ebola.
Dwight: Psssh, no.
Jim: Well, it could happen. Have you ever seen the movie Outbreak?
Dwight: Yeah. Well, have you ever seen the movie Unbreakable? 'Cause that guy couldn't get sick, just like me.
Jim: Okay. Have you ever seen the movie Sixth Sense? Maybe you are already dead.
Dwight: Unlikely.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Pam: You promise these are confidential?
Dwight: 100%.
Pam: Did you just mark on that?
Dwight: I don't think so, no.
Pam: You made a "P."
Dwight: Wrong. [walks away] Thank you Jim. Kevin. Stanley. [whispering] Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. You finished?
Oscar: Oh, yeah. Here's the rest of them.
Dwight: That was... unauthorized.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Michael: Well, it is time to call in a little favor. A buddy of mine runs this tourist attraction, actually it's big. It's probably one of the most popular in the state. So...
Man on Phone: Hello.
Michael: [on his cell phone] Hey, hey Craigers, my man! It is Michael Scott here. [silence] Dunder Mifflin, we supply your office paper.
Man on Phone: Oh, I think we already did our order this month.
Michael: No, no, no, no. No, actually to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, here's the deal. Um, trying to give the troops here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could bring them down to go on your big ride.
Man on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.
Michael: Well, it says here that it's a 300ft drop.
Man on Phone: Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.
Michael: So it's not a free fall?
Man on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator.
Michael: Uh, okay. So um, once you get down into the mine, what do you do? Is it like, uh... Do you have laser tag down there or something?
Man on Phone: No, you just look around. It's a historically preserved coal mine.
Michael: That's it?
Man on Phone: Well, there's the adjacent Anthracite Heritage Museum. They got some really interesting old mining tools. There's also a photo mural exhibit. Uh, bat guano sculpture. [Michael hangs up cell phone] 
Michael: Uh, he's a small client. They don't really buy much.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Dwight: Why do you want health care, Pam? Hmm? Why do you want it?
Pam: In case I get sick.
Dwight: Why don't you just go ahead and use Roy's health care plan, huh?
Pam: Because we're not married.
Dwight: But you're engaged. Aren't you and maybe you've set a date for the wedding, hmm? And because you know you're going to get married you don't have to take our health care plan seriously.
Pam: We haven't set a date. [Dwight laughs]
Dwight: You really expect me to believe you haven't set a date? I think you have. Sure Pam, sure. But you know what, you've been engaged for three years and I know you've set a date. And you know what else, I know you've got coverage under Roy and I know that you wrote down those fake diseases. Admit it. Admit it, Pam.
Pam: Shut up, Dwight.
Dwight: You wrote down... I didn't give you permission to.. I didn't...
Pam: I'm not talking to you anymore.
Jim: Dwight, I uh, I have something to confess.
Dwight: You're doing the right thing. Go ahead. What 's your confession?
Jim: Um...
Dwight: Let it out.
Jim: You're a jackass.
Dwight: Okay. You wanna do this the hard way. We'll do this the hard way. You wrote down those fake diseases didn't you?
Jim: No. Was that the hard way?
Dwight: I know you did.
Jim: Well, then why are you wasting everybody else's time interrogating them?
Dwight: Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down.
Jim: Right.
Dwight: You want you to take this pen and this piece of paper and write this down. Write this down.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: I, Jim Halpert...
Jim: Wait, slow down.
Dwight: ...confess to health care fraud.
Jim: One second 'cause that sounds really good. Is jackass one word or two? [Dwight sighs] One, right? 'Cause, 'cause of the show, it's one.
Dwight: One word.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Michael: I've really learned from the greats. The great improvisers, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, uh, the Brady guy not so much. He's more the signing, Wayne Brady. Um, Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. [as Robin Williams] "That's Good morning, Vietnam!" Well, hello to you. You know it would be... God. And you know what, sometimes when I'm watching somebody like um, like Jay Leno. He'll be half way through his step [snaps his fingers] And I will already be laughing at the punch line. He hasn't even gotten to it. He doesn't even know what it is it. So it's fun, you know it's fun having a mind that works like that. That is just a few steps ahead of... comedically ahead of like what's going on. Like I'll watch T.V. and I'll be watching a show and I will think, oh, I know someone's gonna walk in here right now and say something funny. And then they do. Or, um, I know they'll be like oh boy that person deserved to be slammed down. There's going to be some sort of insult. And there is. You know, there's like, "Oh you're... God your butt is fat." And I knew it. I know it's like I knew they were going to say that. I knew they were gonna go there. Don't go there. Um, but other... You know it's like uh, you know Leno, um and Letterman, Carson, you know. Need I say more? No.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Dwight: Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.
Michael: We're all going bowling!

Dwight: Michael!?
Michael: Oh! God. Dwight, come on...
Dwight: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
Michael: There's no downsizing.
Dwight: I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Michael: Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.
Dwight: Yeah, so I don't have to worry?
Michael: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?
Michael: But there's no downsizing, so just don't...
Dwight: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Michael: Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.
 
Michael: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." [as Donald Trump] "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. [as Donald Trump] "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...
 
Dwight: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.
 
Stanley: Why'd you do this?
Dwight: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?
 
Michael: Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
Michael: Who is it? Who's the birthday?
Pam: Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
Michael: Next person on the...
Pam: Oh.
Michael: ...calendar.
Pam: Okay, umm... that would be Meredith.
Michael: Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!
Pam: But it's not until next month.
Michael: Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
Pam: You still want to have a party?
Michael: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
Michael: [grabs cell phone off desk] Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.
 
Phyllis: Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it.
Angela: What?
Phyllis: I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Phyllis: Yeah?
Angela: What color do you guys think?
Phyllis: Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red... 
Pam: How about green?
Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish.
 
Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
 
Michael: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!
Michael: So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
Angela: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so... 
Michael: She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...
Pam: It is... her birthday.
Michael: Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?
 
Dwight: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Dwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Jim: Absolutely, I do.
Dwight: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
 
Jim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
 
Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: The gun show. [Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep]
 
Jim: And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way."
 
Dwight: There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone.
 
Pam: An alliance?
Jim: Oh yeah.
Pam: What does that even mean?
Jim: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.
Jim: Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.
Dwight: Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?
 
Dwight: Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Jim: What? No.
Dwight: Just now.
Jim: What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.
Dwight: Right, that's good, good, pursue this.
Jim: Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?
Dwight: Mmm hmm.
Jim: But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.
Dwight: Done.
Jim: All right.
 
Michael: [to the camera] Can you get her? She's right there. [camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk] That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. [laughs] Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." [pretends to vomit and laughs]
 
Dwight: They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?
Jim: Yeah, what do you think that's about?
Dwight: Only one way to find out.
Jim: I'm on it.
 
Jim: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight: What? I believe it.
Jim: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight: I could tell, from the body language.
 
Jim: Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Kevin: Italian.
Jim: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone...
Kevin: Yeah.
 
Jim: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight: Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.
Jim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight: Oh, they're forming an alliance
 
Toby: I love their sandwiches.
Jim: I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin: Their bread's really good.
Jim: Their bread is very good.
 
Dwight: Damn it. God!
Jim: OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight: God... Damn it! Why us?
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.
 
Michael: [staring at birthday card] Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.
Michael: Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?
Oscar: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Michael: Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?
Oscar: My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if...
Michael: What?
Oscar: Donate to the charity?
Michael: Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.
Oscar: Thank you.
Michael: No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25.
Oscar: That's... that's... that's very generous.
Michael: Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so...
 
Pam: [whispering] Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
Jim: Sure, what's up?
Pam: Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?
Jim: Oh no?
Pam: Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends." But he's all like, "This is confidential. You can't tell anybody." But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.
Jim: No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.
Pam: OK, yeah.
Dwight: Jackpot.
 
Jim: That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great.
 
Michael: [looking at birthday card] Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.
Dwight: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Michael: Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight: I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.
Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael: [laughs] Which one is that again?
Dwight: That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight: It could be kind of funny.
Michael: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.
 
Jim: OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.
Dwight: Oh my God, we have to be there.
Jim: I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.
Dwight: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.
Jim: What? What?
Dwight: I know. I know exactly what to do.
Jim: [gives Dwight a high five] Great.
 
Dwight: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision.
 
Dwight: This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.
Jim: Good.
 
Ryan: Michael? Are you done yet?
Michael: Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.
 
Jim: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.
Dwight: So tape it down.
Jim: I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.
Dwight: Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.
Jim: Thank you, thank you. OK.
 
Everybody: Surprise!
Meredith: Oh! Surprise.
Angela: No, it's ah...
Michael: It's surprise Meredith. One, two...
Everybody: [tunelessly] Happy birthday to you.
Michael: Find a key.
Everybody: Happy birthday...
 
Jim: So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?
Dwight: No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone.
Jim: Right... That's good.
 
Dwight: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.
 
Everybody: [singing] ... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you...
Michael: And many more!
 
Stanley: Last year, five years ago...
Michael: You were surprised, weren't you?
Meredith: Yes.
Michael: You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some?
Meredith: Uh, I can't. Um...
Michael: Come on. A little bit.
Meredith: I can't eat dairy.
Michael: Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.
Meredith: Yeah, it makes me sick.
Michael: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good.
 
Pam: He's in a box?
Jim: Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic.
 
Pam: [on her cell phone] Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that...
Dwight: [box falls over] Oh.
 
Michael: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Jim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?
Michael: Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Jim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
Michael: Is Oscar around?
 
Michael: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
Oscar: Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.
Michael: I know...
Oscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, "However many dollars per mile."
Michael: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...
Oscar: I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.
Michael: No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Oscar: Yeah.
Michael: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Michael: Son of a bitch. That is impressive.
 
Pam: Happy Birthday. [gives Meredith her card]
Michael: Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
Meredith: "Happy Bird-day" Um... "Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still."
Michael: [under his breath] I don't know about that.
Meredith: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam."
Michael: [pretends to vomit] Huh! Thanks, downer.
Meredith: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
Meredith: No, I... I get it. It's funny.
Michael: [laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... "Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes.
Michael: Divorce. Um... OK, "Meredith is so old..."
Oscar: How old is she?
Michael: Everybody? If... could do it? "Meredith is so old..."
Everybody: How old is she?
Michael: "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."
Michael: That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.
Oscar: Uh, nice party Michael.
Michael: This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Angela: Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.
Phyllis: Oh, boy... You...
Michael: OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25.
Oscar: Per mile.
Michael: Per mile, yes.
 
Michael: When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.
 
Michael: A check for the kids, and for the team. 
 
Michael: I want it to be like... "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, [whispering] that was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him."
 
Oscar: Thank you, Michael.
Michael: Come here. [hugs Oscar and In a low voice] Don't cash that till Friday, OK?
 
Toby: Really? Today?
Ryan: Yeah.
Toby: Oh, Happy Birthday.
Ryan: Thanks.
Toby: Yeah, I could say something.
Ryan: No, don't. Don't do that.
 
Jim: OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.
Pam: Oh, tell me, tell me.
Jim: OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and... [Pam starts laughing]... spy on our other branch. No no no.
Jim: But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
Pam: [laughing] That's perfect!
Jim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair...
Roy: [yelling] What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
Jim: No, no, dude, no.
Pam: Hey, Hey!
Jim: No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
Pam: Come on.
Jim: God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...
Pam: It's just office pranks.
Jim: It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.
Roy: [looking at Dwight] An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
Dwight: I have absolutely no idea.
Roy: Come on.
 
Dwight: Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
Dwight: [With blonde hair] That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Dwight: Good, excellent, and file sharing off and done. Security software, 128-bit encryption, firewalls. Get up, I'll install it on your computer.
Jim: No thanks.
Dwight: Pssh, stupid. Identity theft happens all the time. I can become you like that. [snaps fingers] But no one can become me.
Jim: No one wants to be you, Dwight.
Dwight: Not true. And if they did, they couldn't because I'm password protected.
Jim: Is your password Frodo?
Dwight: No. [typing on keyboard]
Jim: Did you just change it to Gollum?
Dwight: No. [typing on keyboard]
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Pam: [telephone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please.
Michael: All righty then, well I see you're going for the whole bored supermodel thing. "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?" [takes a drag from an imaginary cigarette] Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
Pam: I wasn't really going for anything.
Michael: No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, "Oh, oh-hum." A beautiful sunset, "No, I'll catch the next one." Right? Unicorn walks into the office, "Oh, do you have an appointment?" [laughs] Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you're doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you're not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff.
Pam: Are you being serious?
Michael: Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I'd like you to smile. I'd like to see a big smile.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: Okay. [waits for call]
Pam: No one's calling.
Michael: I know, somebody will. And we'll wait.
Pam: Sometimes there's a lot of time between the calls.
Michael: I know, I know, we will wait.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: We will wait for the call and you will smile. Let me try something, just while we're waiting.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: Tell me if I'm smiling or not. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you? Was I smiling?
Pam: Yes.
Michael: Okay, let me try this one. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you?
Pam: No.
Michael: I mean you can tell.
Pam: Yeah, I could tell.
Michael: I wasn't smiling that time and they can tell too.
Pam: That was a good example.
Michael: Thank you. All right, when we get a call I'll come back and you'll do the smile.
Pam: Okay. [telephone rings]
Michael: Show time! It's show time!
Pam: [smiling] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. One moment I'll transfer you.
Michael: Okay.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Dwight: [throwing away a banana, mayonnaise, and a sandwich from the refrigerator, smells the mayonnaise] God. [drinks from the milk carton and puts it back] Mmm.
Jim: [looks in the refrigerator] Hey Dwight, my tuna sandwich isn't in the refrigerator. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?
Dwight: It was rotting.
Jim: It was not rotting.
Dwight: Any employee may dispose a food item...
Jim: Stop. Dwight, stop.
Dwight: ...that risks contaminating the other food item. Read the official kitchen regulations memo.
Jim: Dwight, you wrote that memo. Okay, it's not an official memo.
Dwight: Uh, uh, not my problem. Okay, this is a paper factory not a bacteria factory.
Jim: Dwight, it's not a factory at all. Do you have to do what you are doing? [Dwight is tapping each of the bobble heads on his desk and making them bobble]
Dwight: Uh, if they don't bobble, what's the point?
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Angela: What is this?
Oscar: My nephew does it every year. Anything you could give would be fantastic.
Angela: Okay, but I don't want to be put on a mailing list.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Jim: We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight: God... Damn it! Why us?
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong. God, it's freezing, I gotta go in. You stay though for like five minutes.
Dwight: [talking over Jim] Okay.
Jim: You don't want to arouse suspicion.
Dwight: I'll stay for ten.
Jim: Good. I like it. You know what. Pretend to smoke. [Dwight pretends to smoke] 
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Michael: Do a poem for Meredith's birthday or uh, limerick. Limerick. Um, [knock on door] there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Come on in. Who had a big, smifflin.
Toby: Hi, do you mind if I sign the card real quick?
Michael: No, not at all come on in. [Toby signing the birthday card] No, no. You can't. No, red hair is my area. We have it on tape, so...
Toby: It's just a birthday card.
Michael: I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. [Toby writes on birthday card] What are you doing? Oh come on, you're ruining it. Toby, come on. Just, look at that. That's wrecked. Ass. Get some white out. 
Toby: There's some right there.
Michael: That's my white out. Get your own white out. Just... what's the matter with you? God. [Toby leaves] Okay, um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Who had a big, puttifflin. [thinking out loud] Mifflin, spifflin.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Jim: Uh, by the way. Have you heard Dwight say the word immunity, yet? Because if I can get Dwight to say the word immunity, it might be the greatest day of my life.
 
Dwight: Hey.
Michael: Hey.
Dwight: You wanted to see me?
Michael: Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight: I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.
Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael: Which one is that again?
Dwight: That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight: It could be kind of funny.
Michael: [sighs] Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?
Dwight: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: Help me out here.
Dwight: Okay. Hey Meredith, where's your uterus?
Michael: No, not a uterus joke Dwight. Please. Something useable. A joke.
Dwight: If I find a joke for you, will you grant me immunity? [cut to Jim holding his hands up like a champion]
Michael: What?
Dwight: From the downsizing.
Michael: There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight. You know what, I am on a deadline here and just, okay. Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'm... I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. [Dwight leaves] Thanks for coming in, that's always... Always helpful when I give him a call. Call him in.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Michael: Meredith. Oh, oh man, ah gosh. I can't remember why I came over here. Ha, ha.
Meredith: I hate that.
Michael: I know. Ugh, that is so annoying. [makes fart noise] Brain fart. By the way, do you remember any funny interactions we may have had recently that I've forgotten about? Just, you know we bumped into each and you said, "Brr, brr." And I went, "Argh, Argh." You know? Anything? [shakes her head 'no'] Well, if you think of something, let me know. 'Cause I like to know. 'Cause I'm going crazy.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Michael: Oscar, uh for future reference just think you should know, that you should probably make it clear that your nephew is doing the walkathon and that he doesn't actually have cerebral palsy. Okay.
Oscar: I never suggested...
Michael: No, no. I know you didn't intend to, but I just I got the idea and I, uh, I just don't it has a lot of ethical merit to make people think something. You know? And then prey on their emotions.
Oscar: Michael, if I gave you...
Michael: No, hey it's just kinda uncool, okay? I, just... Play fair, you know, play fair. 
Oscar: Thank you. 
Michael: Thank you.
Oscar: Okay.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Meredith: "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
Meredith: No, I...I get it. It's funny.
Michael: [laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, Okay, here's a good one. Um..."Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes.
Michael: Divorce. Um... Okay, "Meredith is so old..."
Oscar: How old is she?
Michael: If everybody... could do it? "Meredith is so old..."
Everybody: How old is she?
Michael: "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."
Michael: [clears throat] What's the difference between Meredith and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson's surgery was unnecessary.
Meredith: You're talking about my hysterectomy.
Michael: Yes! Thank you. God. She gets it. [laughs] We just picked the best one right? Just had it.
Pam: [whispering] I'm so sorry. [Angela, Phyllis, and Pam all whispering] ... seriously, we're just...
Michael: Um, no, no. Come on. No. Don't comfort... don't comfort her, that's not... She doesn't need comforting. We're just joking around. I think she's... No that's very unprofessional. I think she's being very unprofessional over there.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Dwight: I'm only going to ask you this once. Are you part of an alliance?
Ryan: What?
Dwight: Well played.

Michael: [to Jim]: Hey, you ready?
Michael: All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent, excellent. 
Dwight: Michael! 
 
Michael: Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, "This might be kinda fun." And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.
 
Michael: Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.
Dwight: Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team.
Michael: No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.
Dwight: Oh, please.
Michael: [to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game...
Dwight: I apologized for that.
Michael: [to Dwight] I vouched for you.
Dwight: Michael, I...
Michael: I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.
Dwight: I can handle that.
Michael: Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that.
Dwight: And that's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael: Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: [to camera] Same thing.
Michael: No, it's not. It's lower, so... 
Dwight: It's close.
 
Dwight: So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim.
Jim: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this?
Phyllis: Keep me out of it.
 
Pam: My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding.
 
Michael: All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
Ryan: Fine, don't worry about that.
Michael: And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood." Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.
Lonny: What's up?
Michael: And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
Darryl: It's not my real name.
Michael: No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.
Ryan: Darryl Rogers?
Darryl: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers.
Michael: [laughs] And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.
Ryan: Yeah, yeah.
Michael: You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport!
 
Pam: [on the phone] No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years.
 
Jim: Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago.
 
Michael: So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.
Darryl: We're loading at one.
Michael: Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.
Darryl: No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time.
Michael: Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken]
Darryl: All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock.
Michael: All right, see you at one.
 
Michael: Are we ready for the game?
Everybody: [half-heartedly] Yeah.
Michael: I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight: Just trying to be helpful.
Michael: Uh, [in a nerdy voice] "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword."
Jim: That's him.
Michael: OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.
Stanley: I'm sorry?
Michael: Um, what do you play? Center?
Stanley: Why "of course"?
Michael: Uh...
Stanley: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael: Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.
Jim: Uh, I heard it.
Michael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time.
Phyllis: I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.
Michael: [ignores Phyllis)] Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.
Ryan: But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch?
Michael: Yes.
Ryan: OK.
Michael: Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?
Oscar: I can help out, if you need me.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Kevin: I have a hoop in my driveway.
Michael: No.
Phyllis: I have a sports bra.
Michael: No, no, ridiculous.
Dwight: Michael, look. [Dwight throws paper at the garbage can]
Missed it...
Michael: Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: Sorry Phyllis.
Dwight: Can I be team captain?
Michael: No, I'm team captain.
Dwight: Can I be team manager?
Michael: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.
Dwight: Assistant team manager?
Michael: No.
Dwight: OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then.
Michael: Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.
Jim: Oh my God.
Michael: Threat neutralized.
 
Michael: [hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper] Off the backboard!
Pam: Please don't throw garbage at me.
Michael: Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?
Pam: I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance.
Jim: I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and...
Michael: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Pam: Maybe Angela would cheerlead.
Michael: Oh, yeah right.
Phyllis: I'll do it.
Michael: Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good.
 
Michael: Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?
Darryl: Just getting a tea bag.
Michael: Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!
Darryl: Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.
Michael: Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday.
Darryl: No, that's not as much fun. You know what?
Michael: What?
Darryl: You're on.
Michael: OK. Cool, you're on. [to Dwight] Don't screw this up.
 
Michael: [to camera] Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game.
 
Angela: Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? [Dwight holds the kit up] How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you.
 
Jim: Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here.
 
Jim: You coming down?
Pam: Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones.
Jim: You gonna wish me luck?
Pam: Yeah, you're gonna need it.
Jim: Whoa.
Jim: Is that trash talk from Pam?
Pam: [laughing] I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so... 
Jim: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.
Jim: I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah.
 
Michael: Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it.
Jim: Have a good game man.
Roy: Yeah, you too. Should be fun.
Michael: All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?
Ryan: I stretched before I came.
Michael: OK.
 
Michael: OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.
Jim: Really? I thought I'd take Roy.
Michael: Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys.
Dwight: [taking off his shirt] OK, we'll be skins!
Michael: Aw, come on Dwight.
Dwight: What? Shirts on or off?
Michael: On. Just put it on.
Dwight: You sure?
Michael: Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK?
Roy: Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.
Michael: Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! [Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up] Oh... Here we go! [Lonny shoots and makes it] Who's on him? Somebody get him!
Teammates: Yeah!
Roy: That's what I'm talking about.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. [Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael] Here we go. Three! [Shoots and misses] Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone!
Dwight: De-fense! [clap, clap] [Michael joins in] De-fense! [clap clap]
Michael and Dwight: De-fense! De-fense!
Warehouse worker: [Roy scores] Well done team.
Michael: Who's got Roy? [Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket]
Pam: Woo!
 
Michael: [misses a half court shot] Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. [Dwight scores] Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go.
 
Michael: [Roy bumps Michael to get around him] OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul.
Roy: OK.
Michael: OK, I'll take it. [misses free throw] OK.
 
Michael: When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone.
 
Michael: [misses another shot] What is wrong with me today?!
 
Michael: Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually.
 
Michael: Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! [Michael looks away and misses Jim's pass] Whoa!
Jim: My bad.
Darryl: [scores] Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Lonny: [dancing] Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there.
Michael: That is cool. Is that like the Robot?
 
Michael: [Ryan scores] Nice! Come here! [gives Ryan a chest bump]
Ryan: Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine.
Darryl: You have one more free throw shoot. Come on.
Roy: All right, let's go.
 
Warehouse worker: Watch your back Madge.
Madge: Hey! Come on man!
Michael: Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight!
Dwight: [scores] Yeah! [points to Madge] In your face!
Madge: Yeah, like that counts.
Michael: You know what? Dwight, Dwight...
 
Michael: Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... [singing] Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah...
 
Michael: [singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter...
Roy: [steals the ball, scores, mimics singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball.
Michael: All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on!
Michael: What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls.
Jim: You know what? Let me take Roy.
Michael: All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on.
 
Michael: Shoot, shoot it. [Roy hits Jim in the mouth with his elbow] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up.
 
Darryl: Block, block, block!
Madge: He's afraid of you now.
Michael: [Jim makes a shot after pushing off Roy] Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt?
 
Michael: [Jim pushes Roy to the ground and makes another shot] Yes!
Roy: What the hell man?
Jim: Take it easy.
Roy: No, you take it easy.
 
Michael: [Darryl scores] Watch the long passes, you guys!
 
Ryan: [Dwight steals the ball from Ryan] Same team, Dwight.
Michael: Dwight!
Dwight: [scores] Yes!
 
Michael: [Phyllis scores] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score?
Angela: You're ahead.
Michael: Yeah, baby, here we go!
Michael: [Jim has the ball] Jim! Jim! Right here! [runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him] Ow! God! Hold it!
Worker: I'm sorry.
Michael: Foul! Foul!
Worker: I'm sorry. You all right?
Michael: Oh, that hurts.
Worker: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Michael: What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?
Darryl: Take your shot man!
Michael: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.
Worker: No it wasn't.
Michael: [mocking voice] Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.
Worker: Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up...
Michael: Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.
Angela: This is a cold pack...
Dwight: Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. [bag explodes]
Michael: Thanks Dwight.
Lonny: Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?
Michael: Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.
Darryl: That was you.
Michael: It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face.
Roy: No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday.
Darryl: Yeah, this isn't happening.
Michael: Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so...
Lonny: So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right?
Michael: Hey, hey...
Lonny: Monday?
Michael: [laughing] You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word.
 
Jim: [to Pam] ...so I talked to the scout, it looks good.
Pam: Mmm-hmm.
Jim: I didn't sign anything.
Roy: Hey baby.
Pam: Hey.
Roy: [to Jim] Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend.
Pam: Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh? [to Roy] Let's get you into a tub.
Roy: Yeah? Let's get you into a tub.
 
Michael: Hey, what a game, huh? What a game.
Oscar: What time do we have to come in?
Michael: Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend.
 
Michael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Michael: [slams palms on desk] Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.
Pam: New pants?
Michael: Uh, yes. Thank you for noticing.
Pam: Abercrombie & Fitch?
Michael: Uh, they look that good? Wow. [Mike Myers voice] Oh, Pam please behave. Mike Myers, genius. Um, no actually I got them at a fancier place. Target.
Dwight: Michael, could I talk to you for a second, please?
Michael: Uh...
Dwight: In your office? [in Michael's office] You know that is why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael: Yes, yes. Assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: [to camera] Same thing.
Michael: No, it's not. It's lower.
Dwight: It's close.
Michael: What was that?
Dwight: What?
Michael: That look?
Dwight: What look?
Michael: Like trying to find the camera, to give the camera a look. Okay, we're done. Is that your stomach? I keep hearing somebody's stomach. [whispers] God.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Michael: So, you uh, see the Sixers game last night?
Darryl: Yeah.
Michael: [howls like a wolf] Oww whoo whoo! The Answer was on fire!
Darryl: Iverson. Yeah, always man. It's very important.
Michael: Oh, man! Man I tell ya. Iverson has maybe got me beat by like 20 pounds, 3 inches. [makes 'pop' noise with his mouth]
Roy: What? Iverson's not fat.
Michael: No, neither am I. We both look good.
 
Michael: Do I have a nickname on the court, um? Well, The Answer would be nice, but it's taken. So, uh, probably The Question. The Answer dishes to The Question. The Question back to The Answer. Answer over to The Question. The Answer, whew, [makes shooting motion] three points. The Question, whew, whew, [makes shooting motion] six points. Nothing but net. Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Kevin: I can't work Saturday.
Dwight: Please, have a seat. [Kevin sits down] Okay, why not?
Kevin: I'm in a band.
Dwight: Marching or garage?
Kevin: It's a Steve Miller Tribute Band.
Dwight: I tell you what. You give me a tape of your band and a tape of the Steve Miller Band and I'll get back to you. That is all.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Todd Packer: [on the phone] Mello.
Michael: Packer. Pac-man.
Packer: Whoa. Hey.
Michael: Pac-man [imitating the noises of the video game Pac-man eating dots]
Todd Packer: [on the phone] Is this Michael Scott? My secret lover. My intercom, I told you never to call me here. Never! [Michael's laughing]
Michael: I'm not your lover! I'm am not Michael Scott, I am Dr. Bergerstein. Your proctologist.
Todd Packer: [on the phone] Bergerstein!
Michael: Ah, yes. Ah. [laughs]
Todd Packer: [on the phone] Bergerstein!
Michael: It's not a Jewish joke, so don't worry.
Todd Packer: [on the phone] I want my money back you greedy Hebrew. Bergerstein!
Michael: [clears throat] No, hey, hey , hey. You know what I just wanted to remind you about the game today. One 'o clock. Big game, big game.
Todd Packer: [sounds sick on the phone] I can't make it.
Michael: Mmm. No, you said you could man. We're counting on ya. You know you're playing point guard.
Todd Packer: [on the phone] I... I'm not coming.
Michael: No. Hey... I mean, although it's just for fun, you know we want... I was counting on you man. 
Todd Packer: [on the phone] Oh, God! Stop whining. You know, you only come to the pick up game once a year. You little bitch. [Michael picks up phone, takes it off speakerphone] All right, yup. Hey, okay. No problem, you know, best you can do. Hey, you know. Hey, nice talking to you too. All right take care. [sighs] Michael Scoot. That's funny. He's a good friend.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Dwight: [eating Tootsie Rolls from Angela's candy on her desk] Mmm. Good. Mmm.
Angela: They're one per person. [points to sign "Please take one!!]
Dwight: Would you like to have a vacation this year? That's what I thought. [continues eating Tootsie Rolls] Mmm, delicious.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Pam: Well, I though we were saving money for the wedding, but apparently Roy thought it was more important to buy two WaveRunners. I don't really ever get to use the other WaveRunner that's supposed to be mine because his brother uses it and they race.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Dwight: Jim, you're the new schedule guy, huh?
Jim: I'm trying, yup.
Dwight: Yeah, I hear that. You know what? This little baby might come in handy.
Jim: Great, thanks.
Dwight: On one condition. You...
Jim: Forget it. It's just a dry erase board.
Dwight: Oh, no it's not. Okay, check it out.
Jim: Okay, that's insanely complicated and the first thing I'm going to do is erase it.
Dwight: No, you're not because I spent hours on it.
Jim: Well, then keep it.
Dwight: Okay, I will. Okay, fine. You'll be back.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Michael: [misses a free throw badly] I... I think you can play. Like you could when you were a kid. I think you can never give up the play. Because if people stop playing, then they stop living. It's like a shark. If a shark stops playing he stops living. And sharks are very playful creatures.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Angela: [Dwight holds the first aid kit up] I'm the safety officer, not you.
Dwight: Isn't that crazy? I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Lackawanna County says that it's okay for me to perform CPR, but for Michael my lips aren't qualified enough for his perfect little face. It's nuts.
Angela: Is that really necessary?
Dwight: [wearing a face guard] I've almost had my nose broken a dozen times.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Michael: You know what. I think most basketball movies are great movies. Because it's a great subject. There's one about a little kid who, um, joins a professional basketball team and he's really, really good and he can dunk and he's like 3 feet tall. And he can dunk the ball. That, oh, I love that movie. That movie kind of, that movie makes me cry. I don't like to cry on camera, but that movie makes me cry. Um, because it touches a cord in me about hoops. [Michael's free throw is really short] Short, short, short! And basketball is like jazz, you know. To like pertipify it there's a jazz musician, a guy, you know... if you know jazz you know who I mean. He's uh, God what was his name? Um, he plays one of those curly horns, like those really shiny curly horns that's used in jazz a lot. 
 
Warehouse Worker: [back to the basketball game] Let's go Lonny.
Jim: [Michael steals the ball] Yeah, Michael. Go Michael. [makes shot]
Dwight: Yes!
 
Michael: Birdie. He's not the guy with the cheeks. Kenny G. Is... if you knew jazz, you'd know who I mean. Kenny G. God. Glad I remembered that. Jazz people know who he is.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Michael: [back to the basketball game] Dwight, pass it to Jim! Pass it to Ryan!
Stanley: Oh, my ankle!
Michael: Stanley, gotta play hurt.
Stanley: Oh, actually no I don't Michael.
Michael: I just want you know, you've been a big disappointment to me today, okay.
Stanley: [in pain] Oh. Go away.
Michael: I'm in. I'm in. Here we go. [Lonny gets around Michael to score and he ends up in front of Phyllis] Zone, Phyllis! We're playing zone! 
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
[Kevin makes seven straight shots from the free throw line]
 
Deleted Scene 13
 
Everybody: [Michael hits a half court shot] Ah! [clapping]
Michael: Yes! Yes! All right. We got game!

Jan: Are you listening to me Michael?
Michael: Affirmative.
Jan: What did I just say?
Michael: You just said, let me uh... check my notes. You just said... 
Jan: Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales. 
Michael: Hey, hey how is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates! 
Jan: I'm not going to do that Michael. 
Michael: Okay
Jan: We've created an incentive program to increase sales. 
Michael: Uh, huh. 
Jan: At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars. 
Michael: Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize? 
Jan: Uh, yes. Yes you can. 
Michael: Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that've been promoted to...
Jan: No, Michael. No. You can't win this prize. 
Michael: I didn't mean me! 
 
Michael: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else. 
Dwight: Sex. 
Michael: It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing. 
Dwight: Torture.
Michael: Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That's just stupid. 
Pam: Uh, Michael? 
Michael: Pam! 
Pam: Hey, there's a...
Michael: Burger with cheese! 
Pam: There's a person here...
Michael: And fries! 
Pam: There's...
Michael: And shake! What? Go ahead. 
Pam: There's a person here who wants to sell handbags. 
Michael: No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction. 
Pam: Okay, I told her you'd talk to her. 
Michael: Pam. Pam. Come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away. 
Pam: Okay. 
Michael: [exhales loudly, looks out window and sees Katy] Oooh, alright I'll talk to her. 
 
Katy: This one is hand embroidered. 
Michael: All right girls break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse. 
Dwight: Cocks in the henhouse. 
Michael: Don't say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass? 
Katy: Katy. 
Michael: Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0. 
[Pam looks embarassed at Michael - Katy looks sympathetically at Pam]
Michael: Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I'm against violence in the workplace. 
Dwight: So am I. 
Michael: Nobody cares what you think. 
Dwight: Doesn't matter. 
Michael: So uh, you know what? I usually don't allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It's yours. All day. 
Katy: Wow, thanks. 
Pam: There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30. 
Michael: Well, lets put 'em in the hallway. Give 'em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman. 
 
Michael: I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating. 
 
Michael: This is my conference room. So please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. [knocks on wall] used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So, that's where I will be. 
[Katy unpacks her handbags]
Michael: So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don't hesitate to ask. I'm right here. 
Katy: I guess a cup of coffee would be great. 
Michael: Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the 'bucks. 
Katy: What? 
Michael: It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don't have the good stuff here. 
Katy: Regular coffee is fine. 
Michael: Nah, it's not. it's spppplllibbb
Katy: No really it is. 
Michael: No, here's the thing. Y'know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down, just breakin' down barriers, that's what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded? 
Katy: Bring it on. 
Michael: Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right. 
 
Kevin: So are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around?
Pam: No. 
Kevin: She's prettier than you though. 
Pam: That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin. 
Kevin: [nods]	
 
Katy: So do you like the periwinkle and the purples?
 
Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies. 
 
Michael: [handing Katy a mug of coffee] There ya go. Nice steaming cup o'joe. 
Katy: Thank you. 
Michael: I have an idea. Why don't I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right? 
Katy: Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um...
Michael: Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please? 
Ryan: I'm installing File Share on all the computers. 
Michael: Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right? 
 
Michael: You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. So here's Oscar. Oscar, this is Katy. 
Oscar: I'm on the phone. 
Michael: Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that. 
Katy: That was on Sesame Street. 
Michael: I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here? 
Katy: No, I don't believe that. 
Michael: I know, it's unbelievable. 
 
Pam: It's nice having Katy around. It's another person for Michael to um, interact with. 
 
Michael: Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby. 
Katy: Hi
Toby: Hi, nice to meet you. 
Michael: Toby, Katy. 
Toby: Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O'Hara? 
Katy: Yeah. 
Toby: Yeah, me too. 
Katy: Cool. What year were you there? 
Toby: Eighty-nine. 
Michael: Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right? 
Toby: Yeah. 
Michael: You and your wife, and you have kids. 
Toby: A girl. 
Michael: Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too? 
Toby: [looks resigned]
Katy: I should probably get back to my table. 
Michael: Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby's desk] Oh, she's cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work. 
 
Michael: I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike. 
 
Roy: Hey, Jimmy what do you think of that little purse girl, huh? 
Jim: Cute, sure, yeah. 
Roy: Why don't you get on that? 
Jim: She's not really my type. 
Roy: What are you gay? 
Jim: Hmmm, I don't think so. Nope. 
Kevin: What is your type? 
Jim: [glances at Pam] Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really. 
Roy: That's disgusting. 
Kevin: Stay away from my mom. 
Jim: Too late, Kev. 
Roy: [Katy walks through breakroom] Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam. 
Pam: We're not dating, we're engaged. 
Roy: Engaged, yeah. 
 
Jim: Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work, or uh, her fiance Roy. Or uh... Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems.
 
Jim: She'd be perfect for you. 
Dwight: Hmmm... she's been talking to Michael a lot. 
Jim: So, what? You're Assistant Regional Manager. 
Dwight: Assistant to the Regional Manager. 
Jim: Well, you know what Dwight? He's your work boss, okay? He is not your relationship boss. 
Dwight: That's true. 
Jim: Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about, You're both um, salesmen. I mean that's something right there. 
Dwight: True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name. 
Jim: It's all gold. 
 
Katy: Guys are usually my best customers, they buy the high end stuff like the beads and the sequins and stuff. For gifts, you know? They don't know what they are looking at. So I make suggestions.
 
Jim: Alright. Here's the thing okay, you just keep talking to her. If you hit a stall you have a perfect fall back. 
Dwight: What's that?
Jim: You buy a purse. 
Dwight: I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls. 
Jim: Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ? 
Dwight: No.
Jim: Okay, I do. There like mini briefcases, alright? Lots of guys have them. 
Dwight: Like those? 
Jim: Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her. 
Dwight: Okay, I'm just going to use the bathroom, and then I'm going... 
Jim: No. You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go. 
 
Jim: Okay, shhhh stop... stop whatever you're doing because this is going to be good. 
Pam: [smiles]
Jim: [mimicing Dwight in high-falsetto voice] Hi my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord, look at these purses! This is something special. Oh my God is this Salvatore Di-chini-asta? 
Pam: [mimicing Katy] Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that.
Jim: Yes, well I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens. 
Pam: Oh! 
Jim: Oh! That was really. [Dwight hits purse against table] This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh... This is the prettiest one of all. 
Pam: Oh...
Jim: I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much? 
Pam: Oh, God. It's sad. It's so sad. 
Jim: [whispering] Here he comes, shhh...
Jim: [gives Dwight a thumbs-up - mouths the word] Good. 
Pam: [smiles in agreement]
Jim: He did pick a good one. 
Pam: You're horrible. 
 
Katy: This one's really good for a hot date. 
Pam: Yeah, what's that? 
Katy: [laughs]
Pam: I'm engaged. So...
Katy: Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone. 
Pam: I wished, right? 
Michael: Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right? [to Katy] So how's that uh, coffee from earlier?
Katy: Good. 
Michael: Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys? 
[Pam sheepishly hands Katy the purse and leaves]
Katy: [whispers] Sorry.
Michael: Busted. 
Katy: [to Pam] Come back...
Michael: Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something. I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones. 
Katy: Is that from Starbucks? 
Michael: Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers. 
Katy: Wow. Is that for the office? 
Michael: Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!
Katy: I wouldn't think of it.
 
Michael: Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper! 
 
Michael: [Katy reading text message on her phone] Oh the rotating um, steam wand. [Katy looks annoyed] What? What's the matter? 
Katy: Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me. 
Michael: Oh, oh! God. I'm sorry. Is there...? 
Katy: Oh no, it's um...
Michael: Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride.
Katy: No...
Michael: Seriously. No, really. 
Katy: No. I really don't want to inconvenience you. 
Michael: God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I'm out of here at five sharp. 
Katy: At five? 
Michael: I can go earlier. 'Cause I'm the boss. You know, whatever. I'm out of here slaves. 
Katy: Okay. 
Michael: What?
Katy: Okay, I guess that would be, I guess that would be okay. 
Michael: Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five o'clock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home. 
Katy: Okay. Cool. 
Michael: Excellent. 
Katy: Cool. 
Michael: Great. Cool. Cool. [takes deep breath - looks at camera] Yeah, okay. 
 
Michael: I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So..
Dwight: It's actually better this way. 
Michael: No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto--- 
Dwight: Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it's against the rules and everything. Because...
Michael: No, no, no it's not against the rules. She's not a permanent employee so it's not. 
Dwight: Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much. 
Michael: But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later. 
Dwight: What?
Michael: She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home. 
Dwight: Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab? 
Michael: Well, might be a ride home. Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot...
Dwight: Please. Please, I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home? 
Michael: No. I cannot promise you that. 
Dwight: You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me? 
Michael: Listen, Dwight. 
Dwight: Do you love her? 
Michael: [laughs] Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I don't know how I feel. [Dwight sadly looks away]
 
Katy: I think you've made a really good choice, she's really going to like that. 
Stanley: Hmmm...
Michael: Espresso?
Katy: Oh, thank you. 
Michael: You're welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm.
Stanley: Is that from the machine that was in your office? 
Michael: Ummm-hmmm...
Stanley: I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson. 
Michael: Very easy to clean. 
[Stanley walks out]
Michael: Okay. Like he's going to win anyway, right? [laughs]
 
Michael: Did we get any mail? 
Pam: Yeah, I gave it to you.
Michael: Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin'. Just checkin', double checkin', checkin' on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and...
Pam: So, can I..? [points to the door]
Michael: Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?
 
Jim: A futon? 
Pam: [nods]
Jim: He's a grown man 
Pam: That's what he said. 
Jim: That's sad. Or it's innovative. Well, you know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one. [Jim sees Roy and trails off]
Roy: What's up?
Pam: [not looking at Roy] Hi. 
Roy: Are you still mad at me? 
Pam: Roy...
Roy: Come on [begins to tickle Pam]
Pam: Cut it out.
Roy: Come on, you mad at me? 
Pam: Stop it. [laughing]
Roy: Are you still mad at me now? 
Pam: [giggling] Cut it out. 
Roy: Are you mad at me now? 
Pam: Stop. [giggling] 
Roy: Huh? huh? Come on... Come on, Pammy I was just kidding. 
Pam: [breathless] Stop, I can't breathe. 
Roy: I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it. I can't...
 
Pam: Jim is a great guy. He's like a brother to me. We're like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone. 
 
Katy: You seem to like to touch things. Did you try the velvet? 
Angela: I don't like to necessarily touch things. I'm just... I'm shopping. 
Katy: Oh no, it's fine that you, um. Here, what about the raspberry one? It's really uh, kind of festive. It's got a lot of personality. 
Angela: Yeah, uh no. 
Dwight: Hey, how's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private? 
Katy: I don't think so I'm really busy. 
Dwight: It will just take a second.
Katy: I can't. 
Dwight: Just for a minute. 
Katy: I really can't. 
Dwight: Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date. 
Katy: No. 
Dwight: Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date? 
Katy: Both. 
[Dejected, Dwight walks out slowly]
Katy: What colors do you like? 
Angela: Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal. 
 
Michael: Ryan.
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: Would you like to help me with a special project? 
Ryan: I would love to. 
Michael: Alright. 
 
Michael: [in Michael's car] Okay, just throw out all the empties.
Ryan: You don't want to recycle them? 
Michael: Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin. 
Ryan: Do you want this? [holding a full bottle of water]
Michael: No. 
Ryan: What about this bottle of power drink? 
Michael: Uh, what flavor? 
Ryan: Blue. 
Michael: Blue's not a flavor. 
Ryan: It says flavor: Blue Blast. 
Michael: Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you. 
 
Jim: Hi. 
Katy: Hi. 
Jim: I'm Jim, by the way. 
Katy: I'm Katy. 
Jim: Hi Katy, nice to meet you. 
Katy: You sit out there, don't you? 
Jim: I do. That's what I'm best known for. Sitting out there. Alright, let's talk about purses. 
Katy: Okay, um...
Jim: Katy but you know what, don't try to sell me one. Okay, seriously 'cause I'm just here to learn. 
Katy: Okay. [laughs] 
Jim: Okay, so I know about most of these, but you know you can... 
Katy: Okay. 
 
Michael: What, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir. 
Ryan: No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept. 
Michael: No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here. Give it. 
Ryan: Well, it's empty. 
Michael: Not it's not, there's some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out. 
Ryan: Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? 
Michael: That's over several months, Ryan. 
Ryan: [Under his breath] Still. 
 
Jim: What's up? 
Pam: I'm bored. 
Jim: Thank you for choosing me. 
Pam: No, I'm kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend? 
Jim: Ah, well I think I'm gonna see Katy. 
Pam: Really? 
Jim: Yeah. 
Pam: What are you guys going to do? 
Jim: Oh, man I don't know. Uh, dinner, drinks, movie, matching tattoos.
Pam: That's great.
Jim: And stuff... yeah. 
Pam: That's cool.
Jim: What are you doing? 
Pam: I, I was gonna say, I think that um, we're gonna help Roy's cousin move.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: 'Cause Roy's got a truck.
Jim: That's cool.
Pam: Uh, huh. Yes.
Jim: That is cool. Well, I'll see you Monday though, right? 
Pam: Great. 
Jim: Okay. 
Pam: Okay, I'm gonna head back. 
Jim: Alright. 
 
Michael: I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. [laughs] I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right? I don't know. 
 
Michael: Sure you don't want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem.
Katy: Goodnight, it was nice nice to meet some of you. 
Michael: See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim. 
Jim: Goodnight, Michael. 
Michael: Where you going? 
Jim: I don't know. Grab a drink, I think? 
Michael: With us? 
Katy: I uh, I probably should have told you, I don't need a ride now 'cause Jim can take me home after so you're off the hook. 
Michael: Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool.
Jim: I got this. [taking Katy's bag from Michael]
Michael: Alright, have fun.
Katy: Thanks.
Jim: I got it.
Michael: Don't drink and drive.
Michael: Take it easy. 
Jim: Have a good night. 
Michael: You too, have a good night. 
Katy: You got that? 
Jim: Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it's lighter. 
Katy: Good. Here. Squeeze it inside.
Jim: Alright now, I'm gonna warn you. Don't freak out, okay? 
Katy: Why?
Jim: This is a really nice car. In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay. 
Katy: It's a... it's a very nice car. 
Jim: You're not going to freak out? 
 
Michael: Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning. 
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Dwight: The perfect girl for me would be Konikotaka. She has the most amazing story. She was orphaned at age 10 when both her parents were assassinated, and she was taken in by a wealthy, but very cruel, businessman. So she practiced aikido in secret for years until she could avenge the death of her parents. She's also a survivor of monster rape.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Dwight: This is really well made. Good stitching. Excellent fabric. [shakes the purse from side to side by it's handle] You sell a lot of these?
Katy: It's very popular, yeah.
Dwight: I knew it. Is it waterproof?
Katy: I'm not sure. It's faux snakeskin.
Dwight: Snakes are waterproof. So, I'm betting that it's waterproof. Do you know the difference between a snake and an eel?
Katy: No.
Dwight: 'Cause I could look it up real easily.
Katy: You're really into reptiles, huh?
Dwight: My belt's made out of alligator. Check it out. [lifts shirt]
Katy: Oh, um, it's okay.
Michael: Dwight. Dwight. Dwight! Okay, that's it. Keep it in your pants.
Dwight: I was just showing her my belt.
Michael: Well, don't do that. Where are your glasses?
Dwight: I....
Michael: He wears glasses. Did you know that?
Dwight: Not all the time.
Michael: Well, now suddenly he can see. [laughs] Okay, take off. See ya. Bye-bye. [gives coffee to Katy] There you go steaming hot cup of joe.
Katy: Thank you.
Michael: Oh, I know your hero. Yeah, saving you from Animal Planet Jack over there. [laughs]
Katy: Ha. Yeah, asks a lot of questions.
Michael: Yeah, yeah he is the worst.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Michael: What's the um, saying, "once their laughing they're... that's... Once they're laughing that's 50 percent of them being horizontal. So, not that I'm just... Not that that's my... that's what I'm trying to do, but I think it helps kind of melts the ice. Breaks the ice, melts... Breaks the ice and melts them. Melts their hearts.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: Thank you, Al Gore... for the Internet. Can send messages from one side the global to the other in the blink of an eye. Can you believe we couldn't do that ten years ago?
Katy: We could do that ten years ago.
Michael: Right, but 20 years ago we couldn't and that is amazing. Here's Toby from Human Resources. This is Katy. Toby, Katy.
Toby: Hi.
Katy: Hi.
Toby: Hey, did you go to Bishop Ohara?
Katy: Yeah.
Toby: Yeah, me too.
Katy: Cool, what year where you there?
Toby: '89.
Katy: Oh.
Michael: [talking over Toby and Katy] Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right? That'll damage ya. Sorry man. That's uh, that's a bad one. How much you paying her? What can, you can't even afford anything now, right? You're all right though, right? Don't ask me for a raise. [laughs] Cup of Soup's a good idea though. That'll... that's a good budgetary thing to do.
Toby: It's just a snack.
Michael: Well, they're good snacks. They're good food, good meals, good lunch. Roman noodles are good too. You still sleepin' in the car?
Toby: No.
Michael: 'Cause he slept in the car a couple times.
Toby: Just the once.
Michael: Are you still taking the antidepressants? 'Cause it was a good idea. 'Cause it'll help. It'll help, man.
Katy: I'm gonna go back to my table.
Michael: Okay. I'll see you in a bit. [whispering] She's pretty cute isn't she? See you in a bit.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Ryan: I mean whatever one you want.
Kelly: Um, I like that one I think. [Ryan hands her a purse]
Ryan: Yeah, I mean, it looks real good, probably.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Pam: You know Michael's been talking to her too.
Jim: Oh, really?
Pam: What do you think his chances are?
Jim: Well, Pam I'm not gonna lie to you, he's chances are none. Um, he's 41 years old, he is losing his hair and his cell phone ring is "Mambo #5." So...
Pam: [laughs] I like that song.
Jim: I don't know though. I mean, you know that was a hit.
Pam: [laughs] 10 years ago.
Jim: Yeah, was it 10? Yeah, I have it on a mix tape from junior high.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Jim: Went well?
Dwight: I think it did.
Jim: You know what, just in case she's looking you should put some stuff in it.
Dwight: Seriously?
Jim: Anything. [Dwight begins to fill his new purse] Good. Yup.
Dwight: What else?
Jim: Post-it Notes. Wow, that purse holds a lot.
Dwight: It's a mini-briefcase.
Jim: Yeah, oh, I know. Looks great. [Dwight throws the purse over his right shoulder and gets back to work]
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Kevin: Do you like Steve Miller?
Katy: No.
Kevin: 'Cause I'm in a Steve Miller Tribute... Tribute Band.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Jim: Hey, Dwight. I need your stapler.
Dwight: It's in my purse.
Jim: Oh, great thanks.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Dwight: Let me describe the perfect date. I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her. Uh, now he wants to fight. So I grab him. I throw him into a jukebox. Then the other ninja's got a knife. He comes at me. We grapple. I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now, I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss. I hear something in the leaves. I flip her around. She gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time. But, I knew.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Michael: All right. That's looking good. Hey um, Ryan do you have any music I can borrow.
Ryan: What kind do you like?
Michael: Ah, I know, everything really. I love it all. I love music.
Ryan: Okay, do you like hip-hop? Do you like indie rock? 
Michael: Yes, I love both of those so much. A lot of 'em.
Ryan: Okay. Do you like The Strokes?
Michael: Mmm hmm. I like 'em.
Ryan: Do you like The Hives?
Michael: Yes. God. They're awesome.
Ryan: You like the Fleebulls, The Glorps?
Michael: Uh huh. Yup. That last thing they did was great.
Ryan: Yeah, I had a feeling you would like those.
Michael: Cool, so maybe hook me up with some Fleebulls and some Hive.
Ryan: Absolutely.
Michael: All right. This is gonna be good.
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
Dwight: Hi, here you can have this. [Dwight gives Kelly his purse] It's a mini-briefcase, but you can use it as a purse.
Kelly: Uh, thank you.

Michael: Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So...
 
Jim: So, you ready for the... the Dundies?
Pam: Ugh...
 
Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
 
Michael: [in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert.
Jim: What?
Michael: [in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert.
 
Michael: So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera?
Jim: Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky. 
Michael: Oh, that's a good idea.
Dwight: Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.
Michael: Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends. 
 
Michael: T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say "Don't go there" but that's... lame.
 
Michael: And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling.
Stanley: I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out.
Michael: Oh, no you di-int.
Stanley: I think I did.
Michael: W-why did you...
Stanley: Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember?
Michael: Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them.
 
Michael: [in video] To Oscar Martinez it's the "Show Me the Money" award! Yeah!
 
Pam: Michael has taped every Dundies awards and now, he's making me look through hours of footage to find highlights.
 
Oscar: [in video] That's supposed to be confidential.
Michael: [in video] He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight!
[Dwight starts playing the tune of "Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega on his recorder]
Michael: [singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing...
[Somebody sits in front of the camera on the video, so even though nothing can be seen, Michael can still be heard]
Michael: [in video]...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere...
Pam: Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great.
Michael: [on video] ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of...
 
Kelly: It was you.
Phyllis: Live and learn.
Pam: [quietly laughing] It wasn't. I swear.
Kelly: Yeah, it was.
 
Dwight: So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either.
Pam: We're not laughing at you, Dwight.
Dwight: So who are we laughing at?
Pam: Um, just something somebody wrote.
Dwight: Who? Dave Barry?
Kelly: [laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall.
Dwight: What is it? Who wrote it?
Pam: Um, it's kind of private.
Phyllis: [whispering] It's about Michael.
Dwight: That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.
Pam: Okay, now I'm laughing at you.
 
Michael: [talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?
Jan: [on speaker phone] It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael.
Michael: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.
Jan: No.
Michael: Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So...
Jan: No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this.
Michael: Um...
[Michael looks at the camera and motions for the camera to leave the office]
Michael: [to camera] Could you...?
Jan: Are you there Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that.
[Michael closes the blinds]
[The camera tries to find a crack in the blinds]
Michael: Um, what, ah, what is, I mean...
[The camera pans around to reception, Pam is listening]
Michael: ...come on, Jan!
[The camera goes to a side of Michael's office where the blinds are still partially open]
Michael: You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here.
Jan: Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?
Michael: Well, yeah, I mean, what is...
Jan: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
Michael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...
Jan: And you had a luau....
Michael: ...it happens once every billion years.
Jan: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Jan: Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense.
Michael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.
 
Michael: This is a little character I like to do [places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head], it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. [puts an envelope to his head] Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] "Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin." Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk.
 
[Phyllis catches Dwight trying to sneak into the girls bathroom]
Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here!!
[The door swings open and Dwight is being pushed out by Phyllis]
Dwight: No, no, no, no...
Phyllis: What were you doing in the ladies room?!
Dwight: ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think.
Phyllis: Why were you peering over the stalls?!
Dwight: No, why were you in there?!
Phyllis: You are a pervert!
Dwight: What were you doing in there?
Phyllis: You, are, a pervert!
Dwight: I am not.
 
Michael: [in video] The Dundie award for "Longest Engagement" goes to Pam Beesley.
Michael: Pam, everybody! [starts clapping]
[Pam just sits there stirring her drink, rolls her eyes and glances over at Jim]
[Jim, at the adjacent table, crosses his arms and glances over at Pam, both look annoyed]
Michael: Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting.
Roy: [on video] Yes.
Michael: [on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf?
Roy: [on video] Ah, w-we'll see you next year.
Michael: [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!
 
Michael: I'm not changing that, it's the best one.
Jim: No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, "world's longest engagement", um, we're all expecting it, you know?
Michael: That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier.
Jim: Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy.
Michael: Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh.
 
Dwight: Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.
 
Pam: You're taking away our bathroom?
Dwight: We are going to have two men's rooms.
Phyllis: But where would we...go?
Dwight: Be prepared to hold folks [Michael comes out of his office] From 9 am to...
Pam: Michael...
Michael: Yes.
Pam: ...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom.
Michael: Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now.
Dwight: Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions...
Michael: Just don't, don't talk-
Dwight: ...for people's behavior.
Michael: Don't talk-
Dwight: And it's-
Michael: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!
 
Michael: Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us.
Dwight: [with a small fist pump] Yes!
Michael: Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever.
Dwight: [clapping] Best Dundies ever.
 
Dwight: Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards.
[Quick cut to everybody talking and ignoring Dwight]
Dwight: Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. [points] Devon!
 
Michael: "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello." [to Ryan] Card!
 
Oscar: The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like.
 
Michael: "You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-"
[The music stops, Michael looks back at Dwight]
Dwight: The waitress tripped on the cord.
Michael: Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!
 
Kevin: [to waitress] Oh, just put these on the group tab.
Michael: Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks.
Stanley: You said, we could bring our families.
Michael: I did. And why didn't ya Stanley?
Stanley: I did, my wife's name is Terri.
Michael: Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri.
Stanley: It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael.
[Michael is dumbfounded, Dwight pushes a button on his keyboard that says, "OHHH, YEAHHHH."]
 
Michael: [to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight.
Dwight: Really? We don't have any girls from HR.
Michael: No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy.
Dwight: Yeah?
Michael: And I was about to take her bra off...
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: ...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-
Dwight: Like an AIDS test?
Michael: No! [under his breath] God.
 
Michael: [clears throat] Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted.
 
Darryl: Hey let's go to Poor Richard's.
Roy: Yeah, let's get out of here.
Pam: Um...
 
Michael: Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started.
Pam: Sorry.
 
Ryan: You staying?
Jim: Yeah, gotta eat somewhere.
 
Michael: And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts...
Michael: ...the "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin.
[Everybody starts clapping, Phyllis gets out of her booth and makes her way to Michael, she gives Jim a high five along the way]
Michael: Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual.
Phyllis: This says "Bushiest Beaver".
Michael: What? I told them busiest...idiots.
Phyllis: It's, it's fine.
Michael: Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that.
 
[Pam and Roy are at the truck, arguing.]
Pam: ...because that's what happens every time!
Roy: ...talking about? He's a jackass every year.
Pam: No.
Roy: [Put's his hand on Pam's arm] Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's.
Pam: [Breaks Roy's grip] No, I don't want to go, I don't want to.
Roy: Pam. Go.
Pam: If you would have asked me that, then you would know.
 
[Michael has false teeth in and glasses with squinted eyes on them]
Michael: [in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.
 
Jim: Hey! How are ya? I thought you left?
Pam: Oh no, I just, I decided to stay.
Jim: Oh!
Pam: I'll just get a ride home from Angela.
Jim: Oh.
 
Pam: Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: [doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny.
[The camera zooms to an Asian customer behind Michael, she is looking at Michael in disbelief]
Michael: Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout.
 
Pam: [to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim's beer] Can I get a drink?
 
Michael: This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office.
[Cut to Pam still drinking the beer]
Michael: Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in the Office" award goes to... ...Ryan the temp!
Michael: Yeah. [singing to music] "Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you." Here you go.
 
Ryan: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now.
 
Michael: And the "Tight Ass" award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down.
Angela: No.
 
Jim: [Pam starts sipping an empty glass] I think those might be empty.
Pam: No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! [laughs]
Jim: Second drink?
 
Michael: The "Spicy Curry" award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go.
Kelly: "Spicy Curry", what's that mean?
Michael: Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke.
Kelly: Yeah, but why'd you give it to me? 
Michael: I don't know, it's just...
Kelly: This is a bowler-
Michael: I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So...
Kelly: Yeah, but everyone else-
Michael: Just sit down Kelly.
 
Michael: [sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go.
 
Michael: [Michael is singing to the tune of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John] "You have won a tiny Dundie."
Guy at bar: Sing it Elton.
Michael: Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from?
Other Guy at Bar: We just came from yo' mama's house.
 
Michael: Oh, alright, yeah.
Guy At Bar: Sing 'em a song dude.
Michael: Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh...
Michael: [Something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really-
[The guy at the bar throws another object, looks like a wad of wet napkins, this time it hits Michael on the shoulder]
Guy At Bar: You suck man!
Michael: Let's cut it. [Dwight turns the music off]
Michael: [clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So...
Michael: [give Kevin his award]There you go.
 
Pam: Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom.
Jim: [starts clapping] Yeah, alright Kev.
[More people start clapping]
Pam: Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet!
Jim: Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going.
Pam: More Dundies!
Pam and Jim: [clapping] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!
Everybody: Dundies! Dundies!
Michael: [getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year.
Pam: Fine work! Fine work Stanley!
Michael: You know you did.
 
Pam: Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [other people start joining in]
Stanley: Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't...
[Pam starts laughing her cute drunk laugh]
Stanley: So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. [starts chuckling]
 
Michael: And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley...
[Cut to Pam, her face goes from drunken elation to sober realization]
Michael: ...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year.
[Cut to Jim's reaction of scared expectation]
Michael: It is the "Whitest Sneakers" award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!
 
Michael: Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! [Pam grabs the microphone from him] Oh, here we go.
Pam: I have so many people to thank for this award. 
[Quick cut to Jim laughing and staring at Pam with amused wonder]
Pam: Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too.
[Dwight stands up, but nobody claps]
Pam: Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie.
[Quick cut to Jim, he's doesn't know whether to laugh or take her seriously, so he gives her an amused/appreciative grin]
Pam: And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!
Michael: Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you.
 
Jim: What a great year for the Dundies.
 
Jim: We got to see Ping. [Pam nods] And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. [Pam nods] Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. [Pam nods] Which for me, has ruined them for life. [looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding]
[Jim looks at the camera, then back at Pam, who is still nodding]
Jim: What?
Pam: Nothing.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: What?
Jim: I don't know, what?
[Pam starts laughing, then suddenly falls off the bar stool]
Jim: Oh my God! You are so drunk!
 
Jim: Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on.
Dwight: Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy.
Jim: He's a volunteer.
Dwight: Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-
Jim: Dwight come on, come-
Dwight: It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt.
[Dwight starts taking off his shirt, but gets stuck]
Pam: Dwight, get off me!
[A Chili's employee comes over, Jim helps Pam up, Dwight is stuck in his shirt]
Employee: I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat.
Dwight: [struggling] Ahh! I can't-
 
Michael: Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost. 
 
Pam: Oh my God!
Jim: Whoa.
Pam: I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jim: Whoa.
Jim: Whoa, careful, careful.
 
Chili's Employee: We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again. 
 
Michael: Great work tonight.
Dwight: Watch your step.
Michael: Excellent.
Dwight: Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion.
Michael: Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work.
 
Pam: I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall.
Jim: No you don't.
 
Jim: Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there.
Pam: Hey, um, can I ask you a question?
Jim: Shoot.
[Pam stares at Jim for a little while, then glances at the camera, realizes she's on camera]
Pam: Um, I just wanted to say thanks.
Jim: Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk.
[Jim opens the door for her]
Jim: Alright.
Pam: Bye.
Jim: Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Michael: TMI. Too much information. I used to say, "Don't go there," but that is so lame now. Or, "You go, girl." Or... Um, when did "Where's the beef?" That was, like, a long, long time ago. It's funny how the shelf life of these things, like how long they last, like, "Too much information" probably came on the scene... I mean, I didn't hear it till, like, this month, so it's pretty recently. Um, but you know, they're generally good for, like, no more than five or six years.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Toby: Yes, that's true. I have never won a Dundie. I am more than okay with that.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Kelly: I think I'm gonna share some Cadillac Fajitas with Toby. Toby is so cute, except he has that stupid kid.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Angela: Yes, I'm the designated driver, which is very important. We need everyone to get home safely. [sighs] But no one ever gives me gas money, and people live all over. It's expensive.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Dwight: [scoffs] Like a gaggle of geese... [jibbering mockingly]
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Michael: All right, we need something for Kevin.
Jim: Mmm-hmmm.
Michael: What do we know about him? He's an accountant.
Jim: He plays guitar, he likes naval history. He's a bowler.
Michael: [talking over Jim] He's fat. The fat accountant award.
Jim: Well, you seem to have this under control.
 
Jim: The weird part about this whole deal this that Michael truly believes that these awards are inspiring and motivational. I mean, he puts more effort and time and commitment into the Dundies than anything else he does all year. Which is probably why this branch will be downsized.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Michael: I am the fat accountant.
Dwight: Michael, I need to talk to you.
Michael: Here he is.
Dwight: I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies' room wall.
Michael: Really? What did they say? "For a good time, call Michael Scott"?
Jim: Good one.
Dwight: Uh, no, no. No, I think something bad, maybe.
Michael: Why do you think that? You just immediately go to that, Dwight? Why are you so negative? Why...
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: I mean, you just come in and you're just negative...
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: ...and you just walk negatively.
Michael: Do you want me to find out what it says?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: By any means necessary?
Michael: What does that even mean? What are you... What are you talking about?
Dwight: It's the ladies' room.
Michael: Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don't tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy.
Michael: Thank you. You won't regret this, Michael.
Jim: What award would you like to give Dwight?
Michael: I hadn't planned on including him.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Kevin.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Dwight: It hasn't always been easy being a whistleblower. When I was in school, the kids would call me a tattle-tale or a snitch or a worm. So I really identify with those women from Enron. I wrote them letters to tell them how much they inspired me, but they never wrote back. I guess they're all married.
 
Dwight: Angela, it's simple. Just tell me what the bathroom wall says.
Angela: I don't talk about what goes on in the restroom.
Dwight: I'm not asking what you do in there. I just want to know what's written about Michael.
Angela: I don't says those kinds of things out loud. It's inappropriate.
Dwight: Okay, I'll talk. You nod if I get it right. Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener?
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Kevin: I think his characters are pretty funny. Especially Ping.
 
Michael: Well, what should I do, guys? Seriously, do you want me to just cancel the Dundies?
Kelly: No, we were just hoping you wouldn't do those characters, like last time.
Michael: Ping? Everybody loves Ping. He's my most popular character.
Oscar: I think many people find that character slightly racist.
Michael: Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me.
Oscar: Look, I'm just saying that there are many people that are offered by your insensitive skits.
Michael: [sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what... Why do you care?
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here!
Dwight: No, no, no.
Phyllis: You can't be in here!
Dwight: It's not what you think.
Phyllis: Shut up. You're a freak!
Dwight: I'm on official business.
Phyllis: You are...
Dwight: This is Dunder Mifflin...
Phyllis: I'm telling Michael.
Dwight: No. Phyllis, you're not...
Phyllis: I'm telling Michael.
Dwight: Phyllis, no. No.
Phyllis: Michael, Michael.
Dwight: Phyllis, no, no. Do not listen to her. She's out of her mind.
Phyllis: Dwight was in the ladies' room and he was looking at me.
Michael: What?
Dwight: That is not true.
Phyllis: He was looking at me in the ladies' room.
Dwight: That's totally unfair. I was just in the ladies' room in order to spy.
Michael: Dwight, you've hit a new low here.
Phyllis: That's what I said. He was spying in the ladies' room.
Dwight: What do you think, Phyllis? You think I followed you in there? Like, "Oh good. Phyllis is going to the bathroom, so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down." I'm not even attracted to you.
Michael: That is a good point.
Phyllis: Write him up or I'll take it to Jan.
Michael: Okay, all right, I will do that. I will get to that definitely. Absolutely.
Phyllis: When?
Michael: Oh, I don't know. Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing, and hosting your awards show. All right, just relax, keep your pants on. Unless, of course, you're in the bathroom and you should be able to take your pants off in that case without Creepsville Central spying on you. Good.
Phyllis: All right.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Dwight: All right, let's wrap it up. Come on, we're late. The Dundies are starting very soon. Accounting, let's go, let's go. Okay, I gave you fair warning. [turns off their computers] Out. Who's next, customer service? Meredith, let's roll.
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
Michael: Here we go. [organizing his costumes] And that. [to waitress] Hey. How you doing?
 
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? 
Dwight: Yeah, you know me.
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?
Dwight: The Dundies!
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? You're all my homies
Dwight: You know me.
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?
Dwight: Yeah, you know me.
Michael: [singing] Yeah, all the homies
 
Michael: I have listened to that song so many times and I still don't know what OPP stands for. Other people's... Something. I... [shakes head]
 
Deleted Scene 13
 
Kevin: So, Pam, I wonder who's gonna get "longest engagement" this year.
Roy: Well. You're not goona get longest engagement, man, 'cause we got that locked up.
Kevin: I wonder what I'll get. I brought my fiance.
 
Deleted Scene 14
 
Michael: All right, our next award... ah, yes, this award goes to the most creative writing on the ladies' room wall, and the winner is... Who is it? Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundie. Who wrote it? Great idea, Dwight.
 
Deleted Scene 15
 
Toby: I'm just saying I don't think it's appropriate for you to have given Ryan that award.
Michael: He's hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it?
Toby: Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on.
Michael: [sighing] It was unanimous, Toby.
Toby: It wasn't a vote. You decided.
Michael: Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn't even about what Ryan thinks. It's about you. It's about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it.
Toby: Okay, that is not true.
Michael: Yes, it is true.
Toby: 'Cause Ryan asked me to talk to you.
Michael: Okay, I don't have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade...
 
Deleted Scene 16
 
Dwight: Excuse me, Goldschlager, extra flakes.
Waitress: We don't have that. You want a Presidente Margarita? Blue Pacific Margarita, El Nino...
Dwight: No, no. No margarita. Hot sake.
Waitress: [shakes head 'no']
Dwight: Fosters in the big can.
Waitress: [shakes head 'no' again]
Dwight: Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles.
 
Deleted Scene 17
 
Dwight: Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Lie still, lie still.
Pam: I am fine.
Jim: Dwight, this is crazy.
Pam: Okay.
Dwight: Jim, not now! We need to cushion her head. Lie still. Please, Pam. Do not move.
Jim: Dwight, Dwight.
Dwight: I'm sorry.
Pam: [laughing] I am fine.
Dwight: Jim, don't interfere.
Manager: You have to put your clothes back on. People are trying to eat.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Dwight: Can you give me a second, sir.
Manager: No!
Pam: Dwight, let me up.
Manager: Put your clothes back on. Get, get right now.
Dwight: I am a Sheriff's Deputy.
Manager: That's fine.
Dwight: I could have my men in here in a second and have you arrested.
Jim: The other volunteers.
Dwight: Pam, are you all right?
Pam: I'm fine.
Manager: Sir, sir.
Dwight: How many fingers am I holding up?
Pam: You're holding up three fingers.
Dwight: All right. Are you okay?
Manager: Put your clothes on, right now.
Dwight: I will. I will. You need to calm down.
Manager: Right now.
 
Deleted Scene 18
 
Michael: Don't wanna forget that.
Manager: You and your party really need to leave right now.
Michael: Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili's?
Manager: You know what? Don't worry about it.
Michael: Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili's Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year.
Manager: That's fine.

Michael: [clears throat] Hey, what's up?
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Any emails today?
Jim: Um... I don't think so.
Michael: No? Um... Check your spam folder.
Jim: Oh! There it is!
Michael: What?
Jim: Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.'
Michael: [laughs uncontrollably]
Jim: Well done.
Michael: Kay.
Jim: Topical.
 
Michael: I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.
 
Dwight: So the monkey does the sex thing right here! [monkey noises in background] 
Michael: That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational. 
Dwight: Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?
Michael: Um, I... 
Dwight: Consider it?
Michael: Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... [muffled by jacket over his head] Whup! Come on! Hey!
Todd Packer: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? [points at self] This guy!
Michael: Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!
Todd Packer: [makes laser gun noises]
Michael: Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.
Todd Packer: bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert? 
Michael: Uh oh.
Todd Packer: Still queer?
Michael: Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!
 
Michael: Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So... 
 
Michael: Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.
Todd Packer: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent.
Michael: Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one!
Todd Packer: We're talking blonde incompetent.
Michael: Oh, yeah.
Todd Packer: Like 10 words a minute... talking. 
Michael: Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there.
Todd Packer: They are women, right?
Michael: Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!
Todd Packer: I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.
Michael: Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.
 
Jim: Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? [points at self] This guy!
 
Todd Packer: Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?
Michael: Oh. Bad boy. [to Ryan] Um... Ryan? [makes Donald Duck noise]
Todd Packer: [to Ryan] Come on, kid. Let's go.
Michael: Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim: Except pass that breathalyzer.
 
Ryan: You a big William Hung fan?
Todd Packer: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?
 
Kevin's computer: [monkey noises]
 
Jim: I'm really excited to meet your Mom.
Pam: You are?
 
Pam: My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in.
 
Pam: I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody.
Jim: Oh yeah?
Pam: mmhmm.
Jim: Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.
Pam: Oh really?
Jim: Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?
 
Michael: Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. "Old School".
Toby: Michael?
Michael: Yes, Toby?
Toby: Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds.
Michael: Um... literally two seconds?
 
Michael: Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.
 
Toby: The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy.
Michael: No, no, Toby. No.
Toby: It's really not a big deal, Michael.
Michael: It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!
Toby: And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer... 
Michael: What?
Toby: Just to refresh you... .
Michael: NO!
Toby: on our policy. 
Michael: What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes? 
Toby: Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.
Michael: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.
 
Michael: Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. [to Toby] So, take it away.
Toby: Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later.
Michael: I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.
 
Michael: A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?" This is what's at stake.
 
Michael: Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. [to Warehouse guys] Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?
Darryl: Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?
Michael: Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day. 
Darryl: Well, [points at Michael] those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us?
Roy: Boys R Us!
Warehouse Guy: Oh!
Michael: Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense.
Darryl: Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.
Michael: Oooh, okay. That was still about me.
Roy: Hey, hey, hey. 
Michael: What?
Roy: So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad. 
Michael: I don't feel bad.
Darryl: [fake whispers to Roy] I think he feels bad.
Michael: No, I don't.
Roy: You look like you feel bad.
Michael: Okay. 
Roy: Little package!
Michael: Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.
Warehouse guy: Little package! Little package!
Michael: Thank you.
Roy: You look good.
Darryl: Hiding from his momma.
Warehouse guys: [kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds]
 
Toby: So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam?
Pam: Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today.
Kevin: MILF!
Pam: Thanks, Kevin.
 
Pam: Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.
 
Pam: She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her.
Toby: Great point.
Pam: Thank you.
Toby: Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back. 
Michael: Hi, is it over?
Toby: Uh, yes!
Michael: No.
Toby: I can go over it with you.
Michael: I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over.
Toby: It's over.
Michael: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?
Angela: Email forwards.
Michael: Exactly! Mmwwah [blows kiss to Angela]! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?
Angela: I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck.
Michael: Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?
Stanley: That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now. 
Meredith: Um... what about office romance?
Toby: Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR. 
Phyllis: All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?
Michael: I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.
Dwight: Yeah, Meredith.
Michael: No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was? 
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: She would have definitely slept with me.
Kevin: She wasn't that hot.
Michael: Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!
Toby: Ok, you know, Michael... 
 
Jim: I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it.
 
Michael: What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? [to Toby] Would that be crossing the line? 
Toby: No.
Michael: What if they made out? In front of everybody?
Toby: Well, that would be... 
Michael: At home? And I told everybody everything about it.
Toby: Okay, I'm lost.
Michael: Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam? 
 
Video: [Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace]
Michael: I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?
Jim: No, thanks. I'm good.
Michael: That's what she said. Pam?
Pam: Uh... my mother's coming.
Michael: That's what she sai [clears throat] Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself.
 
Dwight: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Toby: Sure.
Dwight: Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like? 
 
Toby: Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
 
Toby: Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that.
Dwight: Good. Good. And... 
Toby: I should get back to work.
Dwight: Okay.
 
Man in Video: In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?'
Video: [Scenario 1: The Natural Redhead]
Roy: Natural redhead.
Actor: Hey, Rach.
Redheaded Actress: Hey, Joe. Mike.
Actor: Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead?
Darryl: Oh, Mi... ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That's that girl from that thing. [pointing at Redheaded Actress] I banged this girl right here. This is... 
Roy: That's her?
Darryl: Yes, this is the one.
Roy: No!
Darryl: You remember? Yes!
Roy: At the party?
Warehouse guy: You banged her?
Darryl: Yes! [to video screen] Right here. You are a naughty girl!
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.
 
Jan: [to cell phone] Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. [to Pam] Hi.
Michael: Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.
 
Todd Packer: Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour.
Pam: I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks.
Todd Packer: Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably.
 
Michael: So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
Mr. O'Malley: I love lawyer jokes.
Michael: Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em.
 
Michael: When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.
 
Jan: You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem? 
Michael: The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything.
Jan: Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything. 
Michael: Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan.
Jan: Do you need to see the video again, Michael?
Michael: No, I've seen the video.
Toby: [to Jan] He talked the whole time.
Michael: No, I didn't. [to Jan] Huh, what? [everyone looks up at blow-up doll]
 
Michael: Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include 'That's What She Said'?
Michael: Mmmhmm. Yes.
Jim: Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so... 
Michael: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jan: Michael. MICHAEL!
Michael: [laughing] Come on.
Jan: Michael, please.
Todd Packer: There he is.
Michael: Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office]
Todd Packer: There he is. Good one.
 
Michael: You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.
Jan: Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really.
Michael: It's... That's... 
Jan: That's not my sense of humor.
Michael: Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.
Jan: Wha... 
Michael: I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.
Albiny: [to camera] And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.
Michael: This guy does it all.
Jan: [to Albiny] 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. [to Michael] Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer.
Michael: What?
Jan: Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.
Michael: So I'm not in trouble?
 
Michael: I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.
 
Michael: Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so... 
Albiny: Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here.
Michael: I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.
 
Pam's Mom: Um... hello.
Pam: [ecstatic] Oh my god!
Pam's Mom: Finally made it!
Pam: Hello!
 
Pam: I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever.
 
Pam's Mom: This is all yours?
Pam: Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area.
Pam's Mom: Oh, my goodness. That's great.
 
Todd Packer: So a guy goes home, tells his wife, "Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery." She goes, "Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?" He goes, "I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!" [men laugh] Boom!
 
Pam: This is where I used to keep my computer.
Pam's Mom: Oh, right! I remember... 
Pam: But then I moved it.
Pam's Mom: with the picture.
Pam: Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So... 
Pam's Mom: Sure.
Pam: So this is like, um, an organization station... 
Pam's Mom: [to Roy] Oooooh!
Pam: Hey!
Pam's Mom: Well, there he is!
Roy: How are ya?
Pam's Mom: Hi, handsome!
Roy: You look great!
Pam's Mom: Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner?
Pam: Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time.
Pam's Mom: Oh, I don't believe that.
Roy: Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies?
Pam's Mom: Oh, anything is fine.
Roy: All right, I'll see ya.
Pam's Mom: So which one is Jim?
Pam: Mom!
Pam's Mom: I just wanted to know.
Pam: No.
Pam's Mom: All right. Okay.
Pam: Ten minutes.
Pam's Mom: Okay.
Pam: Then we can go to dinner.
Pam's Mom: I'll make myself busy.
 
Todd Packer: There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... [points at Phyllis]
Kevin: Phyllis?
Michael: No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.
Todd Packer: Ex-squeeze me?
Michael: Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.
Kevin: Packer said it.
Michael: No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I'm the same age as you, Michael.
Michael: I don't know about that.
Phyllis: We're in the same High School class.
Michael: Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. [to Kevin] You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.
Kevin: You mean where my desk is?
Michael: Yes, your corner. Go.
Kevin: Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway.
Michael: Mmmhmmm.
Todd Packer: Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they?
Michael: They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. [to Phyllis] C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on.
Phyllis: Michael! Come on! 
Michael: Oooh!
Phyllis: You don't have to worry. I'm not going to... 
Michael: I'm not worried.
Phyllis: ...report you to HR.
Michael: You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.
 
Michael: Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
 
Pam: He said what?
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Michael: Good morning, Pam.
Pam: Good morning, Michael.
Michael: What's going on?
Pam: Nothing. You look nice today.
Michael: What?
Pam: You look real thin.
Michael: I don't get what you mean.
Pam: You just... You look good. Your shirt looks... You look real good.
Michael: Well, you said I looked thin, so what does... Does that mean I'm like thin weird or thin handsome or... [laughing]
Pam: Thin handsome, Michael.
Michael: Yes, well, of course. Of course. [laughing]
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Dwight: Wait, Jim, no! Don't drink directly from the can. Okay, I'm serious. It's all over the Internet. They use the same shipping company as a rat poison, and it gets on the can. [Jim takes a drink] Well, you're an idiot.
Jim: What can I say, Dwight, I live a very dangerous life.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Kevin: [Email chiming] [snickers] Did you see that?
Oscar: I saw it.
Kevin: You can see her...
Angela: It's fake.
Kevin: How do you know?
Angela: She wouldn't do that. She's a Senator.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: Office romance. For example, Pam and I are dating, do we have to disclose that?
Pam: We're not dating.
Michael: No, but I'm saying hypothetically if we were dating...
Pam: We're not dating, I'm engaged.
Michael: Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out.
Pam: I would say no.
Michael: You say yes, and we go out.
Pam: I would drown myself.
Michael: And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Michael: Toby actually gets alimony from his ex-wife because she makes more, so that's kind of embarrassing. Not that I'd mind, but it would never happen to me because I would make the marriage work. People seem to like him because they think he's one of us, but he's not. He's this weird loner who just tells people, "Don't do this, don't do that. Hire this person for this reason." I would complain about him, but who would I go to, to complain about Toby? Toby. Bias. And what does he do about that? Nothing. Because he's Toby. What kind of name is that? It's almost a girl's name. I think I've known more girls named Toby than guys. He just kind of makes my skin crawl a little bit. Toby is the devil. Toby's the devil.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: I know we're having that harassment thing this afternoon.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Sometimes when we IM, I send you that little winking face with the lipstick.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: Yeah. I realize that might be harassment.
Jim: Yes, it is harassment and I'm going to be suing the winking face. I've hired the angry face as my lawyer and you will be hearing from him pretty soon.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Okay. [IM chiming] [laughing]

Michael: I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast.
Ryan: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.
Michael: Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan: What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for?
Michael: Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. "Home Alone," "Risky Business." Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do.
Ryan: I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts. 
Michael: Ok. [Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs. 
 
Michael: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate.
Dwight: Diversifying. Smart.
Michael: Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.
Dwight: And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.
Michael: Maybe.
 
Jim: [looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk]
Pam: [laughs]
 
Pam: Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him. 
 
Pam: You see Dwight's coffee mug?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it. 
Jim: No way. Let's do this [crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.] Oh. 
Pam: Here.
Jim: Wind.
Pam: Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight.
Jim: Perfect. [misses]
Pam: Oh. 
Jim: Oh. 
 
Dwight: You should go.
Michael: Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough. 
Dwight: Uh huh.
Michael: Sign the papers at the condo.
Dwight: You have your lawyer there?
Michael: Uh, I don't need one.
Dwight: Can I be your representative?
Michael: I don't need a representative.
Dwight: I think I should be there.
Michael: No, No.
Dwight: I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code.
Michael: No. Dwight. I'm fine.
Dwight: Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work. 
Michael: Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal. 
Dwight: So you're taking a personal day?
Michael: Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.
Dwight: Please, I'll make you proud.
Michael: Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come.
Dwight: Yes! As your representative?
Michael: As my associate.
Dwight: Same thing. 
Michael: No it is not. 
 
Dwight: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. 
 
Michael: Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies. 
Pam: You headed out?
Michael: We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day.
Pam: Ok. 
Michael: Very good. 
Pam: Have a great time.
Michael: We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?
Pam: Yeah, I changed them to your new address.
Michael: Good. The Small Business Man?
Pam: Yup.
Michael: Maxim? American Way? Cracked?
Pam: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.
Michael: How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly?
Pam: [shakes head]
Michael: NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you. 
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Ok. See you soon.
 
Dwight: What kind of shocks you got on this baby?
Michael: I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing?
Dwight: [tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down. 
Michael: What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please...
Dwight: But then no one can see us. 
Michael: I... Just... Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.
Dwight: Check it out. [points at sunglasses] Terminator.
Michael: I do not understand what you spend your money on. 
 
Kevin: [paper football lands on desk] Ooh. 
Jim: Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter?
Oscar: Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know. 
Jim: [points at paper on desk] What does 2005 season mean?
Oscar: Eh. 
Jim: Wait a minute, what is this? 
Oscar: It's a scoreboard.
Jim: What?
Oscar: Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out. 
Jim: Really?
Oscar: Yeah.
Kevin: Or when we're bored. 
Jim: Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years. 
Kevin: We're bored a lot. 
 
Jim: [flicks football onto Kevin's desk] OH!
Kevin: Oh!
Oscar: Sweet!
Jim: Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah.
Kevin: We call it Hate Ball. 
Jim: Why?
Kevin: Because of how much Angela hates it. 
Jim: Hey, do you guys have any other games?
Kevin: Sometimes we play "Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?" 
Angela: You play that. 
Oscar: You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball. 
 
Michael: Home, sweet home.
Dwight: Which one's yours?
Michael: Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... [turns around] no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home. 
 
Jim: [bounces ball off wall with Toby] So that's what this sound is all day. 
 
Carol: Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association.
Michael: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something. 
Bill: Nice to meet you.
Michael: Nice to meet you too. 
Dwight: This is smaller than your old place.
Michael: Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um. 
 
Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex. 
 
Carol: Are we ready to sign some papers?
Dwight: Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood. 
Bill: It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles.
Carol: It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael: Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that. 
Dwight: Let's go check out the master bedroom. 
 
Jim: Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games?
Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college." 
Jim: Fair enough. 
 
Michael: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. [points at wall] Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall. 
Dwight: Oh. Terrible idea.
Michael: I'm putting my bed right over here.
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed. 
Michael: Well, then I will get a warrantee.
Dwight: Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off. 
Michael: Well then I won't get a warrantee. 
Dwight: Shh Shh.
Michael: So that's the problem, is solved. What?
Dwight: Listen. [puts ear to wall] Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin. 
 
Jim: [sings Olympic theme song] This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something. 
Kevin: It smells like cookies. 
Jim: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids. 
Pam: Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system. 
 
Angela: I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work. 
 
Jim: Let the games begin. [sings Olympic theme]
 
Carol: And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow.
Dwight: What kind of mortgage did you get?
Michael: Uh... Ten year. 
Carol: Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total. 
Michael: What? Wha? You said ten. 
Carol: Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total. 
Dwight: Ho, thirty years.
Michael: Ok, ok, ok. 
Dwight: Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.
Michael: Alright. 
Dwight: Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live. 
Michael: Ok. Alright. Oh boy. 
Dwight: Well, this is it.
Carol: Whenever you're ready. 
Michael: Um. Oh. [moves stove burner] Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off?
Carol: Actually yes. 
Dwight: Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants.
Michael: Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me. 
Dwight: We'll be here waiting for you. 
Michael: Oh, man. 
 
Dwight: A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people. 
 
Carol: Whenever you're ready, Michael.
Michael: Uh. [breathes deeply, head at knees]
 
Jim: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam?
Pam: Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton.
Jim: Hum.
Pam: In English, box of paper snowshoe racing. 
Jim: Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton. 
 
Pam: The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens. 
 
Jim: So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone?
Phyllis: I'll do it. 
Jim: Yes! Phyllis! [claps] Phyllis, just put your foot right through here [lifts strap on box of paper]. Right through the flonk. 
 
Michael: The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't... 
Carol: What? 
Michael: ...know if you showed me this same unit or not. 
Carol: Michael, this is the unit you saw and...
Michael: Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.
Carol: Who told you that?
Michael: As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here. 
 
Michael: There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down. 
 
Carol: Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom. 
Michael: No, no, no. 
Carol: That's some extra income for you.
Michael: I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin. 
Carol: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now. 
Michael: Ehhhh....
 
Michael: I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun.
Dwight: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? [laughs]
 
Jim: Here we go. Here we go.
Pam: Go! Go! Go!
Oscar: Pair of shoes!
Jim: Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis!
Pam: It's Phyllis!
Jim: Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton.
Pam: Flonkerton. 
Jim: Thank you, delegate from Iceland. 
Meredith: Wow!
 
Kevin: [empties bowl of M&M's into his mouth]
Jim: Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow.
 
Michael: There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today.
Dwight: You didn't have to...
Michael: No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent. 
 
Michael: Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities. 
 
Dwight: I don't even know what to say.
Michael: I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone. 
Dwight: Question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Michael: What the hell is a terrarium?
Dwight: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards. 
Michael: Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place. 
Dwight: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires. 
 
Pam: Are you sure you don't want to play?
Angela: I'm sure. 
Pam: Come on Angela, don't you have a game?
Angela: I have one, yes. 
Pam: Well, let's play, what is it?
Angela: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you. 
Pam: We're friends.
Angela: Apparently. 
Jim: Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis. 
Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho?
Jim: Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it. 
 
Dwight: Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas?
Michael: We take separate cars.
Dwight: Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?
Michael: Why would we do that?
Dwight: Just for fun?
Michael: No.
Dwight: Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?
Michael: EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok. 
 
Dwight: Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. 
 
Oscar: Ah... 
Everyone: OH!
Jim: Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration?
Ryan: I did.
Jim: Ryan Howard. Ryan! [claps] Gold medal.
 
Pam: I made something for our closing ceremonies. 
Jim: What? [looks in box] Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that?
Pam: Automatic voicemail. 
Jim: Alright Pam, alright [gives her hi-five]. Nice work!
Pam: [sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet]
Stanley: A little bit more and I would have had it.
 
Dwight: You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early.
Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight: People love beets. 
Michael: Nobody likes beets. 
Dwight: Everybody loves beets. 
Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet. 
Dwight: Let's get this roof going.
Michael: Stop it! [smacks Dwight's arm]
Dwight: Ow.
 
Jim: Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15. 
Stanley: Oscar!
Crowd: Go! Go! Go!
Jim: Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. [Michael and Dwight enter] Guys?
Dwight: What is going on?
Jim: Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er?
Dwight: That's my stopwatch.
 
Jim: [hands expense report to Oscar] Here you go. All done.
Oscar: Great. 
 
Jim: Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so. 
 
Ryan: I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid?
 
Jim: Hey. 
Pam: I have 59 voicemails.
Jim: Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead?
Pam: Sure.
Jim: Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Notify the athletes. 
Pam: Cool.
 
Jim: Michael.
Michael: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on?
Jim: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo. 
Michael: Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly. 
Jim: Nice.
Michael: You know.
Jim: Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you.
Michael: Really?
 
Michael: What's this?
Jim: These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. [Michael stands on podium] Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [everyone claps]
Michael: I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment. 
Jim: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal. 
Michael: Get up here, Dwight. 
Dwight: Silver medal. 
Michael: Yep, not as good as gold. [national anthem plays] Why are you playing the national anthem?
Jim: Um... 'Cause your condo's in America.
Michael: Oh. [doves move across cord] What the hell is that?
Jim: Those are the doves. 
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Pam: Hey. Morning.
Jim: Oh, Pam? Can I see you in here for a second? It's important, so...
Pam: Okay. What? What is this?
Jim: I found Dwight's wallet in the parking lot.
Pam: Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?
Jim: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don't know what to do. What do you think?
Pam: I know. I know what to do.
Jim: Okay, what?
Pam: Okay. Put everything back exactly how you found it.
Jim: Okay.
 
Pam: Hey, Dwight. Jim and I found your wallet in the parking lot.
Dwight: What did you do to it?
Jim: Nothing.
Dwight: I'm serious. What did you do to it?
Pam: Dwight, I swear, we didn't do anything.
Dwight: Nice try. [on the phone] Cancel card. Cancel card. Cancel... card.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Oscar: I mean, you've got, you've got stuff here. You rented "Mermaids." You can't... It's a movie. You can't deduct that, you know that.
Kevin: All right.
Angela: It's not an office expense.
Kevin: Yes, thank you.
Angela: Next year, you should file your stuff in a basket.
Oscar: Remember last year he slipped by with "Stripes." He rented "Stripes," he had it for a week.
Kevin: Please...
Oscar: And that got through, so maybe he's thinking he can do that from now on.
Kevin: Please, please. Please.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Dwight: What are the specs?
Michael: Oh, okay. I'll tell you. Let's see here. Three bedroom, two bath...
Dwight: [talking over Michael] Nice.
Michael: ...contemporary townhouse. Two car parking...
Dwight: [talking over Michael] Yes.
Michael: ...wall-to-wall carpets...
Dwight: [talking over Michael] God, what a steal.
Michael: ...all fixtures included. Yes, this is... This is looking good.
Dwight: Does it have a deck?
Michael: I think it does.
Dwight: Have you seen it?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Does it have a deck?
Michael: I think it has a... Yeah, it has a deck. They call it a porch, but it has a deck.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: When a man is laying on his deathbed there are four things that go through his mind. Was I well-loved? Check. Did I express myself? Did I let my light shine through? Check. Will an attractive woman cry at my funeral? Check. Probably more than one. Check. Check, check, check, check. Lastly, did I achieve success and own real estate? And when I close on this condo, I will be able to check that one as well.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Jim: What do you call it? Schruteball?
Pam: Okay. How about skeet Schruteing?
Jim: Did you just come up with that?
Pam: Mmm-hmmm.
Jim: That is good. That's it. That's what it is. 
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: Wow. [cup tinkles]
Pam: Oh, oh.
Jim: Oh, Somebody went in. That was a team effort, Pam.
Pam: Oh!
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Michael: Home owner. About to join an exclusive club, Dwight. Maybe some day these people out here will know what that feels like. Maybe not. Who knows? Not my problem. [groans]
Dwight: It's time.
Michael: Are we ready?
Dwight: That's it.
Michael: Are we gonna do it?
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Michael: This is all mine. All the way down around the corner. It's a shared space, but I can use it whenever I want to,
Dwight: Okay, so I called in a favor to my buddy at the police department.
Michael: Ah, the volunteer Sheriff station.
Dwight: Same thing.
Michael: No.
Dwight: Um, these are the crime statistics for the surrounding square mile over the past four years.
Michael: Oh, anything bad?
Dwight: Two charges of loitering,
Michael: Mmm-hmm.
Dwight: one noise complaint, several speeding tickets.
Michael: Mmm-hmm.
Dwight: Do you own a gun?
Michael: No.
Dwight: I'd think about it.
Michael: I don't need a gun.
Man: Hello?
Michael: Hello! How are you? I'm, uh, just about to close on 126 over there and I guess we're going to be neighbors. Very cool, very cool. So, uh, so what's the vibe? What's the vibe of this place?
Man: Uh, I don't know. It's pretty quiet.
Michael: Oh... That's gonna change. [laughing]
Man: Why?
Michael: Because I loves to party and I'm gonna be partying my butt out at this place. 
Man: Okay, but there's an 11:00 noise curfew.
Dwight: Hi, I am Dwight Schrute, Mr. Scott's associate.
Man: Who is Mr. Scott?
Dwight: Him. I have got a couple of questions about the neighborhood. Have you had any problems with prostitution, crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera?
Man: No.
Michael: Here's a question for you. I have a convertible. Is it safe that park that in my driveway. [Man steps back inside his house and shuts the front door] All right. See you soon. Good guy. Um, cool.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Toby: So it's like volleyball.
Jim: Okay.
Toby: Okay, you get a one-second hold on the ball...
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Toby: ...and you bounce it off the wall on your side of the tape.
Jim: Oh, okay. Oh, do... that's what the tape is for. I didn't know.
Toby: Yeah, Michael asked about it once. I just pretended not to hear him. He left.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Michael: I think I'm going to make myself some microwave popcorn. [humming] Press "Popcorn." Oh, that's gonna be delicious. I just love having popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. You know what? I could do with some hot chocolate as well. Oh, drat. I can't make hot chocolate and popcorn at the same time, unless, I can. Boom! Second microwave for le hot chocolat.
Carol: Hello.
Michael: Oh, Carol. Hello, how are you?
Carol: Hello, hi. Hey, Michael.
Michael: Good to see you.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Dwight: Oh, boy. This whole condo's shifting. It's like this place was built on ancient Indian burial ground.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Jim: Hey, Phyllis, Do you have any games that you play in the office?
Phyllis: What do you mean?
Jim: Um, like stapler tennis or something like that.
Phyllis: No.
Jim: Okay.
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
 
Michael: Second bedroom for the ladies. I mean, the extra ladies who aren't in my bed, or for friends or family, whoever wants to pop on by to casa de Scott. And right in here... What, what's in here? Uh-oh, bedroom number three. What are we gonna do in there? Limitless possibilities.
Dwight: Seal it off.
Michael: What? [toilet flushing] What are you doing in there?
Dwight: Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation.
Michael: Oh, my God. Dwight.
Dwight: Seal it off with drywall so you don't hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time.
Michael: You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids' room.
Dwight: Kids? You don't even have a girlfriend.
Michael: I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna have kids.
Dwight: Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55?
Michael: I'm not gonna date a 55-year-old woman.
Dwight: Just a possibility.
Michael: No, it's not. Just shut up.
Dwight: If you fall in love with her.
Michael: You're an ass. Shut it.
Dwight: I smell mold.
Michael: No, you don't.
 
Deleted Scene 13
 
Dwight: Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp. For example, there are beets in the condo two doors down that way. And someone over there, I believe, is a big fan of olives.
 
Deleted Scene 14
 
Michael: I'm gonna back out of the deal. Nothing personal, but I feel like I have been taken advantage of here.
Carol: How?
Michael: This smells of fraud to me. This whole thing just kind of stinks.
 
Deleted Scene 15
 
Dwight: [looking into his coffee mug] What the hell?

Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling? Just a second. 
Jim: Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker. 
 
Pam: Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they're like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh... I don't know! You know? They're just... She calls him, and they... You know, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud? 
 
Jim: So we're still on for lunch? You're meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye. 
Pam: [to Jim] Hey! You can just give her your extension. 
Jim: Okay. 
 
Michael: Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think. 
Ryan: The temp agency wants to know what you think. 
Michael: Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! [laughs]
 
Dwight: Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years. 
 
Michael: Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be? 
Ryan: Ah, well, I'm interested in business. 
Michael: Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager? 
Ryan: Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company. 
Michael: That is ridiculous.
 
Michael: Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one. 
 
Michael: [speaks in a Yoda voice] Much advice you seek. [regular voice] Do you know who that is? 
Ryan: Fozzie bear? 
Michael: Mmm... No. That was Yoda.
 
Michael: There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play. 
Ryan: Got it. 
Michael: And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch. 
 
Michael: [to Ryan] [makes clicking noises like shooting a gun] Hey! 
 
Dwight: Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto. 
 
Oscar: [in background, on phone] But it says no late fee... .
Dwight: [alarm sounds] People! 
Angela: Okay! Everybody!
Dwight: This is not a test! Move to the exits!
Angela: Do not panic!
Dwight: Head towards the exits.
Angela: Safety partners.
Dwight: Get up off your desks! 
Angela: Do not panic.
Oscar: [in phone] No, I don't hear it? Alright.
Dwight: No, panic is warranted! 
Angela: Go in single file lines. 
Oscar: [in phone] No, no. Finish the... 
Dwight: This is not at drill! 
Angela: Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides!
Dwight: Please, move quickly! This is a paper company, people! Step lively! 
Angela: Go, let's go. 
Dwight: This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow! 
 
Dwight: This is not a test! Can you leave?! 
Phyllis: Oh, you say that every time. 
Dwight: DO YOU WANT TO DIE? 
Phyllis: Oh, boy... 
Dwight: Do you want to die? OUT!! 
Angela: Alright, let's go, let's go. 
Dwight: STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim? 
Angela: Come on, you're safety partners! 
Dwight: Move to the exits! 
Angela: You're safety partners! 
Dwight: We've got smoke! We've got smoke! Smoke! Gah! [Spots Kelly] Oh, Kelly! You're okay! I've got you!
Kelly: I'm okay! 
Dwight: Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose. 
Kelly: Let go of me! 
Dwight: Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW! 
 
Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands. 
 
Michael: Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations. 
Ryan: Yeah. 
Michael: Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two. 
 
Dwight: Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where is he? Where is he? 
 
Michael: So what was rule two? 
Ryan: Ah... adapt, react, re-adapt, act. 
Michael: Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower. 
Dwight: Hey, Michael. Um... Ryan needs his number for the count off. 
Michael: Okay, uh, well, one is taken. 
Ryan: Uh, okay, two? 
Dwight: NO! 
Ryan: Okay... uh, sorry? 
 
Dwight: Okay, he can have 14. Marjory's not here today. 
Michael: Well, he needs a permanent number, right? 
Ryan: No. 
 
Ryan: ...I don't. 
Dwight: Oh, you know what else? I thought of a nickname for the three of us. Three Musketeers. 
Michael: Um, yeah. Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges. 
Dwight: That's funny, too. But if we're the Three Musketeers... 
 
Ryan: I don't want to be like "a guy" here. You know? Like, Stanley is the "crossword puzzle guy". And Angela has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the "something guy". 
 
Jim: Okay, you know what? I am going to be, uh, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up, please? Important announcement. Very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing Desert Island, umm, Who Would You Do? 
Stanley: Ooh. 
Jim: And, um... 
Pam: ...Would You Rather? 
Jim: Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game. 
 
Dwight: [to firemen] Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there's a... 
 
Jim: Okay, so... three books on a desert island? Angela. 
Angela: The Bible. 
Stanley: That's one book. You've got two others. 
Angela: A Purpose Driven Life. 
Jim: Nice. Third book? 
Angela: No. 
Jim: Okay. Phyllis. 
Phyllis: Um, The DaVinci Code. 
Angela: The DaVinci Code! 
Jim: Nice.
Angela: I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code. 
Dwight: Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question: is there fire wood on the island? 
Jim: I guess. 
Dwight: Then I would bring an axe, no books. 
Jim: Uh, it has to be a book, Dwight. 
Dwight: Fine. Physician's Desk Reference. 
Jim: Nice. Smart. 
Dwight: ...hollowed out, inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash? 
 
Michael: Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it? 
Ryan: Yeah. 
 
Jim: Okay. Thought people read more books. 
 
Jim: DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith? 
Meredith: Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County... 
 
Jim: Wow. 
Pam: Legends of the Fall?
Jim: Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just... .
Pam: Well, I kind of liked Legal... 
Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Pam. No. Do you understand? The... the game is Desert Island Movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you're going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable. 
Pam: I take it back. 
Jim: Unforgivable. 
Pam: I take it back! 
Jim: Good.
 
Meredith: ...and Ghost. But, ah, just that one scene... 
 
Dwight: Is this your car, Ryan? 
Michael: Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh? 
Ryan: [to Dwight] Don't... 
Dwight: Good shocks. 
Michael: Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop! So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for... 
Ryan: That's actually a test prep book. 
Michael: ...for Phone. What? 
Ryan: That's a test prep for business school. 
Michael: Um, oh, thinking about business school? 
Ryan: I just got in. I applied, I go at night. 
Michael: Really? 
Ryan: Yeah. 
Michael: So you think you know a lot about business? 
Ryan: No, not yet. 
Michael: Uh huh. 
Ryan: Just started. 
Michael: Yeah. Quiz me. 
Ryan: I... wouldn't even know where to start. 
Michael: Come on, egghead. Let's do it. 
Dwight: Do it. 
Michael: Quiz me up. 
Ryan: All right, um... Why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years? 
Michael: Uh...
 
Michael: When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me. 
 
Ryan: Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer? 
Dwight: Keep an existing... 
Michael: [to Dwight] Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? [to Ryan] Uh, it's equal. 
Ryan: It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer. 
Michael: Okay. Yes! It was a trick question. 
Dwight: Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks. 
Michael: Okay, Dwight. 
Dwight: Self taught. You didn't even go to college. 
Michael: You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about. 
Dwight: [scoffs] Come on. I'm studying with the master, huh? 
Michael: For instance, why don't you go to business...
Dwight: [to Ryan] You should learn from him, right? 
Ryan: I am.
Dwight: Right?
Ryan: I am.
Michael: Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will. 
Dwight: Stupid! 
 
Michael: I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all. 
 
Michael: Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be? 
Ryan: It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base. 
Michael: You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me. 
 
Jim: Pam? Get us back into it.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Five movies. Go ahead. 
Pam: Um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused... 
Jim: Ooh, definitely in my top five. 
Pam: Yes. In my top three, so suck it. 
Jim: What? 
Pam: Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and... 
Jim: Okay that's five. 
Pam: No, my all time favorite! 
Jim: Pam, play by the rules. 
Pam: All time favorite. 
Jim: Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie. 
Dwight: The Crow. 
 
Michael: I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think? 
Ryan: Maybe we should get some air. 
Michael: Nah, I'm okay. 
Ryan: I'm really uncomfortable. 
 
Jim: All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to the main event. Who Would You Do? 
Kevin: Present company excluded? 
Jim: Um, not neccessari... 
Kevin: Pam. 
Oscar: Pam. 
Jim: Um... okay. Ah, you know what? Maybe I'll... I'll finish explaining the rules. Let's... let me explain it first, and then... 
song: ["Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.] Think you've had too much / in this life.
Jim: Yeah, so we'll get right... You know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me, buddy. I'll be right back. 
Stanley: Okay, um... 
 
Jim: Dwight. Dwight. 
Song: Everybody hurts, 
Jim: Come on Dwight! Use words.
Song: Sometim... . 
Dwight: Why didn't I go to business school? 
Jim: Who goes to business school? 
Dwight: The temp. 
Jim: He does? 
Dwight: Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore. 
Pam: You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself 'I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends'. 
Dwight: He doesn't even know that I do that. 
Pam: You should tell him. 
Dwight: Oh yeah, Pam. Right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. 
Pam: Dwight.
Jim: What? 
Dwight: I'm sorry I said that, I didn't... just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway. 
Jim: You know what you should do? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them. 
Dwight: Oh Jim, I'm not going to quit. Then Ryan wins. 
Jim: Yeah. You're right. 
Dwight: Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time. 
Pam: Kay. 
Song: Everybody hurts
Jim: Alright buddy.
Song: Everybody cries 
Roy: Hey! Guys, what's going on? 
Jim: Nothing. 
Pam: Hey!
Song: Everybody hurts
Roy: What's up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit? 
Song: Sometimes
Roy: The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes. 
 
Stanley: Come on people, you know the rules of the game now. 
Michael: Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here? 
Stanley: Okay. It's called Who Would You Do? 
Michael: Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here? Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy?
Roy: Uh... Oh, I got it! Uh, what's the name of that, uh, tight ass, uh, Christian, uh, chick. The, uh, the blond? 
Angela: My name is Angela. 
Roy: Hey, Angela! Roy. Nice to meet you. 
Michael: Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do? 
Jim: Um... Kevin, hands down. Yeah. He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling. 
Michael: Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business. 
Roy: You're all gay. 
Michael: Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo... 
Ryan: [answers phone] Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk... this is great timing. 
Michael: Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So... 
Dwight: Would that make you happy? 
Michael: What's that? 
Dwight: If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy? 
Michael: Yeah. 
Dwight: I'm on it. 
Michael: Dwight. Hey! 
Angela: You can't go in yet! 
Michael: Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen. 
Kevin: What if he dies in the fire? And that's the last thing you ever said to him. 
Michael: I didn't say it to him. I said it about him. 
 
Meredith: ...Jim. 
Phyllis: Definitely Jim. 
Kelly: Definitely, definitely, Jim. 
Phyllis: Come on, Pam. 
Kelly: How about you Pam? 
Pam: Um... Oscar's kind of cute. 
Phyllis: Yeah, I like Oscar. 
Pam: Ooh, Toby!
Michael: [in the background] How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either.
Meredith: Is there anybody else. 
Kevin: [clears his throat]
 
Jim: [on the phone] Hey, where are you? Oh good. Yeah. We're just here, we're playing Desert Island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs... 
Michael: Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find. 
Ryan: What's your number? 
Michael: I gave it to you in the car. 
Ryan: Um... 
Michael: I saw you program it in. 
Ryan: You got to... you got to give it to me again. 
Michael: Okay. Alright. 
Ryan: Now I have it. 
Michael: Uh, I better tell somebody. [to fireman] Excuse me, sir... 
Dwight: [coughing]
Michael: Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh.
Dwight: [coughing] Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing. 
Michael: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school. 
Dwight: That's exactly what I said. 
Michael: Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan? 
Dwight: Were you absent? 
Michael: Toaster Oven 101? 
Dwight: You failed? 
Ryan: I am so sorry. 
 
Michael: Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans. 
 
Dwight: I have a song. Attention, everyone! That I want to sing. That I wrote especially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready? [sings to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire"] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning! 
Dwight and Michael: [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning--- 
Dwight: Everybody! 
Michael: [singing] ...since the world was turning. 
 
Ryan: I can't believe I started the fire.
 
Dwight and Michael: [sing gibberish to "We Didn't Start the Fire"]
Dwight: [singing] ... Marilyn Monroe! 
Dwight and Michael: [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning... 
Dwight: Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it!
 
Katy: Hi! 
Jim: Hey. 
Katy: How are you? 
Jim: Good, how are you? 
Katy: I'm good. It's good to see you. 
Jim: Good to see you, too. 
Katy: I'm hungry. 
Jim: Yeah, I am too. 
Katy: Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over and I have my answers. 
Jim: What answers? 
Katy: Um, for the... the desert island.
Jim: Oh! Right! Right, right, right, come-ah on, on, on. [to everyone] Ladies and gentlemen! Gather around! We have one more participant. Come on, be polite. Be polite. [to Katy] Desert Island. Five movies. Go. 
Katy: Okay, um, first, Legally Blond. 
 
Pam: I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just... good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car. 
 
Jim: Okay, I think the game's over... People are like leaving. There was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch? 
Katy: Okay. 
Jim: Yeah? 
Katy: Alright! You want to drive? 
Jim: Sure. 
Katy: Alright. 
 
Katy: [looking at Roy and Pam] They are soo cute. 
 
Ryan: I'm really sorry, Dwight. 
Dwight: Answer me this, though. 
Ryan: What? 
Dwight: Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp? 
Ryan: No. 
Kevin: Was it worth it? 
Dwight: Really? 
Ryan: I'm really sorry, Dwight. 
Dwight: The fire guy! The fire guy! 
 
Dwight: [sings] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire! 
 
Michael: Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer. 
 
Michael: Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart. 
 
Michael: I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow. 
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Jim: Seventy and clear, that's nice. Where's that?
Pam: That's here.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Dwight: I'm Michael's number two. He's one, I'm two. He's Alpha, I'm Beta. He's A, I'm B. It's easy. Whatever Michael is, I'm one less.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Michael: Rule three: Reach for the stars. And if you fail, see rule four. Rule four: Failure is not an option.
Dwight: Oh, my God. Ryan is gonna love these.
Michael: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And at the end I will reveal, that they were all just one rule.
Dwight: That is so cool.
Michael: Mmm-hmm.
Dwight: Plus you can go, "Rule five, see rule six. Rule six, see rule five."
Michael: No, I'm not trying to trick him. I'm trying to be a good mentor. So...
Dwight: Kill or be killed.
Michael: No.
Dwight: Shoot to kill, or kill to shoot.
Michael: No, come on, Dwight, I have to have 10 of these by lunch, I promised Ryan.
Dwight: You could ask for an extension.
Michael: I'm not asking the temp for an extension unless I really need it.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Dwight: I know Michael's every move. It's not something you can just pick up. I could write a book about him. Literally. I started once, but Michael made me stop. 
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Dwight: Hey, how's it going, man?
Ryan: Good. What's up?
Dwight: Oh, nothing much. What's up with you?
Ryan: I'm good, thanks.
Dwight: Good. Good, I'm good, too. How's it cracking?
Ryan: Uh, fine. What's up?
Dwight: You know what you would love? Guns N' Roses. When I was your age, I loved Guns N' Roses. Do you like Guns N' Roses? I'll make you a tape.
Ryan: Cool.
Dwight: I'll make you two tapes.
Ryan: I don't have a tape player. So...
Dwight: Someday, temp. I've got a couple of shirts that don't fit so well anymore. I'll bring them by. Okay, see you later.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Dwight: Michael and I have a very special connection, like an umbilical cord. And the thing is with Ryan is that I don't want him to trip on it, or get it caught around his neck.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Kevin: Sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight. [snickering] Sixty-nine. Seventy. Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Pam: I like fire drills. You know what's the greatest? Like, when you were in school and the teacher would let you have class outside.
Jim: Oh, the best.
Pam: Yeah, it was great because it was like you're supposed to be working, but nothing ever gets done.
Jim: Yeah, we had outside classes all the time and we never did anything.
Pam: [chuckling]
Jim: Actually if I had fewer outside classes, I probably wouldn't be stuck here at a paper company.
Pam: You're not stuck.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Angela: Yes, there is a real fire, but it's okay. Everyone got out fine. This is why you practice these things.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Michael: Yes, yes, I ran out first. A captain is always the first one on the ship and the last one off the ship. And this parking lot is our ship when the building is on fire. So, I ran out onto the ship.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Jim: Okay, DVDs. Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Toby, go ahead.
Toby: Say Anything, The Shining, Annie Hall, that's too obvious.
Jim: Those are like my favorite movies. I didn't really think you could win Desert Island, but I think you just did.
Toby: Toy Story 2, one of the best movies I ever saw. I went for my daughter and stayed because you can't leave your daughter in a theater.
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
Jim: Toby and I used to sit together until Michael moved us because he thought we talked too much.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
 
Deleted Scene 13
 
Jim: Kevin, do it.
Kevin: Uh, Cannonball Run, Cannonball Run II, [snickering] Weekend at Bernie's, Weekend at Bernie's II, and, oh, Groundhog Day.
Jim: Groundhog Day.
Stanley: I have a client who watches that movie once a week, at least.
Kevin: Really?
Stanley: I should put you in touch with him. Maybe we could get together and work on that account.
Kevin: I would love that.
Jim: Okay, guys, guys, guys. That almost sounded like business, and we are trying to focus here today, okay?
 
Deleted Scene 14
 
Michael: When I was Ryan's age, I worked at Arby's and then I worked selling cutlery for a while. Cutlery that could decimate a penny, I kid you not. There were these shears that could cut straight through a penny. So I have life experience and work experience that Ryan doesn't, and will never have.
 
Deleted Scene 15
 
Jim: And then you go to school for three years.
Ryan: For two years, and it's only at night, and then it's on your resume forever.
Jim: Wow. And just out of curiosity, how much is it?
Ryan: $650 bucks
Jim: A semester?
Ryan: A credit.
Jim: Wow.
Ryan: It's an investment.
Jim: Oh, yeah, it sounds like it.
Ryan: I think it's worth it.
 
Deleted Scene 16
 
Michael: If I could change the life of one person, just one person. I... Actually, that's shooting kind of low. I already did that when I was born. I changed two people's lives. Mom and Dad. Um, if I could change the lives of 5,000 people... 10,000. No, five. I'd be satisfied with 5,000. I... 10,000 though, that'd be something. Wow, 10,000 people. Because, you know what? Even one is amazing.

Michael: Happy Halloween, everyone! [notices Pam, in her cat costume] Oh... that's great!
Pam: Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called.
Michael: Ohh... OK.
 
Michael: I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. [dials a number on his speaker phone] Okay.
Sherri: [on phone] Jan Levinson's office.
Michael: Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning.
Sherri: Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go.
Michael: Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day.
Sherri: I just need the name of who you're planning to let go.
Michael: I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back.
Sherri: I know she wanted the name.
Michael: Okay... Sherri?
Sherri: Yeah?
Michael: If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you?
Sherri: Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael.
Michael: Thanks.
Sherri: Mm-Hmm.
Michael: I'll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri.
Sherri: Hey, I'm still here.
Michael: Okay! I'm sorry.
Sherri: Yeah.
Michael: No?
Sherri: OK.
Michael: Bye.
Sherri: Hanging up now. 
 
Michael: I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about.
Pam: [entering] You wanted me?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: [notices Michael's costume] Papier-mache?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: Hmm.
Michael: Yeeesh.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Pam: Why did you put it off until Halloween?
Michael: Because it's very scary stuff.
Pam: I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little.
Michael: You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here.
Pam: So it's a man?
Michael: No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be?
Pam: I just answer the phone.
Michael: And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.
Pam: You're costume is fantastic! [laughs]
Michael: I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around]
Pam: Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't. [Michael laughs] Aah! [laughs, then leaves] Okay... 
Michael: Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody.
 
Dwight: [eyeing Jim's costume] What is that?! What are you supposed to be?
Jim: I'm a three hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch.
Phyllis: That's great!
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Dwight: Yeah, well look... [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me?
Phyllis: What are you? A monk?
Dwight: I am a Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars.
Phyllis: Ass.
 
Michael: Hey.
Oscar: Michael.
Michael: You guys excited about the party?
Angela: Yeah.
Michael: It's gonna be fun.
Kevin: Yeah.
Angela: Yes.
Michael: [looks to Oscar] Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day.
Oscar: What are you implying?
Michael: All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such?
Angela: You know, I don't know. We put them all up last night.
Michael: Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good?
Angela: Yeah.
Michael: Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers.
Angela: But we don't keep two sets of books.
Michael: Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it.
 
Michael: Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats.
Kelly: Why is that?
Michael: "Bend It Like Beckham."
Kelly: Oh, like ... the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?
Michael: [laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect.
Kelly: Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don't really play soccer or anything. 
Michael: Well, I don't really have two heads. So... 
 
Dwight: Wait, what are you again? Oh, right... Three-hole PUNCH! [punches Jim in the chest and cracks up laughing]
 
Pam: Okay, greatest strength.
Jim: Okay, okay... 
Pam: A dog-like obedience to authority
Jim: Nice.
Pam: But that doesn't sound good.
Jim: Okay, okay. Um, how 'bout, the ultimate team player? [Pam laughs and types]
 
Jim: Dwight is... special. But, I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India.
 
Pam: He's a gun nut.
Jim: Um. He sticks to his guns.
 
Angela: Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department... 
Oscar: Yes?
Angela: ... that has three people... 
Oscar: Yeah?
Angela: ... doing the work that could be done by two.
Oscar: This is great. [Angela shakes her head] Oh.
Kevin: Yeah. Oh.
 
Michael: Who do you think it should be?
Dwight: Jim. Definitely.
Michael: No, Jim brings in money.
Dwight: Phyllis.
Michael: Eh.
Dwight: Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela.
 
Michael: It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale. 
 
Dwight: One of the warehouse guys.
Michael: [turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
Dwight: Who is he saying?
Michael: You're right, I didn't even think of him.
Dwight: No, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight: No, not me.
Michael: Yeah... I could.
Dwight: Not Dwight.
Michael: I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight: I know that's what he said.
Michael: [listening to his head] What?
Dwight: Tell him, not Dwight.
Michael: That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight: Tell him to stop.
Michael: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Quiet, you.
Michael: I agree. He'd land on his feet.
Dwight: Make him be quiet. 
 
Angela: Those aren't chips and dip.
Pam: No, I made brownies.
Angela: Uh!
Pam: ... What?
Angela: I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.
Pam: I made brownies.
Angela: And I made cookies. Same category.
 
Pam: I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.
 
Pam: [on phone] Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. [listens] Uh, yeah. [snaps her fingers in the air, getting Jim's attention] Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.
 
Jim: Um... Whoa. [picks up ringing phone][in managerial voice] Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay.
 
Dwight: Stanley, could you come with me, please.
Stanley: No.
Dwight: As Assistant Regional Manager... 
Stanley: To the.
Dwight: Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. [Stanley laughs.] I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry.
Stanley: [laughs, and imitates Donald Trump] You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone.
 
Michael: So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it?
Dwight: He wouldn't listen to me
Michael: Ahh, come on.
Dwight: If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.
Michael: I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... [waves Dwight away]
 
Dwight: [whispering on the phone] Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number? 
 
Dwight: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most. 
 
Oscar: Oh... hey.
Ryan: Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just... 
Oscar: Oh. [fixes his dress]
 
Dwight: [on the phone] So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... [stops and hangs up phone.]
 
Pam: Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real.
 
Pam: Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job.
Jim: Um... it's in Maryland.
Pam: Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge.
Jim: Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will. [starts walking away]
Pam: Jim... 
 
Dwight: This is called leveraging an offer. [walks into Michael's office] Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?
Michael: Oh, God.
Dwight: I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills.
Michael: Fantastic!
Dwight: And I turned it down.
Michael: What?! That would've solved all my problems.
Dwight: Out of loyalty to this company... 
Michael: Oh, you idiot.
Dwight: ... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
Michael: If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.
Dwight: But then you wouldn't have me here.
Michael: Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back?
Dwight: It's in Maryland.
Michael: You can call. Can you call 'em?
Dwight: I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.
Michael: Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.
 
Jim: Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.
Michael: [clearing his throat and interrupting Jim's talking head] Can I speak to you a minute?
Jim: Um... yes. 
 
Jim: Michael, I really didn't mean to... 
Michael: Help. Me. 
Jim: I'm sorry?
Michael: I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Jim: Oh, you want me to be you?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.
Jim: Oh, are you firing Creed?
Michael: No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head.
Jim: We should switch seats in order to... 
Michael: Yes, that's a good idea.
Jim: Alright. [they stand up] Excuse me.[They sit down] I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal... 
Michael: Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself!
Jim: Wow.
Michael: I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!
Jim: That's an overreaction.
Michael: Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month.
Jim: Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you...
Michael: I... this is Creed.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings]
Jim: Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought.
Michael: And I'm very angry, and I want... 
Jim: [picks up the phone] Michael Scott here.
Michael: I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me.
Jim: Toby? Mm hmm. [looks back to Michael] I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth... 
Michael: Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.[sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.] Just, just... yeah.
 
Pam: What happened?
Jim: It wasn't me.
Pam: Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was... 
Jim: Yeah, I know.
 
Michael: Uh, hey... Creed?
Creed: Huh?
Michael: Could I talk to you for a second?
 
Michael: You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop.
Creed: What are you telling me?
Michael: I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better.
Creed: No, I don't. I wanna stay right here.
Michael: No, you wanna leave.
Creed: No, I wanna stay here.
Michael: Why... why are you making this so hard?
Creed: Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, Michael.
Michael: I think you're right.
Creed: Can I go?
Michael: No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye.
Creed: Let's fight it.
Michael: Hmm?
Creed: Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.
Michael: What old days? What are you talking about?
Creed: Did you start the paperwork yet?
Michael: It's right here on the desk, yeah.
Creed: You don't have to do this, Michael.
Michael: I can't, I can't... 
Creed: Undo it!
Michael: I can't change anything. This is the way... 
Creed: No, you have the power to undo it.
Michael: I don't... okay, just listen.
Creed: Michael, undo it!
Michael: Don't... 
 
Michael: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
 
Michael: I have to fire someone today, okay?
Creed: Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon.
Michael: Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you.
Creed: No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man.
Michael: Don't... 
Creed: Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good.
 
Michael: Devon, could I talk to you for a sec?
 
Devon: Creed's an idiot, you know that.
Michael: Well, he... 
Devon: No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time.
Michael: Well, maybe I did.
Devon: Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man.
Michael: Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.
Devon: That's why I'm being fired?
Michael: No.
Devon: So you might not look like an idiot?
Michael: No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and... 
Devon: This is unbelievable!
Michael: I just hope that you and I can remain friends. 
 
Michael: Devon, wait, please.
Devon: What!
Michael: Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings.
Devon: [takes the gift certificate and tears it up] Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell!
Angela: [watching nearly everyone leave] What about the Halloween party?
 
Pam: Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.
Jim: [motions for her to follow him] Come on.
 
Jim: That's just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.
 
Michael: I love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year.
 
Children: [ringing the doorbell of Michael's Condo] Trick or treat!
Michael: He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great.
Kid: I'm a bumble bee.
Michael: You look great! And you're a princess?
Kid: A fairy princess.
Michael: A fairy princess. You're very... .
Kid: I'm a lion.
Michael: You're a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Michael: Hey, you. Big Jim. And Phyllis. Working hard, Phyllis?
Phyllis: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: Of course. You're always working hard.
Phyllis: Thanks.
Michael: Keep it up. And there's Stanley. No costume? Well, no, not trying to fit in. I wish I had your confidence, I really do.
Stanley: Something wrong, Michael?
Michael: No, no. What could possibly be wrong? Everything's great. Just keep living your lives. Everything's gonna be fine. [sighing] You are all such wonderful, innocent people.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Toby: Hey, Jim.
Jim: What's up, Hef?
Toby: Michael?
Michael: What? What?
Toby: Michael, do you have the name of the employee you're letting go? I'd like to start working on out-placement.
Michael: Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it's you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can't say that I'm sorry. It's a relief.
Toby: I don't report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York.
Michael: You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you're not doing your job. Why don't you just resign?
Toby: They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative.
Michael: Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have.
Toby: I know, Michael.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Michael: I'm going to have to do this Sopranos-style. Just whack him. Guys, could you take the freight elevator, please?
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hey, you wanna see a really messy show? Follow us around. Come to our office.
Michael: You know what? That's my foot. 
Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: Ass, ass, ass...
Michael: You guys...
Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: ...ass, ass, ass, ass, ass...
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hi, Mom!
 
Michael: I will handle it in the best way possible, but in case he or she goes postal, you will be available to subdue. Am I correct?
Hank the Security Guard: Who is it?
Michael: I don't know. Hey, are you on our payroll or are you employed by the building?
Hank the Security Guard: Building.
Michael: Oh, shoot. Okay, well, just have your pepper spray ready.
Hank the Security Guard: You're on your own.
 
Michael: All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. [elevator bell dings] Wow, that's a fast elevator.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: I have a proposal, everybody. Listen up. Now, Corporate has been really breathing down my neck to make some pay cuts, but I refuse to fire anyone. So, I was thinking that maybe all of you would take a 10% pay cut and that would save the money. Yeah?
Stanley: Yeah, We're not doing that. I have kids in college. Make a decision.
Michael: Okay, great. Fine. Well, then, if anyone is annoyed later at what goes down, you know who to blame. Stanley. Not the guy who was trying to be creative. [turns around to find Toby standing behind him]
Toby: Michael, it's almost 5:00.
Michael: Leave me alone, okay?
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Michael: Do you want some coffee?
Creed: No, no. I had some, thanks.
Michael: [slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed?
Creed: Fifteen years, I think.
Michael: Yeah, that's right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement.
Creed: Oh, no. I need the money.
Michael: Why?
Creed: What do you mean, "Why?"
Michael: It's just that you never got married and you live in an apartment.
Creed: I don't know. I got nephews.
Michael: Yeah.
Creed: Yeah. Yeah. And I buy them stuff, you know. Oh, made some bad investments. Why are you asking me this?
Michael: Just trying to be your friend.
Creed: Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all.
Michael: Of course, I did. I always... Yes, I do.
Creed: Do you have something specific you wanted to talk to me about?
Michael: Are you pulling my leg or...
Creed: No.
Michael: You have no clue why I've asked you in here?
Creed: I do not.
Michael: Oh, here we go. This... um, here's the deal.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Michael: Yes. Actually, I have. I have been on a hunting trip. I shot a deer in the leg. I had to... I had to hit him, I had to hit him with a shovel for about an hour, so he... That's good eating, though. Venison's very gamey. It's hard to watch, though. It's hard to... It's hard to hit another living thing in the face with a shovel for about an hour. That... I haven't been hunting since then. I, I... 'Cause that's, you know, where's the joy in that? Where's the... There's no sport, really. Especially when you're the one with the shovel. And they're the one just lying there. Um... I would have rather hit it with my car or something and just... I was just smacking the hell out of that thing. That was a mess. And we just left him there. I didn't eat it. I didn't want to eat that. That guy. Why do you ask?
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Jan: [on the phone] This is Jan.
Michael: His name was Devon.
Jan: Excuse me?
Michael: The human being man's name was Devon.
Jan: Devon. The... Oh, is this the man that you...
Michael: [talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes.
Jan: The person that you fired, Michael?
Michael: Yes, it is.
Jan: Is that what you're... Okay. Oh, you sound a little... A little upset.
Michael: Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined.
Jan: Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know... I know how hard that was.
Michael: Do you? I don't think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me.
Jan: Well, I'm glad you did it, Michael.
Michael: [talking over Jan] You're glad?
Jan: And so, good job. Good job.
Michael: Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good?
Jan: Yeah. Good job.
Michael: [talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back.
Jan: [talking over Michael] Yup. Yes.
Michael: There. I'm doing it. Right there. Great.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Dwight: You're supposed to be a cat?
Angela: Yes.
Creed: You know, guys, Michael has really incredible decision-making abilities. Michael's really incredible at making decisions.
Michael: [camera pans over, Michael is sitting in a chair] Yeah, blah, blah, blah.
Dwight: Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow.
Michael: You people are revolting. By far, the least popular people here. I should have fired you. Who knew Devon was so popular and had so many friends. So well-loved.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Dwight: I feel like I made the right choice. Things happen for a reason. I wasn't destined to go to Cumberland Mills. Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader, I am destined to sell paper here at Dunder Mifflin. That's what I was put on this earth to do.

Dwight: Where is my desk?
Jim: That is weird.
Dwight: This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional. 
Jim: Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk.
Dwight: I didn't lose my desk.
Jim: Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?
Dwight: Okay, who moved my desk?
Jim: I think you should retrace your steps.
Dwight: Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!
Jim: Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot.
Dwight: [In bathroom, answers phone] Dwight Schrute.
Jim: [On the phone with Dwight] Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model.
Dwight: Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times.
Jim: I know.
Dwight: It's by the ream?
Jim: Uh, yeah, ream.
Dwight: ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%.
Jim: Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work.
Dwight: Wash your hands, Kevin.
 
Jim: [On the phone] Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second... 
Dwight: [Also on the phone] Sensei, hello it's Sempai... 
Jim: Umm... 
Dwight: Dwight... 
Jim: You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks.
Dwight: Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai.
Jim: Was that your mom?
Dwight: No, that was my Sensei.
Jim: Oh, I thought it was your mom.
Dwight: I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.
Jim: Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool.
Dwight: Assistant Sensei.
Jim: Ok.
 
Dwight: I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei.
 
Stanley: I don't want to stay until seven again this year.
Pam: I don't really have any control over that Stanley.
 
Pam: Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm.
 
Michael: [singing and tapping on his coffee mug] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day.
Ryan: Did you ask me here for any specific reason?
Michael: Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information.
Ryan: Why is that secret? [Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office]
Michael: [to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin.
Pam: Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign. 
Michael: Yes, thank you. I know where to sign. 
Pam: It's just last year you... 
Michael: Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam?
Pam: Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier.
Michael: Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.
Ryan: Updating emergency contacts.
Pam: Well, is that really a priority? 
Michael: Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. "Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority." Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.
Ryan: Catch-22.
Michael: Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell?
 
Jim: Uh, Larissa Halpert. 
Ryan: What's her address? [Ryan's cell phone rings]
Jim: 117 Mount Bergin St. 
Ryan: Hello?
Michael: [in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.
Ryan: Do you mean Neverland?
Michael: This is Tito. 
Ryan: What?
Michael: Calling from... [Ryan hangs up]
 
Pam: [Reading Jim's palm] You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks.
Jim: You making this up as you go along, aren't you?
Pam: I am just following the website.
Jim: Well, at least I don't have cavities.
Pam: Yes, you have very nice teeth.
Jim: Thanks.
 
Ryan: Who is your emergency contact? [Ryan's phone rings]
Kevin: Stacy.
Ryan: [looks to see who is calling but doesn't pick up]
Michael: [Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention] Pick up.
Ryan: Hello?
Michael: [in a high pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson.
 
Jim: Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist?
Dwight: Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me.
Jim: No I'm not.
Dwight: Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you.
Jim: Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. [reveals Dwight's purple belt]
Dwight: Ok, give that back to me.
Jim: Ok, say please. 
Dwight: No. That is not a toy. 
Jim: Please?
Dwight: Please?
Jim: Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou. 
Dwight: Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them. 
 
Michael: And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man. 
Pam: Could you practice on the forms?
 
Dwight: No women or children, unless provoked. 
Jim: Ok, Roy? 
Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count. 
Jim: Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael? 
Michael: Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen.
Dwight: Because we're friends.
Michael: Because I would kick his ass. 
Jim: Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so... 
Michael: So? I've beaten up black belts. 
Jim: Uh, how did you know they were black belts?
Michael: They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out. 
 
Ryan: Is your wife still your contact?
Toby: Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now. 
Ryan: 'Kay.
Toby: You don't need to write 'ex'.
 
Michael: And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again. 
Jim: Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, [starts snapping] you're a Jet all the way, right? 
Michael: You were a Jet?
Angela: Have you signed the expense reports yet?
Michael: Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. [Puts Dwight in a headlock] Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link. 
Dwight: Argggg!
 
Michael: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up. 
 
Michael: Just hit me. You'll see.
Jim: I can't. I just got a manicure.
Michael: Oh, queer... [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it.
Jim: Just have Dwight punch you. 
Michael: Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim: You know a ton of fourteen year old girls?
Dwight: What belt are they?
Michael: Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'... 
Dwight: No!
Michael: ... he cried at the end of it. He did.
Dwight: Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight. 
Michael: Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?
Dwight: Ok, I'll punch you.
Michael: Ok, here we go. Alright, come on.
Dwight: Kiyah!
Michael: Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh!
 
Dwight: Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not. 
 
Jim: Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright?
Michael: Yeah. [Jim opens office door for Michael] Thank you. 
 
Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight. 
 
Jim: Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael.
Pam: I don't know. 
Jim: Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips. 
Pam: French Onion?
Jim: Obviously.
Pam: Ok.
Jim: Yes.
Dwight: [to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight] Take this pen and stab me with it. 
Michael: [Pam knocks on his door] Go away.
Pam: I just have a quick question.
Michael: I haven't signed them, ok?
Pam: No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?
Michael: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough. 
Pam: He's a purple belt. That's really high.
Michael: Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him. 
Pam: It's just out there, you... 
Michael: Oh, so that's what they are saying?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Ok, alright, where is Dwight? 
Jim: Uh, Kitchen.
Michael: Ok.
Kelly: Hi-yah!
Dwight: Good.
Kelly: Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight.
Dwight: Now watch, let me take you from behind.
Kelly: What?
Michael: Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you.
Dwight: I didn't sucker punch you, Michael. 
Michael: No, Really?
Dwight: In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai.
Michael: Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22. 
Dwight: Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!
Michael: Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor.
Dwight: No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective.
Michael: Really?
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now.
Jim: Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo?
Michael: No, they must have class. 
Dwight: No, it's free during the day. It's fine.
Michael: Look... 
Dwight: I've got the key.
Toby: Michael... 
Michael: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Any word on those time cards?
Michael: I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools. 
 
Jim: Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight... 
 
Michael: I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll. 
Ira: Uh, no, it's not. 
Michael: I think it is. A guy told me about that.
Ira: Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline.
Michael: Oh.
 
Jim: [Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves] Wow, that is really interesting. 
Pam: What? 
Jim: Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything. 
Pam: Well, look closer. 
Jim: [Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face] Oh, ok. 
Pam: Once point for me.
Jim: [Gently taps Pam on the forehead] Tied up.
Pam: Oh, you're dead.
Jim: What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now. 
Pam: Hey, put me down. Put me down. [Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam] Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey... 
 
Ira: Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright?
Dwight: Yes, Sensei!
Michael: Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner. 
Ira: Shi mate!
Dwight: Hiii! [kicks Michael]
Michael: Hey!
Ira: Alright, break.
Michael: What the hell was that?
Dwight: Yes!
Ira: Dwight - awarded a point.
Michael: No. 
Dwight: Eat it!
Michael: Alright, that's the way you want it. 
Dwight: Two more.
Michael: Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man. 
Kevin: Sweep the leg. 
Michael: I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him.
Dwight: No. 
Michael: I got his pants. 
Dwight: It was my pants.
Ira: No points for pants. 
Michael: Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight]
Ira: Clean single kick, gentlemen.
Michael: Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya.
Ira: Ok, break. Break.
Dwight: No holding.
Michael: You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie]
Dwight: No, stop it! Come on! Michael.
Michael: Open your mouth. 
Dwight: No, Michael! 
 
Michael: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? "Raging Bull." Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. [Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we're playing phone tag. 
 
Ryan's Voicemail: Seven new messages. First New Message. [Michael's voice] "Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein." Next new message. "Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!"
 
Michael: My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?
Ryan: Fudge?
Michael: [knock at the door] Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya? 
Dwight: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Ryan: Ok, to what? 
Dwight: Just put "The Hospital." Contact number: just put 9-1-1. [Dwight leaves]
Michael: He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man. 
 
Kevin: Later Jim. 
Jim: Later, Kev. [Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam's desk] Have a good weekend.
Pam: Yeah, you too. 
 
Michael: [Knock at the door] Yeah. 
Ryan: I have the emergency contacts. 
Michael: Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend? 
Ryan: Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably. 
Michael: If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout.
Ryan: Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday. 
Michael: Alright, bye. 
 
Michael: Dwight?
Angela: Michael, did you finish yet?
Michael: This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?
Dwight: I'm busy. 
Michael: Well, [points at himself] busier. Making the time. 
Stanley: Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday.
Toby: We want to go home. 
Michael: Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby. 
Pam: The shipping place closes in a half hour. 
Michael: I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight. 
 
Angela: This is illegal.
Stanley: I don't care. 
 
Michael: I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that? 
Dwight: Of course.
Michael: And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager. 
Dwight: Michael, I don't know... 
Michael: I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it.
Dwight: I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.
Michael: No, no, title change only. 
Dwight: I'll have Pam send out a memo.
Michael: No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now.
Dwight: Just a formality.
Michael: Absolutely but not really. 
Dwight: Michael, I have so much to learn from you.
Michael: Yes you do. 
Dwight: Thank you, Sensei.
Michael: And, ditto.
 
Michael: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo. 
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Master: [Dwight grunts] Great. Excellent. [Dwight yells] All right. That's okay.
 
Dwight: [Dwight's pager goes off] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry, just one second.
Master: Dwight, you can't use your pager in here, I told you.
Dwight: Okay, I just...
Master: Dwight...
Dwight: It's a sales call.
Master: Ten push-ups. Ten push-ups!
Dwight: I can... Yes, sensei.
 
Dwight: Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other students? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Jim: What about Oscar? Could you beat Oscar?
Dwight: No problem.
Jim: I don't know. He looks pretty scrappy.
Dwight: Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn't be a fair fight.
Jim: True. Meredith.
Dwight: No women or children. Unless provoked.
Jim: Okay. Roy.
Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.
Jim: Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I don't think that would happen. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out. I was a bad ass mo-fo. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: I've never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die.
Dwight: You just said it. You just said it.
Michael: No, that's not how I meant it.
Dwight: Die. You just... You said it.
Michael: Shut up, Dwight.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Angela: Do you think he's signed them yet?
Oscar: Signed what?
Angela: Forget it. Is that chocolate-vanilla swirl?
Oscar: Just chocolate. Angela? For the last time, I did not eat your chocolate-vanilla swirl.
Kevin: Don't look at me. [smiles at camera]
Angela: I don't know why I write my name on things.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Kelly: Are you going to happy hour later?
Meredith: I'm still recovering from last night. But maybe.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Master: Sir, your shoes.
Michael: Yes.
Master: You're gonna have to take them off. It's a sign of respect.
Michael: Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin'. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming]
Master: Here's your gear. Please put this on.
Michael: Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black?
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Master: Okay. Gentlemen. [to Michael] You ready? [to both Michael and Dwight] Okay, listen up.
Alyssa: Hi, sensei. Hi, Dwight.
Master: [to camera] That's Alyssa. My senpai. She just qualified for regionals.
 
Dwight: Alyssa? I guess she's technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let's see how she does.
 
Michael: God, you look like such an idiot. [both yelling] [grunting]
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Michael: Stan the man.
Stanley: Hi, Michael.
Michael: Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn't much of a fight, actually.
Stanley: No. Are those purchase orders signed? 
Michael: I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him.
Stanley: Huh? What?
Michael: I went medieval on his heinie.
Stanley: Are those purchase orders signed?
Michael: Hey, Stanley. I don't tell you how to do your job, do I? He...
Stanley: Look, I just want to have a job, Michael. If we don't get these purchase orders...
Michael: Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That's not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Dwight: For the record, let me just say, Michael Scott has no honor. If he lived in Japan, he would be an outcast. Well, that's not totally true, 'cause Asians worship chest hair. I had a friend, a hairy friend, who lived in Japan. He told me the women would line up to satisfy his every need. So, and he wasn't even that attractive.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Michael: [door opening] All right. Here you go, Princess. Just finished with part one.
Pam: This is what you had Ryan do.
Michael: Yes, under my tutelage.
Pam: Well, what about the other stuff that has to be in today?
Michael: If you didn't badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now.

Ryan: [entering office] Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie.
Jim: No. They're in the conference room.
Ryan: Good.
Pam: Wait, are those Michael's Levis?
Ryan: Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans?
 
Pam: Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays.
 
Pam: [to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her desk]
 
Jan: This is a projection of the county's needs... 
Michael: Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today.
Jan: Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals... 
 
Jim: So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. [groan] Years.
 
Jan: So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um-
Michael: I changed it. To Chili's.
Jan: Excuse me?
Michael: Radisson just gives out this vibe, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson". It's kind of snooty. So.
Jan: You had no right to do that, Michael.
Michael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine. 
Jan: It said that.
Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Jan: Alright. But you will let me run this meeting.
Michael: Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip.
Jan: What?
 
Oscar: She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out.
Jim: No... 
Oscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
Toby: That is unbelievable.
Pam: What is going on?
Jim: We are doing worst first dates.
Pam: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me. 
Oscar: Ok, that's a joke.
Pam: No, they had to come back for me. 
Jim: Wait, when was this?
Pam: Umm... it was not that long ago.
Kelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. [laughs]
 
Jim: I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting. 
 
Michael: Ok, let's do this thing. [to Pam] Wish us luck.
Dwight: Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan.
Jan: Thank you. 
Michael: [under his breath] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now.
Jan: Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour.
Michael: Well... 
Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael: No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. [Jan stares at Michael] That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare] Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. [to Oscar] Adios!
 
Jan: So which way is Chili's?
Michael: Uh, I'll drive.
Jan: Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there.
Michael: It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you?
Jan: I know Scranton.
Michael: At all!
Jan: Alright.
Michael: You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de-
Jan: If it's a couple blocks away-
Michael: Dar de dar.
Jan: Ok.
 
Michael: Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.
 
Michael: We should come up with a signal of some sort.
Jan: Why would we need a signal?
Michael: Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-
Jan: What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?
Michael: Well, I... it could be either of us.
Jan: You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that.
Michael: Yeees.
 
Michael: Hello? Christian?
Christian: Yes.
Michael: Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould.
Jan: Just Jan Levinson.
Michael: No Gould?
Jan: No. [To Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long?
Christian: No, not long.
Michael: Uh, Jan, what happened?
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Is Gould dead? What uh-
Jan: Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
Michael: Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about?
Jan: Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please?
Michael: When did this happen?
Jan: We're in a meeting.
Michael: Ok.
Hostess: This way, please.
Jan: Christian.
Michael: Alright, after you.
Christian: Thank you.
Michael: [mouths "Wow" to the camera]
 
Jan: I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county.
Christian: Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction-
Michael: Awesome blossom.
Jan: What?
Michael: [to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom?
Christian: Sure.
Michael: Ok, it's done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done.
Jan: So-
Michael: I heard a-
Jan: If you have a-
Michael: Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it?
Jan: Christian, you don't have to listen to this.
Christian: It's ok, I like jokes.
Michael: Ok.
Jan: Just the one.
Michael: Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo.
 
Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael: Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.
 
Pam: [to Michael on speakerphone] Ok, you want me to read 'em?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him-
Michael: No. 
Pam: When-
Michael: Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.
Pam: Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship-
Michael: Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?
Pam: Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse.
 
Jim: Is this real? [Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk]
Pam: It is a screenplay. Starring himself.
Jim: Agent Michael Scarn.
Pam: Of the FBI.
Jim: How long is this? [flips through pages] Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings.
Pam: What is that?
Jim: Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.
 
Michael: First guy says "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn". And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort". And the third guy says "I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe".
Christian: Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!
Jan: [to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?
 
Jim: Do we all have our copy of "Threat Level: Midnight", by Michael Scott?
Everyone: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones.
Phyllis: That's the character's name?
Jim: Oh yeah-
Dwight: Ok, you guys should not be doing this.
Jim: Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy.
Dwight: You took something that doesn't belong to you.
Jim: Dwight-
Dwight: Brought it in here-
Jim: Do you want to play- 
Dwight: Made copies of it-
Jim: The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?
 
Michael: [making the mouth on his tie talk] Yum! Yum yum yum! [Christian laughs] That's delicious! I love it!
Jan: We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match.
Christian: Well, we are out to save money.
Jan: What's the bottom line?
Michael: Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop.
 
Michael: That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault.
 
Michael: Did somebody say "baby back ribs"? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?
Jan: I don't think Christian has time for that.
Christian: I have time.
Michael: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs]
Michael and Christian: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back-
Michael: [singing] Chili's baby back ribs... 
 
Jim: [reading the screenplay] Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters.
Phyllis: Sir, you have some messages.
Dwight: Not now!
Phyllis: They're important.
Dwight: Ok, what are they?
Phyllis: First message is: "I love you". That's from me.
Dwight: Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!
 
Dwight: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.
 
Dwight: If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang.
Ryan: Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight.
Dwight: Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam gets up to talk to Roy]
Pam: Hey, uh, I have to work late.
Roy: [looks around conference room] You're joking right?
Jim: Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the-
Dwight: Pow! Pow! Pow!
Ryan: Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word.
 
Kevin: Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. [Smiles] Heh.
 
Jim: A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. [out of character] Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?
Oscar: Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?
Dwight: Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.
Ryan: I forget it, brutha.
Dwight: Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who's Dwigt?
 
Pam: Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops.
 
Dwight: D-W-I-G-H-T.
 
Dwight: Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end. 
Jim: Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so-
Dwight: Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.
Jim: That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. [To Pam] Hey, are you hungry?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Yeah?
 
Christian: So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her.
Michael: Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh.
Jan: Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really.
Michael: Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing.
Christian: It's not fair.
Michael: She's not playing the game.
Jan: We'd been fighting for a while-
Michael: Check please.
Jan: He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine.
Christian: You didn't.
Jan: I was stupid.
Michael and Christian: No.
Michael: No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right?
Christian: That's right. 
Michael: You know?
Christian: You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. 
Michael: It's true.
Christian: You said "World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!"
 
Jim: I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer.
 
Jim: [Pam lights a candle] Wow.
Pam: For the bugs.
Jim: Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich.
Pam: Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner.
 
Christian: Right down the street?
Michael: Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.
Christian: I know.
Michael: It's bad.
Christian: It's terrible.
Michael: It, you know what, it really is.
Jan: Uh- [Michael signals for her to shh]
Christian: I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts.
Michael: Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan?
 
Jim: So, I guess I'll see you in [looks at watch] ten hours.
Pam: What are you going to do with your time off?
Jim: Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself.
Pam: [points to Jim's iPod] You have new music?
Jim: Yeah. [Pam puts her hand out for an earbud] Definitely.
 
Michael: [waving to Christian] See ya.
Jan: Bye... thanks. [pumps fist] Yes!
Michael: We did it!
Jan: We got it!
Michael: Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here.
Jan: I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let's go.
Michael: What!?
Jan: Let's go.
Michael: Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok.
 
Dwight: [waking up on office couch] Michael? Michael? [goes into Michael's office] Michael? [looks out Michael's window] His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. [taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot] Who's this? Jan?
 
Michael: Morning, Pam. Hey.
 
Michael: No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. [laughs] No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So.
 
Michael: Hello, Dwight.
Dwight: Did you do her?
Michael: Who.
Dwight: Jan Levinson-Gould.
Michael: Uh, no, no, no Gould.
Dwight: Did you do her?
Michael: This is none of your affair because she is your boss-
Dwight: And she is your boss.
Michael: And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera] Jan, I defend your honor. [to Dwight] Is that all?
 
Jim: Jan didn't come back for her car last night.
Pam: What!?
Jim: Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?
Pam: Oh, I don't know... [Jim laughs, phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan's cell.
Jim: No way.
Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
 
Michael: I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It's, uh, [phone rings] Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. [to camera] Would you excuse me? [to Jan] No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. [goes under his desk] This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk [to camera which is now under desk] Excuse me? Excuse me?! [to Jan] I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn't slip you something!
 
Jim: Some might even say that we had our first date last night.
Pam: Oh, really?
Jim: Really.
Pam: Why might some say that?
Jim: Cause there was dinner, by candlelight.
Pam: Uh hmm.
Jim: Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. [Pam nods reluctantly] And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date.
Pam: We didn't dance.
Jim: You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic.
Pam: Swaying isn't dancing.
Jim: Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.
Pam: I have some faxes to get out.
Jim: Oh, come on, Pam. I-
 
Jim: Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Michael: Have you ever heard of Doctor David Friendly?
Pam: Hmm... 
Michael: Doctor David Friendly's Egg Yolk Diet. It's, it's kind of unique. It's just, my diet the last couple months has consisted mostly of eggs yolks and cottage cheese. And, um, what you do, you don't just have the egg yolks, it's not like a Rocky thing. You do like hard boiled eggs and I got one a those melon ballers [shot of Michael peeling boiled egg] and I, it's just like a little ice cream scoop, and I just scoop out the middle of the egg and just pop it in my mouth. I don't even, I don't even use a plate anymore. Uh, the first couple weeks I did, but you know what, boom, I keep a melon baller in my desk so if I have a hard boiled egg [Jenna breaks as Pam and laughs] I know, I know! But you know what? It's perfect. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous, but you know what? Dr. David Friendly, he came up with this thing. The guy, I think he was like four hundred pounds when he started, and he started with this... I, well, the melon baller was my idea.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Kevin: Most of that is good.
Michael: [throwing away food from the fridge] Not today, Kevin. Cannot be around carbs today. You know what one loaf of bread would do to my abs?
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Jan: I'm almost there, so we should have plenty of time to go over the presentation. 
Michael: Uh huh.
Jan: And, uh, hmm, excuse me, I've also confirmed the meeting this afternoon at four p.m.
Michael: Conflict!
Jan: What?
Michael: I have a conflict with that.
Jan: What do you mean?
Michael: Uh, I have a pajama party. At the Playboy Mansion. With the bunnies.
Jan: Michael. I need you to take this seriously.
Michael: I can't get out of it!
Jan: Michael-
Michael: Ok, alright.
Jan: Are you hearing me?
Michael: I'm hearing you, meeting confirmed.
Jan: This is a very important-
Michael: Meeting confirmed. Would you like your confirmation number? Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once.
Jan: [sighs] I'll see you in ten minutes.
Michael: 42897. Ok.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: What is a closer? A closer is a sales term for someone who always gets the job done. And that is me. A B C, always be closing. Glen Garry, Glen Ross. "Hey, gimme the Glen Ross leads." "No way, they're just for closers." "Do you know who you're talking to?" "I'm Michael Scott." "Really? Well, take any lead you want." "No thanks, I don't need 'em." Because I have a client list [taps screen] right here in my computer. [sighs] So suck on that.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hi.
Jim: What are you doing?
Pam: I don't know, I think I was just staring at my desk.
Jim: Really? Do you wanna get back to that? I could go. I should go.
Pam: Yeah, do you mind leaving?
Jim: No, not at all.
Pam: It's very important.
Jim: Uh hmm.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: Sure.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Phyllis: Do you think they'll get the account. [Stanley stares at her] How come you never answer me?
Stanley: I'm sorry, Phyllis. No, I don't think they'll get the account.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Jim: [reading screenplay] Bullets are flying everywhere. Ooo, wait, last page, big finish. Here we go. Agent Michael Scarn kicks open the plane door with a karate chop.
Dwight: A kick and a chop are two totally different things.
Jim: Well, it's just a movie, Dwigt.
Dwight: It doesn't make any sense.
Oscar: Yeah, now it doesn't make any sense.
Ryan: Don't jump Agent Scarn! There are no parachutes!
Jim: Just then, Agent Chang gets a bullet in the head.
Pam: Oh! So close to retirement.
Jim: Another bullets heads towards Agent Michael Scarn, but he jumps out of the plane without a parachute.
Ryan: Is that it?
Jim: Yup, I guess so.
Phyllis: Does he die?
Pam: I sincerely doubt it.
Angela: I have to say, I think this is a terrible movie.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Jim: What was my worst first date? Umm. It was a couple of years ago. It was a lunch date, actually, it was right down here, at Cugino's. And we had just met, and we really hit it off, it was, it was kinda nice. Umm, huh. And, uh, then, as it turned out, it wasn't even a date, because she was actually in love with someone else. So, best first date is also my worst first date. Oddly enough.

Dwight: [bouncing on an exercise ball] You should get one of these.
Jim: No. Thank you.
Dwight: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim: Done.
Dwight: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [knocks things around Jim's desk] Sorry.
Jim: S'ok.
Dwight: Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim: You're not having sex.
Dwight: Plus, improves your reflexes [knocks over more stuff] see, I would have caught that.
Jim: Ok, you know what, uh, how much is that?
Dwight: It's only twenty-five bucks.
Jim: Wow. Um, ok. [pops Dwight's orb with scissors]
 
Michael: Pam, could I see you in my office?
 
Pam: It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect.
 
Michael: Pam, you're trustworthy-
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: And a woman-
Pam: Oh, no.
Michael: And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. [Jan on recording] "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you. I'll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon." First impressions?
Pam: Uh, just off the top... I think she'll be here this afternoon.
 
Michael: My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been [makes slashing neck hand motion] swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual.
 
Michael: [playing Jan's message] "I guess I missed you." I guess I missed you. So, she misses me?
Pam: She missed you.
Michael: But then she goes on to say "that will be our only topic of discussion". That doesn't mean anything, those are just words.
Pam: I have one idea of what it means.
Michael: Ok. Yeah, what, what?
Pam: Well I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this.
Michael: Ohhh, great. Well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review-
Pam: Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings... for you.
Michael: Ah, why, that's great news? That, that, then why would, why would I not like that?
Pam: Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward.
Michael: Oh, wow, wow. Alright, let's listen to that again. [plays Jan's message] "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you".
 
Dwight: Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review.
Jim: Ok.
Dwight: Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Jim: We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.
Dwight: Oh, yes, we do.
Jim: No, we don't.
Dwight: Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise.
Jim: Alright... well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim: I win.
Dwight: Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid.
Jim: Wait, wait; one thing. Uh, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?
Dwight: Uh, duh.
Jim: Duh.
 
Jim: Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.
 
Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael: Really?
Stanley: Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael: God, Stanley, that's frickin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry.
Stanley: Oh, no, that's ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.
Michael: No kidding.
 
Stanley: It's all about my bonus.
 
Pam: Michael and Jan definitely made out.
Jim: Ohh... 
Pam: Maybe more.
Jim: Eck!... Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that goin'.
Pam: Oh, yea!
 
Michael: Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn.
 
Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. And I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny. 
 
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yeah?
Pam: Jan's on the phone for you.
Michael: Oh; Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year.
 
Michael: Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. [puts Jan on speakerphone] Yeah?
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure?
Jan: I am returning your many calls.
Michael: Well, hello to you, too. Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's.
Jan: No. No, we won't be discussing that, Michael. The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch.
Michael: Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's.
Jan: Uh, your review is anything but a formality, Michael.
Michael: Oh.
Jan: I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior.
Michael: Been thinking about you.
Jan: Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior.
Michael: Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just-
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Yep.
Jan: Are the cameras with you...
Michael: No. 
Jan: ...in your office?
Michael: They are not. Yes, they are. [Jan hangs up] That's my girlfriend.
 
Kevin: I heard they made out and had sex.
Oscar: No, they just made out. That's it.
Kevin: Well, I heard they made out and had sex.
Angela: Don't talk about it. Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved.
Kevin: Romances?
 
Michael: Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down? In a folder? A "Michael-idea" folder?
Pam: Sorry.
Michael: That's unfortunate. How 'bout the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there.
Pam: What suggestion box?
Michael: The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously? Maybe there's prizes?
Pam: Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started.
Michael: Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them. Hello, everybody? Yeah, uh, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p.
Ryan: Don't you mean constructive criticism?
Michael: What did I say?
Kelly: You said "constructive complements"; that doesn't make any sense. 
Michael: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K?
 
Jim: [on phone] Hey, Dan, this is Jim, and it is about 11:15, and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the fifteenth, and that is a... 
Dwight: Saturday.
Jim: [pumps fist] ...Saturday, so just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Ok, talk to you soon.
 
Jan: [on phone] We'll address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok, bye-bye. [to Pam] Could you please tell Michael that I'm here?
Pam: Sure.
Michael: Hi, Jan. How are you?
Jan: I'm good; how are you?
Michael: Good to see you.
Jan: Nice to see you.
Michael: Ok. [tries to kiss Jan's hand] Ok, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here.
Jan: Can we please go in your office?
Michael: Yep, right after you. Apres-vous. [mouths to Pam] No calls.
Kevin: Oooo.
 
Michael: Alright [takes Jan's coat].
Jan: Thank you.
Michael: It's nice to see you.
Jan: Nice to see you too, Michael.
Michael: Really?
Jan: Not like that.
Michael: Oh, well.
Jan: You know Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top. I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder-Mifflin business.
Michael: Alright.
Jan: Period.
Michael: Yep.
Jan: Do we understand each other.
Michael: Absolutely.
 
Michael: I'm a little confused. 'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy. And then it's like all regret. Because "Oh, I regret that." But, "Wait, I'm still gonna call you." But, but, "We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job." But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business.
 
Jan: So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then?
Michael: No, no, no, I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am. But I do say thank ya ma'am. But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam. If it's consensual. [cold Jan stare] We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question?
Jan: No.
Michael: This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise.
Jan: Fine.
Michael: Are you wearing a new perfume today?
Jan: How is that a business question?
Michael: Well, you're wearing it at the office. And [smells Jan] it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy.
Jan: Please don't smell me, Michael.
 
Pam: Hey, Jim.
Jim: Hey, how's it goin'?
Pam: Oh my God, did you see "The Apprentice" last night?
Jim: Course, it's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Pam: Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim: No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam: You didn't see it?
Dwight: No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking?
 
Michael: I don't understand- [phone rings] Hold on. Sorry. [answers] Yes, Pam.
Pam: Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
Michael: I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
Pam: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Michael: I did not, not, not use those words.
Jan: Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting [to Pam] is it happening right now?
Michael: No, it's in like ten minutes.
Pam: Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Jan: Great. Very good.
 
Michael: Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers. Alright. Number one: "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?"
Dwight: What should we do to prepare for Y2K?
Kelly: I thought you read these every week.
Michael: Well, obviously this one got stuck in the box. [to Jan] That happens occasionally.
Dwight: It happens occasionally.
Michael: And, um, one down. Next suggestion: "we need better outreach for employees fighting depression". Ok, alright, enough with the jokes. Nobody in here is suffering from depression.
Jan: That sounds serious, Michael.
Michael: Oh, ok, well, yeah, who wrote it?
Dwight: Tom?
Michael: Tom. Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom.
Phyllis: Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago. [blank stares] Tom? [acts like she's shooting herself in the head] Pow.
Michael: Oh, that guy? That guy was weird. Alright, next suggestion.
Dwight: Next suggestion.
Michael: Arrr, dooby dooby do. "You need to do something about your B.O."
Dwight: You need to do something about your B.O.
Michael: Ok, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion and it's not an office suggestion. Far be it for me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.
Toby: Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Michael: Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that is a very poor choice of words.
Creed: Uh, Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Michael: Was I, Creed?! Ok, well, you know what? I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, because talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should all be aware of. Ok? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good, we're learning and we're figuring some stuff out. "You need to do something about your coffee breath"-
Dwight: You need-
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: To do something about-
Michael: Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight, OK. I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box.
Angela: Sometimes you talk to us real close.
Michael: Yeah, is that hard for you? Alright, well-
Angela: Well, when you have coffee breath-
Michael: I'll work on that-
Angela: It's hard.
Michael: Let's keep going. Keep it going. Yep. What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a, a garbage can, this is the future of our company. This is not a place for gum. I don't wanna have to read these tomorrow.
Dwight: Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday?
Michael: Yeah, what? Uh, alright, next suggestion.
Dwight: Next suggestion.
Michael: "Don't sl-", ok, that's blank [Dwight picks up note] Don't, just put it-
Dwight: "Don't sleep with your boss"? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?
 
Jan: I can't, I can't-
Michael: I don't understand why you're so upset.
Jan: Please sit down.
Michael: Let me ask you-
Jan: You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there.
Michael: Ok, let me ask you this.
Jan: Please, sit yourself down.
Michael: Let me ask you something.
Jan: What, Michael. 
Michael: Where did you get your outfit?
 
Dwight: [loud metal music playing in a stairwell; Dwight pacing] You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! [plays air guitar] Yes! [kicks] Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... I'm awesome! I am awesome!
 
Michael: I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Jan: Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same
Michael: Look-
Dwight: Michael?
Michael: Oh my God... 
Dwight: I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out?
Jan: No, Dwight; come in.
Dwight: Great.
Michael: What do you want Dwight?
Dwight: I am ready for my performance review.
Michael: Ok, great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave; goodbye.
Jan: Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael?
Michael: You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave. 
Dwight: Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise?
Michael: Why on earth would we give you a raise?
Dwight: That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: dedication. [points to graphs] I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. [Michael sighs] Even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays.
Michael: You do? How do you get in?
Dwight: I have a copy of your key.
Jan: That's a serious offense!
Michael: That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a man's heart.
Jan: Oh! Michael, for God sakes!
Dwight: I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Michael: Ok, third wheel, why don't you do that?
Dwight: For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office. 
Michael: That was deer!? Gross, oh!
Dwight: You liked it!
Michael: Oh, did not!
Dwight: Jan, have you ever had deer?
Jan: No.
Dwight: It's a delicacy. And you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you guys could go over to The Antler Lodge, sample some deer and talk about my raise.
Michael: What do you say, Jan?
Jan: Ok! Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna step outside, collect my thoughts, and I will return in about ten minutes.
Michael: Ok. You just, uh, clear your head.
Jan: [Dwight opens door] Thank you, Dwight.
 
Jan: Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. [digs a cigarette out of her purse] Do you have a light?
 
Dwight: And in conclusion, I think that Lex Luthor said it best when he said "Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of". 
Michael: That's from Superman?
Dwight: Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise.
 
Pam: Do you think Michael and Jan actually...
Jim: I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam.
Pam: How do you come back from that?
Jim: Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together.
Pam: No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that?
Jim: Oh-
Pam: As a human being.
Jim: Yeah, no, I don't think you can.
 
Jan: I'm heading back to New York; Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow.
Michael: Wait.
Jan: 'K?
Michael: Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why?
Jan: Michael, now is not the time or the place.
Michael: Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place?
Jan: No, I am saying we are never having this conversation.
Michael: Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance?
Jan: Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.'
Michael: I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio?
Jan: Michael, it has nothing-
Michael: Am I too short?
Jan: With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate.
Michael: Really?
Jan: Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok?
Michael: I appreciate that, thank you.
Jan: And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that-
Michael: No, I wasn't, I didn't cry-
Jan: At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok?
Michael: So my looks have nothing to do with it?
Jan: Ohhh, God.
 
Michael: Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed; I'm good. I can go home now. 
 
Michael: Hey, it's 12:20; where the hell's Dwight? 
Jim: Ummm... no idea.
Michael: Never missed a day, my ass.
Pam: [Jim bows to Pam; she bows back] Thank you.
 
Dwight: [running through parking lot] I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's ok!
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Michael: Oscar, I'm ready for you.
 
Oscar: Today is performance-review day, company-wide, and I'm a little concerned about my review. I exceeded my sick days and my personal days because I just couldn't take it. And I don't have a good answer for him, when he asks me.
 
Michael: So...
Oscar: Michael, I don't know what to say.
Michael: Um, you're in accounting...
Oscar: Yes, I'm in accounting and I'm sorry and all the extra days. I know I passed my limit.
Michael: So, good, good, good. Something to work toward, being here more. I'm a big believer in people being here more.
Oscar: Yes.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Dwight: You know what this is?
Jim: Yes.
Dwight: No, you don't.
Jim: Then why the question?
Dwight: This is a visual aid for my performance review. Budget is tight, and if anyone is getting a raise, it is gonna be a fight to the death. And I intend on winning that fight. "Dwight: determined, worker, intense, good worker, hard worker, terrific. Dwight."
Jim: I have one, too. Jim. Jim, Is Jim. My name is Jim.
Dwight: That's a total waste of your "M."
Jim: Really?
Dwight: Yeah.
Jim: You have a better idea?
Dwight: Yeah, magnificent worker, marvelous worker, more money for this worker. Man, I like this worker. Mighty worker. That's good. That's good.
Jim: I'll use that.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Jan: I am not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder Mifflin business. 
Michael: All right.
Jan: Period.
Michael: Yup.
Jan: Do we understand each other?
Michael: Absolutely.
 
Michael: "I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period." Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don't understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask?
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Jim: So, that's... It's great.
Michael: Yes, it is.
Jim: Yeah. You have fun?
Michael: Yes, I did.
Jim: Did you go to first base?
Michael: Hell, yeah.
Jim: Oh, yeah?
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: Did you go to second?
Michael: What?
Jim: Second.
Michael: Kind of, yeah. Over the shirt, my elbow, but...
Jim: Okay, so close call at second. Was there an infield fly?
Michael: Um, yup, wait, yes.
Jim: Pop-up?
Michael: No, there... Later there was.
Jim: Really?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: So, you got the signal from the third-base coach. You know what I'm saying? Like if there was a fly out to deep right, you know. A runner on second. He tagged up, didn't he?
Michael: I didn't, you know, it was... It was dark, for one thing.
Jim: Office romances. Um... [laughs] I think you should probably ask Pam 'cause she's in an office romance, technically.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Michael: Let's just push on, shall we?
Dwight: Pushing on.
Michael: It's next. Just keep it. "Look on the supply shelf." What? What is that? All right, Ryan, look on the supply shelf, would you?
Ryan: Yeah. It's another note.
Michael: Okay, yeah.
Ryan: "Look on the windshield."
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Does it specify which windshield?
Ryan: I'll check them all.
Dwight: This ought to be good.
Jim: Which one?
Dwight: Oh, no, no. It's on the Miata.
Pam: He sees it.
Dwight: What does it say?
Jim: He can't hear you?
Michael: Okay, field trip's over. Come on. Could we please get back to this?
Dwight: [clapping] Come on. Let's get back to this.
Michael: All right, don't break any lands-speed records getting back, okay, Stanley?
Stanley: I'm back.
Michael: Christ Almighty.
Ryan: "Look under the sink in the men's room." 
Michael: All right, next suggestion.
Dwight: Next suggestion.
Michael: "Don't..." Okay, that's blank. Don't. Just...
Dwight: "Don't sleep with your boss." Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?
Jan: Okay, let me make something clear. As embarrassing as this is, I feel that it needs to be said. There is nothing romantic or sexual going on with Michael and myself.
Michael: Well...
Jan: The other night, I gave him a polite congratulatory kiss because he just closed the biggest deal of his career. And that's it. If anything else has been implied, Dwight, or inferred, Michael, Creed, it's just not true, okay? It's not true. So... Is everyone straight on that?
Michael: Crystal.
Dwight: There's one more suggestion.
Michael: How pleasant. You can...
Dwight: "Way to go man, Jan's really hot."
Michael: Okay, I think we're good.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Pam: Oh, my God. When Dwight said no one wants to come in on a Saturday...
Jim: I know.
Pam: I almost lost it. That was too good.
Jim: Well, that is because that is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, my God. I left today's paper on my desk.
Pam: You mean yesterday's paper.
Jim: What? Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Wow. You are very good at what you do.
Pam: Thank you.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Dwight: Hey, temp.
Ryan: Hey.
Dwight: Look, we're twins.
Ryan: Cool.
Dwight: Bet you I got mine for less than yours.
Ryan: I bet you did.
Dwight: Getting a little something that calm the nerves?
Ryan: What nerves?
Dwight: For the performance review. Oh, wait, you don't get one. You're a temp.
Ryan: Actually, I had mine already.
Dwight: You're lying.
Ryan: Why would I lie about a performance review?
Dwight: Why would Michael give you one before me?
Ryan: I think because my name is before yours in alphabetical order. [coins dropping]
Dwight: How did it go?
Ryan: Fine. He actually gave me a small raise, which I did not ask for. [hits vending machine] It's stuck. [Dwight begins throwing his entire body into the vending machine] It's cool, it fell.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Dwight: [Wild Side playing] You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Yes, you are. You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Ya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation, right? You are gonna give me this raise! Why? Because I'm awesome, awesome, yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for your time, dude. Champ. My lord, mi amigo. Mi amor. Ha! Wild side! I am ready. [groans]
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Michael: Yeah, that got a little out of control. Jan's taking a break, which is fine. I'm doing the same, just chilling. Getting my mind off of us. She's right. I need to be more professional at the office. When I'm at work, I need to focus on work. I should call her ex-husband. 
 
Michael: Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that's right, yes. Um... I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I'm just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get?
 
Michael: Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was... He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don't know how she dealt with that as long as she did.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Michael: Never...
Jan: Never for me always means never, ever, ever.
Michael: Well, then, Gould wasn't kidding.
Jan: What?
Michael: Nothing, I just...
Jan: What did you say, Michael?
Michael: Nothing.
Jan: Did you call my ex?
Michael: No, I did not.
Jan: Gould, you said, Gould.
Michael: Maybe I did. Maybe I called him, I don't know.
Jan: How dare you, Michael? My personal life is off-limits to you.
Michael: I...
Jan: Okay, how dare you do that?
Michael: I didn't do that. I... Maybe he called me.
Jan: Why would he do that? Why would he call you, Michael? Why would my husband call you?
Michael: Ex-husband, you have to let it go.
Jan: I mean...
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Ryan: "Look under the suggestion box." "I can't believe I kept this up all day." Signed, me.
 
Michael: What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that's me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot. 

Michael: It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. [sees man in a turban outside] Oh my God. Ohhh. [dials phone number] Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. [goes out onto office floor] Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.
Jim: Are we in danger?
Michael: There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody. [knock at the front door]
Kevin: Michael, should I call the... [Michael waves his hands] What?
 
Michael: The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.
 
Michael: Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected... 
Sadiq (IT guy): That just means you have to enter your password.
Michael: Oh... 
Sadiq (IT guy): What's your password, Michael? 
Michael: Oh, umm... [looks at Post-It on computer]
Sadiq (IT guy): Oh, it's 1-2-3.
Michael: Yes.
 
Dwight: Mi-
Michael: AH! Guh-oood.
Dwight: Sorry.
Michael: Please don't do that.
Dwight: Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?
Michael: I can't tell you.
Dwight: You have to tell me.
Michael: I don't have to tell you anything.
Dwight: Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.
Michael: Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. [flexes his arms] Brrr! That's strong!
Dwight: Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-
Michael: I'm not going get a brain-
Dwight: Or get hit by a car-
Michael: Stop it.
Dwight: Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke.
Michael: Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away?
 
Michael: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it--- And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails. 
 
Michael: So how do you search?
Sadiq (IT guy): By keyword phrase.
Michael: Try "profits". No! Try "Michael Scott". "Michael" "boss" and "funny". [Sadiq (IT guy) types; result pops up] Oh my God, wow! [chuckles] E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. [reads e-mail] "Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late." Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.
 
Oscar: Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?
Michael: Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? [robot voice] I will destroy everything in my path-
Oscar: Actually, it's just-
Michael: Beep! Bop!
Oscar: Ok... 
Michael: Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. [Tin Man voice] Oil can. Oil can.
Oscar: Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
Michael: Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose.
Dwight: So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?
Michael: You know what the problem is?
Stanley: I think I do.
Michael: The problem is that when people hear the term "big brother", they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother.
 
Kevin: I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff.
 
Dwight: Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.
Angela: I know.
Dwight: Good. [Pam overhears]
Pam: [whispers to Jim] Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.
Jim: What?
Pam: I know!
Jim: Hmm... 
Pam: Do you think that they're like-
Jim: No.
Pam: No, right, no, no.
Jim: [humming]
Pam: Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe?
 
Pam: It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... [to camera guys] If you guys see anything... ?
 
Pam: Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with. 
Dwight: Nice.
Pam: One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?
Dwight: Does he have access to their medical records?
Pam: Ummmm... 
 
Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory.
 
Michael: Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... .[scrolls down list] No.
 
Pam: Hey, Angela-
Angela: Hi.
Pam: How's it going?
Angela: It's ok.
Pam: Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight?
Angela: No. Are we supposed to?
Pam: No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so.
Angela: Hmm... [Pam reaches towards vending machine] Excuse me.
Pam: Oh.
 
Michael: There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.
 
Kevin: That's pretty young.
Pam: Yeah.
Kevin: [to Michael] Are you gonna eat with us?
Michael: Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup.
Jim: Uh hum.
Michael: Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors.
Pam: The professors would go to the parties?
Michael: Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them.
 
Jim: It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.
 
Pam: [to cameraman] What? [looks at Dwight eating a Baby Ruth] Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you!
 
Dwight: Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-
Jim: Oh, uh, no. Could-
Dwight: I was wondering-
Jim: Could, keep that down.
Dwight: Why?
Jim: Because not everybody knows about the party.
Dwight: Like who? Who doesn't know?
Jim: Umm, Michael.
Dwight: Why just Michael?
Jim: Because it's a surprise.
Dwight: Is it?
Jim: Uh hmm.
Dwight: Oh, that's perfect!
Jim: So, don't tell.
Dwight: I won't.
Jim: Ok.
 
Jim: So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael.
Pam: Really? That's great.
Jim: I know.
Pam: Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.
Jim: [laughs] Oh man. Oh, you know what, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, numbers for food and stuff. So do you think that Roy's gonna come, or...
Pam: Oh, no, he can't make it.
Jim: Oh, ok, cool. 
Michael: Hey there.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Almost quittin' time.
Jim: Yup, it's, uh, four o'clock.
Michael: One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don't, we could hang out.
Jim: Oh, um... .I can't.
Michael: You have plans.
Jim: Uh hmm, definitely.
Michael: I do, too. I do, too. 
Jim: You do?
Michael: I do, yeah. Big plans.
Jim: Because you said "do you wanna hang out"-
Michael: Tonight, I can't do it tonight, no. Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds-
Jim: Really?
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun.
Michael: It's the best. It's the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.
Jim: Improv sounds great.
Michael: It is. Ok.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: [someone coughs] What?
Jim: I think Stanley just coughed. 
 
Michael: Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport?
Pam: No thanks.
Michael: Alright. Oscar, got big plans tonight with-
Oscar: I'm on a call.
Michael: Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to?
Kevin: My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien-
Michael: Ok, alright.
Kevin: Oh.
Michael: Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy. Where you rushin' off to?
Angela: I'm just leaving for the day.
Michael: Yeah, well duh. Where ya headed?
Angela: Charity. Bake drive.
Michael: Liar!
Angela: No!
Michael: You are a liar.
Angela: No, I'm not.
Michael: Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hangin' tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy.
Dwight: Battlestar Galatica.
Michael: That's, whatever stupid show you want-
Dwight: I can't-
Michael: To watch tonight
Dwight: Tonight. 
Michael: We're watching it.
Dwight: Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice. 
Michael: I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.
Dwight: Clarinet.
Michael: You, too, Dwight?
Dwight: Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. [to the camera] He has no idea!
 
Jim: Quick announcement everybody, if I could have everybody's attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and, uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it's not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy.
Dwight: Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock? 
Mark: Hey, you must be Dwight!
Dwight: You don't work with us.
Jim: That's because Mark's my roommate.
Mark: Hey, I love the Birkenstocks. 
Dwight: Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here.
Jim: Uh hmm.
Dwight: When is the guest of honor coming?
Jim: Oh, uh, later-ish.
Dwight: He's gonna love it!
Jim: Great. [to a group of guests] Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised-
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave.
Pam: Definitely.
Jim: Well, the group tour is now leaving, then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we are gonna be pointing out to you today, you will be able to see both bedrooms and, uh, if we're lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows. I have to remind you that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to.
Ryan: Hey, is Katy coming?
Jim: Uh, actually, I haven't talked to her in a while.
Ryan: Huh, is it ok if I call her? 
Jim: We can talk about that later.
 
Improv Teacher: Ok, let's get right into it. I need two people for the first scene.
Michael: [In Horshack voice from 'Welcome Back, Kotter'] Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air.
Improv Teacher: Ok, Michael. And... anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Come on. Ok, so you start us off Mary-Beth.
Mary-Beth: Great. [skips] La la la la la laaa... 
Michael: [fake kicks in door] Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. I'm with the FBI.
 
Michael: Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. [gasps] That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it, you just can't. 
 
Girl acting Pregnant: I'm supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? He's a very angry midget.
Michael: Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI. You know what you did. Boom! Boom! Boom! [shoots at Pregnant Girl and another actor] Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't ya!? Well, you didn't, because I know where ya hid the diamonds. I been on to you and your little friends for weeks. [another actor steps in] Boom! Boom! Boom!
Actor: I'm not even in the scene!
Actress: Again!?
Michael: Boom! Boom!
Improv Teacher: Stop, stop, ok, stop. 
Michael: Boom! Boom!
Improv Teacher: You shot me, great. Now stop.
Michael: Why 
Improv Teacher: You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.
Michael: Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going.
Improv Teacher: Ok, what about the scene they set up?
Michael: Boring.
Improv Teacher: No, it wasn't. No more guns.
Michael: I could of-
Improv Teacher: No. No. Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have.
Michael: Ok.
Improv Teacher: Just, I want you to get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great.
Michael: Yehhhehh.
Improv Teacher: Yeeehh, ok.
 
Pam: Jim's bedroom.
Jim: See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour. It's-
Pam: Cool... This is your desk.
Jim: This is my desk.
Pam: Your home office?
Jim: My home office, this is it.
Pam: Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect.
Jim: Ok, sure. Will do.
Pam: Ok, wait, so that would make me [walks to side of room] like right here.
Jim: Yeah, that... Yep, that feels about right.
Pam: And Dwight would be like-
Jim: You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.
Pam: Umm, [gasps] yearbook!
Jim: Yeah, you don't have to, ummm. Alright, yes, that's not gonna be awkward at all.
Pam: [finds Jim's picture] Ooooohhh no! 
Jim: Oh yeah.
Pam: You were so dorky!
Jim: Thank you.
 
Improv Teacher: Freeze! 
Michael: I'm in. 
Improv Teacher: You wanna go over the rules one more time?
Michael: No, no, no. I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.
Bill: I promise it's worthit . Ooo, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.
Michael: What are you... [whispers to Bill]
Improv Teacher: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael: Nothing.
Improv Teacher: Then why are his hands up? Bill?
Bill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.
Improv Teacher: Ok, let's call it a day. Nice job, Bill.
Michael: Good, it's good. Good work, everybody.
 
Jim: Angela, burger? Dog? Havin' fun?
Angela: I got sap on me.
Jim: Chicken, hot dog, burger.
Angela: I'm a vegetarian.
Jim: There is soda inside.
Angela: Guh.
 
Stanley: I didn't think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did.
Oscar: Yeah, it surprised us all. I'll tell you why. Because when they---
Kelly: I'm sorry guys; can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else we can talk about.
 
Angela: I think it's alright. Jesus drank wine. [Pam overhears]
Pam: Hey Phyllis, come here for a second. 
Phyllis: Sure.
Pam: Have you heard anything about any secret office romances?
Phyllis: You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim right? Oh God. I am so sorry, I thought, you guys hang out all the time and you're talking all the time. I'm sorry! 
Pam: That's ok. It's ok.
 
Kevin: [smacks Ryan's hand] Not so fast... Fire Guy.
 
Mary-Beth: How do I get to Bernie's Tavern from here?
Bill: Oh, don't worry. We're all gonna carpool.
Michael: So Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's? [to camera] Go to Bernie's?
Bill: Oh sorry, we're not going as a group, it's just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing.
Michael: Right, right, right. Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but, you know, I have an office party. A big office party I need to go to, so... Can't get out of it.
Bill: Ok. 
Michael: Ok, see you later. Nice job, Bill. Not.
 
Phyllis: [singing] Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known... 
Jim: Oh by the way how's your side project going?
Pam: Oh, yeah I gave that up.
Jim: Really?
Pam: Yeah, it turns out I was, um, just grasping at straws.
 
Pam: Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on.
 
Kevin: [singing] Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.
Dwight: Surprise! [laughs] Everybody!
Phyllis: Dwight... 
Michael: Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? I'm just driving by, thought I'd drop in. [to Jim] There's some wine. I would love a glass, if you're gonna open it. Here ya go Temp, take my jacket! [sees Sadiq (IT guy)] Oh, come on! That guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Karaoke, I love it! I am a karaoke fiend. I call dibs. I got next, I got next up. Come on, let's get this party started, ha! Ok? Where's that wine?
 
Michael: Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam? You wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. [singing] Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly? Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside, there was something goin' on. This part goes to the, uh, girl. You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. In every beat of my heart, we got something goin' on. Tender love is blind---
Michael and Jim: [singing] It requires a dedication, all this love we feel needs no conversation. Divided, together, uh huh. Making love with each other, uh huh.
Michael: We're making love!
Michael and Jim: [singing] Islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me... 
 
Michael: Talk! Just talk!
Mary-Beth: I am-
Michael: Shut up!
 
Michael: Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says "Hey you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt." [giggles] And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Angela: [Oscar shakes his leg] You're going to have to stop that. [Oscar moves over] I can still feel it.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Sadiq (IT guy): Do you have a question or something?
Michael: Um... 
Sadiq (IT guy): About my turban, maybe?
Michael: Nope, nope. I actually wear a turban sometimes. Wanna see it?
Sadiq (IT guy): Yeah.
Michael: Got it right here. [pulls out Karnak turban]
Sadiq (IT guy): Why do you have that?
Michael: Comedy; it's funny. It's Johnny Carson, Karnak. It's, um, put it back. Huhhhh, did you have Johnny Carson in your land?
Sadiq (IT guy): In Pittsburgh? Yeah, but I never really watched him.
Michael: Oh. You were forbidden.
Sadiq (IT guy): No, I'm much younger than you. I watched Conan.
Michael: Alright, I'm gonna, uhh, get a cup of coffee. Do you want some coffee er-
Sadiq (IT guy): No.
Michael: Or some tea or hummus or something?
Sadiq (IT guy): No, thank you.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Phyllis: Oh, this isn't good.
Stanley: It's fine.
Phyllis: You don't even know what I'm talking about.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: Should have done this a long time ago. Tons of personal e-mails, huge time wasters. Uh, uh huh. Wow, like Kevin, rating the best bars in Scranton? Poor Richard's number seven? Idiot. Stupid load. [phone rings] Yeah.
Pam: Hey, Michael, accounting needs your approval on-
Michael: Yeah, I'm busy right now. [hangs up]
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Michael: Here's a helpful suggestion for Jim. Jim, instead of e-mailing Amazon, to try and get that CD that you didn't receive, I suggest that you go to Visa and tell them to cancel the charge.
Jim: Yeah, definitely didn't need help with that, but, yeah.
Michael: It's seems like ya did though-
Jim: Oh?
Michael: Jim. Lots of e-mails to Amazon, lots of wasted computer space. Alright, let's get back to work.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Toby: Yeah, I assumed Michael was already doing this. That's why I only use my personal e-mail account.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Michael: [moves chair to Jim and Dwight's desks] Ooo, bleh bleh bleh.
Dwight: Where's your tie?
Michael: I don't know. Just felt like taking it off. Man, work can be just so damn frustrating don't ya think, Jim?
Jim: Uh, yeah, I guess.
Dwight: What's going on, Michael. Talk to me.
Michael: I don't know, same old stuff. Same old. Boss just been ridin' my ass.
Dwight: Oh no! Jan!? What's goin' on?
Michael: I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna hang out, just be one of the guys.
Dwight: The most important one of the guys.
Michael: That's not the point.
Dwight: That's exactly the point. You've hit a slump. It happens to the best of us. You just have to remember, you know-
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: Where you come from, and who you are.
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: You know, you have worked so hard for this. You are the boss; you can buy and sell us with just a snap of your little finger.
Michael: Ok yes, I would never do that.
Jim: Yeah, no one can snap with their little finger.
Michael: Ha.
Dwight: Jim, this is hardly the time.
Michael: No, this is completely the time, this is perfect time. This is just guys gently ribbing each other, it's what it's all about, just hangin' out. Enjoying friends, all being the same. Worker bees.
Dwight: And their king bee.
Michael: No, just bees, just bees hanging out, buzzing around.
Dwight: Master bee. 
Michael: I'm not a master bee. 
Dwight: Queen bee.
Michael: I'm just a bee, Dwight, ok, just a bee, just buzzin'.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Pam: Hi!
Roy: Hey babe. Hey, how are you!?
Pam: Good.
Roy: You look good.
Pam: Thank you.
Roy: Hey, um, I was wondering if it'd be ok if I go to Lonny's poker game tonight. I promise, it'll be like the last time for a while.
Pam: We were supposed to go to the barbeque at Jim's house.
Roy: Oh, man. Um, could you go without me? Make something up, say I like, ate something, or... 
Pam: Uhh... 
Roy: Huh, huh? You're the best. You're the best!
Pam: I might be late. 
Roy: Ok, don't wake me up cause I'm playing ball in the morning.
Pam: Ok.
Roy: Alright, bye. [Pam looks around the office]
Pam: [to the cameraman] Did I miss anything?
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Michael: Five o'clock. Time to go get my improv on. [drinks] Little bit of the comedy juice. Mmm. Alright, see if you can guess what this is. [roars and flails his arms] That is a dinosaur getting ready to go to improv class. Just a taste of the improv.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Michael: I need to know... who shot Johnson!
Mary-Beth: Uh, President Johnson. Um-
Michael: Shut up!
Mary-Beth: Ok. 
Michael: I have a right mind to shoot you right in the head.
Mary-Beth: I, I killed him. You're right! It was me!
Michael: Just shut up! I don't wanna hear anything more from you.
Improv Teacher: No, listen to what she's saying.
Mary-Beth: Alright, I'll be quiet if we can make some kind of deal. A deal?
Michael: Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! No deal. Not with Michael Scarn, FBI. Michael Scarn doesn't make deals. Michael Scarn shoots and then asks questions later. [blows on his fake gun]
Improv Teacher: Good, good.
Michael: She was kind of tripping me up, cause she was, um, I was trying to get something going, when I was over her with the gun, and she like kept changing the story.
Mary-Beth: I don't think... he was saying-
Michael: Well, you kept-
Mary-Beth: He kept saying "shut up"-
Michael: Going into nuclear something; that's not where the scene was going.
Mary-Beth: I-
Bill: It goes wherever.
Michael: Well, it goes, it goes in the best direction, and that was not the best direction.
Mary-Beth: I felt like he was ordering me around, cause he-
Michael: Well, he, Michael Scarn, that character, orders people around, and that's, you should of just gone-
Improv Teacher: All your characters order people around though, and-
Michael: Well... 
Improv Teacher: There's stronger choices.
Michael: I don't think there's any stronger choice than being a really strong character.
Mary-Beth: We've seen you do that character before though. I mean, you know, that's cool.
Michael: Well, it's, like, well, it's, you know, when refine it, refine a character down to its essence, that's... 
Mary-Beth: Like Jim Carrey or something.
Michael: Exactly, thank you.
Mary-Beth: Right, well I wasn't saying that-
Michael: I appreciate that.
Mary-Beth: Nah, I know, I just meant that... he shot me, I just-
Michael: Or Ryan Stiles, something like that.
Mary-Beth: Yeah, ya know maybe, he made me get on the ground, and I didn't feel safe in this game.
Michael: You shouldn't have been, 'cause you were dealing with Michael Scarn. That was exactly what I was hoping to achieve, so that is probably the best thing you could have said, that's a compliment.
Improv Teacher: You succeeded.
Michael: Good work.
Mary-Beth: Yeah.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Jim: And in this room here, if you look closely, you will find out a few clues about who lives here. Um, he likes biking, obviously, and uh, what else? Uh, he likes tour guides, I guess. And if you're very perceptive, you'll notice that he didn't do a great job of cleaning his room [kicks water bottle under bed]. Ok, and uh, that's the tou-
Ryan: And he's really into penguins or something?
Jim: Um, thank you, Ryan, uh, I don't know, I think I made the mistake one day of telling someone that I like penguins, and here we are.
Phyllis: Oh, I'm sorry. I gave you a penguin.
Jim: And that's why it's on my desk, Phyllis; it means a lot to me, and now that I know it was from you, it means even more. Moving on! Uh, ok, so that's the end of the tour for now, and if you liked it please tell your friends: "Whenever you're in Scranton, visit Casa de la Halpert".
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
Improv Teacher: Ok, for the next exercise, let's everyone pair up.[everyone picks a partner] And everyone got somebody? Ok, good. [Michael is partner-less] Uh, ok, uh, why don't you go out in the hallway and go through all the rules in your head. Ok, you take a break and sort of run through the rules in your head. Ok, stay there.
Michael: I'll just throw out some suggestions.
Improv Teacher: Ok, you guys wanna start? [to Michael] Don't throw out any-
Michael: They're in a whorehouse.
Improv Teacher: Suggestions.
Michael: And he's a proctologist. [to teacher] What?
Improv Teacher: We don't need a suggestion for this one; it's gonna come from them. [to other students] It's a game called "Yes, and?" and uh, you will say the first sentence. And uh, you're telling a story-
Michael: First sentence is: "I'm a proctologist".
Improv Teacher: We're not gonna get a suggestion for this one, it's gonna come from them. [to students] Ok, you're gonna say the first sentence and then she will say yes to that and then she'll add something to the story, like you're telling a story. [looks at Michael and then students] Oh yeah, what was he doing? Ok, why don't you take a break? Since you don't have a partner. 
Michael: Alright, I'm ready here.
Improv Teacher: Ok.
 
Deleted Scene 13
 
Kevin: Why don't you turn it up? [Ryan moves to turn up the grill] Uh! Not so fast... Fire Guy. Think we need some more heat, Fire Guy? Hey, Fire Guy, maybe we should burn Jim's house down.
Ryan: That's really funny.
Kevin: Hey, Kelly; I called him Fire Guy.
Kelly: Good one, Kev.
Kevin: Yeah... hey Stanley-
Ryan: He called me Fire Guy.
Stanley: Oh, good one. [laughs]
Kevin: It never gets old.
Ryan: Never gets old.

Dwight: Go. Get the door.
Michael: Here we are.
Dwight: Go. Push!
Michael: Oh god.
Dwight: Push! 
Michael: No, no, turn it around.
Dwight: Really shove it.
Michael: You'll break it.
Dwight: Shove it through! Break it!
Michael: You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight.
Michael: All right.
Dwight: I got a splinter.
Michael: Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh?
Dwight: I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.
Michael: On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three.
Dwight: One, two, three. [they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile.]
Michael: Merry Christmas!
 
Michael: Did it work?
Kevin: [holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big?
Michael: A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.
Kevin: But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?
Michael: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.
 
Jim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. [holds up a miniature pencil] This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.
 
Angela: Is there anything we're missing? Phyllis, you got the lights?
Phyllis: Yes, I got those cute little ones. [Angela looks at her disapprovingly] Do you think I should have gotten the big ones?
Angela: We'll see.
 
Ryan: Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive.
 
Michael: [comes into the conference room in a Santa hat and beard] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, [points to Ryan] pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting?
Angela: Fifty.
Michael: Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.
 
Michael: It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that.
 
Michael: I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive.
Pam: You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party.
Michael: Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody.
 
Kevin & Oscar: One, two, three. [they lift and start to move a desk]
Dwight: You guys should use a hand truck.
Kevin: Do we have one?
Dwight: No.
 
Angela: [having trouble with a plastic tablecloth as Pam stands idly by] Will you help me?
 
Michael: No! No way! It... no.
Darryl: Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours.
Michael: You wanna be Santa?
Darryl: Yeah.
Michael: Have you ever seen Santa?
Darryl: Yeah, I've seen Santa.
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: Who cares?
Michael: Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work.
Dwight: Michael, I would like to be the elf.
Michael: That makes sense because he has elfish features.
 
Dwight: [now wearing an elf hat and ears] Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael.
 
Toby: I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that.
 
Oscar: I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I .. I got him this shamrock keychain.
 
Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't [smiles happily].
 
Michael: You get something good this year?
Jim: I think I did a pretty good job.
Michael: Yeah? Who did you have?
Jim: Well, I can't tell you cause it's a secret. 
Michael: I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.
Jim: Yeah?
Michael: I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.
Jim: Well, there's a $20 limit, right? So .. ?
Michael: Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.
Jim: That's great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can .. 
Michael: It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan.
 
Dwight: Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons.
Stanley: I know how to plug something in.
Dwight: I want to do it.
Michael: All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready?
All: Three, two, one. [very dim lights come on the tree]
Michael: Not great.
Phyllis: I'm sorry, everybody.
Pam: I think the tree looks nice.
Dwight: Hey, I could get some flares from my car.
Michael: No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa.
 
Michael: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth."
 
Dwight: First present, Oscar. 
Oscar: [rips off the wrapping] Shower radio. Neat. 
Kelly: Oh, good, that was from me.
Oscar: Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of .. 
Dwight: Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim.
Jim: Oh, cool. [opens his plastic bag]
Creed: That's from me.
Jim: Great. Where did you get it?
Creed: I don't know. It was so long ago.
 
Jim: He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number [holds up way-too-short sleeves] and then threw it in a bag.
 
Creed: Yep. That's exactly what happened.
 
Dwight: Pam.
Pam: [opens up her present] Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It's awesome.
Jim: There's a little more to it.
Dwight: All right, next. Ryan. [tosses present]
Michael: No, don't!
Ryan: [unwraps present] Whoa, a video iPod.
Michael: Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away.
Ryan: Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks.
Michael: You don't know that.
Ryan: Yeah, you left the price tag on.
Michael: I did?
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: Oh hey, for me. What is in here? [opens a handmade oven mitt] Oh, come on.
Phyllis: I knitted it for you.
Michael: An oven mitt? Okay. [walks out]
 
Michael: So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Ryan an iPod.
 
Kevin: Should we just keep opening up the presents?
Dwight: We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions.
Michael: I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.
Jim: What is Yankee Swap?
Michael: One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift.
Jim: I thought that was called Nasty Christmas.
Pam: Yeah, we call it White Elephant.
Michael: Well, I call it fun!
Oscar: Why are we doing this?
Michael: Because it's better. Because it's more special.
Angela: It sounds mean.
Michael: Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot.
 
Angela: Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. [starts to cry]
 
Michael: Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt.
Meredith: I'll take the teapot.
Jim: Oh, shouldn't we ... I bought that specifically for Pam.
Michael: Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now.
Pam: I'll take the iPod.
Ryan: And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice?
Dwight: Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift.
Stanley: [after Ryan opens a new gift - a nameplate saying 'Kelly'] That was meant for Kelly.
Ryan: Yeah, I figured.
Michael: I think this is going great.
 
Kelly: [unwrapping the poster] Yikes.
Toby: Well, it's for Angela, so .. 
Kelly: That's like, the creepiest thing that I've ever seen.
Dwight: Angela, you're up.
Angela: I'll take the poster. Some people like these.
Kelly: I will steal the iPod.
 
Michael: Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.
 
Michael: Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn.
Oscar: I'll take the ... teapot.
Meredith: Damn it.
Dwight: Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go.
Meredith: I really want the iPod.
Dwight: It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else.
Michael: [holding oven mitt] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.
Meredith: I'll take the oven mitt.
Michael: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.
 
Michael: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.
 
Michael: [opens present] "In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute."
Dwight: You and me, Michael. Yes!
Michael: Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod?
Dwight: I never said it was better than an iPod.
 
Dwight: Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand.
 
Dwight: [shooting paintball gun at target] Take that, Saddam!
 
Michael: Last gift. Kevin.
Kevin: I want the foot bath.
 
Kevin: That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. [pauses] Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot.
 
Dwight: Pam, steal something or pick the final gift.
Pam: I want the iPod.
Kelly: Damn it.
Jim: Sure you don't want the teapot?
Pam: Well, I mean, it's an iPod. But .. 
Jim: Right.
Pam: Sorry, I .. 
Jim: No. No. Definitely. It's .. 
Kelly: Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories.
Dwight: Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias.
Jim: Got to be kidding me.
 
Dwight: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas.
 
Michael: [after Phyllis leaves suddenly] What is she so upset about?
Pam: Maybe because you hated her present so much.
Michael: Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets.
Jim: Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people.
Stanley: And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else.
Michael: Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!
Oscar: You got a bonus check?
Pam: How much?
Michael: It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000.
Stanley: All right, I'm done now.
 
Michael: Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.
 
Liquor Store Clerk: It comes to $166.41.
Michael: All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Liquor Store Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.
Michael: Cool, cool. Box it up.
 
Jim: I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it?
Dwight: No trades.
Jim: Come on, it's a shamrock keychain. Good luck.
Dwight: "A real man makes his own luck." Billy Zane. Titanic.
Jim: Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you?
Dwight: No. I want it. I'm going to use it.
Jim: You don't even drink tea.
Dwight: True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems .. 
JIm: Okay .. 
Dwight: .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. [demonstrates]
 
Jim: To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it's a little too much to handle.
 
Roy: This is awesome.
Pam: I know. It's totally going to change the way I work out.
Roy: Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money.
Pam: So what are you going to get me instead?
Roy: I don't know. Probably like, a sweater or something.
 
Michael: Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty.
Angela: What is that?
Michael: This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze.
Meredith: We can drink?
Toby: We're really not supposed to serve alcohol.
Michael: Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink?
Meredith: Me. Please.
Michael: Go, here we go!
 
Meredith: The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week.
 
Phyllis: Hi guys.
Ryan: Hey.
Phyllis: Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?
 
Roy: I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man.
Darryl: Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I'm done.
Roy: It's possible. I can't believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man.
Darryl: I had to. I needed defense.
Roy: Come on! Shaun Alexander? He's the best back in the league.
Darryl: It's defense.
Roy: Oh, no. That is not worth it. 
Darryl: It is worth it.
Roy: Never.
Darryl: Are you kidding? You wait.
 
Michael: Anybody making out in here? [checks hallway] Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. [takes picture of Jim] Okay, how's it going in here? [takes picture of Meredith and Kevin]
Ryan: We're running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some?
Angela: There should be some .. 
Michael: No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party.
 
Phyllis, Meredith, Michael, Kevin: One, two, three. [do a shot]
Michael: Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee.
Ryan: Oh, no.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ryan: I really did not do anything.
Michael: Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend.
 
Jim: You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know.
Pam: [laughs] No, I was just checking out my present. [holds up teapot]
Jim: But .. 
Pam: I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so .. 
Jim: Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside.
Pam: [opens teapot] Oh my god! The yearbook picture!
 
Pam: Yeah, I think I made the right choice.
 
Pam: Oh, my God! It's incredible. [Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it] Is this the Boggle timer?
Jim: I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't.
 
Dwight: This is so awesome.
Michael: Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to.
Dwight: Thank you.
Michael: You're welcome.
Todd Packer: [grabbing Michael around the neck] Merry Christmas, asswipe!
Michael: No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!
Todd Packer: [rapping] What's up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants]
Michael: Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake.
Todd Packer: Pacman need a drinky.
Michael: Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up.
 
Kevin: [listening to music through headphones] Yeahhh.
 
Michael: Darryl. There you go. [hands him the Santa hat] You earned it.
Darryl: That's okay, Mike.
Michael: No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it.
Darryl: All right. Thanks, man.
Michael: Hey, Merry Christmas.
 
Ryan: [looking at Xeroxed butt pictures] Whose butt is that?
Kevin: Mine.
Ryan: Oh, how did I not guess that?
 
Michael: [coming out of his office] Lampshade on head! It's happening!
 
Creed: [as Jim decorates a passed out Todd Packer] Oh, no.
 
Kelly: Hey.
Dwight: Oh, hello there. [Kelly leans up and kisses him] But what are you doing?
Kelly: I don't know.
Dwight: You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that.
 
Kevin: Thanks for the party, Michael.
Meredith: Yeah.
Bob Vance: Oh, hey. Listen up. We're going to Poor Richard's. Who's in?
Oscar: I'm in.
Dwight: Yes.
Oscar: Michael? Poor Richard's?
Michael: Yeah, that sounds good.
 
Michael: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.
 
Michael: Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's? 
Meredith: Yep.
Michael: Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? [Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture] All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat?
Meredith: Yeah.
Michael: Okay!
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Oscar: Towards me.
Creed: Okay.
Oscar: Towards me. That's good, towards me. Towards me. Towards me, towards me. Okay, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good.
Creed: Okay, okay. [gasping]
Oscar: Creed.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Michael: Remember on that animated special when they taught the uh, the monster to put the star on top? That's Dwight. Dwight's the monster that we taught to put the star on top of the tree. You take his teeth out, and he could put the star on top of the tree.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Pam: Do you want me to help you with that?
Phyllis: Yeah.
 
Michael: Phyllis and Angela and Meredith are helpers. I guess Angela's kind of... Angela's little. Phyllis and Meredith are not little. Pam is sort of a medium helper.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Dwight: Okay. Christmas lights? Good. Tinsel? Good. Star? Good.
 
Michael: Dwight is... Dwight looks like Spock to me. He always wears the ears, and I always give him grief about looking like Spock, and he hates it because he has a different pair of ears that he wears to be Spock, for some reason.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Dwight: Question, Pam. Is Roy coming to the party?
Pam: Yes.
Dwight: Okay, well, you didn't tell me that. Now, he will not be allowed in unless we register him on this list.
Pam: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Do I look like I'm kidding? [Pam shakes her head 'no'] Phyllis, stag, I assume.
Phyllis: I'm bringing someone.
Dwight: Really?
 
Phyllis: I invited someone to the party. Bob Vance. He works at Vance Refrigeration next door. That's how we met. [whispers] He's my boyfriend.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Dwight: Everyone, please remain calm until we receive further instructions.
Pam: Just let us open up the presents, Dwight.
Dwight: Absolutely... not.
 
Dwight: What separates humans from jungle beasts? The fact that we have rules. When humans give each other gifts, they do it properly and orderly. When bears give each other gifts they just rip open a fox carcass and present it to their mate. I prefer the human way.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Oscar: Man, I really wanted that. I really wanted the shower radio, too.
Michael: Well, thank God you didn't steal my oven mitt. And Oscar, you little gourmand, your turn.
Oscar: I'll take the tea pot.
Meredith: Damn it.
Kelly: So, I guess, you really didn't want the shower radio that bad. No, I just like tea.
Oscar: No, I just like tea.
 
Kelly: I don't know why Oscar didn't like the gift. I know he wanted a shower radio. I mean, I totally remember him telling me that he wanted one.
Oscar: Kelly had me last year, too, and she gave me the same exact thing. I only have one shower.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Michael: Oscar, paint ball pellets.
Oscar: I guess I'll take the last gift. Cool.
Pam: It was supposed to be for Meredith, 'cause she said she likes my drawings.
Meredith: Thanks. I wish I could've had it. Do you wanna trade?
Michael: Yeah. Like anybody would want an oven mitt. [Phyllis gets up and leaves the party]
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Toby: So, hey, you wanna trade?
Kelly: Yes, totally, 'cause I was just gonna throw this out anyway.
Toby: Really? You were gonna throw out a book?
Kelly: Mmm-hmm.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Kevin: [Rap music playing] [singing] The time is now, the place is here And the whole wide world is filled with cheer My name's DMC with the mike in my hand And I'm chilling and cooling just like a snow man 
Darryl: Yeah.
Kevin: [singing] So open eyes Lend us an ear We wanna say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year [Darryl whooping] Yeah.
 
Kevin: I'm the DJ because I really know how to heat up a party.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Dwight: I do enjoy a drink now and again, but tonight, no. I am also an officer of the law and I'm unofficially on the clock. I need to stay sober and alert. Also, on a personal note, I'm not at my best when I drink.
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
Ryan: I actually got that for you. I had you originally.
Toby: Oh, cool. It looks really interesting. What did you end up with? [Ryan pulls Creed's old coat out of a bag] Sorry.
Ryan: I didn't want anything else, so I figured at least I could give it to a homeless guy.
Toby: Christmas.
Ryan: Yeah, Christmas.
 
Deleted Scene 13
 
Oscar: What did you end up with?
Creed: Your shower radio.
Oscar: You like music at least?
Creed: I love it. I actually used to have a radio show back in the '70s.
Oscar: You're kidding. What was your DJ name?
Creed: Whacky-weed Creed.
 
Oscar: Turns out that Creed is a pretty interesting guy.
 
Deleted Scene 14
 
Angela: You behaved very badly tonight.
Kelly: Sorry?
 
Michael: See, that's what Christmas is all about to me, is when you see someone open a gift and you think, "Man, I wish I got that." I mean, that's just such a great feeling, to watch other people envying a gift that you gave to somebody else. I don't know, it's just... I don't know, just makes you kind of feel good.

Jim: Hey.
Dwight: Hello. Jim?
Jim: What's up, buddy?
Dwight: This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?
Jim: Wow, that's weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good.
Dwight: Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy.
Jim: Who, Steve?
Dwight: Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is.
Pam: Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh, it's a pencil cup.
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup.
Pam: Um, I don't think so, I just bought it.
Dwight: Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me.
Pam: I love these.
Dwight: Okay, fine. Where's my wallet?
Jim: Oh, there it is. J1.
Dwight: But I don't have any... 
Jim: Here, you know what? You can have some nickels.
Dwight: [putting quarters in] Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five... 
 
Michael: Hello, everyone.
Dwight: Good morning, Michael.
Phyllis: Where are we going this afternoon?
Michael: Ah! Ha ha ha!
 
Pam: Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo.
Jim: "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
Pam: A ski mask and a swimsuit.
Jim: So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers.
Pam: And brush our teeth.
 
Michael: Yeah?
Stanley: Michael.
Michael: Stanley! Bo banley.
Stanley: I need to know... 
Michael: Banana fana fo fanley.
Stanley: What we're doing.
Michael: Be my mo manley.
Stanley: You said bring a toothbrush.
Michael: Stanley.
Stanley: Is this an overnight?
Michael: Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it?
Stanley: Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow?
Michael: Maybe, I don't know.
Stanley: Not maybe. Yes or no.
Michael: Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack.
Stanley: In January?
Michael: It's cheaper.
 
Michael: This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.
 
Michael: It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise!
Meredith: All right!
Ryan: I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that?
Michael: No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan.
Ryan: I'm already in business school.
Michael: Well, this... 
Kelly: Wait, Michael?
Michael: Yeah?
Kelly: Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?
Michael: To throw you off the scent.
Kelly: Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit.
Michael: Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.
Kelly: I took the tags off already.
Michael: Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, "Who is this smart little cookie?" Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.
 
Michael: I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.
 
Michael: Leader... ship. The word "ship" is hidden inside the word "leadership," as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork!
 
Oscar: Last year, Michael's theme was "Bowl over the Competition!" So guess where we went.
 
Michael: Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone?
Darryl: How about the sales department is the sails?
Michael: Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace.
Phyllis: A furnace?
Jim: Yeesh, how old is this ship?
Pam: How about the anchor?
Phyllis: What does the furnace do?
Michael: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands!
Jim: I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael: Titanic?
Pam: I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
Michael: No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on!
 
Jim: Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.
 
Phyllis: Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.
Michael: No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse.
Darryl: What?
Michael: The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship.
Dwight: Aye aye, Captain.
 
Michael: [singing] A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.
 
Michael: Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. [to Kelly] Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... [to Stanley] We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan.
Dwight: Cool.
Captain Jack: Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan.
Michael: I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party.
Captain Jack: I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. [to boarding passengers] Hi, welcome aboard.
Michael: Okay.
 
Michael: In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose.
 
Michael: Hey, look! I'm king of the world!
 
Captain Jack: Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack.
Michael: And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome!
Captain Jack: Okay! So... 
Michael: Okay! So... 
Captain Jack: Please. The life preservers.
Michael: Right.
Captain Jack: They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat.
Michael: But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight.
Captain Jack: Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the side. [Dwight laughs loudly.] Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We're gonna get it going in just a few minutes here... 
Michael: I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna... 
Captain Jack: Okay, Michael, if you don't mind... 
Michael: Rock it!
Captain Jack: Please, okay? 
Michael: If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'!
Captain Jack: Michael.
Michael: Yep.
Captain Jack: Your company's employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay?
Michael: We're all gonna have a good time tonight!
Captain Jack: Why don't you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right?
Michael: Hm? Okay. Yep.
 
Katy: You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table. Right?
Roy: Yeah.
Katy: Pam, were you a cheerleader?
Roy: No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything!
Katy: That's hilarious.
Jim: It's not hilarious, but... 
Roy: Where did you go to school?
Katy: Bishop O'Hara.
Roy: Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them, didn't you?
Jim: Um, no.
Katy: Yes, I did! [chanting] A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
Roy: I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10!
 
Michael: Having fun?
Brenda: Yeah. Everybody's really nice.
Michael: Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers.
Brenda: When are you going to start the presentation?
Michael: Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support.
Captain Jack: Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo!
Michael: So, okay.
Dwight: Limbo, whoo!
Captain Jack: All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who's it gonna be?
Meredith: Me.
Captain Jack: Okay... 
Dwight: Me! Me, me, me.
Captain Jack: Uh... usually it's a woman.
Dwight: I'm stronger.
Captain Jack: Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight?
 
Captain Jack: Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. I'm counting on you!
 
Dwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
 
Captain Jack: All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest!
Michael: But before that, I have to do my presentation.
Captain Jack: Nope! Dance contest!
Michael: All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate! 
 
Michael: Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.
 
Dwight: [singing] What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Angela: Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Dwight: I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?!
 
Darryl and Katy: [chanting] Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot!
Roy: Whoo! Who's next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on!
Pam: No, I'm not going to do that.
Roy: Come on!
Darryl: That's what I'm talking about!
Pam: Hey, why don't we find like a quieter place to hang out?
Roy: I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! [chanting] Darryl! Darryl!
 
Pam: It's getting kind of rowdy down there.
Jim: Yeah. [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!
Pam: Sometimes I just don't get Roy.
Jim: Well... 
Pam: I mean, I don't know. So... what's it like dating a cheerleader?
Jim: Oh, um... [A long silence.]
Pam: I'm cold.
 
Captain Jack: So, what's this presentation all about?
Michael: Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save?
Captain Jack: Women and children.
Michael: No, no. Salesmen and profit centers.
Captain Jack: That's a stupid analogy.
Michael: Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership.
Captain Jack: Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm.
Dwight: Wow. You should be the motivational speaker.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour.
 
Katy: I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?
Pam: Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So... you don't wanna ask my advice.
 
Captain Jack: Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save?
Jim: Um... let's see, uh... The customer. Because the customer is king.
Michael: Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.
Captain Jack: He's just sucking up! 
Roy: When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die?
Captain Jack: Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her.
 
Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.
 
Roy: Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important, and... Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam!
 
Michael: I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you?
Roy: No, it was Captain Jack.
Michael: Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great!
Captain Jack: We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship!
Michael: Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!
Pam: No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there.
Michael: Then I'll give you away!
Pam: No, thank you.
 
Katy: Do you think that'll ever be us?
Jim: No.
Katy: What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?
Jim: I don't know. Let's break up.
Katy: Whoa. What?
 
Captain Jack: This is where Captain Jack drives the boat.
Meredith: Wow!
 
Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon.
Michael: Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication.
Brenda: Really? What?
Michael: Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a... 
Captain Jack: Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here?
Michael: It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about.
 
Michael: I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.
 
Michael: Is somebody there?
Jim: What happened to you?
Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim: Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking?
Michael: He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.
Jim: What a night.
Michael: Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
Jim: She was always engaged.
Michael: Roy said the first one didn't count.
Jim: That's... great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so... 
Michael: Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan... 
Jim: Yeah, I know.
Michael: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim: Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm. And she's just... well, anyway.
Michael: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
Jim: She's engaged.
Michael: BFD. Engaged ain't married.
Jim: Huh.
Michael: Never, ever, ever give up.
 
Dwight: Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore.
Michael: It's a fake wheel, dummy.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Phyllis: Are you all packed?
Kelly: Yes, I brought my duffel bag and a sleeping bag.
Oscar: Where do you guys think we're going?
Kelly: Definitely some place you can swim.
Oscar: Right.
Phyllis: Maybe Florida.
Kelly: Did you hear something?
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Michael: [knocking] Yeah.
Jan: Hello, Michael.
Michael: Hello. 
Jan: Can we come in?
Michael: Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jan: Thank you very much.
Michael: Have a seat.
Jan: Brenda.
Michael: Oh, every man's dream.
Jan: Oh, really? A surprise visit from his boss?
Michael: Two ladies at once. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, you heard something. Um, yeah, it's a booze cruise, but it... There's more to the story than that. It...
Jan: A booze cruise? What do you mean?
Michael: Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme...
Jan: Michael, we discussed the IRS's regulations.
Michael: Yeah, I don't even know why I said booze cruise. I don't even think there's booze on the boat.
Jan: Okay, this event has to have legitimate business content to be tax deductible.
Michael: Of course.
Jan: We discussed that.
Michael: Of course, of course. Yes. Yes. Look, I have a whole program planned. Jan, this program is going to change people's lives. I am going to be dropping serious knowledge all over the boat.
Jan: Good. This is Brenda Matlow from corporate training.
Michael: Hello.
Jan: I thought she could attend tonight, and if your event is appropriate, you could give it to other branches.
Michael: Oh, cool. Cool. And maybe you could attend tonight and then you could stay over at my house for the night. Awkward. That's... You know what. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.
Michael: Really? You seriously said that? Okay. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?
Brenda: Sure...
Jan: Brenda.
Michael: Thanks.
Brenda: I mean, no.
Jan: Okay, you know, I'm gonna go now, and...
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jan: Good luck, Brenda.
Michael: I'll see you later.
Jan: Okay, see you later. And try to be professional.
Michael: I'll call you later.
Jan: No, that's all right.
Michael: That's like...
Jan: You call me if you need anything, Brenda.
Michael: I'll call you, too. [to Brenda] So. You are probably gonna get carded, so I can make you a fake ID. We have a laminating machine.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Michael: What is a sales department? Oscar, what do you think?
Oscar: I don't know what the categories are of workers on a boat.
Michael: I'm not giving you the answer. Deck hands is one. And...
Dwight: Oh, oh, can I be the first mate?
Michael: No, I'm first mate. You're second mate. I'm first mate, as the captain.
Pam: How about the anchor?
Michael: Well, the anchor is the only thing that kind of slows the ship down. Toby is the anchor. Oh, God. He, well... [to Brenda] Tell you about Toby later, he's awful.
Brenda: Yeah, I know Toby from Jan's birthday.
Toby: Hey, Brenda. 
Michael: Oh, hey, Toby. So... It's an analogy. 
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: [Toby running to get on the cruise] Hey! What's wrong with you? You missed the boat.
Toby: I got lost.
Michael: Idiot.
Captain Jack: We can go back.
Michael: No, no, no. That's his punishment for not being here on time. Too bad, anchor!
Toby: I guess I shouldn't have stopped for dinner.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Dwight: On the high seas, Captain Jack is the leader. On the land it's Michael. On the ramp up to the boat, I was a bit conflicted. But now that I'm here, I'll follow Captain Jack to hell and back.
 
Dwight: Hey, Captain Jack, what kind of fish they got in this lake?
Captain Jack: Perch, bass.
Dwight: You know, my grandfather told me there was a monster here that eats Catholics. Have you heard...
Captain Jack: I haven't heard that, Dwight.
Dwight: If the hull is breached for any reason or the boat is overtaken, I am a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy, and you can count on me.
Captain Jack: That's good to know, Dwight. Thanks.
Michael: Your problem now, Captain Jack.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Michael: Hey. You know what the best way of studying is?
Ryan: At home, not on a boat?
Michael: Flash cards.
Ryan: Flash cards. Doesn't really help me right now because I'm on a boat.
Michael: You are gonna get seasick if you keep reading in here.
Ryan: Well...
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Captain Jack: Yeah! All right. All right. That was awesome. All right, looks like the guitar player's gonna take a little break. So this'd be a great time to head on over to the taco bar. All right.
Michael: That is a great way to kill this party. Not on my watch. Let's, uh,... Let's rock. Let's rock some stuff here, okay? [playing badly] Okay... I'm hearing a little too much reverb. [feedback echoing] Can we down the reverb? All right. Follow my lead. [playing Smoke on the Water] Does you guys know that? Take the bass. Take the drums. What?
Creed: Do you want me to give it a shot? Just...
Michael: You know what? I don't think it's in...
Creed: I...
Michael: That's not in tune. I don't know if you can...
Creed: I don't know, let's try.
Michael: ...make much of out of it, Creed. Good luck to you. I don't know. It is a defective ax, my friend. 
Creed: All right.
Michael: Good luck.
Creed: Guys, E, blues. Follow me, okay? [playing well]
Roy: Yeah!
 
Creed: Back in the '60s, I was with the Grass Roots. We toured with Janis Joplin, The Doors, Cream. We had a lot of fun, And now I do quality assurance for a paper company. As you can imagine, drugs played a part. They still do. My work calls last about 90 seconds, and that's about as long as I can concentrate.
 
Michael: Those slide moves are just bush league. I hope I die before I'm old.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Ryan: [throwing up]
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Darryl: [speaking Spanish] Por favor, tequila seoor.
Angela: I think you've had enough.
Darryl: What you say, bitch? You know, you might be right. 
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Pam: You've been to the lake before?
Roy: Yes, I have. [kisses Pam]
Roy: Should have done it a long time ago.
Pam: Yes, you should have.
Roy: I do what's right whenever I figure it out. I love you, babe.
Pam: Love you.
 
Katy: You should make a toast.
Jim: No, I really don't want to.
Katy: Jim, come on, don't be shy.
Katy: Everybody, everybody? There is a toast. Come on...
Michael: Yeah! Toast!
Katy: Yeah, toast! Toast! Toast!
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: Come on.
Jim: Thanks, Katy. Um, didn't really prepare anything to say. We're all caught pretty unprepared with this whirlwind courtship. I guess I just wanna say that Pam is the greatest. My best friend. And she's awesome. And...
Dwight: Okay, okay. My turn, my turn. Is this thing on? Uh, I want to congratulate the happy couple. You know, they say that marriage is an institution. And I say, who wants to be in an institution?
Michael: That's my line! That's my line, That's... I always say that at weddings. So I'll just think of something else to say. I... [band starts playing]
Katy: Cheers.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Michael: Hey, Jim. You got a hat?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Thanks.
 
Deleted Scene 12 (from NBC.com)
 
Phyllis: [to Angela] So this is...
Stanley: [storms out of Michael's office] Well, we're not going to Florida.
Phyllis: Oh. Someplace with a pool, then?
Stanley: [gives Phyllis a look]

Michael: Jim, could you come in here please?
Harvey: Hi, Jim.
Jim: Hello.
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael: Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Jim: Yeah, you can.
Michael: You know what? Get Pam.
Jim: For this?
Michael: Pam.
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.
Pam: Great.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Michael: Oh, that is gross.
Pam: Who is 'Long Tim'?
Michael: Damn it.
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
Jim: Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he?
Pam: I would love to meet Long Tim.
Jim: Yeah. Right?
Pam: Yeah. 
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive. 
Jim: Ok.
Pam: Ok. Bye Harvey.
Harvey: Boobs.
 
Kevin: Angela.
Angela: What?
Kevin: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?
Angela: They arrived this morning.
Kevin: Are you sure? It is a big deal.
Angela: Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?
Kevin: ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.
 
Andy: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river.
 
Angela: Everything ok? [Takes candy from Pam's desk]
Dwight: Everything is fine. You are in the clear.
Angela: Thank you. [Puts candy back] I... I don't want those.
 
Michael: Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you.
Andy: Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?
Michael: Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Andy: Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott.
Michael: Oh.
Andy: Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.
Michael: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you. 
Andy: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept. 
Michael: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.
Phyllis: We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen.
Karen: Oh, uh, thanks.
Michael: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.
Stanley: Pass.
Michael: You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.
Stanley: ... I'll take the kid.
 
Ryan: I am very flattered. I was his second choice after "Pass."
 
Michael: So that just leaves Dwight and Jim. 
Dwight: Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?
Jim: Yup. I'll trade. 
 
Jim: Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot. 
 
Andy: Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage. 
Michael: Dwight?
Dwight: Yup?
Michael: Here ya go. [throws laundry]
Dwight: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Michael: Please.
Andy: He does your laundry?
Michael: Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the "Amazing Race." [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?
Karen: Wait, "Amazing Race" like, the biggest sale wins?
Michael: No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back. 
Ryan: Is there a prize?
Michael: Just bragging rights.
Phyllis: Then how is this "Amazing Race"?
Michael: It's just... brrrrrr... It's "Amazing Race," Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it.
Dwight: Come on!!
Phyllis: Michael. [Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.]
Michael: Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!
Andy: Bueno.
Phyllis: Do you have a pole?
Karen: Let's go get a broom.
 
Jim: Seriously? You're going to sit in the back?
Dwight: Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first. 
 
Michael: Here we go. 
 
Andy: In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down. 
 
Andy: What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
Michael: Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment. 
Andy: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder. 
 
Angela: Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee?
Pam: Really?
Angela: Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun. 
Pam: Ok. Sure. 
Angela: Ok. 
 
Karen: Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon? 
Phyllis: Um-hmmm.
 
Ryan: Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after? 
Stanley: You want the lead?
Ryan: Yeah, if you don't mind. 
Stanley: Mind? Nothing would delight me more.
 
Dwight: Leave the keys.
Jim: You still do that thing?
Dwight: Leave the keys!
 
Andy: I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know? 
Michael: Hawkman.
 
Andy: My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons. 
Michael: [Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting. 
 
Jim: After you sir. 
Dwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear. 
Jim: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front. 
Dwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... [Jim slaps Dwight]
 
Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time. 
Angela: This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot. 
Pam: That's great. 
Angela: Yes, it is. [Walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello?
 
Michael: Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?
Buyer: Yep. 
Michael: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big. 
Andy: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once. 
Michael: You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency. 
Andy: Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York. 
Buyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past. 
Michael: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company. 
Andy: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry. 
Michael: No. 
Andy: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree. 
Michael: Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder] Stop it. 
Andy: Ow. 
 
Newpeat Quote
 
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [excited] This is Pam. I did?
 
Andy: Oh man. Talk about your classic "Lame dash O." Do we even want that guy buying our paper?
Michael: Yes. 
 
Andy: I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up. 
Michael: Ah, no. Don't worry about it. 
Andy: I really 'Schruted' it. 
Michael: What?
Andy: 'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?
Michael: I don't know. Who knows how words are formed. 
 
Phyllis: It's a big order. Thanks Kenny. 
Karen: Yeah, thank you. 
Phyllis: Hey, how's Annie?
Kenny: Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?
 
Julius: Stanley Hudson. 
Stanley: Ah, Julius, how's it goin'?
Julius: Great, great, great. 
Guy: Stanley.
Stanley: So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard. 
Ryan: Hi. 
Stanley: I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?
Ryan: Um... [To the Buyers] Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. 
Julius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?
Ryan: Oh... 
 
Jim: We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser. 
Man: 'Kay. 'Kay.
Dwight: Can I use your phone?
Man: Yeah, sure, go ahead. 
Dwight: Thanks. 
Jim: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked. 
Dwight: [On Phone] One... 
Jim: We have discount prices on ink cartridges... 
Dwight: Three... 
Jim: And, also, any forms that you are going to need... 
Dwight: Seven... 
Jim: We can custom make them. 
 
Newpeat Quote
 
Pam: Yeah I did a watercolor of Frances Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won! My painting won. So I like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And I'd like to thank the sixth grade class that picked me.
 
Newpeat Quote
 
Pam: Hey Kev, guess what. I won an art contest today.
Kevin: How much did you win?
Pam: $100.
Kevin: I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night.
Pam: Cool. Congratulations.
Kevin: Thanks, so sweet.
 
Stanley: Ha ha ha! And you just said, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old! 
 
Man: We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys. 
Dwight: Sure. 
Jim: Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?
Man: It's very. 
Phone: Please keep holding, your call is very important to us. 
Dwight: Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time. 
Jim: [Dials cell Phone] And this is Dunder-Mifflin. 
Kelly: Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.
Jim: Hey, Kelly, it's Jim. 
Kelly: Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . [Jim hangs up]
Dwight: Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays. 
Man: All right, I get it. We got a deal. 
Jim: Thanks. 
 
Newpeat Quote
 
Pam: Hey, Angela. I got good news today too. I won an art contest.
Angela: That's great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens.
Pam: Oh.
Angela: I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash.
Pam: Oh?
Angela: Mmm-hmm.
Pam: Hmm. I don't think so. But thanks. My building manager... is... You understand.
Angela: Well then. Have a nice day.
 
Karen: Thanks. That was fun. 
Phyllis: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person. 
Karen: Thank you. 
Phyllis: I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her. 
Karen: That's nice. 
Phyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover. 
 
Andy: Hey boss. Got a minute?
Michael: Yes, Andy.
Andy: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?
Michael: He didn't say.
Andy: That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?
Michael: No, you are remembering it wrong. 
 
Michael: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three. 
 
Dwight: I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent. 
Jim: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence. 
Dwight: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys. 
Jim: We should go on a double date.
Dwight: No thank you. 
 
Jan: Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax. Not yours, Inc."
Michael: I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in]
Andy: Oh, doggie. 
 
Karen: Hey, do you want to grab a coffee?
Jim: Sure. Look at you!
Karen: Yeah.
 
Newpeat Quote
 
Jim: Beesley, coffee?
Pam: No, thanks. I had some already.
Jim: All right.
Pam: Oh, but, hey, Jim.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: I won an art contest today.
Jim: No way! All right Pam. Congratulations. [high five]
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: Which one was it?
Pam: I sent in one of my watercolors.
Jim: Cool.
Pam: It was the new one I did.
Jim: Oh
Karen: You ready Jim?
Jim: Yeah. Can I see it when I get back?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Congratulations.
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: Big deal.
 
Dwight: Hey, we nailed the sale!
Michael: Where were you this morning?
Dwight: I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow. 
Michael: Why do you lie, liar?
Dwight: I am not a liar. 
Michael: You are lying right now. 
Andy: It sure seems like he is lying.
Dwight: Stay out of this, you!
Michael: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing. 
Dwight: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company. 
Michael: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight: That's what she said. 
Michael: Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day. 
 
Dwight: It's going to be ok.
Angela: How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.
Dwight: That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan. 
Angela: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world. 
Dwight: Well, I don't have a lot of choices. 
 
Karen: So, let me ask you a question.
Jim: Ok.
Karen: Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Jim: Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something? 
Karen: I moved here from Connecticut... 
Jim: Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay?
Karen: 'Kay.
 
Dwight: Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... .
 
Andy: Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp. 
 
Dwight: I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this. 
Michael: Good luck.
 
Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed. 
 
Angela: Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had. 
 
Dwight: One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered. 
 
Jim: Hey man. [Dwight hugs Jim and leaves]
Karen: What happened on your sales call?
 
Andy: Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... [camera had focused in on Angela watching] Hello? Pretty good. 

Dwight: I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting.
 
Dwight: For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.
 
Dwight: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. 
 
Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable. 
 
Dwight: There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon. 
 
Dwight: [in Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over.
 
Andy: [to Ryan] Big Turkey. [cellphone plays "Rockin' Robin"] 
Jim: Is that you singing?
Andy: All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.
Jim: Nice job.
Andy: Thank you muchly. [cellphone continues playing]
Jim: You gonna answer it?
Andy: I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.
Jim: Yikes.
Andy: Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you.
Jim: Thank you.
Andy: I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. [sings] Andy and the tuna...
 
Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
 
Michael: Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover.
Andy: The cost of doing business. 
Michael: Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman... 
Andy: Was the top salesman...
Michael: I said 'was'.
Andy: [chuckles] Addition by subtraction.
Michael: What does that even mean? That is impossible.
Andy: Mmmm. Yeah you're right.
Michael: But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits.
 
Oscar: Hey, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?
Oscar: Oh, that's very funny.
Kevin: Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left.
Oscar: [sits at his desk] Hi, Angela.
Angela: Oscar. 
 
Andy: Hey, boss. 
Michael: Hey, what's up.
Andy: Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?
Michael: Yep.
Andy: Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my "Lost" on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out?
Michael: I don't know. Maybe.
Andy: Well, I will take that as a maybe. [Michael gets up] Where are you going?
Michael: Bathroom. 
Andy: Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you.
 
Andy: [lurking by the bathroom door] Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss. 
 
Angela: Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?
Oscar: The one of all women?
Angela: Yeah.
Oscar: Because I'm gay?
Angela: No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. [starts to cry] And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations.
Oscar: OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's -- thank you.
Angela: Thank you. [sniffles]
Kevin: Can I join too?
Angela: Never. 
 
Staples Guy: You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.
Dwight: [scoffs] Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.
 
Michael: Wow. [walks over to the plant] What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Pam: Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?
Michael: Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.
Pam: Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight.
Michael: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office. 
Andy: Feel ya, dawg.
Michael: Yeah, do you?
Andy: Absolutely. 
Michael: What did I say?
Andy: You said... [makes gibberish noises]
Michael: Huh. 
Andy: Which is like, "Right on." And Pam was like "blah blah blah" and you were like "Yeah, psht." Nailed it. 
Michael: Oh, no.
Andy: Oh, no. 
 
MIchael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me." I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.
 
Oscar: I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.
Michael: No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific. 
Oscar: Michael --
Michael: No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Oscar: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe.
Michael: Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one. 
 
Dwight: Need any help?
Lady: Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking.
Dwight: Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
Lady: Okay. [moves away]
 
Andy: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. [fake casts off] Whizzzzz. [catches Jim] Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. [Jim gets up] Cli -- ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh!
 
Jim: Hey.
Karen: Hey.
Jim: So Andy is in rare form today. 
Karen: Yeah, you should not encourage him.
Jim: Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something.
Karen: Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't.
Jim: Fine. Party pooper.
 
Michael: Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep. 
 
Andy: 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! ["displays" Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed]
 
Jim: Hey, Ryan? 
Ryan: What?
Jim: You wanna pull a prank on Andy?
Ryan: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.
Jim: I liked you better when you were the temp.
Ryan: Yeah, me too. 
 
Michael: Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay?
Phyllis: Sort of. He had a lot of clients.
Michael: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight? 
Stanley: Oh, sure, we talk all the time.
Michael: Really?
Stanley: No.
Michael: Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.
Phyllis: No. Sorry.
 
Phyllis: Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive.
 
Paris: Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell.
Dwight: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Paris: So um, where were you workin' before this?
Dwight: Dunder-Mifflin.
Paris: What kind of company is that?
Dwight: [scoffs] Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area. 
Paris: I never heard of 'em.
Dwight: Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?
Paris: You gonna be like that, huh?
 
Paris: I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter. 
 
Andy: [singing] In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed.
Jim: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
Pam: Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of -- yes please.
Jim: Okay, good. Stay right here. 
Andy: [after Jim knocks over his pencils] Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one.
Jim: [hands Pam Andy's phone] Are there any messages?
Pam: Nope.
Jim: So weird.
Pam: [takes the phone] Hmm.
 
Michael: Nice to have Oscar back.
Angela: Yeah.
 
Andy: Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?
Jim: No.
Andy: Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call. 
 
Pam: Angela?
Angela: Oh. [hands Pam tape]
Pam: Is everything okay?
Angela: No.
 
Andy: What's going on?
Jim: What are you talking about?
Andy: Where is my FREAKING phone?!
Jim: You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.
Andy: Maybe you're in the ceiling!
Jim: Okay.
Andy: [trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut] I don't trust you, Phyllis!
 
Angela: I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me.
Michael: Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.
Angela: Yes.
Michael: Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?
Angela: None of them. Especially not Andy.
 
Michael: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?
Michael: Um.
Andy: Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own.
Michael: No. I don't want to do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that. 
Michael: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy's phone rings] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. [punches a hole in the wall] That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay. 
 
Dwight: [to customer] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you.
Michael: Hey. 
Dwight: Hey.
Michael: What's up?
Dwight: Same old. 
Michael: Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did. 
Dwight: Oh my God, she told you?
Michael: Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.
Dwight: Accepted.
Michael: How's this place treating you?
Dwight: [scoffs] The boss isn't funny. 
Michael: Oh, well.
Dwight: I don't get to wear my ties. 
Michael: No. I'm sure.
Dwight: So?
Michael: So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please. 
Dwight: I don't want to do your laundry anymore. 
Michael: We can talk about that. [Dwight high fives Michael] All right.
 
Jim: [inspecting the hole in the wall] Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall.
Pam: I think we broke his brain. [they both snicker]
Jim: [imitating Andy] "It's not freakin' funny!"
 
Angela: Are you enjoying your fiesta?
Oscar: Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out -- [Angela walks away] it's great.
Michael: Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Everybody: Yay. [scattered appalause]
Angela: Welcome back.
Dwight: Thank you.
Michael: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh?
Dwight: You did this for me? [camera pans to "Welcome Back Oscar" sign]
Michael: Guilty.
 
Creed: Oh... Where did you get this stuff? 
Meredith: Gerty's. 
Creed: Which aisle? 
Meredith: I don't remember. 
Creed: Well, draw me a map, mama.
 
Michael: Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours. 
Pam: No, I will not.
 
Michael: So does this remind you of your childhood right now? 
Oscar: It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase. 
Michael: Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's-- thanks so much.
 
Jim: Hey.
Karen: [sighs] Do you still have feelings for her?
Jim: [long pause and then he sighs and nods] Yes.
 
Michael: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him]
Dwight: Oh, man. [Kevin starts to put a blindfold on] No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! [beats up pinata]
 
Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.
 
Andy: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. [gets out of his car] This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so.
Marcy: Oh, hi. You must be Andy.
Andy: Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy!
Marcy: That's right, it's so good to meet you. 
Andy: It's so good to meet you!
Marcy: Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun?
Andy: Yeah.

Michael: Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road---
Dwight: How do you know it's going to be a boy?
Michael: How, would you stop interrupting please?
 
Michael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.
 
Michael: Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to. 
 
Michael: To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever. 
Dwight: [Shakes head]
 
Michael: Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.
Pam: What?
Michael: We will demonstrate on Pam.
Pam: No. No. [Leaves]
Michael: Come on.
 
Michael: [Dwight is wearing a bra] You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Dwight: Ow.
Michael: Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam.
 
Michael: And remember no matter what, I will always love you.
Dwight: What if he's a murderer?
Michael: He's not going to be a murderer.
Dwight: Maybe that's how you die.
Michael: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?
Dwight: I want to do this.
Michael: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Dwight: Action.
 
Michael: Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. [Applause] So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.
 
Jim: Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
 
Michael: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
 
Michael: I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat.
 
Michael: What's up spinsters? 
Angela: Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.
Michael: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys. 
 
Karen: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever.
 
Jim: Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights. 
 
Pam: Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.
 
Packer: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer.
Karen: Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend.
Packer: Shut up! 
Karen: Yep.
Packer: Shut it!
Karen: That's rude.
Packer: Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight!
Michael: Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! [Clutches chest and falls to the floor]
Packer: What happened?
Michael: Oh God-
Packer: Quick somebody help! Help the man! [Pretends to kick Michael]
Michael: No, no, no!
 
Michael: I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man.
Packer: I have a full day of sales calls.
Michael: You should get out of them.
Packer: [Breaks pencil.]
Michael: It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious.
Packer: And what kind of stripper did you get?
Michael: I did not order a stripper.
Packer: You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?
Michael: Um, not personally, no.
Packer: Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard.
Michael: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment.
Packer: Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal.
Michael: So that's what that means.
 
Michael: Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! [Spanks himself]
Dwight: Alright! Uh! [Spanks himself]
Michael: Gay.
Dwight: What?
Michael: Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: SHUT UP ANGELA!
 
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Ugh.
Jim: Ugh.
Pam: Everything okay?
Jim: Oh yeah. Why?
Pam: Well you seem a little tired.
Jim: Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking.
Pam: You should get more sleep.
Jim: Yeah, I know I should.
Pam: Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.
Jim: No, I'm sure you're right.
Pam: When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference.
Jim: Really?
Pam: Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not.
Jim: Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there.
Pam: Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. [Turning towards the vending machine] Oh my God.
 
Michael: Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Jim: Absolutely not.
Dwight: I'm on it.
Michael: Well get on it. And make it happen.
 
Dwight: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want-
Jim: Stop. That's disgusting.
Dwight: Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
Jim: Fine.
Dwight: I knew you would, Nancy.
Jim: Sally.
Dwight: No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette?
Jim: Blonde.
Dwight: Nice. Do you have any blonde women?
 
Michael: [Giggles.]
Ryan: He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.
Michael: [Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.] Gotcha, oh! [Phone rings.] Yes?
Jim: Are you okay?
Michael: I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop.
Jim: Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants.
Michael: Squarepants?
Jim: Yep, Spongebob Squarepants.
Michael: And you think that'd be sexy?
 
Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.
 
Ben Franklin: Hold the door please!
Michael: Oh.
Ben Franklin: Thank you.
Michael: Oh. Hello!
Ben Franklin: Hello!
Michael: You wearing a thong?
Ben Franklin: What?
 
Angela: Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam: I think that's champagne.
Angela: [Spits champagne back into her glass]
Michael: Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Ben Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Half pants, right Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes!
Michael: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
Ben Franklin: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
Michael: And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow.
Meredith: Wait, this is the entertainment?
Michael: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. [Points to Phyllis]
 
Jim: Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases. 
Jim: Yeah, me neither.
Elizabeth: Hey.
Jim: Hi.
Elizabeth: I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested.
Dwight: Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper.
Elizabeth: I'm the stripper.
Dwight: Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such.
Jim: [Phone rings] Oh God.
Dwight: [Reading the text message] Is she hot? Text back, "Kind of."
 
Ben Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight.
Karen: Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Yes?
Karen: Do you have a girlfriend?
Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah.
Pam: But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them?
Ben Franklin: Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening.
 
Michael: Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors. 
Ryan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael: No. Yes.
Ryan: Oh gross.
Michael: But I got all the foot off of it.
 
Pam: Okay Ben Franklin!
Karen: Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth!
Ben Franklin: Well, that is because I am a renaissance man.
Pam: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?
Ben Franklin: Well, you're very saucy! [Winks at Pam.]
 
Michael: Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity.
Stanley: [Stanley's fork breaks.] Of course.
 
Karen: So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use?
Pam: Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it.
Karen: Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys.
Pam: What do you mean?
Karen: Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him?
Pam: Oh yeah.
Karen: Really?
Pam: Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together. 
Karen: Okay.
Pam: I'm not into Jim. Yeah.
Karen: So um, well good.
Pam: Yeah. Sorry.
Karen: What are you sorry about?
Pam: Um, what?
Karen: What are you sorry about?
Pam: Nothing. I was just thinking of something else.
 
Kevin: Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild.
Michael: I call shuffle. Here we go. [Spreads cards out all over the table]
Kevin: Michael.
Michael: Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Hi guys!
Michael: Nice outfit. 
Elizabeth: I hear there's an important meeting here.
 
Roy: I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art.
 
Elizabeth: Hit it. [Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background] So where's the groom?
Michael: He's right there. There he is.
Bob Vance: Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you.
Michael: Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I?
Elizabeth: Just sit on down.
Michael: Alright.
Elizabeth: Alright.
Michael: Okay.
Elizabeth: Here we go.
Michael: Here we go. Alright!
Elizabeth: Yeah!
Michael: Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide.
Elizabeth: Mmm, what's that?
Michael: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so...
Elizabeth: I bet she'd be jealous. [Rips off shirt]
Michael: Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work!
 
Dwight: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it. 
Elizabeth: You want me to answer phones with my clothes on.
Dwight: We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it.
Elizabeth: Oh I love your poster.
Angela: Thank you.
Kevin: [Mouths 'hi' at the stripper]
 
Ben Franklin: You know I invented electricity.
Pam: I know.
Ben Franklin: Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?
Ben Franklin: Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon.
Pam: Ohhh.
 
Michael: On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me.
Ben Franklin: You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son.
Michael: Really.
Ben Franklin: But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex.
Michael: Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag.
 
Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth: Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.
Michael: Wow. Thank you. 
 
Dwight: Care for a piece of chocolate?
Ben Franklin: Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Dwight: Who is the king of Austria?
Ben Franklin: Joseph the 2nd.
Dwight: Who is the king of Prussia?
Ben Franklin: Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd.
Dwight: Who is the king of England?
Ben Franklin: Why the tyrant King George, of course!
 
Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.
 
Jan: [On speaker phone] Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay?
Michael: Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will.
Jan: Okay.
Michael: I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
Jan: Uh when, when did, when last night?
Michael: No, today at work.
Jan: You went to a bachelor party at work?
Michael: Yes. I kind of arranged it.
 
Kelly: Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot?
Ryan: Kelly don't do this.
Kelly: Do what? I just asked you a question.
Ryan: You know what you're doing.
Kelly: Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.
Jim: Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley?
Pam: Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.
Ryan: Ok.
 
Elizabeth: Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here.
Pam: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.
Elizabeth: You could strip you know.
Pam: Thanks.
 
Michael: So you don't want to end our relationship?
Jan: I'm closer to firing you.
Michael: That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?
Jan: I'll talk to you later.
Michael: You are. You are.
 
Michael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't.
 
Dwight: Are you near sighted or far sighted?
Ben Franklin: Both. That's why I invented the bifocal.
Dwight: GAH!!!

Jim: Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. [Windows reboot sound] Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?
Dwight: What do you think?
 
Jim: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment.
 
Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Dwight, want an Altoid?
Dwight: Okay.
 
Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Altoid?
Dwight: Sure
 
Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Mint Dwight?
Dwight: Inbwit? Yes.
 
Dwight: [Windows reboot sound] [Dwight holds out his hand, sighs]
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: I... 
Jim: What?
Dwight: I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise]
 
Michael: Always the bridesmaids, right ladies?
Photographer: Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great.
 
Michael: Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride.
 
Phyllis: Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.
 
Pam: Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'.
 
Jim: So what's in the box?
Stanley: A toaster, you?
Karen: A toaster.
Stanley: Unbelievable.
 
Dwight: Hello, Angela.
Angela: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight: You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
Angela: Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left!
 
Dwight: The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.
 
Jim: Those flowers are nice.
Karen: Yeah. P and R?
Jim: Phyllis and Robert.
Karen: Ah, of course.
 
Pam: Also, Pam and Roy.
 
Michael: There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
Phyllis: Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.
Michael: How you doin'? You excited.
Phyllis: Yes, very.
Michael: Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?
Phyllis: No.
Michael: You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous... 
Phyllis: That wasn't me.
Michael: Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?
Phyllis: I thought it was... 
Michael: Here, let me... 
Phyllis: Michael... No.
Michael: Just cover up that bald patch.
Phyllis: I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone.
Michael: Okay.
 
Michael: You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.
Michael: [in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you!
Michael: Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'.
 
Dwight: Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?
Jim: You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.
Dwight: No way.
Jim: Did you ever see that movie?
Dwight: Of course I saw it.
 
Dwight: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
 
Jim: You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out.
Dwight: Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.
 
Kevin: [to Toby's date] Hi. I'm Kevin. [to Toby] Where did you find her?
Toby: At the gym.
Kevin: Riiight. The gym. [snickers]
 
Kelly: Could you scoot over? You're on my dress.
Meredith: I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding.
Kelly: I know but there was an emergency.
 
Kelly: I look really good in white.
 
Michael: This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it.
 
Pam: That's my dress.
Michael: [whispers to father] That's ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking]
Dwight: It's a miracle.
Crowd: [generalized clapping]
Michael: This is bull****!
 
Michael: Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight.
 
Michael: I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over.
 
Priest: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Phyllis: I do.
Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
Priest: And do you, Bob... 
Michael: Oh, shiii... 
Priest: ... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife
Bob Vance: I do.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Michael: Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
 
Angela: Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning.
Phyllis: Thanks Angela.
 
Michael: Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Bob Vance: If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
Michael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too.
 
Dwight: Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.
Phyllis: I don't have that, Dwight.
Dwight: Dammit, Phyllis!
 
Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam: What do you mean?
Kelly: Well... this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam: Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine
Kelly: There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks
 
Dwight: 'Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple?
Uncle Al: Who?
Dwight: The bride and groom? What are their names?
Uncle Al: Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure.
Dwight: Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on.
Uncle Al: Okay, Okay. Where are we going?
Dwight: Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.
Uncle Al: Oh!
 
Michael: Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?
Phyllis: It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet.
Michael: I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
Phyllis: It's fish.
Michael: I will take care of that.
 
Michael: I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white.
 
Kevin: No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.
 
Kevin: Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. [sings] Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light.
 
Roy: Hey.
Pam: Hey.
Roy: I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste.
Pam: You're kidding me, right?
Roy: I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom.
Pam: Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.
Roy: I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning.
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: Sorry about that.
Pam: It's okay.
Roy: You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married.
 
Randy: Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler!
Crowd: [cheering and clapping]
Unknown: She is.
Randy: Cheers.
Crowd: Cheers.
Michael: Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride "Mawige... 
 
Michael: The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.
 
Michael: Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance... 
Bob Vance: Oh okay. That's enough.
Michael: is a guy that... 
Bob Vance: Thanks, Michael. Give me... 
Michael: he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay.
Bob Vance: Give me the microphone.
Michael: No. I'm not going to... 
Bob Vance: Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael.
Michael: Ok. All right.
Bob Vance: You're out of here!
Michael: Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you!
 
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hey!
Jim: When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?
Pam: Oh... I'm pacing myself.
Jim: Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.
Pam: No. I'm such a dorky dancer.
Jim: I know. It's very cute.
 
Jim: Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical.
 
Michael: Come... Come on!
Dwight: I can't let you in, Michael.
Michael: Dwight, just... 
Dwight: No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders.
Michael: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song.
Dwight: You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.
Michael: OK.
 
Roy: Hey, they're playing our song.
Pam: Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police.
Roy: I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance? 
 
Michael: [sings] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu.
 
Roy: [to Pam] Hey, want to get out of here?
 
Jim: Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen.
 
Karen: [sings] Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every... 
 
Women: One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! [Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them]
 
Toby: Toby! Yeah!
 
Michael: I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
Uncle Al: Phyllis and you will be great together.
Michael: We are great together. We are a great team.
Uncle Al: The Celtics were a great team.
Michael: Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Uncle Al: Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know!
Michael: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.
 
Michael: Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
Phyllis: You found Uncle Al!
Michael: Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo.
Phyllis: Thank you, Michael.
Michael: You're... You're welcome.
 
Michael: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.
 
Michael: Be careful. Oh no!! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face] Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [Michael smears cake on his own face]

Michael: Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you? 
Kevin: My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.
Michael: Huh?
Kevin: I almost died. I... I went into this skid---
Michael: Pop quiz. 
Kevin: ...What?
Michael: Why is today a special day?
Kevin: I almost died.
Michael: Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you...
Ryan: You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class.
Michael: In business school, Kevin. Business school. 
Kevin: Wow.
 
Ryan: If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?
 
Michael: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us.
 
Michael: Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?
Dwight: "Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.
 
Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.
 
Michael: Will they throw their hats, you think?
Ryan: What?
Michael: A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.
Ryan: Y-You understand nobody's graduating.
Michael: Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: "May your hats fly as high as your dreams." ... That was a pretty good line. 
Ryan: ...It doesn't apply. 
Michael: I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey!
Ryan: Quit it! 
Michael: We have fun. 
 
Roy: I can't for your art show tonight.
Pam: Okay, just so you know, it's just the students from my class in a little studio.
Roy: I-I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Pam: Thanks.
 
Pam: I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy.
 
Roy: Love ya. 
Pam: You too. 
 
Jim: Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on.
 
Kelly: I can't believe you're back together with Roy!
Pam: Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know.
Kelly: Oh my God. You're so in love now.
Pam: Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way.
Kelly: Oh, art show!
Pam: I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there.
Kelly: ...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure. 
 
Michael: Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? [runs over, throws frisbee] Whoo!
College Student: ....Dude. 
 
Dwight: ...Oh my God. Animal stool. [jumps on desk]
Pam: Dwight, what are you doing? 
Dwight: Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. [opens ceiling tile] Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo--BAT! BAAAT! BAT! 
Karen: Oh my God!
Dwight: BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!
Stanley: Goooood bye. 
Angela: [on ground] ... Please don't let that stupid thing near me... 
 
Michael: Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.
Ryan: ...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off... 
Michael: I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it. 
 
Dwight: We have... a bat... in the office.
 
Toby: The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open.
 
Angela: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!
 
Jim: Okay. Thanks. [hangs up phone] Animal control will be here at six. 
Dwight: At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership. 
Jim: I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd... 
Dwight: What? What's so wierd?
Jim: The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... [shrugs] Oh well.
 
Ryan: And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott.
Michael: Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of book] You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. [gives book back] I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel. 
 
Dwight: [sighs] This is your job, Halpert. 
Jim: Ow! 
Karen: Oh, what happened?
Jim: That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot. 
Karen: But Jim, this garlic bread is cold. 
Jim: What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre. 
Dwight: No... no. One crisis at a time.
 
Dwight: If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a "sylvania." Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn't mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.
 
Michael: So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... [pulls out a candy bar] a Whatchamacallit [throws bar]. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay [takes out a PayDay, throws it]. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand [throws 100 Grand bar]. [pulls out a Snickers] Satisfied?
 
Toby: Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it.
Pam: Oh! No, you should go.
Toby: Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art.
 
Michael: Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies. 
Ryan: Michael. 
Michael: ...And products!
Ryan: What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing. 
Michael: Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.
Business Student #1: Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world? 
Michael: We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops] 
 
Karen: Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted.
Jim: Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare.
Karen: What glare? 
Jim: The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding. 
 
Dwight: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
 
Dwight: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance--
Creed: Sure.
Dwight: --to use sudden violence.
Creed: Okay.
Dwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed: What size? 
 
Business Student #2: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain? 
Michael: ...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back.
Business Student #2: Has anyone ever come back?
Michael: ...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid. 
Business Student #3: How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?
Michael: Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index? 
Business Student #3: ...What?
Michael: Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here? 
Business Student #1: By your own employee's calculation you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years. 
Michael: ...Wait, Ryan said that?
 
Kelly: What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat. 
Creed: Animals can't feel pain.
Kelly: Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family!
Dwight: Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW! 
Kelly: AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!
Kevin: [locks bat in break room] I... am a hero! 
 
Michael: Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay.
Business Student #2: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain? 
Michael: David will always beat Goliath.
Business Student #1: But there's five Goliaths, there's... Staples, Officemax... 
Michael: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school?
Business Student #1: But in the big picture... 
Michael: Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] SO SUCK ON THAT!
 
Ryan: ...It wasn't personal.
Michael: Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things.
Ryan: Pack my--?
Michael: You heard me, pack your things.
 
Meredith: I really want to come out!
Creed: Good night, Mary Beth!
 
Jim: So... you're cool to just wait here for animal control?
Dwight: Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six.
Jim: Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye Dwight. 
Dwight: Goodbye Jim. And good luck. 
 
Dwight: Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen.
 
Pam: ...And it's all from the same series.
Woman: Oh. 
Pam: Called 'Impressions.' 
Woman: Oh. 
Pam: Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se.
Woman: Maybe one day. 
Pam: I hope so. 
Woman: Mmm.
Pam: I still need... you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. [Woman leaves, Roy enters] Hey, babe, how are you?
Roy: Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh? 
Pam: Hey, Kenny.
Kenny: Hey Pam. 
Roy: How 'bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That's... pretty cool, huh?
 
Dwight: Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! [puts bag over Meredith's head]
Meredith: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Dwight: Hold still, woman!
Meredith: Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!
Dwight: ...[captures bat in bag] ... You're welcome. 
 
Roy: It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them.
Pam: Yeah, I'll just, I'll drive myself home. 
Roy: To my place?
Pam: Maybe, I'm a little tired.
Roy: Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art.
Pam: Thank you. 
 
Ryan: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and... of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me.
Michael: Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex.
Ryan: To the annex? Where... Kelly is?
Michael: A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.
 
Oscar: You're the one who said we needed more culture. 
Gil: This is culture to you?
Oscar: It's her first try. 
Gil: Yeah, on Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants. 
Oscar: Meaning what?
Gil: Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty.
Oscar: Well, those aren't Pam's strong points.
Gil: Yeah, exactly. That's why this is... motel art.
 
Artist: Thanks for coming. 
Michael: Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town. 
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Wow! You did these... freehand?
Pam: Yep.
Michael: My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. [sighs] ... How much?
Pam: What do you mean?
Michael: I don't see a... price. 
Pam: Um... you wanna buy it?
Michael: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car?
Pam: Uh-huh.
Michael: That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you.
Pam: [hugs Michael] ... Thank you.
Michael: What?
Pam: Do you have something in your pocket?
Michael: ...Chunky. Do you want half?
Pam: No thank you. 
Michael: Okay.
 
Michael: It is... a message. It is an inspiration, it is... a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera. 
 
Kelly: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God... 
Ryan: It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited.
Kelly: I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't... 
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Michael: Well ultimately I went into business to inspire people. They say those who can't do, teach. I can do both. I teach doing.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Jim: OK, here we go... Digest of business terms, CliffsNotes on business economics, and a sales encyclopedia.
Michael: Wow! That's a lot of books, do you have, umm, one book that sums up all of these.
Jim: Those are the books that sum up the other books.
Michael: So no?
Jim: What are you reading?
Michael: Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I've kept a diary of all my sales.
Jim: Oh, that could be interesting.
Michael: No, it's just mileage mostly, but there's one chapter that I call wisdoms. I'm going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are.
Jim: [clears throat] I am ready.
Michael: Don't do what I say, say what I do.
Jim: Five.
Michael: Just getting warmed up. Mistakes are just successes that you mess up.
Jim: Hmm... Five.
Michael: This... You know this is a scale of one to ten?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: OK. Do you want me to repeat that?
Jim: No, I got it.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Creed: [motions to phyllis's desk]
Stanley: She's on her honeymoon. She won't be back for six weeks.
Creed: I'll wait. [sighs]
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Meredith: Here's a joke for you. Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding?
Angela: Don't Meredith.
Meredith: You ready?
Oscar: You know I don't like to participate in the...
Meredith: Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding?
Oscar: Really, it's just that I don't like to participate...
Meredith: Grow up.
Oscar: It's just... I'm sorry... It's gossip, and I don't think it's healthy.
Meredith: Get over yourself.
Oscar: Well, I'm not going to get over myself... it's wrong.
Meredith: Because Roy use to... [long censor beep]... with the rice... [long censor beep]... [laughs]
Oscar: [laughs] That's disgusting.
Meredith: [still laughing] I know.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Michael: Everybody please stand, and get up on your desks. [goes to stand on desk] Just stand right up.
Ryan: Michael it's not... It's not...
Michael: That's, yep a little flimsy. Umm... OK... Ahh... Alright, no more desks. Oh OK.
 
Michael: I have a lot of big ideas, and the trick is to get it out of my brain and into theirs, in a way that is easy to swallow. Simple... [holds up snickers] Kids love candy bars.
 
Michael: Lets try a little... Little social experiment here. Raise your hands if you like to buy things. OK, I see some people who like to buy things. You're it, you are the reason this world rolls along, give yourselves a round of applause. Say, say you want to start a business, and business is all about buying and selling, is it not? So say you want to sell lemonade, or stickers. Something you have to keep in mind, you must, and you might want to jot this down, you must sell the stickers for more than you bought the stickers for.
 
Student 1: How have you adopted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
Michael: Oh, Oh, I take umbrage to that premise...ses. Umm, let me ask you this: How many people exist in the world? Over forty billion. What are they going to be writing on... rocks? Any one else? [points] Yep.
Student 2: Just following up on that first question...
Michael: No no no no no. Never follow, always lead.
Student 2: OK.
Michael: OK.
Student 2: New question.
Michael: Very good.
Student 2: In the digital age...
Michael: OK.
Student 2: ... email...
Michael: Bop bop de Bope bop bop bop bop bop. You only have me for a limited time... Yes.
Student 3: Do you believe your high fixed cost are warranted given your diminishing market share.
Michael: How can I put this? That question makes you sound gay.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Karen: [Karen sees Pam's art show flyer on the cabinet door, she looks around to make sure no one is looking, then proceeds to rip in down, Oscar comes out of the bathroom, Karen acts like she was just looking at it and then walks out of the kitchen]
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Dwight: BAT!
Meredith: [comes out of the bathroom... screams... runs back into the bathroom]
 
Dwight: What is a leader? I asked Jim that, and he said he had never heard the word before. In America, in 2007. He said he knew the word ladder... What an ignoramous.
 
Meredith: [Bat hanging from ceiling cleaning itself] I really want to come out.
Dwight: You want rabies? Be my guest.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Pam: [looking with Kevin at the art show flyer] Should be fun.
Kevin: Your name looks really nice.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Creed: Goodnight Mary-Beth.
Kelly: Hope she's OK.
Angela: Just goes to show the power of prayer.
Kelly: You prayed for this?
Angela: In a general sense.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Kenny: So cool you're back with Roy. Maybe we can rent that cabin on the lake again this summer.
Pam: Yeah, that'd be nice.
Kenny: There'll be two of you and only one of me this time, since Denise left me. So I think it's fair I only pay a third.
Pam: Yeah that seems fair.

Michael: Can you confirm that the straps are tight?
Dwight: Yes. But this [pulls at straight jacket] seems to be...
Michael: And now, the chains. 
 
Michael: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school. 
 
Michael: MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. [Kevin giggles] Can he do it? I don't see how he can.
Dwight: I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath.
Michael: No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE!
Jim: Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you? 
Michael: I will get out. Oh yes, I will.
Pam: So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead?
Michael: No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. [Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.]
Michael: AHHHH!
Kevin: Is everything ok, Michael?
Michael: Yes.
 
Michael: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...
 
Michael: Alright.
Dwight: [trumpet sounds]
Michael: Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm. 
Jim: Another worm? Like, are they friends?
Dwight: It's early bird gets the worm. 
Michael: Pam, would you smell my breath?
Pam: No, no.
Dwight: Let me smell. [Michael breathes at Dwight] Good, not great. 
 
Michael: "Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?" Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special. 
 
Michael: Jimbo, last chance to carpool.
Jim: Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car.
Michael: Sure? Might be a good idea.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip.
Jim: Thanks.
Michael: Play some games?
Jim: Oh. Um. I think we're good.
Michael: I spy?
Jim: Yeah.
 
Jim: Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless?
 
Dwight: Thanks for inviting me along. 
Michael: Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? [phone rings] Heh-woh you. 
Jan: Michael?
Michael: Hey, Buttercup.
Jan: Hi.
Michael: I am on my way. I should be there in about 15...
Jan: Let's just blow this party off.
Michael: That's what she said.
Jan: Am I on speaker phone?
Michael: Uh, yes you are.
Jan: Is anybody else in the...
Dwight: Hello, Jan. 
Jan: Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone. 
Michael: No problem. [doesn't turn off speakerphone]
Jan: Ok. Let's just go to a motel... 
Michael: Ok.
Jan: ...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica. 
Michael: Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I...
Jan: Still on speaker?
Michael: Ummm... I don't know.
Jan: Are camera's there?
Michael: Maybe.
Jan: See you soon.
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: Talk to you later, Jan.
Michael: Alright. Bye.
 
Pam: Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard's for happy hour. You should come. 
Roy: I can't. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski's and kinda took a bath, so... we're going to go get hammered.
Pam: Ok, well, we're going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I'm serious! If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things. 
Roy: Ok.
 
Pam: I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy. 
 
Michael: Beauty. Thank you sir!
Dwight: Salad.
Michael: Thank you. 
Dwight: You dressed exactly like the servants.
Michael: Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me.
Dwight: Wait. I don't think yours will fit me.
Michael: I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that.
Dwight: That would have been really embarrassing.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Crisis averted.
Michael: Ok. 
 
Pam: Oh, that duck is so cute.
Kevin: Hey Pam.
Pam: Hey guys.
Kevin: Oscar. Angela.
 
Michael: Hi.
 
Michael: Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend. 
 
Michael: Oh, um, potato salad.
Dwight: It's from both of us. 
Michael: No, it's not.
Rachel: Wonderful, let's, ah, see where we can put this. Ok.
Michael: Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here. 
 
Michael: It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know.
 
Pam: Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet?
Kevin: Yeah. 
Kelly: Oh my God, when is it?
Kevin: It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.
Roy: Hey.
Pam: Hey. You made it.
Roy: You said it was important, so... How's it going?
Kenny: What's up, Pam. 
Pam: Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis. 
Roy: You guys, uh, want a round, on me?
Everyone: Yeah.
Roy: Yeah? Get you a drink. 
Kenny: Thanks man.
Angela: No thank you, Roy.
 
Dwight: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces. 
 
Michael: What are you looking for? You bring dip?
Jan: I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR. 
Michael: Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too.
Jan: You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company. 
Michael: Over our love.
Jan: I've never told you that I love you.
Michael: You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all. 
 
Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. 
 
Jan: What's this over the "i"?
Michael: It's a heart. 
 
Jan: Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying? 
 
Michael: I love this woman!
Jan: Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please. 
 
Dwight: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Dan Gore: No.
Dwight: No? Then you are an idiot.
 
Rachel: Hello Michael.
Michael: Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So...
David: Jan, glad you could make it.
Jan: Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott?
David: Of course I do.
Jan: From the Scranton Branch.
Michael: Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
Jan: David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please. 
Rachel: Excuse me.
Michael: Ok. 
 
Pam: [looks at beers] Oh. [Starts to walk away, turns around] No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite.
Bartender: Oh, sorry. 
 
Man: So did the merger go smoothly, or?
Michael: It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them. 
Karen: I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management. 
Michael: Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great?
Jan: We're good. [Michael tries to kiss Jan] Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok?
Rachel: Can I get anyone anything, or?
Michael: I could go for an appeteaser. 
Jan: Martini please.
Michael: Bagel bites or something. 
Karen: Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Rachel: Thank you. 
Dwight: What's the square footage?
David: About 5,000. 
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.
Dwight: I'm just...
David: I don't know
Dwight: It's a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?
Dwight: These old colonials are great, when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around.
Rachel: I'll show you around. 
Dwight: Cool, let's start with the banisters.
 
Karen: Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall?
Jim: Yep. 
Karen: That's Drake. And just so you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we use to date.
Jim: Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me. 
Karen: And it didn't end well.
Jim: Gotcha. Alright.
 
David: This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch. 
Michael: Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [takes sip, coughs violently]
Jan: You ok?
Michael: Yeah. Do you have any ice?
David: Sure.
Michael: How about some Splenda?
 
Roy: One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here. 
Kenny: Where?
Roy: On this side. 
Kevin: No, it is definitely under one of these hands. [points to Meredith and Kelly's hands]
Ryan: I think I heard it on Roy's side.
Kevin: No, it is here. 
Ryan: [tapping Meredith and Kelly's hands] Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here.
Kevin: Good thing you didn't listen to me. 
Ryan: Yeah, close one. 
Roy: [points at one of Stanley's hands and one of Pam's] Not here. Not here. It's either here or here. [Stares at Pam] Not here. [Points at Stanley's hand]. 
Kenny: YES!
Pam: Nice job. 
Roy: I can read you like a book.
Pam: Oh yeah?
Roy: You can't keep anything from me. 
 
Student 1: Hey Creed.
Creed: Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Student 2: You're the man buddy.
 
Creed: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station. 
 
Dwight: Huh. [Bangs on wall] Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here? [Opens door]. 
Rachel: Uh, that's a guest room. 
Dwight: Just the one window?
Rachel: [phone rings] Oh. I must get that. You'll have to excuse me. 
Dwight: Are those real pearls?
Rachel: Uh, yes. 
Dwight: [tests smoke detector] Good.
 
Jim: Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care.
Karen: Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated. 
Jim: Oh. Hadn't noticed.
Karen: Really? I thought it was so obvious. I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable.
Jim: No, it was before I knew you so, its fine.
 
Michael: This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out.
Jan: It's nice.
Michael: You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas. 
Jan: I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family. 
Michael: Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo. 
Jim: Oh. 
Michael: Crazy.
Jan: I'm sorry. You're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes.
Michael: Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it?
Jan: Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. [kisses Michael]
Michael: What are you doing?
Jan: Don't you know what I'm doing?
Michael: Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy. 
Jan: Shut up. 
 
Michael: What has gotten into you?
Jan: Come on.
Michael: No, no, no.
Jan: What?
Michael: Come on, let's go back to the party. 
Jan: Just let me loosen my dress.
Michael: Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: No, no, no, means please don't. Please.
Jan: Slam me up against the wall, right here.
Michael: I'm not going to slam you up against the wall. 
Jan: Oh, please.
Michael: You're acting inappropriate. Jan.
Jan: Oh, I'm acting inappropriate? Get out. 
 
Toby: Here. [hands Pam a duck stuffed animal]
Pam: Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you. 
Toby: I was...
Pam: Hey, don't you have a daughter?
Toby: [takes duck back] Yes.
 
Dwight: Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?
Child: I don't know, it was here when I was born. 
Dwight: I want one. It's got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak?
Child: I don't know.
Dwight: What do you know?
 
David: God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes. 
 
Jim: You stay here and have fun, because I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Karen: Ok. Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me. 
Jim: Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? [Karen smiles and gives herself away] Wow. Ok. You got me. 
Karen: I so got you. 
Jim: So, none of them?
Karen: Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first. 
Jim: Really?
Karen: Oh my God, it's so easy. Fun. 
Jim: Ok. 
Karen: Hey Jan.
Jan: Not too good. 
 
Rachel: Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad?
 
Michael: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.
 
David: What's ah, what's with Jan and Michael? 
Jim: I don't know. Where to begin? My ball.
 
Dwight: The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.
 
Roy: What?
Pam: I want us to make it. I want a fresh start.
Roy: That's awesome. That's what I want. 
Pam: Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us. 
Roy: I didn't do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn't at all.
Pam: Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.
Roy: What?
Pam: He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed.
Roy: Jim came on to you?
Pam: Just listen.
Roy: No, I am listening! That's the problem I am listening!
Pam: Don't yell!
Roy: Don't yell?!
Pam: This is over.
Roy: Yeah, you're right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God!
Kenny: Damn jet skis!
 
Michael: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle...
Jan: I feel sick.
Michael: You didn't have any of the potato salad did you?
Jan: No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public.
Michael: Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly. 
Jan: Please don't cry.
Michael: I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces. 
Jan: It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him.
Michael: I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling.
Jan: I didn't mean it. I was...
Michael: Whatever.
Jan: Tired. I'm tired. And I didn't eat enough. And, and, that's all. That was it.
Michael: That's all, you didn't mean it?
Jan: That's all. I didn't mean it. That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it. 
Michael: I love you, Jan.
Jan: Ok. 
Dwight: Don't break up you guys, you're great together. 
 
Roy: Are they going to call the cops?
Kenny: No, I paid them off. 
Roy: Jet ski money?
Kenny: All of it.
Roy: I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert. 
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Karen: I think it's great that Jim's invited. It's important to have contact with the New York execs, or they'll think everyone here is like Mi...chael.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Roy: [Points to Pam's painting of the building] [laughs] You gotta sign that. 
Pam: [laughs]
Roy: No you gotta put your name in the corner. I've seen that artist do that. Its good too, cause like you can know who paints what, you know.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Ryan: Hey, are you going to Poor Richard's?
Toby: I don't know, you?
Ryan: Maybe.
Kelly: I'm going and so are both of you. We're all going.
Ryan: Hey, isn't there some rule against inter-office dating?
Toby: [whispering] I am not doing your dirty work for you.
Kelly: I hear whispering.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Jim: Ok, so promise that you'll wait till we leave the parking lot before you go to the bar.
Pam: Yes boss.
Karen: See ya Pam.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Kevin: Oscar, Angela? I didn't think you guys would come.
Angela: Why wouldn't we come?
Kevin: Because of reasons...
 
Kevin: Are there carbs in vodka?
 
Waiter: Hey folks, what can I get you? Oh, hey Meredith.
Meredith: Hey
Waiter: Another vodka?
Meredith: Yeah. Jack, these are my co-workers.
Kevin: Sup?
Waiter: [pointing to each correct person] Ryan, Pam, Stanley, Kelly, Kevin, Creed. How'd I do?
Stanley: Hmm, come here much?
 
Oscar: These wings are all fat and bone.
Angela: This place is disgusting. [They smile at each other]
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Dwight: Why would the architect design stairs this wide? Was there an obese family in here before you?
Rachel: I don't know that. I'm sure the architect passed away many years ago.
Dwight: How convenient.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Jan: I am attracted to weird, wrong men. I dated a violent karate instructor and then an unemployed fireman. Life has been complicated. I've made some decisions that I'm not proud of; my marriage, being overly litigious with my family. I orgasm fairly easily. Michael was kind of like my dirty secret, you know, having sex with him, oh I was just turned on by my own degradation. Um, why, anyway, I was told by somebody recently that I respect that I'm old enough to have a mature relationship, and that's what this whole evening is about and I have high hopes.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Melissa: [at the door] Hi Ryan.
Ryan: Hey.
Melissa: How are you doing? I've, I've missed you.
Ryan: I've missed you too...
Melissa: Don't you remember me?
Ryan: Um, you ah, you gotta give me a hint. Um, did you meet me at the gym?
Melissa: No.
Kelly: [still at the table] Who the hell is Ryan talking to?
Ryan: [at the door] Are you a client of Dunder Mifflin.
Melissa: No.
Stanley: [at the table] Oh, not again. Melissa!
Melissa: Daddy.
Stanley: Wait for my outside. [To Ryan] She is sixteen years old. What is wrong with you?
Ryan: Okay, okay. Stanley, let me explain to you what happened.
Stanley: No, no, no, no.
Ryan: She came right up to me just like she did when you brought her into work.
Stanley: No, no, no. You planned this whole thing boy. I'll snatch your spine out your back.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Dwight: Space shuttle. Which one? Oh, Atlantis. Good thing it's not the Discovery. You play soccer?
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Michael: What a weird day. I don't understand it, but you don't get to understand everyday of your life. Maybe five, ten days a year, I'll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened. Guess everybody has days like that. Sometimes they're the nicest ones. Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan.

Karen: So do you want to see it or not?
Jim: I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds...
Karen: Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic.
Jim: Agoraphobic?
Karen: Yeah.
Jim: Really?
Karen: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.
Jim: Absolutely correct.
Kevin: Later, Jim.
Jim: Kev, have a good weekend.
Karen: Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up.
Jim: Here we go...
Karen: ...and we're gonna go to dinner.
Jim: Ok...
Karen: And then we're gonna go to the movies.
Jim: Sounds good.
Roy: Hey Halpert!
Jim: Hey... [Roy lunges towards Jim]
Pam: ROY!
Karen: [shrieks]
Pam: Roy don't! [Dwight pepper-sprays Roy]
Roy: [screams in pain] Ahh God!
Dwight: Pam, please call security!
 
Dwight: Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? [Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray]
 
Michael: No need for consternation, everything is under control.
Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled. 
Jan: [sigh] Is Toby there?
Michael: No...
Toby: I'm... here, Jan.
Jan: Ok, what... what is the situation Toby?
Toby: Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.
Jan: Thank God.
Toby: Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his...
Michael: No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage. 
Jan: All right, well are you gonna take care of this?
Michael: Yeppers.
Jan: What did I tell you about "yeppers?"
Michael: I don't... remember.
Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Michael: Yeesh...
 
Pam: I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. It sucked.
 
Jim: I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars. 
 
Jim: Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you.
Dwight: Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.
Jim: Okay. Um... Got you something.
Dwight: Don't want it.
Jim: You don't know what it is.
Dwight: Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.
 
Jim: It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven.
 
Dwight: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
 
Oscar: Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up.
Kevin: Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.
Oscar: It was crazy.
Angela: You saw it? Describe it please.
Oscar: Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero.
Angela: Oh...
Oscar: It was insane!
Angela: [flustered] Well... good for Dwight.
 
Michael: Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.
Jim: Where'd you get that?
Michael: Wikipedia.
 
Michael: Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.
 
Michael: Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise.
Jim: Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise.
Michael: Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... [mumbling softly] that maybe you should... [mumbling jibberish]
Jim: I can't hear you.
Michael: What I'm saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish]
Jim: Still nothin'.
Michael: Ok, see what I did?
Jim: No.
Michael: By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position. 
Jim: Nice.
Michael: Ok, let's try another one. Um...
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Walking out of the room unexpectedly. 
Jim: And what happens in this one? 
Michael: It's a surprise.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Go ahead, ask me for a raise.
Jim: Can I have a raise?
Michael: [gets up and begins to walk out of the room]
Jim: [softly] Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher.
Michael: What?
Jim: What?
Michael: No, what did you say?
Jim: I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened.
Michael: Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna...
 
Dwight: I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.
Toby: Which is where?
Dwight: Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end.
Toby: Thanks Dwight.
 
Kelly: That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. 
Ryan: I can't imagine what I would have done.
Kelly: I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed.
Ryan: Well that was funny, that's why.
Kelly: Oh it was?
Ryan: Mm-hmm.
Kelly: Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night...
Ryan: Okay.
Kelly: ...and you call me, to calm you down...
Ryan: You know what? I didn't---
Toby: Can you stop...
Kelly: ...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not.
Toby: There's a bunch of people back here, maybe...
Ryan: Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night...
Toby: Guys...
Kelly: I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you!
 
Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius.
 
Michael: [knock on door] Yeah. 
Darryl: You ready for me?
Michael: Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat.
Darryl: Cool.
Michael: You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room.
Darryl: Okay.
Michael: No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room.
 
Michael: Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off.
 
Michael: Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control. 
 
Michael: [long pause] I am declining to speak first.
Darryl: Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now.
Michael: Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now. 
Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes?
Michael: What?
Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants.
Michael: No, this is a power suit. 
Darryl: That there's a woman's suit.
Michael: [Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again. 
Darryl: I'ma call Roy, man.
Michael: Ohh... kay.
Darryl: This is gonna make him feel better.
Michael: All right.
Darryl: This is too good.
Michael: Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit? 
Pam: Oh my God, that's a woman's suit!
Kevin: You're wearing a woman's suit?
Michael: No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin.
 
Michael: There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual.
 
Kevin: Who makes it?
Michael: Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery.
Phyllis: Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining?
Michael: Okay.
Phyllis: Did you see...
Michael: Would you stop it, please? 
Jim: So, none of that tipped you off?
Michael: It's European, OK? It's a European cut.
Pam: Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.
Michael: No, they don't. See? [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam]
Pam: [Laughing, covering her mouth]
Michael: Italians don't wear pockets. 
 
Pam: It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little.
 
Karen: Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet? 
Michael: No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway.
Darryl: Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton.
Michael: Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes.
Darryl: Okay, can you just stand right there? [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails. 
 
Michael: Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes.
 
Kevin: Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman?
Karen: I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.
Stanley: You must have been scared out of your mind.
Karen: Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared.
Angela: What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story.
Karen: Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry.
Angela: Mm-hmm.
Karen: And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt. 
Angela: [flustered] Goodness.
 
Karen: When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.
 
Michael: Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise. 
Darryl: Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise.
Michael: [mumbles jibberish]
Darryl: What? I can't hear you.
Michael: [mumbling softly] That was a very good point.
Darryl: I can't--- what, Mike? Are you---
Michael: [mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument.
 
Pam: Sorry I almost got you killed. 
Jim: Yeah, that was nuts.
Pam: He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?
Jim: No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.
Pam: Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now.
Jim: We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday.
Pam: Jim... I am really... sorry. 
Jim: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.
 
Michael: I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.
Darryl: Why can't I just... tell you?
Michael: Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide--- slide it, yes.
Darryl: There you go.
Michael: Oh. [scoffs] Come on. Be serious.
Darryl: I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want.
Michael: I... I can't give you that, I--- I don't make this much.
Darryl: Come on, be for real Mike.
Michael: I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub.
Darryl: [laughs] Are you serious? You're earning this?
Michael: Plus perks, yes.
Darryl: Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [laughs]
Michael: Fourteen years.
Darryl: Ho-ho! 
Michael: No, please, please...
Darryl: Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs] 
Michael: Ok, let's take 15, again.
 
Michael: A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that.
 
Jim: Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something.
Dwight: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
Jim: Boy I---
Dwight: No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle? 
 
Jim: It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating. 
Karen: Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Jim: Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do?
Karen: Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.
 
Kevin: Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you.
Michael: Oh, thank you.
Kevin: Yeah. I heard you might need it. So...
Creed: Here's the $40 you gave me.
Michael: I didn't give you $40.
Creed: In a way you did.
 
Stanley: Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid.
 
Darryl: [on cell phone] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. [laughing] Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [hangs up]
Michael: Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia.
Darryl: What?
Michael: I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise.
Darryl: That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss.
Michael: Well what am I supposed to do?
Darryl: Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son.
Michael: I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous. 
Darryl: Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge. Okay, and we're shippin' more now than we ever have.
Michael: [exhales] That's true.
Darryl: Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
Michael: You know what? I should.
Darryl: Yeah, you should.
Michael: I have been a loyal employee for a long time. 
Darryl: Fourteen years long.
Michael: You know what? I deserve a bump.
Darryl: Make it happen, cap'in.
Michael: I am makin' it happen, sergeant.
 
Creed: I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. [Angela rolls her eyes] Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---
Angela: You're useless.
 
Jan: Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends?
Michael: No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today. 
Jan: Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?
Michael: Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away.
Jan: Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present.
Michael: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
Jan: Da--- Darryl from the warehouse?
Michael: Mm-hm.
Jan: No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby. 
Michael: Hey, I'd rather kill myself.
Jan: Michael, he's your branch's HR rep...
Michael: [talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known. 
Jan: ...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it. 
Michael: [sighs] Fine.
 
Kelly: You are so mean.
Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kelly: Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.
Ryan: No, I said your idea was stupid.
Michael: Toby, come on. Let's go.
Toby: Where?
Michael: Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go.
Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? 
Toby: Alright.
Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan: Don't you see why that's insane?
Kelly: Oh, so I'm crazy now?
 
Darryl: Comfortable, Mike?
Michael: Yeah. Fine.
Darryl: How about you, man. Comfortable?
Toby: No.
Michael: [imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I won't touch yours, by the way.
Darryl: Thank you.
Michael: Well...
Darryl: I haven't been to New York in a long time.
Michael: Mm, the Big Apple.
Darryl: Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there.
Toby: How would we get home?
Darryl: Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place.
Michael: Maybe I'll stay.
Darryl: Mm, it's not that big.
Michael: Well...
Darryl: Busses, though. They get you home quick.
Michael: [mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I...
 
Kelly: And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like "No!"
Angela: Then what'd he do? [Kelly's phone rings]
Kelly: You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams...
 
Hunter: Hey guys, Jan is ready for you.
Darryl: Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.
Michael: Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity. 
Darryl: Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me
Michael: All right.
 
Darryl: Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself.
 
Roy: [to Jim] Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. [Jim motions "Don't worry about it"] [Roy receives his check from Angela] Thanks. [to Pam] Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something?
Pam: I don't know.
Roy: Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Pam nods, meekly]
Kevin: [as Roy is walking out] Jim--- Roy--- Look out!
Jim: Thanks, Kev. I'm good though.
 
Jan: Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello. Come in. [exhales] Ah, Okay.
Michael: Who's the boy toy?
Jan: That's my new assistant.
Michael: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Jan: I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?
Michael: Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.
Toby: Hi, Jan.
Jan: Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First--- [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?
Michael: Pippity poppity.
Jan: Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.
Michael: Six percent? After all we've been through?
Jan: Oh, God.
Michael: I got you... jade earrings. 
Jan: Michael---
Michael: No!
Jan: Michael---
Michael: No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball? 
Toby: Just preparing for the deposition.
 
Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.
 
Roy: I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong.
Pam: I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices. 
Roy: So you gonna start datin' Halpert then?
Pam: Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend. 
Roy: Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy.
Pam: No, there were a lot of reasons.
Roy: But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? [Pam meekly shakes her head] I don't get you Pam.
Pam: I know.
 
Dwight: What's this?
Jim: What's what?
Dwight: Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. "Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute"
Jim: Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor.
Dwight: Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.
Jim: [under his breath] Didn't think you'd notice...
 
Michael: Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me! 
Jan: Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere.
Michael: Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere.
Jan: Ok, Toby, how about if you...
Toby: Sure.
Jan: Great.
 
Jan: What's wrong with you?
Michael: Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I---
Jan: Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15.
Michael: Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make---
Jan: No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?
Michael: Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise.
Jan: No. But we can offer you 12.
Michael: But you just said 15.
 
Michael: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan--
Jan: Michael!
 
Stanley: So you and Bob are looking at a historical house?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm, near the river.
Stanley: Mm, how many bedrooms?
Phyllis: Four.
 
Angela: Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading.
Dwight: Really?
Angela: Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery. 
Dwight: Mm, good stuff.
Angela: Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together.
Dwight: Sounds... fun. [they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees]
 
Jim: [scoffs] I... will never say a word. And now, we are even.
 
Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. [in a forceful voice] So look out Dunder Mifflin! [laughs] [snaps] I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you...
 
Andy: Hey guys! Guess who's back! [Dwight pepper-spray's Andy] AHHH! [screams in pain] OH, GOD!
Dwight: No need to thank me.
 
Dwight: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Michael: Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot.

Michael: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Oscar: Who is this guy again?
Michael: Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves. 
Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore?
Michael: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend. 
Oscar: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.
Michael: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright.
Jim: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme? 
Michael: Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... [Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram] ... I have to go make a call. 
 
Pam: Happy birthday Michael.
Michael: Oh ho ho! What?
Pam: I said happy birthday.
Michael: Thank you! That's really nice.
 
Michael: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher.
 
Michael: What's up?
Jim: Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday.
Michael: Ah, thank you sir.
 
Meredith: Did you hear anything yet?
Kevin: No. I'm still waiting.
 
Michael: [Dwight knocks on door] Yeah.
Dwight: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!
Michael: Ohh, god.
Dwight: Birthday hug!
Michael: No no no, no, new suit, please. 
Dwight: That suit is amazing.
Michael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually--- no, Bulgaria.
Dwight: Mmm. Maybe I should get one. 
Michael: Good luck. One of a kind. 
Dwight: Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?
Michael: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.
Dwight: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the...
Michael: Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.
Dwight: Let's get the party started. [Begins 'raising the roof']
Michael: Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in]
 
Phyllis: When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty?
Pam: One's good.
Angela: One thirty. [Pam yawns] I'm sorry, are we boring you?
Dwight: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.
Phyllis: Where do we get those?
Dwight: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [hands list to Pam]
Pam: Michael wants a strippergram? 
Dwight: Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom.
Angela: No. This is a closed door meeting. 
 
Michael: [answering phone] Yeah?
Pam: Michael, I have Jan on the line. 
Michael: Oh, great, put her through. 
Jan: Hello, Michael.
Michael: Hey, you.
Jan: I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent. 
Michael: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Jan: Well, today's not my birthday, so...
Michael: Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.
Jan: ...Happy birthday, Michael.
Michael: Thanks. [grins]
Jan: Am I on camera?
Michael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up]
Michael: [to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] ...You can take a five, if you want. 
 
Michael: Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!
Stanley: Mmhmm, happy birthday.
Michael: Thanks. 
 
Jim: Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out?
Kevin: They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion.
Jim: Oh, okay.
Kelly: Second opinion on what?
Kevin: Um, I might have skin cancer.
Kelly: Oh, no! I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer too.
Jim: Kelly, you know what...
 
Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.
 
Toby: Who brought in donuts?
Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby: Happy birthday!
Michael: You didn't know it was my birthday.
Toby: I... guess I forgot.
Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].
Toby: Are you serious?
Michael: Mmm.
 
Oscar: Skin cancer is treatable.
Kevin: Right.
Oscar: It's going to be okay.
Angela: You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though.
 
Delivery Woman: Hi, delivery for Michael Scott.
Michael: Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright? 
Delivery Woman: Uh... s-sure. 
Michael: [laughing] Okay. I'm so nervous.
Pam: I can sign for it.
Delivery Woman: Oh. Thanks.
 
Michael: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.
 
Michael: [eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder] Stop it. Stop! What is that? 
Dwight: It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song.
Michael: Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything.
Dwight: I probably care more than she does.
Michael: You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this [points to James Dean poster].
 
Pam: When does he hear?
Jim: Sometime today.
Pam: Ohh... poor Kevin. 
 
Pam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week.
 
Dwight: Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on [watch beeps] back... order... [hangs up] Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here! 
Michael: What?
Dwight: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please.
Michael: [grinning] Ohhh, God.
Dwight: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.
Michael: Ohhh, no. 
Dwight: So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin! 
Oscar: ...I'll do it.
Michael: Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this.
Dwight: Creed! Come on. Stanley!
Pam: ...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?
Jim: Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and...
Dwight: On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready? 
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Happy birth moment, Michael.
Michael: Thank you.
Dwight: One. Two. Three! [Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling]
Michael: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please. 
Dwight: Oscar...
Oscar: It wasn't me. 
 
Dwight: Okay, that is not an eight foot sub.
Delivery Boy: Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs. 
Dwight: F. Alright, what's the damage?
Delivery Boy: Uh, thirty-nine sixty.
Dwight: [pulls out wallet] Thirty nine... sixty.
 
Dwight: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones. 
 
Dwight: Here they come.
Michael: Get in here... everybody. 
Dwight: Come and get it!
Michael: Birthday party subs! My gift to you. 
Oscar: What is this?
Dwight: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup.
Michael: The best.
Stanley: These are all the same?
Michael: Yes.
Angela: Bologna? I don't eat bologna. 
Michael: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.
Angela: No.
Michael: Just the bread, it's fresh baked.
Angela: No. 
Michael: Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it.
 
Michael: When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So... That was the worst birthday I think I ever had. 
 
Jim: So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back. 
Pam: Sixty-nine cup of noodles. 
Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number.
Pam: And his favorite lunch.
 
Dwight: Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left [pulls ice cream cake out of freezer]. 
Ryan: [making peanut butter and jelly sandwich] Someone ate three feet of that thing?
Dwight: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake. 
Angela: [grabs cake] Oh. Thank you. 
Dwight: Oh. I got it.
Angela: What are--- it's... the party planning committee.
Dwight: [whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything.
Angela: Fine.
Dwight: What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?
Angela: Yes... [whispering] but don't expect any cookie.
Dwight: [whispering] But what if i'm hungry?
Angela: [whispering] No cookie. 
 
Jim: [puts fabric softener into cart] ...What?
Pam: You use fabric softener?
Jim: Yeah, you don't?
Pam: No, I do.
Jim: ...Okay.
 
Office Staff: [singing] Happy birthday dear Michael, [Michael joins in, Kevin's phone rings] Happy birthday... [everyone but Dwight stops] ...tooo youuuu.
Kevin: Hello? Hey.
Michael: Kevin? Respect the birthday please.
Kevin: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacy.
Michael: Are you done? ...Good. Okay.
Dwight: Here we go. Make a wish.
Michael: Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... [blows out the candles]
Dwight: Yaoo yay! [claps]
Michael: ... I asked for trick candles.
Dwight: Pam was supposed to get 'em.
Michael: Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day. 
Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
Michael: ... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us [takes cake into office and slams the door].
 
Pam: [checking watch] We should probably head back.
Jim: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement.
Pam: You dare me? How old are you?
Jim: Just... quit stalling.
Pam: [over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner. 
Jim: Such a dork. 
Pam: [loudspeaker] Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you...
Store Employee: Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy.
Pam: Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 
Jim: How old are you?
Pam: I hate you. 
 
Toby: [to Kevin] Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible.
Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Kevin: Still scary.
Michael: Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.
Michael: And laughter... also.
Toby: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.
Michael: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.
Toby: I work here. 
Michael: [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.
Kevin: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.
Michael: Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry.
 
Dwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls.
Jim: Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael.
Dwight: Please, don't.
Jim: You... owe me.
Michael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun. 
Stanley: Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday? 
Michael: How dare you sir. You are gross. 
 
Michael: [sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink] That should not be there.
Dwight: I'll get someone to take it down.
Michael: No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on!
 
Kelly: Don't be scared! You're good! You're good!
Ryan: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
 
Jim: Think you can let go?
Pam: No. [laughs]
Jim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [Michael skates by]
Dwight: YEAH!
Pam: Who is that?
Jim: Is that Michael?
 
Michael: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.
 
Pam: I got it.
Michael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.
Jim: ...It's something to think about.
 
Kevin: I can't relax about it, you know?
Michael: Kevin. You heard anything yet?
Kevin: No, not yet.
Michael: Okay. Well. Live strong.
Kevin: Okay, Michael.
Michael: Alright.
Carol: Michael?
Michael: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or...
Carol: Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson.
Michael: Oh, these... all your kids? 
Carol: No just the front two.
Michael: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay? 
Carol: Sure.
Michael: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now!
 
Michael: Push. Good! That's great. You got it. [Kevin's phone rings] Excuse me.
Kevin: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. [hangs up] It was negative.
Michael: Oh... God... [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here [hugs Kevin].
 
Michael: Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos.
 
Kevin: This is awesome. Thanks, you guys.
Michael: Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!
Dwight: Turn it around. Turn it around.
Michael: Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.
Dwight: Number one!!
Michael: Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks.
Pam: Michael? 
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: This is from all of us. 
Michael: Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it. 
 
Pam: Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Jim: Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited, and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. Then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Dwight: Let's get the party started.
Michael: That's not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat]
 
Dwight: Michael's birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he's also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he's ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it's my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Michael: Okay, here's the thing about bosses and employees. A good boss will say, "Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate me." A great boss will say, "Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts."
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: Good. You know, Ryan, you didn't have to get me a present.
Ryan: I won't.
Michael: Good. Great.
Ryan: Okay, good. I think I'm gonna go.
Michael: No, I think you're gonna stay.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Michael: On my 20th birthday, my supposed best friend, Sam Ambrose, ditched me for his twin sister's Sweet Sixteen party. And that was my worst birthday. Until today.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Kevin: Can you please stop staring at me? [Dwight continues to stare and then walks away]
 
Dwight: To think that a man's skin could turn on him. It's brilliant, 'cause you'd never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. [scoffs] Makes me rethink having skin at all.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Michael: [knock on door] Mmm-hmm.
Ryan: Hey. I got the information.
Michael: Oh, good. Okay. Don't tell me, tell them.
Ryan: [turns to camera] "The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%."
Michael: Oh, my God. That's a piece of cake. That's a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that's good.
Ryan: [looking at camera] "There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005."
Michael: Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry.
Ryan: "For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and..."
Michael: Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, "I have cancer."
Ryan: "The skin is the largest organ of the body."
Michael: Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Angela: I'm not afraid of dying. I know where I'm going. But if I were Kevin, I might be terrified. Gluttony.

Dwight: Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. [Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he's eating into his mouth] Spit... Okay, come on, let's go. 
 
Jim: You look cute today, Dwight. 
Dwight: Thanks, girl. 
 
Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs. 
 
Dwight: Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation. 
Kevin: [nods] Hey...
 
Dwight: I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't. 
 
Jim: [mimicking Stanley] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip. 
Pam: [laughs] Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, [makes mournful face, giggles] that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can. 
 
Kelly: And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said "Is it okay if I sip it?" and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way. 
Dwight: Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night? 
Kelly: Six. 
 
Dwight: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night. 
Ryan: I go to a lot of parties. 
Dwight: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys. 
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys. 
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way. 
Ryan: What's the hard way? 
Dwight: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him. 
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way. 
Michael: Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow. 
Dwight: I can't stop this investigation. It is my job. 
Jim: Whoa. You are a volunteer. 
Dwight: I volunteered for this job. 
Jim: And that's not the same. 
Dwight: It is my duty...
Jim: [interrupting] Volunteer duty. 
Dwight: ...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know. 
Michael: [fake coughing] Narc! 
Kevin: [giggling]
Dwight: If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job. 
Michael: I wasn't attempting to compliment you. 
Dwight: Well, you have... 
Michael: Uuf, well...
Dwight: ...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...
Michael: [shakes head] Okay...
Dwight: ...and I am very proud of being a narc.
Michael: Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! [to Jim] Dude, where's my office? [Jim quietly laughs] I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest! 
Jim: Well, your office is behind you. 
Michael: Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies? 
 
Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any. 
 
Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule. 
 
Dwight: Have you ever taken any illegal drugs? 
Oscar: No, I have not. 
Dwight: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it? 
Oscar: What are you implying? 
Dwight: Have you ever... pooped... a balloon? 
Oscar: Okay. I'm done with this. 
Dwight: He sure left in a hurry. 
 
Dwight: I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime. 
 
Dwight: Do you know what this is? [pushing a photo toward her]
Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana. 
Dwight: How do you know that? 
Phyllis: It's labeled. 
Dwight: [grabs pictures back and looks at it] Dammit. 
 
Creed: That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica. 
Dwight: No, it's marijuana. 
 
Jim: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you. 
Dwight: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me. 
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember. 
Dwight: I would remember. 
Jim: Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory? 
Dwight: That's not how it works. 
Jim: Now how do you know how it works? 
Dwight: Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you. 
Jim: No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke? 
Dwight: [opens eyes wide in total surprise]
 
Oscar: So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it. 
Jim: Oh, um...[mimicking Stanley] Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? [Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly] 
Stanley: Is that supposed to be me? 
Jim: Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression. 
Stanley: I do not think that is funny. 
Pam: He does everyone in the office. 
Stanley: Hmmmpt.
Pam/Jim: [in unison] I do not think that is funny. 
Pam: Jinx! Buy me a coke. 
Jim: Oh...
Pam: No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out]
Pam: Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx. 
Jim: [mouths] C'mon! 
Pam: Sorry, that's not my problem. 
Jim: [presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face]
 
Dwight: I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently. 
Angela: I understand. 
Dwight: Where were you yesterday after work? 
Angela: [smiles knowingly]
 
Michael: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?
Kevin: That is so good, Michael
Michael: Remember the narc bit? [laughs] Uh-oh, who's in trouble? 
 
Dwight: Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine. 
Michael: Waa... what? What are you talking about? 
Dwight: Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours. 
Oscar: Is that true, Toby? 
Toby: Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing. 
 
Michael: Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it. 
 
Michael: Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection. 
Dwight: No you can't do that. 
Michael: I can do that, it is my office. 
Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and it has to be urine.
Michael: Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great. 
 
Dwight: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?
Kevin: I'm not taking Rogaine. 
Dwight: Angela, what about you? 
Angela: I don't take any prescription drugs. 
Dwight: You're not on anything? 
Angela: [Gives Dwight a knowing look]
Dwight: Good. 
 
Kelly: So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! [Jim hunches his shoulders and grins] One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. [Jim shakes his head no in agreement] I mean not everything, Jim. [Jim shakes his head in agreement] I promise, I'm not that kind of... 
Pam: Hey guys, what's going on? 
Kelly: We're having the best conversation. [Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no]
Pam: Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. [Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly] But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. [Jim nods his head as if to say, "Gee, thanks, Pam."] 
Kelly: So, I was looking so hot...
 
Michael: It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about. 
Phyllis: We don't feel that way. 
Angela: No, not at all. 
Oscar: You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc.
Michael: No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, "Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs." 
Dwight: Thank you, Michael. 
 
Michael: I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind. 
 
Michael: Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children. 
Stanley: Where did you get these facts? 
Michael: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?
Stanley: They are not. 
Michael: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Stanley: No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants. 
Michael: Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. 
Michael: Yes it is. 
Toby: No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors. 
Michael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair. 
Toby: You can't do that. 
Michael: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly. 
Toby: That's not random. 
Michael: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam. 
Pam: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs. 
Michael: Really? [Jim shakes his head no] 
Pam: Uh, hmmm. 
Michael: Jim it's okay. You can t... [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It's okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths "I can't" and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well. 
 
Pam: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that. 
 
Michael: The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not. 
Dwight: No, you will be tested. 
Michael: Yes, I will not be. 
Dwight: You will be. That is the law according to the rules. 
Michael: Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you. 
 
Dwight: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy. 
Linda: We test a lot of urine. 
Dwight: Mine was green. 
Linda: Oh, right. How are you? 
Dwight: I'm all better. 
 
Michael: So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.
Dwight: What kind of filing? 
Michael: Just forget it. Just the urine. 
Dwight: That goes directly to the tester. 
Michael: Just. I need your urine. 
Dwight: Like in a cup? 
Michael: Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight. 
Dwight: For what purpose? 
Michael: It's none of your business. 
Dwight: Then I refuse. 
Michael: Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring. 
Dwight: Are you serious? 
Michael: I need clean urine for the lady. 
Dwight: But that's illegal. 
Michael: Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes
Dwight: Not my urine. 
Michael: A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens. 
Dwight: Were you forced to do drugs at this concert? 
Michael: No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup. 
 
Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine? 
Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs. 
Angela: You're not going to get my permission on this. 
Dwight: I know that. Don't you think I know that? 
 
Linda: Yeah, we do testing all over the country. 
Ryan: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring? 
Linda: You want to work at the urinalysis lab? 
Ryan: Yeah. Maybe. 
 
Dwight: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out. 
 
Pam: What? [Jim shakes his head] Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. [Jim shakes his head no] You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. [Jim smiles] Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. [Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means]
 
Kevin: I'd like a magazine. 
Linda: We just need urine, sir. 
Kevin: I'd still like one. 
 
Michael: Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much. 
Dwight: That's great. 
Michael: What's wrong? Where's your costume? 
Dwight: It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
Michael: Why? Wha...
Dwight: I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today. 
 
Pam: [placing a coke can in front of Jim] Here. [Jim looks confused] Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. [Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam] 
Jim: Hi. 
Pam: Hey. 
Jim: How much time do you have left on your break? 
Pam: Ten minutes. 
 
Michael: Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.
Dwight: Really? 
Michael: Yes, sir. 
Dwight: That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked . 
Michael: So you wanna? Thanks. 
Hank: Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security. 
Michael: Okay. 
Hank: Here's your badge. 
Dwight: Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. [To Hank] Can I have a gun? 
Hank: No, I don't have a gun. 
Dwight: Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff. 
Hank: I don't think so. 
Michael: Good.
Dwight: [salutes] Thank you, Michael.
Michael: No. Oh. Uh...[awkwardly salutes]
Dwight: I need to go over some details with you. 
Michael: Alright. [to Hank] Well, Thank you. 
Dwight: First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have? 
Hank: Two. 
Dwight: Oh, God. 
 
Jim: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship? 
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Jim: [growling] Nice.
Pam: Kevin.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Do someone else.
Jim: Um, [gives Pam a look]
Pam: Angela.
Jim: Whoa.
Pam: The eyebrow.
Jim: Yeah.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Dwight: I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Toby: Michael's behavior is erratic and unpredictable, but I don't think he's doing drugs. Maybe he should. Take the edge off. Uh, not at work, of course.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Dwight: People use marijuana to escape. Jim does not have a girlfriend. His sales are nothing to brag about. And he does not belong to any organized clubs. If that were my life, I'd do drugs.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Phyllis: He asked if you've been acting withdrawn lately.
Stanley: And what did you say?
Phyllis: I said no.
Stanley: Hmm.
Phyllis: You're welcome.
Dwight: Your turn, Stanley. [Stanley just takes a drink from his mug] Angela, you're up.
 
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Pam: Last night? Let's see.
Dwight: Go ahead. Don't lie.
Pam: I won't. It's just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that?
Dwight: No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead.
Pam: I know that I shouldn't have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy.
Dwight: Oh.
Pam: And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp.
Dwight: Oh.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Meredith: Pam said you had something important to tell me. Is it bad? Am I getting fired? [Jim shakes head 'no'] Why aren't you telling me? It must be bad. They're taking away my kid. I knew it. [Jim waves arms and shakes head 'no'] They're not taking away my kid. Oh.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Kelly: Oh, sure, I can definitely help you with that. Okay? Please hold.
Dwight: Kelly Kapour. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Michael: Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon.
Oscar: How?
Michael: Exactly. I know. It's amazing.
Oscar: No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or...
Creed: I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong...
Michael: Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Dwight: Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you! [Note pad reads, "Creed -Shifty eyes / Ryan - Dilated pupils / Kelly - Hyperactive"] There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Michael: One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody-like Stanley or Oscar...
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.
Phyllis: It's not me, either.
Michael: No? okay, fine.
Jan: [on the phone] Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting.
Michael: Okay, well, I really think that... [dial tone beeping]
Pam: Has she been on the phone the whole time?
Michael: Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.
Dwight: Make-up sex. Nice!
Kevin: Nice.
Michael: Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
Dwight: The scary thing is, it could have been any one of these people. They all had a motive. To get high.
 
Deleted Scene 13
 
Michael: Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out.
Dwight: just drink a lot of water.
Michael: Well...
Dwight: You have to relax your muscles around the bladder.
Michael: I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay?
 
Deleted Scene 14
 
Pam: [reading from Michael's flier] "Drugs: Let's not and say we did." I think Michael was high when he wrote this.
 
Deleted Scene 15
 
Toby: You know, sometimes I wish we just didn't have a conference room. [Kelly laughs] You know? He couldn't do that.
Kelly: But then we wouldn't have any meetings.
Toby: Yeah.
Kelly: Okay. Bye, Toby.
Toby: Bye.
Kelly: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Hello? Yes, I am so, so sorry. Yeah, actually, I don't have that information just yet. Uh-huh. Listen, do you mind if I put you on a brief hold? Okay.
 
Deleted Scene 16
 
Angela: I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high, which is why now I swim.
Meredith: Why would I be worried? I'm not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free. 
 
Deleted Scene 17
 
Pam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Um, hold, please. [to Jim] There's a Brenda on the phone for you. [to Brenda] Just one second, I'll transfer.
Jim: [telephone ringing] [shows note to camera "It's OK. She'll call back!"]
 
Deleted Scene 18
 
Man: She's got it up now.
Sheriff: He'll be up. Okay, sure. I'll get someone down.
Dwight: Hey. Hey. Jerry.
Sheriff: Thanks.
Dwight: Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge.
Sheriff: Where sis you get that?
Dwight: I got it here.
Sheriff: No. No, you didn't. we didn't give you this.
Dwight: No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore.
Sheriff: You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit.
Dwight: Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could.
Sheriff: Right, well... Why don't you give me a couple examples of ways that you've helped us out?
Dwight: Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance...
Sheriff: Surveillance?
Dwight: Crowd control, directing traffic...
Sheriff: Mace! You... You've been carrying around weapons-grade Mace?
Dwight: I've only had to use it once.
 
Deleted Scene 19
 
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: [tosses the butt of a joint in parking lot] We should get a pizza.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: I hate pizza.

Kevin: So, uh... you found a band for your wedding yet?
Pam: No.
Kevin: 'Cause I'm in a band. We really rock.
 
Jim: Yeah, I mean it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out.
 
Phyllis: Oh I got the 'Save The Date'.
Pam: Yeah?
Phyllis: Yeah, pretty stationery.
Pam: Oh, thanks!
Angela: I didn't get mine yet.
Pam: Uh... 
 
Pam: There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy.
 
Michael: Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent.
 
Phyllis: Uh, on or off?
I.D. Photographer: Off.
Phyllis: Okay... [removes glasses]
Dwight: Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?
Phyllis: [leaving the room] Excuse me.
Dwight: Clown paint.
 
Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
 
Michael: That's a nice tie.
Ryan: Thank you.
Michael: That is... who makes that?
Ryan: Um, I don't... 
Michael: Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?
Ryan: Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes.
 
Oscar: It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed... 
Michael: [walking into the Conference room] What's the dealio?
Toby: Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today.
Michael: What's the problem?
Oscar: Angela!
Toby: It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace.
Oscar: Since Christmas.
Michael: So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?
Oscar: No.
Toby: Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please?
Michael: Yes.
 
Toby: Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen.
Michael: Yeah?
Toby: These things just have a way of working themselves out.
Michael: Okay.
Toby: It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it.
Michael: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So... 
Toby: Okay.
Michael: Okay... what?
Toby: That was the right decision for me and my marriage.
Michael: Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. [leans over to Pam] Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?
 
Michael: [holding up a binder] A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.[in a comedic voice] My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.
Angela: Can we go? I have a lot of work to do.
Michael: No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose.
Oscar: What's the next one?
Michael: Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation?
Angela: Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever?
Michael: Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.
 
Michael: [in front of poster] Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using "I" emotion language and no judging or "you" statements.
Angela: I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael: Come on, seriously, that?
Oscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the... 
Michael: Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win.
Pam: Win!
Michael: Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win. 
Oscar: No.
Angela: That's... no... 
Michael: Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution.
Angela: How about, I leave it up?
Oscar: How 'bout, she takes it down?
Pam: How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Michael: Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win.
Pam: Win.
Oscar: Fine.
Angela: But, it... 
Michael: [claps his hands twice] It is done!
Pam: Win
 
Photographer: [snaps a photo of Creed, then Creed turns to the side for a profile shot] No, you're all good.
Creed: Great. [gets up and leaves]
 
Pam: Hey, Angela.[hands her a Save The Date card] I didn't have your zip code.
Angela: Oh. Thanks.
 
Angela: It was hand delivered. But, I did get a Save The Date after all. It's not my taste.
 
Toby: You solved it?
Michael: Yes.
Toby: Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. [shuffles through papers]
Michael: Are those all the other complains?
Toby: Mmm-Hm.
Michael: I would like to see those please.
Toby: I... I can't do that.
Michael: You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.
Toby: That... [shakes head and places hand over the file]
Michael: Okay. [yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance] There! No more conflict. [looks at the camera] I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. [looks back at Toby] All right... is that it?
Toby: [sighs and pulls out a box under his desk] It's all Dwight's.
 
Toby: Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York.
 
Michael: Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?
 
Photographer: Are you sure? [looks at Oscar, who is front of the camera, holding the baby poster in front of his chest]
Dwight: Oh, he's sure. Just shoot.
Photographer: [shoots twice]
 
Michael: [looking through papers in the complaint box] This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist.
Pam: Nice.
Michael: You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.
 
Toby: Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This [unlocks a drawer]is January through March of this year. [pulls out a fairly large folder]
 
Michael: How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? [looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands] And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? [employees mumble "merely listen to and forgotten..." ] That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... [sighs] Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?
Angela: You already did me.
Michael: That's what she said. [Jim mouths these words along with Michael] The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does "redacted" mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked "redacted"... ?
Toby: Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off.
Michael: Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago.
Dwight: Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago?
Pam: [notices Angela's intense concern] Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me?
Michael: All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And [looks through the file]... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next.
Pam: Wait, what did it say?
Michael: Uh... [reading]"Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?" [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right? 
 
Pam: I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I've been really nice to her... and I haven't told anyone. And what the hell?! 
 
Michael: Here is a Kelly complaint: "Ryan never returns my calls." Ugh, join the club.
Ryan: My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes... 
Kelly: I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking.
Toby: To your HR representative.
Kelly: To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn.
Toby: Fine, I'll take your name off. [looks at Michael] So no one will know.
Michael: [crumbles up the complaint paper] Makin' progress. [Jim raises his hand] Yes?
Jim: Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael: What?!
Jim: And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim: Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
Dwight: Okay, question. [looks at Toby] When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?
Toby: Sure.
 
Michael: Stanley. [off camera]
Pam: [gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her] Hey. Thanks for ratting me out!
Michael: [still of camera] You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.
Anglea: I didn't do it! [Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it's inaudible]
Pam: I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.
 
Michael: Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only". Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley: I didn't say that.
Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? [Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.]
Michael: Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee.
Phyllis: No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close.
Michael: And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him.
Phyllis: Stanley and I are close, too.
Stanley: We sit close.
Michael: Oh... ok.
 
Toby: [sits down for his ID picture] Just take it. [flashes goes off, while he is standing back up again]
 
Pam: I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby.
Jim: Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends.
Pam: Don't take her side.
Jim: [sighs] Well, what does Roy think about everything?
Pam: I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.
Jim: You mean your thoughts and feelings?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Yeah... 
 
Phyllis: I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting.
Angela: Yes, that's the problem.
Phyllis: I guess so... 
Michael: Okay, well... all settled, then.
Phyllis: [whispering to Angela] I don't like you.
 
Michael: OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
 
Creed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death.
 
Michael: All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable.
Kevin: I accept your decision!
 
Jim: Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together.
Dwight: That doesn't make any sense.
Jim: Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect.
Photographer: [to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera] Smile.
Dwight: No.
 
Dwight: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
 
Jim: This came out really well. [picks up Dwight's I.D. from the laminating machine and hands it to Dwight] There you go.
Dwight: This is humongous. I am not a security threat... 
Jim: Oh.
Dwight: And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'.
Jim: What did I write?
 
Dwight: I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file.
Toby: Talk to Michael. I gave him the box.
Dwight: What box?!
 
Phyllis: But I didn't report your snoring-
Stanley: Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... [Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box]
Michael: Uh. Dwight.
Dwight: Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand.
Michael: Okay! Calm down.
Dwight: No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on?
Michael: Hey, hey!
Dwight: Him or me?
Michael: Stop.
Dwight: Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore.
Michael: Okay... 
Dwight: Either he goes, or I go.
Michael: Dwight... 
Dwight: You choose!
Michael: Stop... 
Dwight: One of us is out of here by the end of today! [runs out]
Michael: Oh... kay... 
 
Dwight: I am not bluffing!
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Okay?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I deserve this. You know I do!
Michael: [picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers] You know your I.D. says you're a security threat?
Dwight: You have till five.
 
Dwight: Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer!
Michael: Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match!
 
Michael: Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.
 
Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." [flips to another paper] "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
 
Jim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.
 
Michael: [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
 
Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.
 
Michael: [reading] "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'."
 
Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
 
Michael: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
 
Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.
 
Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.
 
Jim: Maybe Stanford would be cool.
Dwight: It's a good market. Higher volume.
Jim: Yeah. Maybe we should both go.
Dwight: I have a girlfriend... 
Jim: Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.
 
Michael: Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later.
Dwight: So, you going to transfer Jim or not?
Michael: Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work.
Dwight: I want an answer by tomorrow.
 
Michael: Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week?
Dwight: Fine.
Michael: Good. Okay.
 
Michael: Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here?
Photographer: I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos.
Michael: Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right?
Photographer: You mean digital?
Michael: It'll take like two seconds.
Photographer: 20 bucks.
Michael: Ugh... All right. Everybody, [looks around at the employees] come on. Group photo for the newsletter. 
Stanley: You gotta be kiddin' me.
Michael: Come on, everybody.
Dwight: Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go.
 
Photographer: One, two, three... smile. [camera flashes, but no one smiles] Try to smile.
Michael: We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.
Photographer: Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. [camera flashes]
Michael: Good, let's check that out. [looks at preview screen] Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more.
Photographer: That'll be another 20.
Michael: What?
Pam: Angela, I want to talk to you about something.
Michael: [off camera] You just press the button.
Angela: What?
Jim: No, Pam.
Pam: [looks at to Jim] I am. [looks at Angela] It's about the Save The Date.
Jim: Pam, it wasn't her.
Pam: What?!
Jim: I'm the one who complained about you.
Jim: I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. [the camera flashes] I was just venting.
Michael: [off camera] Okay, good. Check that out.
Jim: You know, it was one day.
Michael: [off camera] That's terrible.
Jim: And I took it right back. It was like... 
Pam: Okay.
Phyllis: Oh, dear.
Michael: [off camera] Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. [rejoins the group, on camera] Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. [flash goes off before he sits down]
 
Michael: It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.
 
Michael: [flashback the photo being taken] One, two..[flash goes off] Didn't say three, did I?
 
Michael: But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems.
 
Jim: [on Pam's answering machine] Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. [camera shows Jim sitting on a waiting coach in another Dunder Mifflin office]
Female worker: Okay, Jan will see you now.
Jim: Oh, thanks.
 
Michael: And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Dwight: [elevator bell dings] What is this? What happened here?
Jim: I don't know.
Dwight: Oh, this does not look good. Did anyone see what happened around my desk area this morning?
Jim: Dwight, I really think someone's probably just playing a prank on you, so just go right through it.
Dwight: A prank, huh? This is official police line tape, okay? It's not a prank.
Jim: Probably is.
Dwight: Damn it, people! Someone must have seen something! [Jim's cell phone beeping] Oh, you people are useless. Jesus.
Pam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hold, please. Dwight, it's the Sheriff. He said that it's really important. It's regarding your desk. I'll transfer.
Dwight: Oh, no, no, don't! I can't... [groans] [telephone ringing]
Jim: Just cut through it, man, it's no big deal.
Dwight: This is why I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and you're not.
Jim: That is not why. Wow, man, he really wants to get in touch with you. Maybe it's a murder.
Dwight: No, there's no blood.
Jim: Maybe poison?
Dwight: Possibly.
Jim: My God!
Dwight: [exclaiming in fear] No, Jim, no! [Jim knocks Dwight's phone off its cradle] [yelling toward the phone] Sheriff, this is Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Dwight Schrute. Press the pound key! What's your 20?
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Michael: Nothing much is happening today. We are having our photo IDs taken. Whoop-de-doo. Can't always be like The Apprentice.
Ryan: I know.
Michael: On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Photographer: [Dwight slurping] Okay, here we go. One, two...
Dwight: He sometimes wears glasses, write that down. Also, that may not be his real hair.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: I hate it when people don't tell each other why they're angry. My dad was like that. I would say, "What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad?" Over and over and over. And he would just look at me like I was an idiot.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Dwight: I'm the one who petitioned the office board to have these ID badges taken.
Photographer: So there were no death threats?
Dwight: Let me see your ID.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Michael: There is this old story about two women who each think they are the mother of this baby. And they can't decide, so they bring the baby to a wise man. Just like a manager in those days. And the wise man says, "I will adopt this baby and raise it as a Hindu." See? They didn't expect that. And that fixed it. Because I think he was the dad anyway.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Michael: There are dozens of old complaints in here. Cold cases, like the show. [imitating gonging] And Toby is a lazy detective who has decided that these armed robberies and rapes and murder/suicides are not important enough to solve. Well, you know what? I have a problem with that. And I'm going to open up these cases before Toby can kill or rape another person.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Photographer: All right.
Pam: That's not bad. Hey, do you do weddings?
Photographer: Would you seriously want your wedding photos to look like that?
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Jim: Not bad.
Dwight: I gave her a higher clearance than you.
Jim: What does Level Red mean?
Dwight: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. [laughing maniacally]
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Meredith: Wait. [puts eye drops in] [Photographer takes the shot and her eyes are closed]
Kevin: No, wait. [put on a hat] Yeah.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Phyllis: You must have misdialed. This is Phyllis. No, I'm not sure what his extension is. [glares at Stanley as he glares right back]
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
Michael: Wow! I never thought Dwight would go postal. It's always the person you least expect and I always thought Dwight would go postal.
 
Deleted Scene 13
 
Phyllis: Come on, Dwight, I think it's actually healthy to get it off your chest.
Dwight: I'm done talking. I am a Schrute. We don't back down.
Phyllis: You're arrogant and pompous, and I don't like you.
 
Deleted Scene 14
 
Michael: "Cage Match"? I don't know if it was in the packet from corporate, because I barely read any of it. So if you're asking if I stole their idea, the answer is no.
 
Deleted Scene 15
 
Hank the Security Guard: Excuse me, sir! Dwight Schrute, is that your real name?
Dwight: Yes, sir.
Kevin: Morning.
Hank the Security Guard: Good morning. Okay, go ahead.
Dwight: Thank you. [elevator door closes] No, come on... God!

Michael: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just... It's nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, "Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening." Makes you feel good.
 
Jim: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.
Pam: It's a nice tux.
Dwight: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.
 
Roy: So, what's the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That's lame.
Pam: Come on, it'll be fun, and besides, I'm a roulette expert.
Dwight: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim: I can always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight: Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.
Jim: Yeah.
Dwight: How would you do that?
Jim: Mind control.
Dwight: [laughs] You can't be serious. Are you serious?
Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight: I don't believe you. Continue.
Jim: It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.
Dwight: [scoffs] That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim: Okay, I'll try. [The coat rack wobbles] [Pam holds up an umbrella handle to the camera in another scene]
Dwight: Oh, my God.
 
Michael: I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing.
Jan: [on phone] Yeah, but... Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee.
Michael: Top 80 percent!
Jan: Michael?
Michael: Yeah?
Jan: You know that I'm very serious here.
Michael: Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!
Jan: What?
Michael: Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here. 
Jan: I thought that you were their fearless leader.
Michael: I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.
Jan: [laughs] I think you can handle it. 
Michael: Oh, come on. Come on.
Jan: I think so, Michael...
Michael: You know, it'd be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break.
Jan: Goodbye, Michael.
 
Michael: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day. 
 
Michael: Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.
Oscar: Again? We do that every year.
Michael: Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.
Oscar: It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering.
Michael: Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration.
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.
Jim: That doesn't exist anymore. 
Michael: Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people.
Pam: No, they stopped making that show.
Michael: Well, then, they need our money more than ever. 
Angela: You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization.
 
Creed: There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them. 
 
Kevin: Something with animals. Or people.
 
Kelly: Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. ...Maybe he did it.
 
Angela: We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity?
 
Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS. 
Jim: I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan. 
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS. 
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani. 
Michael: That's a dog. 
Pam: No, that's Afghan. 
Michael: That's a shawl. 
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried. 
 
Michael: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. "I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head." [laughs] And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams. 
 
Jim: What are you doing?
Pam: Oh, nothing. 
Jim: "Till Death Do Us Rock."
Pam: They're wedding bands.
Jim: Oh. 
Pam: Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now.
Jim: Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams. 
Pam: There's a KISS cover band in here. 
Jim: Let's do it. 
 
Pam: I'm pretty happy these days. I'm getting married soon and I'm getting along with everybody at work. 
 
Jim: Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know... I have no future here. 
 
Michael: I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works? 
Darryl: Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse. 
Michael: It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place. 
Darryl: Except my warehouse. 
Michael: Well, actually, it's my warehouse. 
Dwight: Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease. 
Michael: Why are you here?
Dwight: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection. 
Michael: Not. I said, not that. 
Darryl: We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen. 
Michael: That's ironic.
Darryl: What?
Michael: That you are afraid. 
Darryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?
Michael: Dinkin' flicka. 
Darryl: [sighs] Dinkin' flicka. 
 
Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say. 
 
Michael: Give me some. [Michael and Darryl perform simultaneous hand gesture]
 
Darryl: Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.
 
Jim: [Jim ejects a videotape from the VCR and puts in a new one] Wow. I don't know how you're gonna decide. They are all extremely good.
Pam: I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza.
Jim: Yes.
Pam: Have three stages, yeah.
Jim: Your mom would love that. She would. Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Let's take a look. Nice.
Pam: Oh, wait. That's Kevin. On the drums.
Jim: What?
Pam: On the drums! On the drums!
Jim: Oh, my God, that's Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he's the drummer and the singer.
 
Kevin: We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band.
 
Jim: Wow. Oh!
Pam: Oh, my...
Jim: Yeah, you haven't seen that since 1983. That is amazing. Okay, we have to sign him. I'm gonna call the label, we're gonna...
Pam: No! No!
Jim: No, Pam, you're gonna lose him to another wedding.
Pam: No, come back! No, no, no!
Jim: Kev!
 
Pam: Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding.
 
Michael: [phone rings] Yes
Pam: [phone rings] Michael, Carol Stills for you.
Michael: Who?
Pam: Carol Stills.
Michael: Do I know a Carol Stills?
Pam: Your realtor.
Michael: Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?
Pam: It's still me.
 
Pam: Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.
 
Pam: Carol, you're on with Michael.
Carol: [on phone] Hello, Michael?
Michael: Hi, Carol. How you doing?
Carol: I'm great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance.
Michael: Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place.
Carol: Oh, great.
Michael: Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It's okay. At Christmas, the tree helped. 
Carol: Oh, good, I'm glad. Can I drop it over later?
Michael: Actually, I'm sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night.
Carol: Oh, great.
Michael: Yeah, it'll be good. You know what? Why don't you come by? Bring the papers, I'll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink.
Carol: To the casino thing?
Michael: Yeah. It'll be fun. What do you...[phone rings] What do you...
Carol: What?
Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. Could you hold on? Yes?
Pam: Michael, Jan's on line two.
Michael: Okay, put her through. [Deep voice] Jan Levinson, I presume?
Pam: It's still me. Uh, Jan, here's Michael.
Jan: Michael?
Michael: Hey, Jan. How you doing?
Jan: You know, I... I thought about it and you are right.
Michael: I am?
Jan: I could use a little fun. So, I am going to drive up for your Casino Night.
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jan: Incidentally, what is the charity?
Michael: AIDS.
Jan: Okay, then. I will see you tonight.
Michael: Okay, sounds great.
Jan: Bye-bye.
Michael: Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just...
Carol: No problemo.
Michael: Right.
Carol: To answer your question...
Michael: Yeah?
Carol: Yes.
Michael: What?
Carol: I'd love to go.
Michael: Okay.
Carol: I have to get a sitter, but that shouldn't be a problem.
Michael: Problem. Good.
Carol: And I'll bring the papers, too.
Michael: Good, All right. Sounds great.
Carol: I'll see you tonight.
Michael: Bye.
Carol: Bye.
Michael: Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.
 
Pam: [People playing casino games as the actual Casino Night begins] Oh, my God!
Roy: Yeah! That's great.
Michael: Hey, hey.
Carol: Hi.
Michael: Hey, Carol.
Carol: Hi.
Michael: You look great.
Carol: Thanks. Thank you for inviting me. It looks so great in here.
Michael: Oh, well... Kiss. [Michael kisses her on the cheek, pauses and then kisses her on the other cheek] That's how we do it in the paper biz. It's European and... Yes? Ah, Dwight [Kisses cheeks]
Dwight: Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.
 
Dwight: I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, "We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them."
 
Michael: Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters.
Carol: Drink would be good.
Michael: Okay.
 
Creed: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things.
 
Billy's Girlfriend: I'm gonna get a drink. Do you need anything?
Billy: No, I'm fine. Thank's sweetheart.
Billy's Girlfriend: Okay.
Michael: Billy, your nurse is hot.
Billy: That's my girlfriend.
Michael: Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.
Billy: She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's. She was my waitress.
Michael: Chili's is great.
 
Michael: Welkommen, Bienvenue, and welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
Stanley: [Under his breath] Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows.
Dealer: Okay, the game is No-Limit Texas Hold'em. Good luck, everybody. That's at least four red chips to you, sir.
Michael: All-in. [Other players fold their hands]
 
Michael: Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?
 
Toby: I'll call.
Michael: What are... That's insane.
Toby: I have good cards.
Michael: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don't be stupid. Just take it back.
Dealer: No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all-in.
Michael: Okay, all right, whatever.
Dealer: Flip them.
Michael: You really screwed that up. [Michael leaves]
Meredith: Wow.
 
Toby: I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling.
 
Dwight: I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs.
 
Jim: [coughs] I will raise. [Dwight sighs and folds his cards] Thanks.
 
Jim: It's the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds.
 
Carol: Wow, bad luck.
Michael: Yeah, whatever. Hey, you know what? If luck weren't involved, I would always be winning. [Sees Jan] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Jan: Michael?
Michael: Jan.
Jan: Hi.
Michael: Look, okay, I think we're all adults here, and it has always been my understanding that we have an open relationship.
Jan: What are you... Just... Wait, what're you talking about?
Carol: What does that mean?
Michael: After you said you weren't coming, I invited Carol to come and I don't think that I did anything wrong.
Jan: No. No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Jan. I'm Michael's boss.
Carol: Hi, hi.
Jan: Does anyone want a drink?
Carol: No, I'm good. 
Jan: Okay. [Carol stares at Michael]
Michael: Um...
Dwight: Hey, hey.
Michael: Hey. What...
Dwight: Jan's here. 
 
Dwight: Give me the dice.
Kevin: Come on, Dwight.
Dwight: Let's go.
Billy: It's all on you, baby. Let's go.
Angela: Good evening, Dwight. What is this?
Dwight: Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins. 
Kevin: Yes.
Angela: Then roll an eight.
Dwight: Thank you, Angela.
Angela: Good luck, Dwight.
Dwight: Yeah! Yeah! [Kisses Angela, she slaps him and walks away smiling]
Kevin: Dwight, let's keep it going. Let's keep it going. Let's go.
Oscar: Let it ride. Let it all ride.
Dwight: Give me the dice!
 
Jim: Yeah, right.
Pam: "Yeah, right," what?
Jim: What was this? [Makes face]
Pam: [Laughs] I have good cards.
Jim: Really?
Pam: Mhmm, And I'm gonna take you all-in.
Jim: Wow. I think you're bluffing.
Kevin: Yeah, I think she's full of it.
Pam: Straight.
Jim: Oh. Three nines.
Kevin: Pam. Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen.
Jim: Thank you very much. It was fun.
 
Jan: Cosmopolitan, please.
Carol: Can I get a red wine? So, two hours? That's a long drive.
Jan: Well, it's part of the job, you know? Keep an eye on things. So... Why not? So, how long have you and Michael been...
Carol: Oh, well, actually, I guess this would be our first date. I guess.
Jan: Casino Night in the warehouse. Good sport.
Carol: Well, I'm having a nice time.
Jan: Oh, me too. Me too.
 
Ryan: One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.
Jim: So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly?
 
Michael: All right!
Dealer: The point is four. Shooter, roll it. Four!
Dwight: Come on, shooter!
Michael: Four! [Holds dice in front of Carol] Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also, you. Not playing favorites. [Holds dice in front of Jan] All right, here we go!
Carol: All right.
Michael: Yeah!
Dealer: Five.
Michael: So close. So close.
Dwight: Come on. [Turns to Jan] So where you staying? Radisson?
Jan: What?
Dwight: Super 8?
Jan: No, I...
Dwight: Motel 6? Best Western?
Jan: I didn't... I don't know...
Dwight: Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael?
 
Kevin: I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah... I'm pretty good at poker.
 
Kevin: All-in.
Phyllis: Okay, let's do it.
Bob Vance: Good Luck, honey.
Phyllis: Oh, thank you, Bobby. But it doesn't matter, it's just fun to play.
Kevin: Three queens.
Dwight: Nice, very nice.
Phyllis: I have an ace.
Oscar: No, that's a flush.
Dwight: Oh, man!
Phyllis: Oh, I have a flush!
Bob: Yes!
Phyllis: Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers! You wanna play again?
 
Kevin: I suck.
 
Roy: She took you down, huh?
Kevin: I do not want to talk about it.
Roy: Hey, I saw your tape. Your band, Scrantonicity? You guys rock.
Kevin: Yeah?
Roy: Yeah, you guys wanna play our wedding?
Kevin: Awesome. Did Pam say it was okay?
Roy: Whatever. I'm in charge of the music.
Kevin: Dude, you will not be sorry.
Roy: Sweet. All right.
Kevin: All right.
 
Jan: Smoke?
Jim: No, thanks. You having fun?
Jan: Fabulous time. I drove two and a half hours to get here.
Jim: Yeah, we all really...
Jan: Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed
Jim: Well, I think you look great.
Jan: Why did I hook up with Michael?
Jim: Yeah, why did you?
Jan: It was very late, Jim. Very... Very late and... Have you given any more thought to the transfer?
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Jan: Good. Have you told anyone?
Jim: No.
Jan: Well, you should.
 
Bob: Excuse me. Big moment. The evening's chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin!
Creed: Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator.
 
Roy: Sorry, babe. I am just beat.
Pam: It's okay. I'll see you at home.
Roy: Okay. Hey, don't try to lose too much money, all right?
Pam: Okay.
Roy: If you still want a honeymoon. Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right?
Jim: Okay, will do.
Roy: See you.
Pam: Bye! Hey.
Jim: Hey, how's it going?
Pam: Good, especially after I took all your money in poker.
Jim: Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something?
Pam: About when you want to give me more of your money?
Jim: No, I...
Pam: Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.
Jim: I was just... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just...
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I um... I... I can't.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea...
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: ...what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that.
Pam: I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.
Jim: Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.
 
Jan: Hey. I'm leaving.
Michael: Hey, okay.
Jan: So, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic evening. You did the company proud.
Michael: Thank you.
Jan: And thanks for inviting me. You were right, I needed it. So, thanks.
Michael: Okay. Thanks for coming.
Jan: Nice to meet you.
Carol: You, too.
Jan: And you guys have a good time together.
Michael: Okay. Talk to you Monday.
Jan: Yeah.
Carol: Goodbye.
Michael: Good night. She's a good boss.
Carol: She seems really nice.
Michael: Oh, she's great.
 
Michael: Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I've got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good.
 
Pam: [On phone] About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn't know what to say. Yes, I know. Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am. [Jim enters] I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim... [They kiss]
 
Deleted Scenes
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Michael: Everybody, in the conference room now, please. Thank you. Time is money.
Dwight: Do you need anything?
Michael: No.
Dwight: Should I get water or donuts?
Michael: No. 
Dwight: Come on, let's go. Take a seat.
Oscar: What's going on, Michael?
Michael: I want somebody to give me the name of one of our biggest competitors.
Dwight: Office Depot!
Michael: Good. Yes, that will work. All right. Now I need a plural noun. [All groaning]
 
Pam: Apparently Michael has come up with a Dunder Mifflin Mad Lib, and he's making us play it with him. We are so happy. No. I'd like to choose a different adjective.
 
Michael: How about a location?
Dwight: The planet Caprica.
Michael: Where the hell is that?
Dwight: It's from Battlestar Galactica.
Michael: Okay, all right.
Stanley: I am going back to my desk...
Michael: No, no, no. No, no, not until you give me an adjective.
Stanley: Annoying.
Michael: We already have that. So...
Toby: Frustrating.
Michael: No, Toby, damn it, come on! We already have that. I need something fun. Something like fat or smelly. Or pukey. Pukey. Pukey's good. Okay. Pukey. Now I need a noun.
Phyllis: Ass.
Michael: Good. Thank you, Phyllis. That wasn't so hard. All right, here we go. "Office Depot is an annoying store. One day Creed went there to buy paper. And he ran into irritating Cylons."
Dwight: Yeah, get them, Creed!
Michael: "One of them was named Michael Scott, and he was an..." Oh, damn it. Okay. Okay, okay, we're... Okay, we're starting over.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Dwight: My charity is the Farm Defense Fund. It's one of the best organizations that fights infestation of the beet armyworm.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Jim: My charity is the Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Department, because Dwight's a Volunteer Sheriff. So I thought this was a perfect opportunity to support/mock him.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Dwight: I don't believe that Jim moved that coat rack. But if he did, he has an obligation to use his gift wisely. With great power comes great responsibility. They could do a cross-section of his brain to find out more. But I don't think it's true, though.
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Michael: Look, if anything goes missing, we will reimburse.
Darryl: Yeah. Can Dunder Mifflin afford that?
Michael: Dang! Paper making paper, I.e. money.
Darryl: What?
Michael: Paper money. [clears throat] Yeah. The company's doing fine.
Darryl: Mike, we're not shipping as much as we did last year.
Michael: Hey. Okay. You know what? Don't even think. I command you to just go down and have fun tonight. All right? Don't think about it.
 
Michael: Our numbers are down, yes, but we have a heck of a crew here in Scranton. Hardworking, motivated, dynamic. Every single last one of them. They follow my lead. I sort of set the tone. And it doesn't hurt that my ex works for corporate. Jan loves this branch, and I think that's really more than half the battle.
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Pam: It is extremely stressful, planning a wedding by yourself. It's like a job. I mean, it's fun, but it kind of becomes like work. I've already planned it all out in my head. But it's just in my head.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Meredith's Vet: Hey. Meredith, right? 
Meredith: Oh, God. Oh, no. I have this problem all the time. I never remember people I've had sex with.
Meredith's Vet: I'm your vet.
Meredith: Oh, right.
Meredith's Vet: And we had sex in the parking lot.